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2006 - Old 's
 

"All the New's Too Old to Print!"
 

Please read WARNING below.                                                       Whoops! TOO FUCKING LATE!

WARNING: If strong language offends, please leave this site NOW.

Please read WARNING above.                                                       Whoops! TOO FUCKING LATE!

12/31½/06

HOME AGAIN, HOME AGAIN ZIGGITY ZIG: After a two day lay-off, Palletman has returned to visiting American Road Cycling rather frequently. Guess his New Year's hang is over. Just in time for tomorrow's "YEAR IN REVIEW!" In other  news, both the Black Widow and SlingShot receive DNF's for this year's Tour d'American Road Cycling, because they went to the dog beach and then Barnes & Noble for cinnamon scones instead of riding in the final. CLICK HERE FOR LAST YEAR'S RESULTS.

12/31/06

BASE LAYER ADVISORY: Not needed.

12/30½/06

HUMBERTO SAYS: In lieu of the Hump, I'm takin' a  dump.

Editors Note: That pretty much takes care of Poor Latrine's excuse as well. Twin George was supposed to stay on top of this problem, but he hasn't.

12/30/06


Click
for
Audio

WHAT THE HELL?

What the hell is Kevin Haley doing on the cover of Vanity Fair?

This episode of American Road Cycling Radio NOT brought to you by Peak Performance Chiropractic, where your spinal health is a snap! -#- Whew, that can't be good.

12/29/06


Click
for
Audio

UV47 IDENTIFIED: Due to an indiscretion on his own part, UV47 has been identified as Steve Jinks. Better watch what your little friends are having you click on, Steve. Also a review of recent records has shown new IP#'s for Toe Clip Guy, Nuclear Dan Buckley, and Dr. Artie Art, Artie Art Donohue. We also suspicion that we know new ones for Zirra and Rich Cruet.

This episode of American Road Cycling has NOT been brought to you by Guru Bicycles. "Selle Italia may have you by the balls, but we'll grab you round the neck!"

12/28/06

 

SlingShot leans over his bike for a well deserved puke after his first trail ride in Florida, soon as he and the Black Widow Clampett arrived south for Spring Training 2007.


"I am really getting too old for this shit!" -Spatz

12/24½/06

 


SpankTown Ladies, Do Dah, Fah La

12/24/06

GET ON THE STICK, GET ON THE HORN: Hey knuckleheads, get your shit together.

This morning, I finished the ride from Paul's  with Toe Clip Guy alone, because everybody else bailed out from 1/3 to half way out. What a bunch of panty waisted Sheilas.

It was the first time Mr. Clip went over fifty.  I know he's been on other rides that were advertised as 50+, but they never turned out to be. And now I know why.

As the ride went on, The Guy just kept getting stronger, and stronger, while lesser riders were dropping out like spilt shipping peanuts. I'll bet leaders of all the other rides he's done made notice of that fact (for as long as they could take it), then came up with an "idea" like this: "Maybe we could go over this way..." and they made the ride shorter to save their sorry asses. That sure would explain what went on during the last "Space Farms" ride.

In any case, since the Palletman isn't doing such a great job of posting rides in a timely fashion, The Clipster had to use his source of last resort and ask SlingShot where a ride was. Shocking! If somebody has to use their bottom of the barrel choice to ask SlingShot where there's a ride (see: Chatter #635, 636, 637), something has gone way wrong.

American Road Cycling records show that the Clipmeister ok'd publication of his contact information, so I'll put it here till we get to Florida. You bozos better put him on your "must call" list of riders. Also, anybody with any idea of having a race team, better beg him to help you out...or you're going to have to contend with him kicking your ass at somebody else's behest.

Here's the info:

Rick Sanchez
Padgettnyc@aol.com

Write him, and get his phone number. Put it on your AA list.

12/22/06

ARC Radio: Episode3


SlingShot manning the media desk
in the ARC Radio studios

FOR THE HEARING COMPARED: Fuck me… This episode of ARC Radio not brought to you by Stinkature Psychos. Service is our middle name. Not applicable to your own expectations, whether or not they are valid, invalid, or whether we have given them to you or not, whether you have assumed them on your own, or bought them at auction. Also significant restrictions apply, in New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, and other places abroad and a field wherever you may find yourself. In other words good luck to you and best wishes.

12/21/06

ARC Radio: Episode 2

12/20½/06

- INCREDIBLE E-BAY FIND -

12/20/06

VIDEO SUBMITTED BY
LAUREN "LUGIE" WARREN
(aka: The Angel)

Generally, American Road Cycling does not publish anything that SlingShot himself does not create, or which we cannot at least track the origins and pay massive moulah for the privilege of using, but this video appears to have been made by somebody who would like nothing more than for everybody in the world to see it, despite lack of credit and payment.

In any case, it is obvious American Road Cycling can't afford the right to publish this anyway. It is priceless.

12/18/06



















 

XTRA SPECIAL STRAUB WATCH UPDATE: Previously it was reported here erroneously that Dr. (Artie) Art, Artie Art Donohue and Joe Straub were spotted riding together near the County Center in Goshen. It was then corrected here in furtherance of error that in fact Artie Art was merely trying to get away from Joe but could not do it.

Turns out the truth of the matter was that Joe was actually trying to get away from Artie. Unfortunately, Joe had been put on a fixed gear track bike by Iron Mike Norton, and when he got started in the same direction as Artie he couldn't figure out how to stop.

This is the last time we will try to get this story straight, no matter what information any of you may feel that you have.

Joe is currently working on top secret cycling skills given to him by Iron Mike and consisting of 16 hrs cycling per week on a fixed gear, keeping his knees in and restricting his bike sway (totally the opposite of the Poor Latrine nonsense) while climbing, plus lots and lots of stretching. If we were at liberty to tell you about this we would.

BTW: Glenn has reportedly done three loops of Kain at least once in his life, but that is also classified information.

12/17/06



















 

SPECIAL Latrine WATCH UPDATE: Shh! Don't tell anybody. Paul is doing pushups. It's part of his new secret workout program.

SPECIAL STRAUB WATCH UPDATE: "Joe" is now officially Mr. Straub's middle name, whose full name currently reads - "T.P. Joe Straub," or just "T.P." for short. The "T.P." stands for "That Prick," or so a little birdie has told us.

SPECIAL ARTIE ART UPDATE: Recently it was reported on these pages that Joe Straub and Dr. Art were seen riding together. Turns out they weren't. Dr. Artie Art had run across Joe on the Heritage Trail, and was merely trying to get away from him...which he could not. This update is totally unrelated to the story above about how "Joe" is now Mr. Straub's middle name.

ZIRRA UPDATE:  Zirra finally showed up again yesterday. He must be gathering information for Team Poor Latrine.

12/16/06

NEWBIE: Received this morning from Poor Latrine, "I understand there is a ride that people do on Saturday mornings. What time does it happen? [We would tell him, but we can't stand to hear his excuse.]

RIDGEBURY QUOTE OF THE DAY

SlingShot: "I feel watts!"

Poor Latrine: "What!?"

SlingShot (louder): "I feel WATTAGE!"

Anonymous Asshole (quietly): "Not many."

12/15/06

ROOTS OF SIGNATURE SERVICE: Everybody has been wondering about the perfect little MOE-vici that Poor Latrine, from Stinkature Silos, rides from time to time...very time to time. We think we've tracked down the source of inspiration.

12/14/06

WEIRD SCIENCE REDUX: AUDIO VERSION OF WEIRD SCIENCE. Written text version is below, so you can read along with the audio.

12/12/06

WEIRD SCIENCE: Just before noon today, SlingShot was on Scotchtown Road in Goshen, just coming to the light by the County Center when he saw two cyclists approaching. He rolled down his window, ready to present the American Road Cycling salute, but he was unsure if this might not be pokers who would not understand. He hesitated.

Then he saw the front rider (in large aggressive shimmering glasses) take one look at the Peloton Subaru, glare menacingly and thrust his best finger forward and erect. Scary, real scary.

What a weird sport we enjoy, where this greeting shows the utmost in respect and loving hatred. In fact, it's the only thing that can make Chester Pete Cotsis smile. Like Samurai, we are always on the watch for "worthy opponents," and these were two of that.

It was Dr. (Artie) Art Donohue and that Smiling Jack-ass, Joe Straub. Joe was momentarily befuddled over what had gotten Artie Art all jazzed up, but on looking up and seeing it was just SlingShot, Joe merely smiled briefly and went back to calculating where best he was going to make Artie Art Artie wish he had never been born.

SlingShot drove on smiling, and decided to make his own ride today extra long, while luxuriating in thoughts about how that little dandy Artie Art Artie, Artie Art would soon be enjoying the just deserts of his callous greeting at the hands of Smilin' Jack.

A weird sport, weird sport, weird sport, indeed.

12/10/06

QUOTE OF THE DAY: After Sunday's ride, pointing to his trip computer, SlingShot says , "I now have eight thousand one hundred and twenty five miles for the year."

Rich (The Bicycle Doctor) Cruet queries incredulously, "8,000 miles...this year?"

Quips SlingShot, "That's right 8,125!"

"Wow, you really SUCK. I thought you were riding great, but with that many miles you should be doing a lot better!"

Palletman would probably have had something to add to that, but he never showed up for the ride.

12/10½/06:  As expected.  See Chatter Box #621.  Then the follow up #623.

12/09/06

FRAME UP: Here's something that really pisses SlingShot off:

SlingShot is so pissed off because there's not really any good way to trash talk this frame, and rider. It is all too wonderful. So we'll just run what Twin Lynn said about it.

This is an old Serotta steel frame. George (Tail) Centamore owned it, and sold it to my brother a few years ago, who never built it up then offered it to Travis, because he knew Travis had just outgrown a bike and needed a bigger one.

The bike was originally solid gloss yellow and looked just fine. But we decided that the bike should be repainted, so that Travis could make it his own.

Travis wants to be a firefighter, so it was easy for him to decide on a scheme-- he wanted it to look like a fire truck. And since George Centamore is an artist, and we've seen some bikes he custom painted, we knew who to go to do the job. We gave him a bit of a challenge. Decals didn't exist, so George had to hand letter everything. And to make it even tougher on him, we wanted gold leaf lettering. The head tube has a firefighter's crest. The down tube says "Rescue 6" because Travis wants to be in a rescue company. And he just likes the number six.

And the seat tube says FFD for Florida Fire Department, because he'll be joining them as a volunteer in January when his school report card comes in and the rumors that he is doing well gets confirmed.

Lynn

There it is. Not much room for trash talking here. Except to point out that this "a kid and his new bike" thing never ends.

But it's not the lack of trashing opportunity here that's really gotten SlingShot going. It's just that everybody's going to get to see this posting...except Travis. The American Road Cycling site is not for minors. Travis is not allowed to read it, or at least he shouldn't be.

However, just in case Travis does wander in here we better put in a tutorial: "Dear Travis, you can really fuck up your life and ability to move ahead with your dreams, if you don't figure out quickly what language offends people, and which people are likely to be offended. Then never talk like that around them. Basically, everything on American Road Cycling is a taboo in most reputable circles, so you should work hard to not ever say or act anything like anything you see here. Of course the ugly language here is bad enough, but the real problem with ARC is that it is just plain stupid and a waste of time. So always do just the opposite of American Road Cycling, and you'll be very well equipped to be the best fire fighter there ever was."

Hmm, looking at that paint job, it is obvious that OCC's got nothin' on OCBC, except Mikey is funnier than SlingShot.

BTW: Somebody tell George Centamore to have his web master get rid of that stupid licensing screen on his web site. I'm a security nut, so just chose "No" and only looked at the photos. Really George, do you want people seeing your work (and commission your services) or not?

Well, at least SlingShot got to trash something.

