strong language offends, please leave this site NOW.
SUBMITTAL FORM ERROR FIXED:
the INPUT FORM for
has been fixed.
American Road Cycling (SlingShot) apologizes for
any inconvenience caused by FORMS
refusing to submit appropriately. Also American Road Cycling is quite
sure everybody had a lot of ill will to spread that never got smeared around
and is sorry to have missed
out on it.
The Black Widow found the problem,
woke up SlingShot, and made him fix it.
THIS IS RICH:
While confirming American Road Cycling is still the top
(non-paid) return for all the major search engines, SlingShot
came across this.
Get ready to pee your
pants, and do a search for American Road Cycling at:
FORCED TO DONATE
$200 TO OCBC
This letter for Mr.
I no lika you Boob
Faggot, first you maka fun of my son the Bianchi now you say you no
lika my brownies. Maybe I comea to your house and kicka you ass.
Tullio lika the brownies. Gino lika the brownies. Even Fausto lika
the brownies. Everybody lika the brownies. Whats the matter for you
potts. I no see what
that nicea woman Mary see in you Boob Faggot. You tella that
nicea woman she can visit anytime for the espresso and brownies but
you nota welcome ina the house or I kicka you ass.
My son the Bianchi tell me you only kidding about the brownies, he
calla it trash talking. I think when I seea you in the spring
I kicka you ass and putta you in the trash. You tella your wife
Merry Christmas asa for you Boob, baci il mio asino italiano. See
you ina the spring.
Esteemed Mother of Esteemed President
of the other bike club and if you don't like
it I kicka you ass,
Mother of The Bianchi
[For all you students of
choreography, this American Road Cycling response ends with
SlingShot doing a little Church Lady Dance, shuffling
off into the distance toward
Turns out the left
over letter above (mentioned
below) comes from the matriarch, not the pasty-arse.
Cycling was thrown off briefly, until receiving the report that
only a single Italian phrase existed in the letter. At first we
thought the whole thing was in Italian and from Bianchi himself, so
sent it out to the translators.
But, speaking of that
Italian phrase. DING...the duck drops down with the magic word 'asino'
in its mouth, and Big Bianchi's mom wins $200. We are pretty sure
Big Mother wishes the money to be donated to OCBC, so American
Road Cycling is sending out the check today.
Really, this has
nothing to do with Tulio, Gino, and Fausto, nor SlingShot's
knee caps, nor the Big Mother telling us in a private meeting (while
stroking the side of her cheek with the back of her fingers) that we probably would like to do it
thus. It is just that the magic word was uttered.
Cycling picked 'asino' as the magic word assuming the chances of
somebody saying anything in Italian on this site would be next to
never, but well, anyway.
This "donation" is in
no way to be considered as a "SlingShot finally joins the
club" situation. He still adamantly refuses to do so but will
probably start showing up for all the rides illegitimately in order
to keep tabs on the American Road Cycling investment.
The matter of how the
money will be used by the club is of course totally out of our hands
(and not just because the Brownie Maker told us so), but
SlingShot does hope the money will be used to send the
Taliban off to some junior college where they can learn about
how words (such as
SPIN BITCH) can't hurt you but ignorance can.
He also hopes (pretty
fervently) that the donation will meet with Tulio, Gino, Fausto, the
Big, his mother and everybody else's approval. Not that any undo
pressure was applied in the strong arming.
Actually, little local
clubs need all the help they can get and shouldn't waste valuable
resources trying to pressure the likes of SlingShot into joining. They
should focus their energies on somebody worth the effort. SlingShot
"Oh, I don't know, maybe somebody like, I don't know, say, KEVIN
A clerical error as been
found which reveals an American Road Cycling omission
occurred just before our going on hiatus. An unnoticed submittal
from Esteemed American Road Cycling President & His Royal
Highness Grand High Falutin Poobah of a Local Bike Club, Rich
(Big Bianchi) Lawrence was found which explains the situation
regarding his Mother's Brownies.
passages exist that still require translation, so look for the pre
return-to-hiatus reporting that should appear on this page soon.
customary American Road Cycling Google search reveals that
American Road Cycling remains the top return on all the major
search engines, but no further mention has been made of Kevin Haley
anywhere on the Internet since the American Road Cycling
forms were shutdown.
