Hi Dan : )
If you are not Dan Buckley please stop reading now. This is a private note
meant for Dan alone.
Ok, Dan, now that we've gotten rid of all other readers, I may question you
Are you aware that Godzilla
has committed to the
Farmlands Flat Tour Century? That means this year's big startup ride is
shaping up to look like it is going to be our easiest Century ever.
You don't really know Zirra very well, though you did meet him on the Tour de
Goshen in 2005, so let me explain.
I guess there is no delicate way to put this, so here is the plain and unadorned
Zirra is an ignorant idiotic nincompoop who can easily be manipulated due to his
general insufficiency and his specifically slow ass riding style. In summary, he
is an absolute and total loser, and because he is very much aware that his
horrid lack of ability is widely known, he has become an insufferably sickening
sycophant always willing to do everything possible to curry favor from his
betters, which is in this case undeniably us.
So here's our plan.
In the wee hours of that fateful day, as the lineup for the Century begins, we
will start with casual conversation, offer him one of the bagels provided by the
ride (as if we are giving him something), then go on to ply him with the coffee,
also provided by the ride, and eventually mention how the truly strong and
powerful riders always make their clear superiority known by pulling for an
entire Century, while beating their fellow riders soundly, and only, at the very
finish. We will mention how it is customary that if such events occur such as
SlingShot being on the verge of being dropped, the magnificent of those
among us always slow down just enough to assure SlingShot's ass is
available for its whacking at the finish.
We shall create several fictitious characters out of whole cloth and regale
Zirra with fabulous stories about them, and how they proved themselves so
decidedly in our eyes on earlier Centuries in the manner mentioned. While we are
at it, we may as well throw in a bullshit story about how Brand New Bruce
managed this right of passage only last year. Yes...I know Bruce is in fact a
unmitigated weakling and would not be able to fend for himself on any ride of
merit, but we may as well let him in on the rewards of our best laid plans, so
that he may himself avoid spending another year in such a pitiful state as last,
having no self confidence whatsoever and being unable to climb with even small
authority up any hill larger than ant infested, thus causing no end of
embarrassment to we who allow him to hang out at our rides while
pretending to be a rider himself.
I am sure we can count on Jim The Assassin to come up with a few helpful
stories of his own. And maybe this year we will be able to wheedle Shiftless
John Handago away from the ride he will have envisioned on the way down. If
Palletman shows up, well...he is a quick learner.
Now the thing is, Zirra puts up quite a draft, and he will be strong enough
(because we shall surely harass him from now until May to get off his fat ass
and onto his trainer), so that he will most certainly be unable to contain
himself and will pull us in fine fashion up to and almost over the final
line...which we will of course take for ourselves as a very gratifying prize. I
must add of course that you yourself will finish with your wheel just slightly
ahead of my own, for I would never take unfair advantage of you in the way that
numerous other riders have so heartlessly done in the past. Dan, you may
unerringly trust me on this, as always.
In any case, that is the plan. Do not mention a word to Zirra, for in so doing
you would surely fuck the plan beyond repair.
Your Humble Servant
Editor's Note: If one of you other
motherfuckers read this private note, even though you were
specifically asked not to, dare not a word to Zirra, and American
Road Cycling will allow you to come along for the ride. You must
but only refrain from placing your own wheel in front of Nuclear
Dan's at the very end, and promise to play nice, just like