 

12/09/06

LEGAL NOTICE: Somebody tell Terry Bowden that the cue sheet he downloaded for the Saturday B Ride is the classic version, and they may be doing a variation on it now.

12/07/06

TWIN LYNN IS IN BIG TROUBLE
(but not with SlingShot)

For all the copy/paste impaired, below is the link Twin Lynn mentions in her posting (#619) in the CHATTER BOX:

LYNN'S MOST RECENT LINK

12/07/06

UNFORTUNATE OMISSION: If American Road Cycling ever forgets to put Kevin Haley's name on the home page, he himself forgets to check the CHATTER BOX until a couple hours later when somebody finally tells him there's something there that may be mildly interesting.

BTW: Somebody tell Terry Bowden the RIDE CHOICE pages are almost totally not never ever being used, far's we know.

12/05/06

HAMSTER IN THE ATTIC


The Black Widow just settled down for a long winter's nap.

As usual, some flower or a puppy dog along the road has distracted the Black Widow from the ride. Hey, Mary! That metal man's gettin' away from you.

NOTE: As Palletman reminded us with his posting (#616) in the CHATTER BOX about 37 seconds after this photo was published, there was a Previous American Road Cycling Swimsuit Edition. Of course Twin George also took this photo! And while we're at it, there's that one of Mary getting home from FL football camp.

12/03½/06

TOUGHEST RIDE EVER: Near the top of the first major climb during today's Space Farms ride was shouted, "Hey Toe Clip Guy, you're killing us. What the hell do you think this is, Paris Island? This group is more the Paris Hilton type."

SlingShot had already told Mr. Clip, about 10 minutes before, that the big climb was just beginning, and SlingShot himself would be dropping off the front to let somebody else pace him up the hill, because he'd never made it to the top without being dropped, but today he was hopeful. This little tidbit of information only gleamed a moment in Toe Clip Guy's eye, as he smiled and started pushing the pace considerable.

FUCKING MARINES!

That means you too, Brand New Bruce! Nuclear Dan is excused from this tirade, because he only drove nuclear submarines, and everybody knows the Navy is merely a taxi service for the Marines anyway, or at least that's what Brand New told me, not that I want to get anything started.

Still, there's getting to be way too many former military guys, with a certain need to WIN, going on these rides for my taste. Of course, it just might be they are the only kind of people who show up for the cold ass December rides. Everybody on the ride today was that sort more or less, military service or not. Undeniably, there was the usual contingent of a few big-rider newbies, but we've all seen those guys before. In a few months they'll be skinny aggravating hill climbers like the rest of us, since they've already proven their status by showing up and completing a Space Farms ride their status is: winner.

AND I HATE WINNERS.

But it really wasn't Toe Clip Guy and his jarheaded ways that made this ride the Toughest Ride Ever. At the top of the hill there was a regrouping to check the cue sheet and confirm the course with regard to some controversy about a possible missed turn in the midst of the Toe's shenanigans.

Turns out there were fully 15 different cue sheets on the ride. Everybody who had one, had a different one. And a few people like SlingShot didn't even have one.

So it wasn't surprising when The Bianchi attacked full out at the next turn, went the wrong way, and took all us lemmings with him. That was pretty much fun for awhile, until we got to the light and were waiting for [rider's name stricken], Rich Cruet, The Bicycle Doctor, and a couple others who fucked up and went the right way. That's when SlingShot got goin' on a rampage about how he had never been at this light before without being lost and dropped, and now that he finally made it there with the group, the whole goddamned group was lost.

But the confusion over the course wasn't really what made the ride so hard. This thing about being off course and making it up as we go along is pretty typical. In fact, some would say mandatory. It is in accord with that old OCBC saw: The Blind Leading the Blind.

Anyways, today we dutifully tossed the cue sheets like coins at every turn to see which path we'd avoid next, but with so many sheets it was really hard to stay off course. We were almost certain to be correct according to one of the sheets—no matter which way we went. Staying off course like we love to: that's what was really hard.

Fuck Me.

12/03/06

URGENT REQUEST

Will somebody who is familiar with the Walkill Time Trial course (maybe Robb Daly, Crazy Mike, or somebody like that) please get in touch with Louie (formerly Prince of Pain, aka Louie Louie, also of Julie and Louie Fame) immediately, right now, with no delay, because Louie is designing a training program for Mike The Spin Guy Finnegan, and he needs to know the course that Mike'll be racing, so they can do some reconnaissance training. Guess you could get in touch with Julie or Mike Finnegan also. In any case, somebody get in touch with somebody and give them some sort of information, won't ya please?! But be careful how you do it. Louie's got a cold.

TOP PRIORITY

12/02/06

IN THE SMALL RING: After today's Hump, The Bianchi tendered his cadence sensor, or what was left of it, to SlingShot. Here's the photo:

Looks like Bianchi has moved back to his small ring for the winter, because the Polar web-site specs this sensor out to 220 rpm. Of course, there's always the possibility that Rich yelled, "Fuck me," yanked off the sensor himself, tossed it across the road...where Chester Pete ran over it. No way to tell.

In any case, next Friday Bianchi and the Black Widow are returning to the Beth Israel Mother Ship, where Bianchi will get a probe stuck up his ass, the Black Widow will have her titties pinched, and SlingShot will spend the time in a waiting room reading his copy of the C++ GUI Programming Guide while gorging on candy bars, potato chips, and soda pop.

Guess the season is almost over.

12/01/06

SPRINT TAKEN: This morning Palletman was unfortunately just edged out (1 hr) by UV44 to be the first to to get listed on the American Road Cycling DECEMBER 2006 ATTENDANCE RECORDS. Unless of course UV44 actually is Palletman? We have no way of knowing, until UV44 puts something in the CHATTER BOX for us. Even then...

11/22/06

JUST IN CASE: For  your viewing pleasure, SlingShot finally waded through the web logs and updated the NOVEMBER 2006 ATTENDANCE RECORDS.

11/21/06

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL: This morning SlingShot was working on some other useless Internet stuff and decided that he should also include a check on American Road Cycling to see what's up. It has been a couple months since he has even bothered to take a look at the web logs, so as a quick check he grabbed a couple IP#'s from his notes; and, low and behold, the last entry in the ARC web logs is Palletman (7:43 this morning), with regular appearances throughout, apparently hoping to find a resurgence of the kakapoopoo nonsense ARC was famous for. Well, that means at least somebody got to see the latest from The Mother of the Bianchi in the CHATTER BOX.

11/08/06

FLASH: Yesterday Scott "The Man" sold a Moe-vici, pushing Stinkature Silos over the top for selling the most Serotta's by a single shop in a single year...ever. In a related story, Altheus closed their doors in Manhattan.

11/05/06

YEAH GRANT!
(somebody said Lance was there too)

10/24/06

NEW RIDGEBURY CONTENDER

At least it's not a banana!

What banana?

Currently Miguel is quite satisfied with kicking Humberto's fat ass all day, every day; but his appearance on Ridgebury is sure to arrive sooner than all of you think. Better stock up on the Butt'r to soothe your shredded glutes.

10/08/06

SOME PEOPLE FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO LEARN
FROM OTHER'S MISTAKES

Dan Buckley, looking very comfortable and just like he's been there before.
photo by: Paul Latrine

BTW: Also on today's Fall Foliage Ride, Hernando and The Gapper broke away (finally caught a very strong unknown rider in a T-Mobile jersey) and finished significantly faster than all others in the main group of strong riders on the 50. Really, nobody was forced to stop at the rest stops, so they made the decision to  keep on pedaling. They thus avoided any chance of being featured in any photos such as the one shown above. Their victory would have been that much sweeter had anybody given a shit.

10/07/06

DANGEROUS DAN SULLIVAN FINALLY WINS HUMP: Dan Sullivan finally reigned supreme on today's Hump after a very fast start, then a hard fought struggle over the 35.6 mile challenging and hotly contested course. Victory would have been that much sweeter had anybody given a shit.

09/30/06

SHHH! Hush, Hush.

From: Daniel Sullivan [mailto:danfs@optonline.net]
Sent: Friday, September 22, 2006 9:30 PM
To: George Meyer
Subject: Secret Cycling Advance


George,

These are top secret so you can't send them to anyone else yet.

See the next big advance in cycling technology: The Humberto Bars! These bars endorsed by the former pro cyclist who now dabbles in gardening, Humberto Cavalheiro. He contends that they have taken 5 minutes off of his time trial times.

            Danny

 

DISCLAIMER: American Road Cycling  supports the concept that the public has the right to know, so please  do not consider this leak of supposedly unpublished cycling technology from deep inside the bowels of a top secret research and development lavatory a breach of web etiquette. We just couldn't keep our mouths shut, once we had the poop on this excruciating new development. This will certainly scatter the competition.

09/16/06

COUNTRY ROADS RECAP

Banana-nana fo-fana...

Girl Gone Wild!

photo by: Rich "Big Bianchi" Lawrence

09/09/06

TWO LINKS FROM DR. ART

1) As explanation to the slower riders what the AA rides are really like, here's a view from the world of "Ok, but how would they do on Ridgebury?" subtitled, "Yeah, where's your dinky little camera now, Paul?" or re-titled, "Hmmph, nobody even hit the tractor!" - CLICK HERE

2) For the best damn photo of Dr. Art that has ever been published - CLICK HERE.

To Dr. Art, "I'm takin' your cheese, man! I'm takin' your cheese..." -SlingShot

Quote stolen by SlingShot from someone who, by all accounts, actually can. WATCH THE VIDEO AGAIN

05/01/06

OK...IT'S NOT ABOUT THE BIKE, BUT IT IS ABOUT THE RIDE

04/27/06


ROAD RASH COMICS
#36
(more from the Open House)

04/20/06

SLINGSHOT WINS $10 BET: This morning SlingShot was awakened by a snort and a laugh coming from the Black Widow, who was on the computer in the living room.

"What!" says SlingShot, and the enthusiastic Mary says, "Bianchi mentioned it in the OCBC Newsletter." Then she began reading the article.

SlingShot, having no time for such pleasantries, shoots, "Don't read it to me. Cut to the chase. Is the URL in the article?"

"Umm...hmm, well, no."

"Exactly! Case closed. Give me my $10."

The bet had been this, "That worthless organization and their grammatically challenged little newsletter (now that Roberta Dakan is gone), will never make a direct reference to:

www.americanroadcycling.org

Hell! They will continue to ignore the existence of the American Road Cycling web site, even if we donate $200! Despite the fact a significant portion of their members read it regularly!"

Now the truth is proven, even to the Black Widow. They wouldn't let Bianchi make a direct referral, even when he tried...three months after the donation.

Somebody should tell Seth, he might finally understand. After all, he did do his time as OCBC Club President, only to have them refuse to even mention his new ride tour group on their sleazy little OCBC web site.

It wasn't like Seth was asking for a Lifetime Achievement Award, just a mention of the fact that he and his cohort Terry Bowden are NOT in fact known serial killers—just in case somebody happened across their touring service online and was wondering.

So SlingShot has his 10 bucks in his pocket, never has to show up for another club ride again (no matter how much the Widow pleads), and can finally put the American Road Cycling web site to rest.

Congratulations SlingShot! Job well done! And it only took a little over a year to get the seriousness of that worthless organization's worthlessness through the Black Widow's thick Pollyannaish skull!

In any case, the same few loudmouths will continue to show up for the OCBC board meetings, and convince newbies that rules apply. Of course, those rules are mere hearsay, are not written down anywhere obviously displayed and referred to, nor maintained by any formal and uniform process. Those rules would still be ignored when convenient anyway, even if they were.