That situation needs
repair, so tell all your friends a Kevin Haley update is coming
soon, otherwise see the 12/17/05
WINTER HIATUS notification below.
68°, sunny, 25+ miles
at 19.2 average, wherein the Black Widow had her butt handed to her
by a portly SlingShot owing to no hills being available for her foul
that's just the way it is in Florida.
American Road Cycling
has just finished its yearly backup of all files and is packing up
to go down to Florida for Spring Training. While on hiatus, the
American Road CyclingMembership
Form and Query Form have been
disabled to better serve the cycling community. [Note: The Query Form
was updated and reopened along with the Membership
Form on 12/21/05, when the clerical error was addressed
with a $200 American Road
Cycling donation to OCBC, just four days after this hiatus
notification. Same with the e-address mentioned next.] This will give
everybody a chance to catch up on their reading of the American Road
Cycling web site, which already has more stuff on it than
anybody really wants to read anyway. SlingShot's e-mail address
will also cease functioning. Though it will not obviously block
incoming e-mail, so as to best throw off the spammers, it will
merely become a bottomless pit from which replies will never
come. A black hole of wasted effort.
Happy Hiatus! And we
leave you with this:
QUOTE OF THE YEAR
- Fast Jimmy
- Twin George
- Kevin Haley
We can't quite remember
who said this, describing afterwards the ensuing events when Kevin, Fast Jimmy,
and George followed a car (who had dangerously cut off a Sunday
morning ride) into a church parking lot. We think it was Art, but maybe it was
or Twin George, or maybe it was Kevin Haley.
What's with all the
hostility here lately? Someone's been sippin' on the Hate-o-rade a
bit too much... can't we all just get along?
Also, as Foreign Correspondent, I'd like to post the following Fees
(Dumb looks are free, and given more than any of the above)
Esteemed American Road Cycling President &
American Road Cycling Foreign Correspondent as
Chief of Staff in the Dark Horse
(not that he works there, he just wanders in and buys cycling
doodads when business is good)
Cycling's first reaction was, "What hostility?"
Then one of the girls
from a branch office (cute little thing, not at all
like this), came up with the idea that maybe we should do a
survey before responding.
So we asked a few
Liz "Martha Stewart" Latrine's personal staff, and it turns out
there is in fact a lot of hostility. Most of it (that which doesn't
come directly from Liz herself) stems from the recent increase in
fees for so-called American Road Cycling ancillary services
such as Answers, Thought, and Correctness.
Well, you get what you
pay for, so if things such as ATC are important to you, just ask
Frank and pass the money along to the American Road Cycling Home
Office. We'll let Frank take a look at the treasure room once it
gets full enough for a good impression.
As for American
Road Cycling, we consider ATC to be demeaning, and insulting.
Especially the C part.
Actually, the first
reaction was probably the best, "What hostility?"
Esteemed American Road Cycling President
RE: Frankly Speaking
Thanks for clearing that up...carry on.
Esteemed American Road Cycling President &
American Road Cycling Foreign Correspondent as
Chief of Staff in the Dark Horse
Ai, Ai! Will do cap'n.
Though American Road Cycling does have a slight feeling that
you were no fun at all. You fell right over!
This guy eats
lightning and craps thunder. He resides deep in the bowels of Twin
Lynn's basement chained to a Computrainer.
Although he has the
IQ of a watermelon, that's still 10 points higher than yours. When
it's time for him to eat, we roll out a life size statue of you and
put his food next to it.
As far as he is
concerned you're just a big Rump roast, or come spring a Hump
roast. After he is finished with you, I'm going to stick a Big Gulp
in your hand and retire you to
7-Eleven display, since he's always looking for old relics. OOORAAH...
for the support
Mary, it seems you're the one with the common sense, you receive
extra brownie points.
Rich (Big Bianchi) Lawrence
Esteemed American Road Cycling President &
His Royal Highness Crown Prince of a Local Bike Club
Jeez! Isn't that just
typical. Give someone a little bit of a title and immediately they
think they are allowed to speak.
The Little Lance
training regimen does seem a bit over engineered; but, just in case,
I'll have to start leaving for the
47 minutes early, instead of my standard 45.
paragraph about the watermelon IQ is total bullshit! Well, the IQ
part is correct (if in fact Little Lance is as smart as you
say), but I'm sure your whole fucking club doesn't have enough money
to pay for a full "life size" statue of SlingShot. Since I'm
not paying my dues, no way there's enough in the slush fund to cover cost of materials for the ass cheeks alone!
Of course, I'll gladly
accept the Big Gulp, but you will be sorely disappointed to find
that all the relics
Dr. Art collects have some value attached to them. So forget
about the donation of the SlingShot carcass. But nice try...hoping to get your own likeness added to
ROAD RASH COMICS.
And you've already
been warned about those fucking brownies. Mary may be stupid enough
to join your little poker fest, but she sure knows better than to
put the saturated fat of one of those "40,000 calories of pure sugar
rush Bianchi's Mom's Brownies" into her mouth. She'll just feed it to
the Shot, just like she started feeding him everything else
in sight after she stopped being able to drop him on the big climbs
towards the middle of last summer. So please get one to her as soon
BTW: Does Little
Lance happen to have the world's best red hair, and was anything
left on the dinner plate? If so, make sure Little Lance never
hears about this web site (because it's not for kids), and pass the
- SlingShot Esteemed American Road Cycling President
After we held the
above headline at the top of the page all day, we received the
following from Liz:
Thanks for the
support.....Will you come visit me if they imprison me for 15
Esteemed American Road Cycling President
Guess some explanation
is in order here. For background you have to know something about
First off, she's the
Paul, which already calls her sanity into question. But the
reference to "Martha Stewart" goes further than the askance
reference to jail time. Actually, Liz makes Martha look like a
half-baked half-measure hack who just doesn't care. Liz is
significantly more compulsive, controlling, and prone to
micro-managing every single one of the fashionable little details of
her life, and all those around her, than The Martha could
ever hope to be.
For example, under
Liz's charge are 7 of the top 10 Exxon On the Run convenience
marts in the country. And we are pretty sure Exxon had to make up
the other 3 stores just so it would appear a modicum of competition
exists for the top spots.
Sounds stupid don't
it? Best of breed On the Run's?—until you walk into one of
Liz's and realize it's like going to Disney World. Really, if you
compare one of her stores to any of the others around here, you'll
know its true for fucking sure and won't need American Road
Cycling to convince you.
The Martha of
reference wouldn't even consider taking on such a task like those
Gots the Runs. She prefers to work with things that have a good
dose of cache wrapped around them already.
Throughout the rest of
the Latrine Mansion, Liz maintains tight control over a staff of a
dozen or so maids, hand maidens, gardeners, and domestiques, all
cleaning, primping and setting up the perfect environment in which
Queen Liz handily wields her iron will. At least that's what it
Security is outsourced
There is a moment
during most conversations where Liz gets to the place that we in the
know are always waiting anxiously for her to arrive. And we have
never been disappointed. It is that moment when she bolts straight
upright on her bony little stick legs and exclaims, "That's it! I'm
not budging on this!"
And she doesn't.
Hold all those
pictures in your head and introduce the little scene that happened
yesterday before the Criminal Court Judge in Lake Placid, and that
after the three hour drive needed to get in the correct position to
face the music.
Paul and Liz were in Lake Placid for the Iron Man in July, Liz
sideswiped another car...then RAN!
Well, technically she
didn't run, but she got out of her car, saw there was no damage, and
drove off. Got about a block before the cop, with witnesses, grabbed
her scrawny ass and set up a little meeting with the Judge.
You do the math. In
any given run-in with Liz and a Judge, who do you think is going to
have Right on their side? Who do you think is going to end up,
"...not budging on this!"
We did the math
ourselves and fully expected the maximum 15 day jail time and $250
dollar fine would be served, plus a shit load of Contempt of Court.
We envisioned something like, "Contemp of Court? Why I have nothing
BUT contempt for this moldy piece of shit court...including your
little asshole lawyer DA trying to prosecute me! Why, I NEVER!"
But it never happened.
Liz got off Scott fucking free, with an apology besides. Just like
The Martha did, more or less. Guess starved to the bone
Blonde Bitches get some pretty major percs in this little beauty
obsessed society of ours.
What a disappointment.
If Liz had actually done hard time, SlingShot would have been
glad to attend all her little soirees for the rest of forever, with
a smile on his face besides.