Since web searches will continue bringing hapless visitors to the American Road Cycling web site, newcomers should start with:

THE SPIN BITCH CHRONICLES

then take a quick review of:

TALIBAN STEALS LOCAL BICYCLE CLUB

Universal truths never die.

 


Editor's Note: Later The Bianchi cleared up the situation regarding the lack of full URL, referred to above, by apologizing and stating, "That is just the way I always write them. I never use .org's, etc. No harm was intended. I'll make a correction in the newsletter."

To which SlingShot replied, "No need to correct it. I sort of guessed that might be the actual situation, but I make it a policy to never allow facts to get in the way of  a story's flow. Really, don't waste another moment worrying about it, or divert attention away from more pressing matters in the newsletter. I would just find some other excuse for not showing up for group rides anyway."

 

04/19/06

HARRIMAN RIDE CLOSES EARLY: Nuclear Dan's Harriman had a surprise ending yesterday, as the ride broke apart early and never reorganized. The ride has therefore gone into hiatus while each of the riders go on their separate way to work on their own particular needs.

Usually this doesn't happen until much later in the season but may have been prompted early this year due to SlingShot's consternating inability to get dropped.

When reached for comment SlingShot said, "Well, I have learned all that I need to this year from group rides. Plus I must turn my attention to a more formalized study of sandbagging and the use of Race Day Periodization among Elite Duathlon competitors."

04/18¾/06

NEW ZIRRA IP# CONFIRMED: It has just been confirmed that UV35 is actually Zirra, due to a recent Chatter Box submittal matching Zirra-like garbled nonsense, plus the dates previously ascribed to UV35 exactly match days that Zirra had been missing in action. Boy, are we ever clever.

It was also noted today that Grant Salter from Signature Psychos (NYC) came onto ARC and ushered around another user in a different location, showing them how to post rides using the PUBLIC RIDES function. No, I'm tellin' you. We are ever so clever.

04/18½/06

SLINGSHOT PISSES OFF EVERYBODY AGAIN

04/18/06

NUCLEAR DAN BUCKLEY UPDATED HIS HARRIMAN RIDE ALL ON HIS OWN THIS MORNING!

04/17/06

MISSING CHILD

04/15½/06

HUMP REPORT: It was an exciting Hump today.

A full contingent of Skylands race team showed up, with lots of Cat1, 2, & 3 racers. The sheer weight of all that blue makes U.S. Postal (now Discovery) look like they just ain't trying. Apparently they weren't racing this week...except for The Hump.

Early on, Kevin Haley accomplished some brilliant blocking to keep SlingShot in the ride. Unfortunately, soon after that Joe Straub allowed a gap to open, and although SlingShot did make up the difference (after asking Joe if he couldn't kindly get the fuck out of his way), the bridging effort ended SlingShot's attack and dreams of glory. He then went off and did the Rump with the Merry Rumpsters.

Of course, all this happened before the "S" turn on the way out, so it is not likely to be reported in the main stream press. It is only being reported here so SlingShot can see his name in the same paragraph with Skylands Cycling, which is as close as he is ever likely to get to being associated with real cycling.

Much later the Merry Rumpsters saw Kevin Haley on the front and pulling all of Skylands much deeper in the ride, way past the Camel Farm in fact. But nobody likes Kevin, so we are not going to report it here, except to note that our friend Doug Allen was on his wheel with an immense "I'm sucking your wheel for all it's worth" big ass grin. Besides, there's much bigger news.

MASSIVE TRAINING SUCCESS: Jim "The Assasin" Amels reports that his winter training regime was rigorous and is about to bear fruit. All his work is about to pay off in a big way.

In the next week or so Jim plans to cash in all his beer cans for their deposit value and use the significant funds accrued to purchase upgrades to his bike. If you thought he was fast before...well, just you wait and see.

Not since Kevin Haley taught Bodie Miller everything Bodie knows about the training table has there been such a shake up within the world of athletics.

04/15/06

ANOTHER 2 NEW ROAD RASH COMICS

#34    #35

As often noted, SlingShot has not a scintilla of self-control nor patience, most recently exhibited by his jumping on Humberto's wheel with the distinct thought, "Oh, goodie. It's me an Humberto all the way home!"

So it comes as no surprise that he cannot wait to post the two most recent Dr. Art's Road Rash Comics separately, but has thrown them both up immediately upon receiving them. Of course everybody is glad he did, but to assuage his guilt, he has added a new subnavigation bar, so the entire OPEN HOUSE SERIES can be easily read sequentially. #32, #33, #34, #35.

04/14/06

HEARD ON YESTERDAY'S RIDE: During an installment of Silence of the Lambs yesterday, on the big hill coming out of Washingtonville, Mary made note of Paul watching for her to come up on on his right, so she passed on the left, and dropped her right hand as if she wasn't working—just like she did with Palletman in the article TEASER.

Of course, Paul merely mimicked her by dropping his own arm casually and saying, "Who do you think I am? Palletman?"

Mary, "No, of course not...Palletman's fast."

Ah, Spring is in the air! Which was later confirmed again when Hal (with new Ottrott), Jason, Paul, Mary, and SlingShot came across Doug, Twin George, Humberto, and Dangerous Dan going the opposite direction after they crossed 94 on the return home.

Both groups hooted catcalls, and went on their respective ways.

By the top of the longish climb in Mountainville, just when SlingShot was relaxing into I'm-going-to-finish-with-the-ride mode, he heard Twin George breathing hard to his left. The other group had apparently had a few minutes discussion, then decided to turn back, catch, and blow apart Paul's ride...which they did.

Even so, SlingShot was still with the ride at the top of Bob's Hill,  and soon after, when Humberto took off, it only made sense for him to excitedly grab a fast wheel.

During their drive home after the ride, SlingShot could only comment to Mary, "What was I thinking?"

04/13/06

ANYBODY GOT A CLUE: Does anybody have any idea why, with all this recently renewed talk about Flight 93, nobody ever mentions how one of the jet's engines was found 12 miles away from the crash site? Are we all just supposed to understand the truth of the matter, without a word, in the way we allow the childlike among us to maintain their belief in Santa Claus?

Or is this closer to the way Google allows the Chinese government to censor content, such as taking out Tank Man in searches for Tianenman, making it so that when the search comes from within China, it looks like this?

Has everybody but me already forgotten the particulars given in the first few weeks after the events of 9/11, or am I just being totally politically incorrect and insensitive to mention how that jet was most likely taken out by the U.S. Air Force?

04/12/06

A GRAY HAIR'S BREADTH AWAY: Joe Straub within whiffing distance of the Bethel Masters Class Title.

04/10/06

FINALLY: Finally somebody has caught on to what American Road Cycling has known all along. The Hudson Valley is currently the best place in the WORLD for cycling. Not only have they caught on, but they have decided to do something about it and now offer a cycling tour service. 

It's about time, and here's the link:

HUDSON VALLEY BIKING

...which is now also included on the SPONSORS (NOT) page.

Although their web site is a little spotty, and has no solid information about who these people are, we aren't that worried about it. First off, they ain't supposed to be web mavens, just ride mavens.  So it makes sense. Who cares whether or not the web site is great, if the service is great. Anybody ever browse the Internet while totally transported by a ride?

Secondly, a little birdie has given American Road Cycling some extra insight.

Apparently a main character in all this (and maybe the only, but we are not sure at this point) is former OCBC President, Seth (The Biker) Piker...whom you will recall has been fully lambasted here in the past (with good reason) for harassing SlingShot. But that is an aside, and of no consequence.

The main thing, or so we have heard, is that Seth petitioned the local club to post a link on their OCBC web site to this new and laudable venture.

Of course the OCBC Board of Directors, etc, being what they are, were aghast at the mere thought of posting commercial content related to cycling—notwithstanding it being for a former President with numerous hours, yes even DAYS of work poured into that worthless Club. They merely refused outright to show any support whatsoever, and you have already heard their standard excuses before: 1) insurance, 2) would look like we are endorsing, 3) what if something happened, 4) our world might come tumbling down around us, 5) the sky might fall, 6) Al Qaeda might slip across the Canadian border on bicycles, etc. Pretty sad, really.

The Board probably stumbled around for hours, bumping off furniture and into each other, tripping over their own egos and humming tunes of heavenly glory while they conjured how best to do nothing at all.

In any case, into this vacuum steps the wonder and majesty of the Internet.

American Road Cycling is not hobbled by such shoddy, small minded fears. We can post what we want, when we want, not beholdin' to nobody. So the link is given above, plus it is posted permanently on the SPONSORS (NOT) page.

We can also offer this endorsement. We know Seth. We know that he has in fact ridden basically every rideable road in this area and far around, knows where great and attractive tourist sites are, knows where great food is, knows where...well, knows where you will have a great time on your bike.

We also know he will ride the speed you like, and make sure you are comfortable. He will put together a custom ride to suit your level and taste. And he will make it as safe as he can.

We know for certain that he was a ride leader and constant participant in more local club rides than we can count, for at least the last 10 years, plus tours to other parts of the world, as stated on the web site.

We also know that this is the perfect moment to explain why American Road Cycling has never accepted any money or sponsorships from anybody, begging at our door or not.

By refusing such indebtedness we can thus post such endorsements as the one above for Seth, while to any other business, cycling or not, posted or merely referred to, on the American Road Cycling web site, we can state with absolute clarity and impunity,

"If you are unhappy that we have endorsed this cycling related business (HUDSON VALLEY BIKING) and/or in the way that we have done so, or you take issue with any perceived possible conflict of interest springing from your own overactive imagination... please, and we say this with all sincerity, GO FUCK YOURSELF! Truly, GO FUCK YOURSELF!"

Seth can lead a ride that will be thoroughly enjoyed, and the Hudson Valley is the best place in the world for him to do it.

04/10/06

2 NEW ROAD RASH COMICS

Dr. Art is providing a retrospective of Stinkature Silos' Grand Opening in the heart of Manhattan's bicycle district. Below are the first two in a multipart series detailing the events surrounding Paul Latrine, Grant Salter, and Jason Foster's gala opening of the new custom bicycle fitting studio in NYC. It also heralds the resumption of American Road Cycling's most beloved feature:

Dr. Art's Road Rash Comics

Many of you have already seen the first episode, but a review will help provide impact for the second, so...last time on Road Rash Comics:

GRAND OPENING EPISODE 1

Now, this week on Road Rash Comics, Stinkature Silos Grand Opening:

GRAND OPENING EPISODE 2

04/09½/06

CONFIRMATION HEARING: The Bianchi has been confirmed UV27. Therefore, a special pre-mid-month update of the ATTENDANCE RECORDS has been decreed to correct and accurately credit his arrivals on the American Road Cycling web site.

04/09/06

NEW FEATURE: The following link is now included on all RIDE CHOICE listing pages:

"ALSO SEE: PALLETMAN'S OCBC RIDES LIST"

This link points to Palletman's compiled ride listings over on the OCBC web site. Palletman has spared no expense and effort assembling the most comprehensive list that his little OCD fingers can cobble, and this link will make things easier on everyone. American Road Cycling discourages the P'man from posting the same rides here thus incurring double entry duty. Additionally, this new link will stop SlingShot himself from being tempted to repeat P'man's work.

Actually, American Road Cycling should encourage P'man's double effort, because the sooner those OCBC losers wear him down, the quicker American Road Cycling will benefit by receiving his undivided attention. Let's hope those Club yuks don't realize what they've got till it's too late. They've done it before. Can you say, "Paul Latrine"?

Somebody who cares about ARC should advise Palletman to step carefully away from that little Genie's jar The Bianchi is about to pop the cork on. On second thought, let's encourage The Bianchi to pop that cork. That way we can grab hold of The Bianchi right away. The P'man will surely follow along later.