- American Road
Cycling Pool Reporter
As of 12/14/05, 2:46 PM, Dan (Palletman)
McNeilly became the sixth (6th) person ever to actually submit a
Membership Form to American Road Cycling. This after much
preparatory messaging. Plus he becomes the first ever to be
automated into full fledged "Presidency," which he was probably
hoping to avoid.
Dan is therefore
awarded 7 more full time memberships to pass out to his friends
(assuming he has any), and is now a Permanent President who
should be targeted by all complaints regarding American Road
It is now officially,
"ALL HIS FAULT!"
Esteemed American Road Cycling President
communication is in fact from Mr. Lawrence can you let him know that
any future nominations and/or seconding of nominations by him, of
me, to be president of ARC will be met with a move to elect him
"President for Life" of that other local bike club (I hear he's
doing a terrific job), but I'm trying to fall off this radar screen.
By the way, if you
know of anyone on the nominating committee that may be traveling in
the near future have them check their reservations. I have been told
that a nasty computer virus has been going around losing peoples
reservations. I wouldn't want to make them paranoid.
McNeilly Esteemed American Road Cycling President
Palletman'srequest American Road Cycling has
inspected the web logs and found the problem was not in the
misrepresentative tone of Bianchi's letter, but in its
astounding revelation that Rich can actually have a point of view.
But SlingShot has a way of putting opinions into the heads of
people who never had 'em before. Too bad Big hadn't developed that trait before he let that tiny club
of pokers sucker him into being the whipping post for the duration.
Along with our web log
review, it was also noted that the letter came in with a great gust
of wind that caused everyone to be pulled along in the manner they
are accustomed to at the wheel of Big, so that was a secondary
confirmation of authorship.
Road Cycling is taking the good advice of esteemed President
Palletman'ssuggestion and has been prompted to insist that
the little local club foist "Presidency Eternitas Ad Infintum"
onto Mr. Lawrence. His Seinfeld-character-like "Putty-tude" will
assure his inability to mount a successful challenge.
American Road Cycling has no control over would-be local
organizations, so called, but is taking action under its own aegis
internally to make
Palletmanan "Emeritus Esteemed American Road Cycling
President," with no chance of parole. This coincides with the
several instances recently of Mr. McNeilly
putting in his 2¢ and so acquiring several lifetime memberships.
We will also pass on
the information about the travel virus. When Lynn and Greg return,
we will let them know. Not that Lynn should in any way be implicated
in any of this nomination nonsense. She is not out to hurt anybody,
just stay in front of their wheel.
Plus we are sure she
had no hand in Bianchi writing us.
Otherwise, it is
pretty easy to fall off Bianchi's radar. Just pick up the pace to
around 12 mph on the next hill and remind him how he plans to stay
in his big chain ring for the next millennium.
Esteemed American Road Cycling President
Editor's Note: Too bad about
the pallet business being so fucking slow this time of year and
providing gobs of time for worthless diversion.
You had better
hurry up and get your sorry posterior
to Florida and start
riding because next year Little Lance will be looking for you and
all he needs is a can of Coke with a bag of potato chips to kick
your a- -.
Rich (Big Bianchi) Lawrence
Esteemed American Road Cycling President &
His Royal Highness Crown Prince of a Local Bike Club
Well this is sad indeed. Apparently
Bianchi is beside himself over his most recent election to Grand
Poobah status of
local bike club, and is trying to bail out already by asserting
his Presidency in American Road Cycling.
Black Widow tells us there is a note online about how Big
was elected unopposed. That is bullshit, because we are sure Rich
was himself opposed to the whole thing, but couldn't get out of it
without saying no.
At least the regime change has
provided the impetus for Big Bianchi to bring closer to fruition of
his sleeper cell groundwork by reminding American Road Cycling
of his presence within the ranks.
Otherwise, it is more likely his
current letter is merely an attempt to get in good with an
organization that has hundreds of Presidents, not just one singular
individual whom shit is to be thrown at on a daily basis, such as is
the procedural default of
Realizing the security threat posed by
having members of that defamed
local club breaching the borders of common sense to infiltrate
American Road Cycling, we can only beg all our own members to
counter attack by paying their dues and
signing up for the local club.
In fact, the
has gotten so excited about Rich Lawrence becoming the local club's
Prez, that she is herself going to join it this year. So Bianchi
better prepare himself by taking a look at:
Of course, SlingShot still
refuses to join because he says the
Taliban still owns that shit ass club news media. Ever see
mention of American Road Cycling in their Newsletter? Of
So please join up and help us put a
stop to their nonsense. We're pretty sure there's a few bucks in it
for you from Rich, if you will just help him get out of his current
predicament by electing some other poor schmuck next time around.
In order to clarify Bianchi's letter,
American Road Cycling is providing a brief elaboration of the
The last line, "...to kick your a--"
was obviously censored by the
Taliban before it was allowed to leave his desk.
What Rich (aka: Big Bianchi,
sometimes, Big Mig, for our purposes Ricky Retardo) probably meant
to say was, "...to kick you mother-fucking, cock-sucking,
dick-smoking, worthless, shit infested, slow ass'd titty tight
sphincter." But he was disallowed to speak freely. He'll get back in
the swing of things once they've worn him down and spit him out over
the next decade or two.
Also, who or what the hell is
"Little Lance"? Is that a new club member, or just what Bianchi
is calling his own little member these days?
Plus Palletmanwas unknown only because he was unknown, and he most certainly
never beat SlingShot. Maybe one time he finished the
ahead of him, but that was because SlingShot screwed up and
left less than 45 minutes early.
Although one may get ahead of
SlingShot (and stay there past the end) he is in fact
unbeatable—by his own admission.
In any case, Palletmanis no longer unknown, but proudly wears the mantle of esteemed
American Road Cycling President.
For cripes sake, Palletman
has never even beaten Kevin Haley, and beats
Chester Pete only when he shows up for a ride.
Esteemed American Road Cycling President
As noted, I was formerly a client of
Paul's. At this point the LOS has dropped to random name calling
and the occasional request for money and favors. So I am just a guy
Paul and gets bikes from
Since it seems that
Paul may or may not have been beaten by my alter ego
Zirra, I may even be in
the category of Friend?
Kevin Hetzel (Zirra) American Road Cycling, Esteemed President
& Cyclist at Large (very large)
Somebody remind me
to never again check my e-mail and web form submittals anywhere
near Dinner time on cold dark snowy early evenings in December.
Jeez, people. Get a Computrainer and get on it. I think
Paul sells 'em through
Grant and is giving friends a discount, if they promise not to
Paul is on the highest order when delivering his LOS, but as
the relationship grows commensurate with the number of bikes
purchased. The LOS goes down as the number of purchases go up.
Well, that explains it. We must be the best of friend's with
Paul, 'cause he won't even return our phone calls anymore. And
Grant scurries out of the room as soon as we show up looking
for esteemed American Road Cycling President, Godzilla.
Guess we'll just have to buy another Ottrott to get him move outa
town altogether. BTW:
Paul asked if we could see if
Dr. Art has $20 bucks he could borrow, or at least a new
ROAD RASH COMIC.
Too bad you didn't
think ahead a little, cause now Gerome ANYBODY has just been
elected esteemed President on your say so. And the degree to which
he is pissed off, has broken several American Road Cycling
number of languages you need to learn will be your decision based
on your own independent research. Please report back when you've
figured out how many dialects of patois Creole cycling yammerish
they are sputtering over on the other side of the County. We sure
ain't goin' over there to find out...too close to those OCC
Thanks for the
revealing photo of Zirra. Revealing because now I know who it
was that kicked my ass one day last summer. Well, here's the whole
I was approaching the top of Ridgebury when I noticed some big guy
who was literally snorting flames as he climbed. He was certainly
fierce, but Ridgebury was putting a hurting on him. Then I noticed
Paul was soft pedaling up ahead and waiting for the big guy. I
thought to myself, the big guy must be a friend of
scratch that...he must be a client of
Paul's, that's why
being nice. By this time, the Losers and I had passed them both by.
"Ha," I figured, "I won't see either one of them again today, that
big guy can't climb worth a damn."
And so, I didn't give them a second thought. Until the
point--somewhere along the hills in the Oil City area-- when
He caught us from behind and blasted through our pack, just like his
namesake blasts through entire blocks of office buildings. Nothing
could stop him. It was carnage. And just like the movie, Godzilla
never noticed the little people he was running over, making toe jam
out of them. He just kept on going.