04/08/06

ROAD RASH COMICS

Geeze Lynn, why didn't you ask before? [see: CHATTER BOX, #462]

Below is a link to glimpse the new Dr. Art retrospective of Stinkature Silos' Grand Opening in the heart of Manhattan's bicycle district. This is the first in a multipart series detailing the events surrounding Paul Latrine, Grant Salter, and Jason Foster's gala opening of the new custom bicycle fitting studio in NYC. It also heralds the resumption of American Road Cycling's most beloved feature:

Dr. Art's Road Rash Comics

GRAND OPENING EPISODE 1

04/07½/06

DAN BUCKLEY EDGES OUT PALLETMAN: For the first time ever, Nuclear Dan just edged out Palletman to be the first person to arrive at the American Road Cycling web site for the day. They then traded licks with Dan Palletman's last page hit coming a mere 4 seconds after Nuclear Dan's last. The Black Widow has requested that American Road Cycling be renamed The Pitiful Insomniacs Lonely Hearts Club.

04/07/06

DETAILS AT 11: Word on the street has it that Kevin Haley gets major points for blocking and thus allowing Joe Straub a win at Bethel. More at 11. Well...actually, that's all we got, so get your training sleep in, there'll be no more at 11.

Also, Nuclear Dan Buckley stopped by yesterday and showed us PROOF that he won his age group in the Do Wop. Really, it looks like the photographer knew that nobody was going to believe Dan did it. Just click on the thumbnails. Every one of the enlarged images states plainly: PROOF. Don't forget to notice Dan's American Road Cycling Ridgebury Prime Jersey. Too bad he doesn't look as good as Patrick, but here's a good cycling photo anyway.

Finally, Dan gets even more points for good work than Kevin, because Dan got SlingShot so pumped up about riding that he went out despite the cold. Getting SlingShot's fat ass on a bike in this kind of weather has to be a lot harder than merely handing a win over to Joe Straub.

04/06/06

PRO CHOICE: Nothin' new here. Yesterday I had the choice of writing something, or going out for a ride. Not until I could barely hold 12mph going past Hernando's building (Stark's crash site) through the prison, then was almost blown off my bike coming down Pines Hill Road, did I realize I probably should have chosen to stay home. I had an easy go of it up Demarest, but that just allowed me to think about how the wind was pretty much just like Florida, except 30 degrees colder.

I did get to see Charlie Brown with a chainsaw at the top of Demarest. Rather striking site, even though he forgot to put on his hockey mask.

Probably should have chosen to stay home and write, even better, I should have chosen to stay in Florida.

04/04½/06

BLACK WIDOW FOLLOW UP: From the world of the wild and wacky, Mary just noticed part of one of her paintings is now being used on the home page of the American Watercolor Society's web site. Check it out, it is the left hand panel. Mary saw it when she went to the site to get dates for this year's show, so we can go down and photograph her painting finally hanging in the oldest and most difficult watercolor art show to get into in the U.S. [This is a follow-up to the discussion about Liz Latrine taking the painting down for her in February. Here's a photo of one of her paintings at Stinkature Silos NYC. Guess Paul, Grant and Jason are pretty proud of themselves for grabbing this painting before the damn burst.]

04/04/06

+  =

04/03/06

RACE RESULTS, NUCLEAR DAN

04/01/06

PAUL Latrine: Paul Latrine has requested that American Road Cycling mention that today is the Grand Opening of his new cycle fitting studio in Manhattan with prizes and shit, but we are not going to do it.

03/30/06

SLINGSHOT TO LEAD THE RUMP!

03/29/06

TEASER

03/28/06

OFF ROAD/RACE RESULTS: American Road Cycling has returned to NY, and the first order of business is to make amends for Nuclear Dan failing to update the Harriman Ride on the Ride Choice Daily list due to American Road Cycling having assigned him a user name and password that could not be remembered, nor even jotted down. In any case, although our apology must be made, it is unlikely that anybody traveled so far as Bob and Mary to be disappointed in finding an empty parking lot. They came from Florida State, taking two days to get there. So how bad did this lack of notification fuck up your own day?

In any case, here's Dan's explanation along with the most recent race results:

Hi Bob:
I just went on the ARC site. I wanted to update the ride info for today's Harriman Ride but forgot my name and password. I don't think I have Alzheimer's but I do have a problem with these things if I don't write them down, or if I lose the paper I wrote them down on.

Anyway, I'm still recovering from the race and don't think I will make it today, that is unless Jimmy, Frank or Bruce are willing to go. It's 6AM, and I'm not going to see those guys for a while, if at all today.

I finished 37th overall, 2nd in my age group [Odd Man Duathlon].

Frank had the distinction of procuring the DFL trophy, (a turtle shell) for finishing Dead Fucking Last. He is very happy with himself for sticking with it and finishing such a grueling event. Several competitors dropped out.

Alrightythan
db

Ok...so any motherfucking loser, who has never even shown up for one of these races, let alone finished one, and who has the unmitigated gall and unbridled temerity to feel they have even the slightest right to make the smallest of one single goddamn snide comment to Frank about his Turtle Shell trophy, they will have their horn rimmed nerdy ass glasses ripped off their pin head in order to better enjoy SlingShot's fist slammed hard upside their snotty ass nose. Got that assholes?

Otherwise, anybody who would like to say anything at all derogatory to Dan about getting his ass creamed by a total geezer, should feel free to do so. This wasn't his first race.

Also,  anybody who has actually in fact finished a few of these races, and who knows what it take to do so, may trash-talk Frank in the customary manner. He will be sure to return the favor after your own next race.

American Road Cycling is pretty sure Frank was already quick to treat those people who QUIT the race in the roughest manner that suits him.

In addition, Nuclear Dan has been known to mention American Road Cycling as his race team when signing up for races. We should mention here, that if Frank ever did the same for himself, American Road Cycling would be more than proud to benefit from association with him.

As for you dear reader, what race did YOU finish this week?

03/27/06

ON THE ROAD AGAIN: American Road Cycling is proud to announce that yesterday SlingShot and the Black Widow did some work updating rides on the SELECT BY DAY lists, then this morning they headed out for the return trip to NY. However, since they are getting along in age, they will be taking their time getting back. First stop on the way is to see Sammy, the Black Widow's retired Dressage horse. Sometimes SlingShot wishes she'd remount Sammy's back and get off his own.

In case American Road Cycling is still on the road when the month rolls over, the ATTENDANCE RECORDS have been updated to the 26th of March. That way those who are anxious to see the latest browsing results will not have to wait. In summary, it appears American Road Cycling has become much more of a big deal than SlingShot would have suspected.

THIS JUST IN: As we were packing to leave, we noticed the Jhonson was trying out his Ride Choice Edit Forms and provided a new map link for Nuclear Dan's Harriman Ride. It is beautiful.

About the RIDE CHOICE SOFTWARE the Jhonson states, "I tried everything I could think of to break the form, couldn't do it...:) People should actually be using the damn thing, it is great. haven't seen a thing out there that could touch this! The whole thing works and it is cool. -j"

American Road Cycling couldn't agree more. Explanation about why this way of listing rides is absolutely superior to anything else likely to be found online will be provided when SlingShot returns to NY and extends the search and selection options. Of course a lot of you already understand why it blows the doors off anything else.

BTW: If all goes well, this could be the year we finally finish the first Spring Century (or maybe the second one) in under 5 hrs. After all, it is flat, and Zirra will be there. Stay tuned for results...or better yet, show up and help.

03/25/06

WELCOME ANOTHER NEW VIEWER: American Road Cycling is pleased to welcome the second new viewer in two days: UV28, with confirmed visits 21, 22, and 25. Also former American Road Cycling Ridgebury Prime Winner Patrick Saunders was here yesterday, then again today. That means Spring must be moving in pretty quickly on NY, because Patrick appeared to be looking around for rides. Guess it's about time for SlingShot and the Black Widow to be heading back to NY.

BTW: Patrick got to be the first person to see the newest version of the Ride Choice Calendar on the Public Edit Form. The Calendar thingy on that page is now functioning in full self-aware mode. Should be self explanatory. Try it...you'll like it.

03/24½/06

NUCLEAR DAN AND FRANK DIPASQUALE RACE TOMORROW

03/24/06

WELCOME NEW VIEWER: American Road Cycling is pleased to welcome new viewer UV27, with confirmed arrivals March 21, 22, and 23. All the rest of you LOOK AT THIS!, and THEN THIS!, and FINALLY ONE OF THESE!, plus MAYBE THIS ONE!, and HERE'S ONE WITH A CUE!

Of course, all this is now automated using SUCH AS THIS!

So full circle, and a big American Road Cycling welcome to new arrival UV27.

Rides may be toggled On/Off using the "Publish" check box. Easy one time set up, and even easier to keep current, or merely toggled Off, then toggled back On when appropriate. Ride Masters have access to their own specialized SUCH AS THIS! If you want your own, just ask.

The results show up on the Select by Day radio buttons page. It works for any State, County, or Country. Other Planets will be added on an as needed basis.

03/23/06

APOLOGY: SlingShot apologizes to Palletman, for any trouble he may have caused him by updating the RIDE CHOICE SOFTWARE for the third or fourth time yesterday. Apparently, this was done at the very moment Palletman was entering a new ride. SlingShot has been off-planet in a programming trance for the last couple days, but believes the new improvements to the RIDE CHOICE SOFTWARE will be to everyone's liking. Of course, everyone will have to take a look.

03/20/06

NOTE TO TWIN LYNN: Per your comment in the CHATTER BOX stating SlingShot had left a grammatical error in the SLINGSHOT CENSORED AGAIN article (which you pointed out was out of character for him, and probably due to his being so nasty mad) - SlingShot has himself checked the copy again, at great emotional cost to himself, and now reports he found at least three of the shorter sentences which did NOT contain grammatical errors. The rest were fraught with errors, now fixed... somewhat, but SlingShot is still nasty mad.

03/19/06

NOTE TO PALLETMAN: Last night UV18 went to the Rides Radio Button page and found their way to your Unionville 44 ride info. Maybe you won't have to go it alone.

03/17/06

Check out SEARCH MSN, then read SLINGSHOT CENSORED AGAIN! This notice will remain on the American Road Cycling home page for the next week in order to give everybody a fair chance at being horrified by the article.

03/16/06

BIANCHI'S VERSAGE SALVAGED

03/15/06

REMINDER: Somebody tell Bianchi that the online version of the  Attendance Records is only being updated once a month. Plus American Road Cycling did in fact confirm that his last entry in CHATTER BOX came from him, not a Faux Bianchi. We'll assign somebody the task of breaking out the original poem and posting it as Mail so his verse breaks can be reinstated.

Somebody tell Palletman he can stop looking, because there ain't gonna be no new rides listed to view until somebody puts some in.

Nobody needs to tell Nuclear Dan that he isn't even checking his e-mail anymore due to the only mail he ever gets is spam. He already knows that.

Somebody tell Twin Lynn she really is 29, and nobody's questioning it.

03/14/06

CHUCKIE UPDATE

03/13/06

THEFT OF RIDE AND HIDE MANEUVER!

03/11/06

SLINGSHOT ARRESTED!

03/10/06

SLINGSHOT SAYS: If I was not currently in Florida State, but in NY, my ass would be at the Chester Train Station, 1:00 pm today, you can count on that!

03/09½/06

ZIRRA POSTS A NEW JERSEY RIDE

03/09/06

PALLETMAN POSTS A SPRING OPENER: And don't miss Palletman's Collected Works at OCBC.

03/08½/06

PALLETMAN POSTS SPECIAL
LONG SLOW DISTANCE RIDE
FOR THIS FRIDAY

03/08/06

URGENT PRIVATE LETTER
TO NUCLEAR DAN BUCKLEY

03/07¼/06

NUCLEAR DAN BUCKLEY REPORTS SPRING OPENER IN HARRIMAN FOR TODAY: Once again, Nuclear scoops the cycling world by posting the first Spring Opener.

03/07/06

DANGEROUS DAN SULLIVAN COMMENTS REGARDING THE FAT BOY CONTEST PHOTO: As a convenience, we have posted Dan's letter below the original photo.

03/06/06

GODZILLA VOWS AN ATTACK: Zirra promises his presence on the 05/06/06 Farmland Flat Tour Century. Nuclear, Brand New, The Assassin, Franky Panky, and Slingshot are bound to get burned. Screeeeech....the Spring is heating up!

03/05/06

FAT BOY CONTEST
Find the fat boy! Can you spot the fat boy in this photo?

03/03½/06

PUBLIC ENTRY FORMS FULLY FUNCTIONAL: Five (5) ride for anybody to edit. No password required. Also all ARC ride leaders have all been given five of their own rides to mix, match and edit. While we are waiting for computers and Internet access to become more common, Palletman has been granted control of all OCBC ride listings, except Lynn's Hump, Walk, and Majorca.

02/18½/06

BULLSHIT OR BULLERSHIT: SlingShot ran into this guy John, on the Pinellas Trail, between Clearwater and St. Petersburg, FL this afternoon. The guy had just gotten a new Trek from Chainwheel, so the Shot was telling him that he might like to get fit on the Serotta Fit Cycle at the bike shop when, at that very moment, Paul Latrine calls Bob's cell phone just before a bridge, what passes for a hill in Florida.

It remains unclear who was more certain that SlingShot's story was nothing more than a load of crap: 1) Paul, when SlingShot picked up his phone breathing hard and said, "I'm climbing a hill, and I was just talking about you," or 2) John after SlingShot hung-up and said, "That was Serotta's master fitter, Paul Latrine, he's teaching the seminar that Hank from Chainwheel will be taking."

After John hammered SlingShot close to death for the next 20 miles, they parted with a mention to look up American Road Cycling online. Maybe John will find us here and leave something in the CHATTER BOX, so we can get a better handle on just who was more certain they were being totally bullshat upon, him or Paul.

02/13/06 -
03/03/06

PROGRESS REPORTS FOR "THE RIDE CHOICE" SOFTWARE: No need to have all those daily updates clogging up the archives file. They've been moved over to their own page.

02/12/06


Lynn Meyer © 2006

02/12/06: Twin Lynn's Sunday ride canceled due to wet conditions. ("Bunch o' NY pussies! Uh, Lynn...turn around quick for a picture of the snowplow coming back." - SlingShot) [The response to this posting was the development of The Ride Choice software network application.]
 

02/11/06

WEIRD SCIENCE: Today, just one day after the final shut down of American Road Cycling due to somebody spamming SlingShot, the supreme slap shot was applied to the face of the Black Widow.

She just found out that one of her lesser works was accepted to show in the American Watercolor Society, 139th Annual International Exhibition. On one hand this is the final feather in the Endico cap, on the other hand it is just another ho-hum day in the life of an artist.

She has been submitting works to this show for over 30 years, and always been rejected...even though she has otherwise exhibited in every National Juried Watercolor Art show in the U.S. (often) plus numerous shows elsewhere.

For all her artist friends, the AWS show is known to be one of the hardest exhibitions in the world to get into. Doing so is like being nominated for an Oscar, Grammy, and Emmy, all at the same time. On the other hand it is well known that the judging process is all out of whack, which is another story altogether. In any case, getting in the show as an outsider is pretty much akin to winning a mega lottery.

So she sent in a slide before we left New York for Florida this year. Then she left the painting at Paul's, so he could hand deliver it (mandatory) just in case she, "...happened to get accepted."

Then, today she found four messages from AWS on her machine, asking if she was on the way bringing her painting to NYC. Of course the message was placed on her voicemail yesterday. Turns out her notice of acceptance had not reached her by snail mail yet. Since AWS always sends out Rejections a few week's after the Acceptances, Mary was accustomed to paying little or no attention when the deadline for bringing paintings to the show arrived.

Besides, the painting submitted had already been rejected from the show previously. Maybe more than once. Mary doesn't really pay much attention. It was just a slide she had left over from other show submittals, and her friend Joan Ross and her husband Jack had twisted her arm to submit to the show saying, "No, really. They're finally accepting less traditional work!"

Had she been accepted earlier in her career, it might have actually been a help to her. In this case, it has proven to be very anticlimactic...except for the little matter of diverting attention away from SlingShot's birthday and back onto herself.

At least this gives Liz Latrine an opportunity to be the hero (again) by taking the painting downtown. Looks like AWS can make a certain allowance for an Endico watercolor arriving just a little late. Plus the blizzard may cause the awards  judging to be put off till after the painting gets there...not that they are likely to stray very far from their standard lack of recognizing Endico as a force to be reckoned with.

Guess it proves that what Mary always thought about this organization is true. She always figured it was just a bunch of old biddies running their smug little art show for their own amusement. Now that Mary is herself an old biddy, has gotten accepted, and will be in the the show, she knows it was true all along.

Too bad American Road Cycling is shut down. This would have made a good story for it.

02/10½/06

UNDER THE WIRE: Hardly a shop closes that someone hasn't slipped their foot in the door just as it shuts.

The JHonson comments on ARC's final closing.

(For details see: SPAMMERS below.)

02/10/06

SPAMMERS: Earlier today American Road Cycling received a mass e-mail from somebody who should know better, especially given the fact that American Road Cycling has, on many more than one occasion, requested to be omitted from such mailings. 

Although clever photos of a self serving nature may have been submitted which may have otherwise been of interest to everybody reading the American Road Cycling web site, as soon as American Road Cycling saw that the mailing was a "broadcast" which carried with it the American Road Cycling e-mail address in a "send list" of the type that can be harvested by anybody else on the list, or anybody else that anybody else on the list happens to forward the offending e-mail to, or anybody else who is anybody else, or anybody else who is not even anybody else but merely a robot, and not to mention that the e-mail was followed in by other spam mail from sources that are probably using the publishing computer as a spamming zombie (assumed because it is typical to receive such spamming every time an e-mail comes from, or around, or near the offending address)...American Road Cycling simply deleted it.

Therefore, American Road Cycling cannot comment on the contents. We never even saw it.

That's how we do stuff around here. Get used to it.

Actually, no need to get used it...that's how we USED to do it. As of this moment the American Road Cycling web site has fulfilled its mission and will cease to function forthwith. Trash talk and wiretapping are one thing, spamming is quite another matter altogether.

Do you remember where you were when Seinfeld, Saint Elsewhere, Taxi, Cheers, WKRP, Larry Sanders, etc. went off the air? Do you remember the feeling you had when you turned the last page of the last great novel you read?

So quit whimpering you sniveling idiots. All novels end, and all things must pass, but there is always something new just over the horizon.

When reached for comment SlingShot said merely, "What web site?"

02/09/06

DC ATTIC HORROR: By the time you read this, it will be old news; but, just like the rest of the mass media, American Road Cycling is experiencing a slow news day, so we are filling the dead cyber-time with the following:

An alarm was set off for a possible nerve agent in the attic of the Russell Building in Washington, DC. [For Grant Salter we must point out that Washington, DC is our Nation's capital.]

In any case, numerous Senators and staff were evacuated while testing for the specific nature of the substance was conducted.

Happily, all tests returned negative.

American Road Cycling has but two questions.

First, aside from the exciting news opportunities this event provided, why on earth would anyone think a terrorist would find it useful to place a nerve agent in the ATTIC of a government building?

Our second question is simply, "Just exactly what is Rat Poison made of?"

Editor's Note: American Road Cycling has no question whatsoever as to why Washington Officials would be afraid of such substances. As to why it is news, however, is anyone's conjecture.

Editor's Second Note: American Road Cycling is not in the least surprised that the rest of the mass media has failed to report on the specific results of the testing, such as, "Ok, it was not a nerve agent, but it was..."

Maybe we'll find out later tomorrow on Stewart or Colbert, which is especially likely after they review the American Road Cycling web site...again. We'll just post this before the day rolls over, in hopes of finally beating them to our own story.

02/08½/06

FORCED AMENDMENT: There was such an outcry of objection over the recently published cartoon that  American Road Cycling is forced to make amends.

Therefore, once again, if you are one of those people extremely sensitive to images of your cherished spiritual figurehead being defamed in a cartoon purely for the prurient public amusement,

DO NOT CLICK HERE
 

02/08/06

ODD FIND: Our American Road Cycling Web Search Diva just ran across a New York Times article dated August, 1990 (par.  8-9) mentioning SlingShot and the Black Widow herself under their pseudonyms, Bob and Mary. One of the best articles ever written about Sugar Loaf, back in the day.

Mary ran across the article while trying to figure out how to get a T-Shirt made OUT OF THIS. Guess she got distracted.

02/07½/06

FRANKLY SPEAKING: Frank, the missing page that Google led you to, was moved several months ago. Here's  the new location.

02/07/06

HELP WANTED: Anybody happening upon Kevin Haley: look away quickly. With your eyes averted, please ask him to stop showing up on the American Road Cycling web site to click only upon the name Kevin Haley.

Elsewhere, there has been a slight elaboration added to the CENSORSHIP UPDATE.

------------------------------------

Mid-Morning Help Wanted Follow-up: Ok, that worked. Thanks to whomever got the word to Kevin Haley, now somebody else track him down and have him come back so we can demand: KEVIN HALEY CLICK HERE.

Other News: There has been some talk of changing Chester Pete's nom to Angry Pete. We don't think so, because Chester Pete really, really hates being called Chester Pete, so a re-nom'ing might backfire, making him somewhat less Angry...which would defeat the intent of the change no matter. It is a quandary, but if the new nom catches on, American Road Cycling will be sure to use it, assuming it pisses Pete off enough.

02/06½/06

PORNOGRAPHIC WIRETAP THOUGHT

If wiretaps are outlawed,
only outlaws will tap your wire.
Status quo.

     -SlingShot
 

CENSORSHIP UPDATE: We all learned about SlingShot's (thus American Road Cycling's) stance on censorship through the publication of THE SPIN BITCH CHRONICLES. Recent world events have brought problems of censorship once again to the fore. Daily broadcasts are filled with rioting crowds, proving what happens if overly sensitive groups (religious wankers) are left to their own devices when fighting over which end of an egg should be cracked.

SlingShot asks, "If making a likeness of an entity is strictly forbidden, then no true believer will have ever seen that likeness. Therefore, how can any of the true believers verify that a likeness has even been made? Let me get this straight. People are in the streets rioting over an image that they may not look upon, so none of them can verify if it even exists? Are all religions as idiotic as Christianity?"

American Road Cycling has never shied away from controversy, and feels that full disclosure is absolutely necessary in this case. Since the mass media in the U.S. has refused to show the cartoon which sparked the mob lootings, we are publishing the following image with full knowledge that some may find it an abomination before god.

So, if you are one of those people extremely sensitive to images of your cherished spiritual figurehead being defamed in a cartoon purely for the prurient public amusement,

DO NOT CLICK HERE
 

02/06/06

STRAP ON YOUR THINKING HELMETS: Take a look at this SPECIAL EDITION RESPONSE TO THE WEB LOGS STUDY... Also, you might like to jump on the back of the line to try and hire this guy. Put together a five day pack and start walking right now. Better walk real fast, and eat real slow.

BTW: The Bianchi's sentence has been commuted. He successfully navigated the rigorous multilayered American Road Cycling security check and is once again allowed access to the American Road Cycling web site. The Faux Bianchi remains returned to the 5th dimension from whence it came.

BTBTW: If anybody happens to see Kevin Haley, don't look at him.