Unless, of course, that wasn't him?
Twin Lynn Meyer
Esteemed President, American Road Cycling
Yep, that was him!
But you shouldn't have
mentioned that part about esteemed President,
Zirra being a client of esteemed President,
Paul always tries to hide that fact from all the poor bastards who are.
I know he does it, because
Paul confides in me, and I'm not one of
his clients. I have only 2 Ottrotts, and the
Black Widow only has
one Ottrott and an Hors Categorie, so we have totally avoided being
one of his clients. Plus we are sure that we are not his clients,
Paul told us we aren't—we are his friends. When
that, I got all warm and fuzzy inside, and started my plans to buy
another Ottrott, or Seven, or Guru, or whatever my friend is
In any case,
American Road Cycling will right your mal adroit faux pas by not
Zirra that he's a client of
Paul's. That should keep
the searing fire breath off Paul's butt for a little while longer.
Later last summer, the God-man himself spent some of his own time soft-pedaling for
Paul. [Didn't we all?]
on becoming an esteemed American Road Cycling President.
Plus you also shouldn't be
calling the Single A's "losers." That's esteemed President,
SlingShot's job. At least until he beats them.
Apologies to Kevin Haley for our use of the term BASTARD above, so
fully out of Kevin Haley context. It just seemed to fit. In the
future we will make sure the term BASTARD never refers to anything
or anybody but Kevin Haley.
Except that ice cream
doesn't make us want to puke.
President, Twin Lynn reported excitement to find out who American
Road Cycling has been abuzz about on notice of the last Zirra
photo, then she was disappointed on seeing
but now she'll get to see
Editor's Note: Excuse us while we mention esteemed President,
and esteemed President, Kevin Haley, else they'll lose
To the American
Road Cycling muckity muck who nominated me, "Prepare for
retribution.....this could be a long winter."
Dan (Palletman) McNeilly
President, American Road Cycling
esteemed President, Dan McNeilly, has finally caught on. Although we
would like to help him track down the source of his appointment, so
he may mete out the appropriate punishment, American Road
Cycling still refuses to divulge unnamed sources. However, we
might suggest Palletman could start out on esteemed President, Lynn
Meyer, just for practice.
esteemed President, SlingShot would truly enjoy witnessing
any retributive action against Twin, whether she's the actual rat or
not. We hear she may be available over the winter months in one or
more spin classes.
Twin George would probably second that idea, were he in his right
mind and available for comment. He spent most of his childhood on
the receiving end of Lynn's shenanigans which probably came pretty
close to looking like what
George finally caught on camera coming from the Black Widow,
except younger and uglier.
In fact, a large
number of our other esteemed Presidents are likely to be in total
agreement. Most of them are equally upset at having been named
President, and Lynn's as good a place as any to start tossing out
Dan (Palletman) McNeilly
President, American Road Cycling
Actually it worked
perfectly. Just not the way you thought. As the now legendary Randy
Dakan (&R) was once overheard telling somebody at the top of Sunrise
Mountain who whined, "When will I get a nom?" Randy replied, "Don't
worry. You'll get one eventually. You just won't like it when you
- THE PRESIDENT
IS DEAD, LONG LIVE THE PRESIDENT -
As an avid fan of American Road Cycling I feel that I am just a
domestique to the likes of
Zirra, Dangerous Dan, Twin George, Twin Lynn,
Dr. Art, Iron Mike
[sic], Kevin Haley,
Straub and the
Mayor of Wussville
et al. While honored by the nomination to be President of ARC
I cannot hold a wheel to the above cast of characters. I therefore
respectfully (notice I started off with Mr. Slingshot) request
that a more qualified individual be nominated for such a
prestigious position as presidency of American Road Cycling.
It is not my
time. Please realize that I will continue to promote American Road
Cycling to keep it Number 1 on the Internet.
In his letter above Palletman has made a fatal error in that he mentioned
numerous people by name, nom, or title. Therefore retribution must
follow. He is forthwith elected President. No ifs, ands, or buts, redos, take backsies, or mea culpas. He's the man. His term in
Office shall last while SlingShot says it lasts.