02/05/06

SECRET WEAPON: She is proud that she has been doing her pushups faithfully in preparation for the Spring rides. But still, please keep THE BLACK WIDOW'S MOST RECENT "AFTER" PHOTO hidden from Mary Ellen. We don't want to frighten her with the Black Widow's results to date.

02/04½/06

BANNED: The Faux Bianchi has been permanently banned from the American Road Cycling web site due to aggressive weaving in and out browsing. That, and to protect him from himself, just in case it is the real Bianchi, not merely a Wanna-Bianchi-be.

02/04¾ /06: In a related story, UV1 has also been permanently banned from the American Road Cycling web site for aiding and abetting the Bianch-alike by providing access to the CHATTER BOX, or maybe it was the actual Bianchi who merely required a therapeutic follow-up-banning in order to save him from himself.

SlingShot says that he is starting feel like a Chiropractor, what with all the recent adjustments he was required to make around here.

02/04/06

FROM THE GROUND UP: Due to recent submittals in the CHATTER BOX, American Road Cycling has been shocked to learn that people are actually reading this nonsense. Along with that being fairly unexpected, it is totally unacceptable. People should be on their bikes, not on their computers.

[For context see: Faux Pas' comments on the CHATTER BOX, dated 2/3/2006 5:41:00 PM]

SlingShot's comment: "If I thought people were going to read this shit, I never would have written it!"

Therefore American Road Cycling will remain shut down for the foreseeable future in order to allow restructuring. A full redesign of the web site will be completed hoping to improve on our previous success of discouraging people from coming here.

So far only one (1) firm decision has been made. On the new site, there will be absolutely, positively no mention of Kevin Haley. We will use that policy as a loss leader to attract a larger audience who may be assured there's nothing here to see. That way we can do a better job of directing people to: NORTH AMERICAN ELITE ROAD CYCLING.

02/03½/06

NOTHING AGAINST DR. ART BUT...

02/03/06

FORENSIC FILES: American Road Cycling forensics division has reported that Bianchi (if that's who it really is) has toned back his/hers/its browsing intensity, and now exhibits rational behavior on the site. We don't like that. On the other hand, this person will do what they are told to do. That alone would seem to indicate a Bianchi-ness to their character. When OCBC gets done with the poor sap, there will not be much left to draft behind.

Also, this person's entrance onto the web site evidences a distinct possibility that he has bookmarked American Road Cycling as one of his Favorites.

In addition, one has to get up PRETTY early in the morning to get on American Road Cycling before Zirra, and that's just what Big (if he is who he says he is) Bianchi has done. He already arrived at 4:00 am this morning. Sorry to: Zirra, Palletman, and Paul.

Paul won't notice though, because he's so overweight, uh, overwrought opening his new place in Manhattan, he won't even read this page. He'll just pop on for a second so SlingShot will punch his time card for him.

Weirdest Search Result: Ever get frustrated by a Google Search? Probably never more than the person who ended up on the Black Widow's web site using this search for: How did the United States acquire the Loisiana Purchase?

They probably should not have misspelled Louisiana.

American Road Cycling did not bother to go out for a ride yesterday, because it was 78° and Sunny again.

By popular demand Kevin Haley will not be mentioned today.

02/02¾/06

MANY THANKS: Bianchi (if you are who you say you are), extra thanks for browsing the Endico site. It is the first time we've gotten to watch browsing on that site using the same process perfected at American Road Cycling. You helped us identify a problem with, and correct, the Black Widow photo page.

Thank you for helping us fix a problem, and please note that you would have been even more impressed had you not been led astray and away from the:

VISUAL INTERFACE TO THE Endico DATABASE

SlingShot's fault, sorry! Of course, Kevin Haley is not mentioned there on purpose.

02/02½/06

Special Ground Hog Photo of the Day!

Kevin Haley has already clicked on it. Somebody please tell him to kindly stay the fuck off this site. He will not be mentioned again.

02/02/06

YOU MISSED ONE: Good thing SlingShot already learned everything he needs to know about traffic patterns on the American Road Cycling web site. He went out for a ride (78° and Sunny) while the board sparkled up like the 4th of July.

Seems somebody got the word that the ATTENDANCE RECORDS have been cleared, and that people are only being added back in the order they show up the first time for the month. Massive migration back onto the leader board already in progress.

One oddity in yesterday's rush was Frank's Friend Pretending to be Bianchi (UV12) who hit the site so many times that it appeared somebody must really be catching up on their reading. Then SlingShot noticed that the numerous repeating hits had an odd pattern, so he asked Nuclear Dan Buckley if the flashing of the log entries didn't look like shutter lights transmitting Morse code back and forth between subs in the deepest night. [No Paul, not those kinds of subs, the other kind of subs.]

Turns out the pattern was indeed a code that when broken read: "Mama Bianchi no lika the SlingShot."

BTW: Faux Bianchi, you missed ROAD RASH #23.

Oh right, as for cycling: Yesterday morning we took the dog for a walk on the beach in Fort De Soto Park (The Florida Alps), where we saw a very strong rider motor-pacing behind a Vespa. Somebody in the dog park was talking to Mary when they heard the cyclist scream, "Yeah, fuck you!" and turned to see him giving an outstretched arm and finger to a truck pulling a boat behind him.

Black Widow said it was beautiful, "Like ballet." The guy she was talking to said, "Wow. He's got to be going 40mph!" Of course, he didn't know anything about cycling, so had no clue how fast the cyclist was going.

We walked out to the road and cheered the guy as they came back around from North Beach. He was concentrating and didn't even notice.

Later in the day, Mary, still recovering from her Yoga accident, was walking the dog again (same spot) when SlingShot came past on his Ottrott. On finishing his loop he asked, "Did I look fast?" She said, "Sure did," so Shot said, "Yep, I was just over 23 mph. How'd it look compared the guy behind the Vespa this morning?"

"...guess he WAS doing 40."

IN CLOSING: Would someone please remind Kevin Haley to stop coming back to the American Road Cycling web site. We are done with him, and will not mention his name again.

02/01½/06

FEBRUARY EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH: American Road Cycling's February Employee of the Month is Kevin Hetzel (Zirra) for being the first one to show up. Honorable mention goes to Dan (Palletman) McNeilly) for coming in second.

02/01/06

CALL IN THE FBI: A troubling bot showed up at American Road Cycling this morning with an interesting entry in the field that usually tells SlingShot such things as: this is a FireFox browser (as in belonging to Dan (Palletman) McNeilly), or this is a Microsoft Browser (as in also belonging to Dan (Palletman) McNeilly), or this is a Google bot.

In that field was simply: head-scan.pl/1.0

SlingShot did a Google search to see if people have been reporting it as a problem. Some Usage Stat pages were returned which is typical. What was not typical was the number of returns. There were only (and exactly) 119 returns.

Holy Shit Batman! That's 911 backwards.

SlingShot is not a conspiratist...well, actually he is, but this is so obviously NOT a conspiracy but most certainly THE conspiracy.

Clearly it is either Google fucking with the Feds, or the Feds fucking with Google. Everybody duck under this tangling of the giant dinosaurs, and somebody call the the FBI!

Don't mention Kevin Haley when you do.

01/31½/06

FOR EARLY RISERS AND UV10: SUMMARY OF THE MONTH LONG STUDY is continuing to be updated—slightly. Basically the additions are about how American Road Cycling's dozen or so readers could just as easily be reported as 23,488 hits on the web site for the month of January.

This notification is relevant only to Kevin Hetzel (Zirra), Dan (Palletman) McNeilly, and UV10 who is probably from Washington State where 3:19 A.M. is just after midnight.

01/31/06

AND THE WINNER IS... Although I strongly warned against making a contest out of who could show up the most, it appears the games began and there we went. Review of the ATTENDANCE RECORDS shows the Grand Winner is:

DANGEROUS DAN SULLIVAN

Dan wins for being the only person to so effectively cloak his browsing that SlingShot would truly have to say, "He never showed up hardly ever." Therefore, Dangerous wins hands down no matter.

Either he showed up unbeknownst to American Road Cycling (and body even cared enough to turn him in by providing his IP#), or alternatively he only showed up for class twice this month—which would be an even more worthy stance (not wasting his time here) than would have been an aggressive sneaking in unseen.

So the rest of you are LOSERS, and American Road Cycling means that in the best way possible.

Ok, Dan...the celebration is over. Now, shut up and get back to pulling.

If anybody has an interest:

HERE'S THE SUMMARY OF THE MONTH LONG STUDY

01/30/06

NEW UV NOTED: American Road Cycling has identified another Unknown Viewer (UV11) in the ATTENDANCE RECORDS as a probable human. Their IP# is based in Reston, VA, so they are being considered as a possible F.B.I lurker, or similar, who have probably already logged comment about American Road Cycling into a dossier thus, "Never have so few done so little about nothing."

01/29/06

NOTE TO SELF: Dear SlingShot, stop feeling guilty about not putting anything on American Road Cycling today, even though you checked several times and saw that Lynn, Paul, Palletman, Frank, Kevin (Hetzel  not Haley), and Terry Bowden showed up looking for something new. Go have another snack. You are a good human being, but not perfect, and that's ok.

Also, take it under skeptical advisement what the Chiropractor told you—about your knee caps not supposed to be sitting on the outside of your legs like Wild West gun holsters. You may keep doing the exercises, but check with Dr. Art when you get home. He'll know whether or not your knee caps aren't really supposed to be sticking out like a truck's rear view mirrors. Also, have him explain why Chuckie had your knees poppin' like movie corn on Brady Mountain Road all summer.

Remind yourself again that today hasn't been a total waste. You did make this (real input filtered out) to help Paul keep track of all those Form Submittals for Easton Wheels.

UV10 on the ATTENDANCE RECORDS is from Washington State? Wonder who it is?

Yo, Frank Guarnuccio, you missed this.

01/28½/06

BIRD BRAIN: A little birdie has told us Humberto and his crew have been hanging out at his house grinding a Computrainer down to a pile of smoking pop-metal. Our little birdie seems to have too much time to himself traveling back and forth from the City.

Dangerous Dan is known to be among the Humberto crew, plus he has finally shown up at ARC, but got caught and was tracked the whole way. Probably the first time he's had someone on his wheel from 600 miles away. Not a bad ride.

Dan was rambling in and amongst Terry Bowden's own travels through the site. Just moments ago Dan hit the last page at 18:17:27 pm. He probably had e-mail about it before he shut down his browser.

Man, that SlingShot knows everything.

01/28/06

YESTERDAY: Yesterday was a red letter day, the first day since ATTENDANCE RECORDS have been kept that nobody (apparently human) showed up who could not be accounted for as either a known member or a returning UV. Therefore, Unknown Viewer did not receive a check mark for the first time ever.

Happily, Kevin Haley also did not show up, which means we didn't have to endure him crowing over the words of CaliperGirl in the CHATTER BOX.

01/27¾/06

ERRATA: Earlier today, American Road Cycling once again ascended to the top spot (from 2nd spot) for search returns at MSN. A better #1 return would be the site we just edged out, which is NORTH AMERICAN ELITE ROAD CYCLING. This seems to be an actual site, with actual information, as apposed to the little American Road Cycling dog and pony show of SlingShot's.

Until somebody contests it, we are placing a permanent link to NORTH AMERICAN ELITE ROAD CYCLING at the top of the home page, in order to help out anybody who shows up looking for real information. Ok?

01/27½/06

PICKING UP THE PACE: Sorry, couldn't be helped.

THE JOHNSON STIFFENS UP AND RESPONDS

01/27½/06

SLOWING THE PACE: The pace of additions to the American Road Cycling web site will be slowed down in the future, due to logs review showing that Kevin Haley apparently missed seeing CaliperGirl's comment about him on the CHATTER BOX, unless he is showing up under an IP# different from the one on file.