Of course, he need
not have mentioned that he cannot hold a wheel to those
he mentioned...that is a given. Even they cannot hold a wheel to
those who were mentioned. Except maybe Kevin Haley might hold
Straub's wheel, just long enough to give him his regular post
castigation and cycling lesson.
So the Palletman has
been charged and found particularly suited to the position of
President, first and foremost because he is not currently a member
of American Road Cycling.
Check the list, there are about 727 people on it who are not
even themselves members, and Palletman isn't even on that list.
Plus he made use of
the term 'et al' which may only be used by regular contributors
who are lazy assholes trying to avoid typing stuff out.
But probably most
egregious was his statement that he would work to keep American
Road Cycling "Number 1 on the Internet." We can't have
that kind of shit going on here.
If McNeilly felt
like a domestique before, just wait and see what he feels
after 4 years of this crap.
Since we are on the
subject, we may as well conclude the rest of the elections. Here's
the line-up of new officers:
Dangerous has found a document
of historical significance. American Road Cycling is merely
awaiting his tendering of the original URL so we can post a link.
American Road Cycling never steals anything without tossing a
morsel to the source from which it was stolen. Just because the word
"American" is in our name, doesn't mean we think everything in the
world is ours as you might expect.
ELECTION PROGRESS REPORT:
American Road Cycling elections
are coming up, and an unnamed American Road Cycling big-wig muckity-muck
has nominated Dan (Palletman) McNeilly for President.
Since nobody knows him, he is pretty certain to be
a shoo in for the spot.
Nominations are made by unnamed sources only,
that due to the fact that nominating somebody for a position at American Road
Cycling places the person doing so in a very precarious position. People
have been known to kick the shit out of whoever has merely mentioned their name
in an open meeting. Therefore, American Road Cycling will not divulge who
pointed out McNeilly to us, because Lynn Meyer would quickly have her little-bootie ankle-deep
up SlingShot's lycra. Besides she wasn't even sure of the spelling of his
Otherwise, all appointments will be made by
SlingShot, based on whoever has pissed him off the most this year, so no
further nominating will be necessary.
Kevin Haley will probably become everything, to every man. Women are on
If Dan McNeilly wins, American Road Cycling
will have the
Black Widow drop back with the slow riders and try to figure
out who he is. Then we'll have her drop back further still and tell SlingShot.
The "Rump" (backwards
has been cancelled until further notice.
Notice of resumption must be published in an
approved format. Anybody showing up for the "Rump" will constitute a
fully approved, acceptable, and appropriate form of notification. The
is probably also functioning under the same guidelines, but it is too cold for
us to go out and find out.
In any case, many others did realize immediately
that Mary's push-up was in fact one handed, even though unhappily, the blue
rectangle covered that point, and not much else really.
- FAN MAIL FROM TWIN -
Well, I'd rather be on Santa's shit list than
- Twin Lynn Meyer
Idiot's Note: Twin probably has SlingShot confused with the
Black Widow...not that SlingShot needs any help from
the Widow to cause confusion. See:
PAGING MARY ELLEN below, to find
out why one would rather not be confused with anybody on the Widow's list...Christmas
caroling or no.
Welcome to the last month of the year. American
Road Cycling, which is to say this web site and all Fugett and Friends
nonsense, is currently the top return for the phrase American Road Cycling
(considering non-sponsored ads) at:
askjeeves. That's pretty
much all the major search engines.
Just a few more weeks, and we can announce that
American Road Cycling finished out the year as the TOP NAME in American
Some thoughts were bandied about that we should
probably try to cash in on it, but when asked for comment SlingShot
merely said, "I only did it to prove to myself once again that I could. The
ride's the thing. This other stuff is meaningless. It is what it is, and I am
that I am."
Then he went out and hijacked the
Black Widow's ride, and they both posted
personal bests for the year. Big deal.
Dangerous Dan Sullivan has suggested a name change
for the American Road Cycling insurgency splinter group, previously
reported here as Sucky Cyclists Are Us (SCAU), which is to now be called Sucky
Cyclists 'R Us (SCRU).
Therefore, the proper pronunciation has cum to be
"ess-screw," or quite possibly "eh...screw-u," or even just "screw."
was demoted out of the SCRU cadre into an even lowlier, as yet unnamed,
resistance movement ever since and due to
Godzirra (Kevin Hetzel)
giving him so much pain on Monday's ride.