Which reminds us, we still haven't been able to track down Dangerous Dan's alternate IP#, or else he's been unseemly absent.

Plus nobody has offered a useful answer to that new young girl WDundee's question about women's boxing rounds, also on the CHATTER BOX.

American Road Cycling apologizes for any inconveniences the new slow down may cause, but if we cannot fuck with people with a greater degree of efficiency, action musts be taken now.

The above should in no way be confused with a change in policy toward a tacit approval of any mentioning of Kevin Haley .

While waiting for the latest news, American Road Cycling has provided CYCLING WORDS OF THE DAY below, plus this note to Hamas:

If you must continue your insistence on hitting soft targets, there are none softer than an electorate. Votes, not bombs. Do you get it now?

You could bomb malls till the cows come home, and still never shake up the world nearly so well.

- SlingShot

01/27/06

CYCLING WORDS OF THE DAY
(please read slowly)

Palms up supplicant begs the Master.

Master pronouncement palms down the table.

Upon your hands be gazing and meditate a fact. Accomplished each position rotates one direction only.

Relax the mind a crisper meditation.

Add surely brings together. One plus one another derives but merely two.

Lose not this thought as the level ever deepens.

Abstraction steals away. From artist's hand the face lacks much, still facely object shines. Stolen yes, not to detract, but lack lost most devine.

Be humbled.

Gaze fast upon the feet, yet squarely in between. Repeat these chants and gestures triply, triply lean.

adduction brings supination : abduction presses pronation

These truths are universal. Take one into your center, cast out the other at a toss.

- SlingShot
 

Editor's Note: American Road Cycling expresses regret the SlingShot inner process has spilt so flagrant flowing. However, now that you've completed the exercise above GO HERE.

01/26½/06

A MOMENT OF INATTENTION: Somebody went and lost their focus.

American Road Cycling has not yet received notice of Dangerous' IP# (though we do have a suspicion), but some lamer forgot what they are about and sent SlingShot e-mail.

Therefore, John (Johnson) Mitchell is now included in the ATTENDANCE RECORDS and retroactively credited for a prior arrival. See CHATTER BOX for some Johnson scat.

Editor's Note: The nom "Johnson" comes from the blues guitarist, not from John's member ship.

01/26/06

FROM: Dangerous Dan Sullivan
TO:
Nuclear Dan Buckley, Jim "The Assassin" Amels (The Orange Crush Poacher Boys), Joyce Amels, Don Stark, Clay Boone, Dr. John Handago, Bambi, etc.

URGENT (Video) MESSAGE

Urgent Editor's Note:  This link goes off-site. American Road Cycling assumes you have broad-band, plus your spyware and virus protection is ON.

01/25½/06

HIR UPDATE: American Road Cycling Human Intelligence Resources has just confirmed that Dangerous Dan Sullivan must be browsing the American Road Cycling web site only while at work. That explains why his ATTENDANCE RECORD has been so piss poor. He's flying under the radar.

American Road Cycling HIR (Human Intelligence Resources) is requesting that anybody who has received e-mail from Dangerous during daytime working hours should please forward the ugly headers to American Road Cycling for processing by our IP# extraction device—SlingShot.

Neither the person forwarding this information, nor American Road Cycling, nor its affiliates, acquaintances, or distant relatives will be breaking any privacy, confidentiality, and/or fiduciary trusts in so doing. We have been advised by our law weasels. Besides it ain't nothin' can't be done by an 8 year old in Bangladesh for about 30¢ a week, if we choose to outsource IT.

By ugly headers we do not mean this. And most certainly not this

01/25/06

UV10 NEW HUMAN CONFIRMED: Plus special graphic added to Kevin Haley's ATTENDANCE RECORDS.

01/24¾/06

CHUCKIE UPDATE

01/24½/06

BRIEF REPRIEVE: SlingShot decides not to shut everything down right away, due to his having finally figured out how to better format the CHATTER BOX.

As long as nobody mentions Kevin Haley everything should be ok.

01/24/06

SOME WEIRDER ASS SHIT: Ok, after you see this, you are all likely to believe that SlingShot can do anything, but truthfully, this is no joke. He's not making this up. Take a look at how somebody ended up on the Black Widow's web site yesterday morning:

Weirder Ass Search Results

As of 4:33 am this morning the results have already changed, but the return SlingShot saw (at around 3:33 am) looked like this. It was probably the final search engine pay-off from one of the linked terms used describing Dr. Art's Odyssey ride.

If this is how search engines work (and it is), Shot is seriously considering shutting down all his web sites as being far too much of a waste of time.

01/23/06

SOME WEIRD ASS SHIT: Chalk one up to the Unknown Viewer. This morning's review of the American Road Cycling web log file revealed one of the strangest ways anybody has ever arrived at the site. Somebody got here through an Altavista search for: american+cycling+ass.

Below is the full text of the referrer as reported in the log file, so you can copy/paste it into your browser's URL field and see what that person saw before they jumped to American Road Cycling. Apparently it was the NSA looking for SlingShot's Swiss bank account, but they got somebody else altogether, not to mention the wrong country.

American Road Cycling must respectfully ask for Kevin Haley to stop doing this sort of shit.

Copy/Paste the string below into your browser's URL field

http://se.altavista.com/web/results?itag=ody&q=american+cycling+ass&kgs=0&kls=0

BTW: The Unknown Viewer described above came back to the American Road Cycling web site again about three hours later, so SlingShot is beside himself trying to figure out what their story is. By the timing of their first arrival it must be somebody out of our time zone, because they got here in the wee Kevin Hetzel (Zirra) hours, so:

Dear Altavista Searcher,

If you return again, let us know who you are by submitting a brief note to CHATTER BOX using the CONTACT FORM. We are pretty sure you already understand this site is not actually a cycling association, but there are indeed cyclists here, and SlingShot would sure like to hear if all this makes any sense whatsoever to somebody who has stumbled upon it.

And excuse us for not being able to speak Danish. Ok? - SlingShot

01/22/06

IDENTITIES REVEALED: SlingShot informed the Saint Petersburg Bicycle Club of the videos taken yesterday, and soon thereafter a large number of downloads of the videos were noted. This morning another UV# appeared in the logs, looking at lots of pages.

It is assumed the video downloads went something like this, "What the hell is this shit? Oh, look...is that me in the video? Oh goodie, I'm in front! Let's see where everybody else is. Hmm, maybe I can learn something about that guy's ride. Well, let's take a look at me again."

Apparently there's a Grant Salter in every crowd. Remember: "I'm so beautiful! Used to do Bantam Weight Chippendales, don' cha know?"

American Road Cycling has not yet tracked down whether or not the the new UV'er is a known commodity or somebody from the Saint Petersburg Bicycle Club or merely a web bot, but did run across the fact that UV5 and UV6 are Anthony (Chuckie) Defeo, and Twin George.

Both have been credited with attendance accordingly.

01/21/06


TODAY'S HUMP

CLICK HERE FOR VIDEO #1
CLICK HERE FOR VIDEO #2
 
CLICK HERE FOR THE PLAY BY PLAY

01/20½/06

FOR GOD SAKES: For god sakes LYNN, look at this! [Thank you, FINALLY! 09:04:42 pm] Or admit to being one of the UV# readers and submit something to the Chatter Box using the other IP# from which you did LOOK AT THIS!

01/20/06

UNBELIEVABLE: SlingShot finally got up early enough this morning to check the web log files and update American Road Cycling ATTENDANCE RECORDS before Kevin Hetzel (Zirra) and Stinkature Silos came online to take a look. Unbelievable.

CROSSWORD PUZZLE ANSWERS remain a top link while American Road Cycling awaits the arrival of a certain luminary who apparently has not yet been made aware of the page. [Well, thank you to whomever called him in to take a look, but we're still leaving the Crossword link here for laggards. Otherwise, our luminary arrived at: 1:34:12 pm today. They landed on the home page, checked out the SPECIAL COUNTDOWN TIMER and four ROAD RASH COMICS (of which there hasn't been a new one since Dr. Art figured out how to use the CHATTER BOX. All things considered, there will now be absolutely no more talk of Kevin Haley. And that's final.]

Thanks to all those who responded so well to the Employee Reviews Follow-Up, even if we had to publish that Lynn Meyer had hit the DING! bell before she actually did it. Well, sometimes one has to know just which button to push in order to get the bell to ring.

01/19/06

CROSSWORD PUZZLE ANSWERS

01/18/06

FOLLOW-UP TO AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING MID-MONTH EMPLOYEE REVIEWS 

American Road Cycling recognizes that one of the awards was omitted from yesterday's listing. It is granted to several people, which list may expand accordingly:

Pavlovian Responders:  The American Road Cycling Pavlovian Responders Award goes to Lynn Meyer, Frank Guarnuccio, Kevin Hetzel (Zirra), UV5, Kevin Haley, and Dan (Palletman) McNeilly for being the first to check:

EMPLOYEE REVIEW AWARDS

DING!

01/17/06

AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING MID-MONTH EMPLOYEE REVIEWS 

American Road Cycling has reviewed employee performance; and, at mid-month, the following awards are in order:

Unmitigated Genius Award:  The American Road Cycling Unmitigated Genius Award goes to Lynn Meyer for figuring out that placing a period (.) in the MyPersonalSlingShot field allowed the previously malfunctioning QUERY FORM (now fixed) to submit to the CHATTER BOX as advertised.

Random Ass:  The American Road Cycling Random Ass Browsing Award goes to Frank Guarnuccio for hitting every page on the web site about a dozen times in a totally haphazard manner, first each morning, then around noon, then later in the evening.

Most Improved:  The American Road Cycling Most Improved Award goes to Paul Latrine. American Road Cycling calculates improvement as a percentage of change from "where you were" to "where you are now." Of course, Paul did not improve in the least, but since he started at very close to zero (0) worth, but nobody bothered to take the time to actually shoot him, it is a considerable improvement over what we had expected.

Most Wickedest Cover Up:  The American Road Cycling Most Wickedest Cover Up Award goes to Kevin Hetzel (Zirra) for trying to drive SlingShot batty by logging on using an IP# from Hawaii.

Longest Streak:  The American Road Cycling Longest Streak Award goes to Dr. (Artie) Art Donohue for being off his medication for a personal best long, long time. We extrapolated this situation through a careful review of the Artie Facts.

Nine Lives Curiosity:  The American Road Cycling Nine Lives Curiosity Award goes to Dan (Palletman) McNeilly for exhibiting a perfect inability to avoid wandering into every nook and cranny of the American Road Cycling web site. Palletman WAS in strong contention for the Random Ass Award in terms of shear volume of browsing, but he lost out due to a marginal logic that was obviously applied to his movements.

Most Thankful:  The American Road Cycling Most Thankful Award goes to SlingShot for being beside himself happy over the kind assistance everybody provided in helping him figure out what a "true human" does on the web site as apposed to the "bots" which constitute most of the traffic logged as arriving each day.

ALL WINNERS CLICK HERE FOR YOUR REWARD

 

01/17/06

THIS IS RICH: American Road Cycling's SlingShot is SO proud of himself. This is rich indeed!

SlingShot pulled out his tool for measuring, calculating, prognosticating, and procrastinating again and again, until he finally go it right. Read carefully the return for American Road Cycling (currently the 3rd paragraph down) after you search for American Road Cycling at: MSN.

Yes, it is true about Chuckie.

01/16/06

AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING MEMBER UPDATE:  Near the beginning of this year, Anthony (Chuckie) Defeo moved to Ithaca, NY in order to conduct stem cell research at Cornell University. However, soon afterwards he diverted his attentions to an Independent Study in metastatic squamous cell cancers. Generally, Ant'nee puts a lot of work into such things and Aces the program, but this time he just hopes to survive the course.

Click here for the e-mail that Tony sent SlingShot detailing the study.

01/14½/06

AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING CROSSWORD*
 

* Find the secret word! (Click here for answers.)
 

  A B C D E F G
1              
2              
3             S
4              
5              
6              
7              
8              


Down

G:3  Not a clincher. It's a ______________.
E:3
  When the West Point Army Team passes, you won't be beating them,
          so you may as well ______________.
D:3  Trying to break away from the Hump's front group,
          is just plain ______________.
C:3  What SlingShot's ride is on Ridgebury. ______________.
B:1  THE SECRET WORD

Across

B:5  The color of Jimmy Nails' stomach. ______________.
A:4
  Satan's first name. ______________.
B:3  Everybody not defined by A:2 ______________.
A:2  The fast riders on the Hump. ______________.
B:1  The toughest climbs are ________ categorie.
 

01/14/06

ARTIE FACTS
American Road Cycling's newest Section...the 8th one, we believe.

Feel free to take a look at the new ARTIE FACTS section. Paul Latrine is the most recent target, probably a "while the cat's away" scenario, since Paul is currently not in the compound while the bombing continues. Plus, the Kevin Haley pink belly is slightly abated.

01/13½/06

Terry Bowden added to: ATTENDANCE RECORDS tracking

01/13/06

BETTER THAN BETTER THAN ROAD RASH COMICS: This morning SlingShot awoke to find his work at American Road Cycling already complete, that is to say he didn't have to do a fucking thing.  Dr. (Artie) Art had posted another addition to the CHATTER BOX (1/12/2006 9:22:00 pm) which included all the best advice SlingShot himself could have offered...even though "Artie Art" Artie has so flagrantly violated the American Road Cycling prime directive.

Good thing SlingShot is in Florida, thus wearing his Depends®. Jump into your own pair and read  CHATTER BOX (1/12/2006 9:22:00 pm).

We are serious about this. READ the  CHATTER BOX (1/12/2006 9:22:00 pm)! No, not later...right now.

As an aside: On 01/10/06, American Road Cycling ran a headline using simply the word "Whatever." The day after that, the word showed up as "The Word" on the Colbert Report. Stephen, for God sakes, start writing your own material and stop wasting your time lurking around the American Road Cycling web site.

And Oprah, don't even think about it.

For the rest of you: The plan outlined above (just under $200 to OCBC) has finally reached maturation. Even though American Road Cycling is currently drafting in second place on this one of the major search engines, go do a search for American Road Cycling at MSN, then read the return. Hope you've kept on your Depends®.

Now American Road Cycling is going out for a ride. 78° and Sunny.

01/12½/06

RECONSIDERED: Earlier today American Road Cycling promised to take the recent Dr. (Artie) Art's most recent and special addition to the CHATTER BOX (1/11/2006 10:51:00 pm) and copy it to a web page for retrieving the correct paragraph formatting. During review of the situation, the decision was made to leave it stand and work on more pressing matters.

Therefore, we reconsidered the current black-out regarding all things Kevin Haley. The final rendering of the panel was to allow the prohibition to stand. Therefore, no mention of Kevin Haley will ever again be found on these pages. In fact use of the term Kevin Haley may itself constitute grounds for dismissal.

There is one exception allowed. When passing Kevin on Ridgebury you may query, "Hi Kevin Haley. That's a nice fork. How do you like it?" And good luck to you in doing so.

Otherwise the word 'Kevin' may not be used in conjunction with the equally abominable word 'Haley'. Furthermore, it is suggested neither the word 'Kevin' nor the word 'Haley' shall never even be used separately.

So, no more mentioning of Kevin Haley, Bastard or no.

Now American Road Cycling is going out for a ride. 78° and Sunny.

01/12/06

BETTER THAN ROAD RASH COMICS: This morning was like Christmas morning for SlingShot. He had a little run in with somebody's web form issue yesterday, and got so wasted trying to fix it he didn't even check the American Road Cycling logs before going to bed. When he woke up this morning there was this big Dr. "Artie" Art present under the tree. Ok, it's not quite ROAD RASH, but take a look at: CHATTER BOX, 1/11/2006 10:51:00 PM.

So, another Unknown Viewer has been accounted for, and we've got a new Dr. "Artie" Art IP#, which appears to be his home number.

Later today, we'll get the story out onto a page with the paragraph's restored, but American Road Cycling didn't want the early birds to miss it, so go check the CHATTER BOX.

01/11½/06

MIDDAY REPORT: Things are shaping up pretty good so far today. Paul arrived first, as always (7:34 am), followed 5 minutes later by Palletman, then at 9:00 (ta da) Kevin Haley steps in.

Kevin didn't look at the ATTENDANCE RECORDS so missed seeing his arrivals recorded there. He did look at the 2006 Old News, so maybe he saw something that he liked there. Just because he's showing up though, doesn't mean we have to start mentioning him again. Also, Paul looked only at the home page. He must be busy, finally. Palletman looked at the CHATTER BOX plus the ATTENDANCE RECORDS.

Finally, an Unknown Viewer arrived by way of a person's name search on Google.

Anybody with information regarding why these people have no lives should let American Road Cycling in on the secret.

01/11/06

CUTTING CLASS: It's too early (5:30 am) for anybody to have  ATTENDED AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING yet, but review of last night's finals showed that Frank and Lynn finally showed up. That gives American Road Cycling a near perfect attendance for the day.

Frank came on around 8ish and clicked on a number pages at random in order to fuck with SlingShot, but he's forgiven due to his submitting to the CHATTER BOX.

It also appears that somebody has hacked into the Chatter Box's My Personal SlingShot, because a reply appeared which is clearly too refined to have been provided by Frank himself.

Kevin Haley never did show up and is probably down in the school yard smoking, as drunk as Bode Miller. That's it. No more mentioning of Kevin Haley. This time we mean it.

01/10½/06

WHATEVER (continued): By Dinner time, 3 more Esteemed American Road Cycling Presidents (Luminaries, what others might call Members) have checked into the web site. Their arrival has been noted on the ATTENDANCE RECORDS.

Dangerous Dan Sullivan happened to be one of them. This is the first time he has shown up for class since records have been kept, so his name was added to the tracking table.

Also, somebody (an Unknown Viewer) was observed arriving by way of an MSN search for "The Bicycle Doctor," but they only landed on the events page and never made it to Rich's complimentary ad page. Changes were made to that page in order to help bring the next searcher directly onto the info payload.

Kevin Haley, Frank Guarnuccio, and Lynn Meyer still have not shown up today, but nobody really cares about Kevin.

01/10/06

WHATEVER: This morning somebody showed up at American Road Cycling via their Google search using the words:

DR HANDAGO GOSHEN NY

That brought them directly to the events page which mentions Shiftless. This person looked only at the events page page and was added to the ATTENDANCE RECORDS as the first Unknown Viewer of the day.

Maybe it was John himself confirming how famous he is on the Internet, or maybe it was a cyclist looking for bone repairs. Could have been anybody. It is a strange Internet out there, and we have know way of knowing who unless they submit a Chatter Box Input Form so's we can grab their IP#.

Otherwise, this early morning's American Road Cycling traffic consisted only of Paul working through his little problem with OCD by clicking on the home page. He probably also washed his hands about two dozen times and counted his steps to the bathroom for the one billionth time.

01/09/06

SLINGSHOT ADDS THE (SOON TO BE INFAMOUS) AL QAEDA ADDENDUMB TO:

the response to Zirra's Chatter Box entry.

01/07½/06

2:23:22 EST: Godzirra reads American Road Cycling's response to his Chatter Box entry, not that anybody's paying attention to his browsing habits.

01/07/06

ZIRRA FUCKS WITH AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING
|||||
THEN AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING FUCKS WITH ZIRRA

HEADLINE
NEWS

01/06/06

LUMINARIES ATTENDANCE RECORDS

HEADLINE
NEWS

01/05/06

HUSH HUSH

Grant has been secretly sneaking onto the Computrainer when Paul's not looking. Don't tell a soul.

HEADLINE
NEWS

01/04/06

LUMINARIES NOTED ARRIVED

American Road Cycling noted the following luminaries arriving at the American Road Cycling web site yesterday:

1) Frank Guarnuccio
2) Dan "Palletman" McNeilly
3) "Twin" Lynn Meyer
4) either one or all of: Paul/Grant/kid at
     Stinkature Silos
5) Kevin Hetzel (Zirra)

Most of them looked at the Special Countdown Timer (which has now been updated), plus a few took a look at the Chatter Box.

Several Unknown viewers were also noted. Probably Mary Ellen, and Nuclear Dan Buckley among them.

Kevin Haley did not show up, and will not be mentioned.

HEADLINE
NEWS

01/01/06

#1 NAME IN AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING

American Road Cycling begins the new year as the #1 name in American Road Cycling, this according to all the top search engines.

Current results for non-paid returns as of 01/01/06 7:30 am EST are:

Search Engine

Rank

Number of Returns

Google

#1

3,200,000
Yahoo

#1

3,950,000
MSN

#1

201,017
Altavista

#1

4,010,000
AskJeeves

#1

636,300

So, American Road Cycling and all its Presidents have officially kicked everybody else's ass. In case you missed it, this should finally prove to you that the Internet and everything on it is TOTAL NONSENSE. Otherwise...

Below are bike shops who were mentioned by THE #1 NAME IN AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING in 2005, so now in 2006:

Bicycle Doctor
Dark Horse Cycles
Joe Fix It's
Oakley Cycles
Stinkature Silos
 

Below are cycling related businesses who were mentioned by THE #1 NAME IN AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING in 2005, so now in 2006:

Dr. John Handago, Orthopedic Surgeon
Peak Performance Chiropractic
Straub's Fitness

Below are non-cycling businesses who were mentioned by THE #1 NAME IN AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING in 2005, so now in 2006:

Boone Wood-de-Signs
Endico Watercolor Originals
K&A Builders
McNeilly Wood Products
Van Natta Mechanical Corp.
 

Below are cycling organizations who were mentioned by THE #1 NAME IN AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING in 2005, so now in 2006:

Skylands Cycling
Unnamed Local Bike Club

Oh yeah, the results of the Tour d'American Road Cycling are finally in.

The Tour d'American Road Cycling is a stage race held over the course of one year.

It begins near Tampa in Florida on the first day of January, moves up the Eastern US seaboard to hold stages in New York, with major primes in Harriman State Park, and throughout Orange, Sullivan, Ulster, Dutchess, Putnam, and Rockland Counties (especially Central Valley), and High Point State Park, NJ during the summer. The Tour engages in e-mail conversations with people on the West Coast sometime during the year while mentioning both North and South America including Canada. Then it ends with a mad dash for the final bridge and parking lot back in Florida on December 31.

Yesterday, on the last bridge of the Tour d'American Road CyclingSlingShot took the 2005 title (after a full year of lying in wait and biding his time) by inching out The Black Widow on the last bridge of the last ride of the year, then touching the Ford F250 Finish Line Truck back in the parking lot—dead FIRST!

Afterwards the Black Widow commented, "What race?" and looked just like this.

2005's (non-Computrainer) mileage for The Black Widow was 6,145 miles, and for SlingShot it was 6,443 miles. That gives SlingShot an average of: 0.735502283105 mph for the year, which is pretty fast for him. The Black Widow's average is therefore slightly slower which makes her look  just like this.

Kevin Haley will not be mentioned in 2006.

HEADLINE
NEWS

2005
Hold Over

 12/28/05

Hold your horses! It ain't 2006 yet.

 Archives

2005: Old 's - American Road Cycling Archives

 


this page last updated:
02/01/2015 11:18:24 PM

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