He would have enjoyed the upgrade from being
called merely Garage Boy to now SCRU Paul. Of course, that would make things
a lot simpler for him as it is phonetically precisely how his name is generally
Editor's Note: Although this is termed a
"name change," American Road Cycling pretty much assumes it was
really a case in which the
Black Widow got the name wrong during the original
spate of Dangerous Dan phone tag.
Kevin Haley was not mentioned.
Latrine TACTICS REVEALED
To list Paul's tactics as gleaned from
1. Inane questioning to determine heart rate.
2. Pushing pace early to see if you will stick or quit.
3. Conversations used to lull your opponent into getting dropped.
4. Local history lessons to distract from attempted dropping. (e.g., "That
corn bin is why we call this
Silence of the Lambs...")
5. Running a compact chain-ring so he can stay in the big ring and tell
opponent, "Hey I'm still swinging the big stick..."
6. Spending less than .000003% of the ride actually pulling.
7. Going way too deep into the well just so as not to get beat by the fat guy
goin' up "Heart
8. Calling for extra cautious proceeding at cattle crossings just to get a
9. Saying out loud that we should always walk our bikes at cross walks, so he
can get his HR back under 170.
Editor's Note:American Road Cycling
is also sure you will have more to add.
Paul's full list of tricks would fill volumes. However, the
little subterfuge of the compressed chain-ring is considered a State's Secret
that American Road Cycling has been aware of for some time, but will
never publish. On the other hand, we are sure Mr. Latrine will be appreciative
that you gave him much more credit for pulling than he deserves.
BTW: Use the
online form. Don't send this stuff via e-mail. SlingShot is tired of
spending half his morning deleting all the offers for big dildo's and easy money
that invariably follow in on the tails of all regular e-mail coming from Web fixated ne'r do wells.
THE DAN SULLIVAN FACTOR:
After hearing the result's of today's ride with
Godzilla, Dan Sullivan proposes (successfully) that Paul shall henceforth be
downgraded from SCAU (Sucky Cyclists Are Us) to a new more lowly
designation, which is yet to be named. Dan feels SlingShot is fully
qualified to assume all of Paul's former responsibilities at SCAU. This
assures the status quo at SCAU will remain untouched, which is to say
there will continue to be two members, now Dan and SlingShot.
SPECIAL LATE SEASON RIDE: Silence of
the Lambs, 2:00 pm today, from
Paul's. Kevin Haley is specifically requested NOT to be there
ICICLES below for why), otherwise his
ass will be kicked without prejudice. It is rumored
Zirra may make an appearance. It is certain that Paul will be vewwy, vewwy
qwvuiet, and slow.
Then immediately on publishing the above notice,
we received this:
Hey guys looks like we are on for today around
I would like to pass on that Paul stated we is in no shape for any hard riding
and would like to take it easy-"there will be no attacking or sprints just a
nice easy ride"-- So I am thinking this is our chance to punish our fair leader
of the climb.
I told Paul that there is no way that I would kick a man while he was down or be
so opportunistic to use this chance to get a cheap win.
Everyone knows American Road Cycling
maintains a strict policy of never revealing a source, plus never ever kissing
and telling. So we are publishing the above note without mentioning
Zirra's name as the perpetrator. Otherwise we would have to also use his
full name, which is
As an aside, SlingShot just went out for
his walk and saw a cyclist hammering around the corner at the Seligman's old
place. Since SlingShot's beaming smile and cheery wave was greeted by a void of
silence, not even a glance, the cyclist is assumed to have been
Pete was working hard, but he wasn't moving very
fast. Hopefully for him, he won't wander onto the
the Lambs later today.
We may as well mention Kevin Haley again.
ICICLES (alt: Stalag-tights)
FYI. Due to several complaints of frozen testicles last Saturday. The start of
the hump was pushed back to 10AM for the winter months. So you don't have to
leave until 9:30. Unless you're going to wussie out by going to Florida. Meow!!
American Road Cycling Response:
First off, we do not really believe this form
submittal came from Kevin, because Mr. Haley is far too big-time to waste his
energies on American Road Cycling nonsense.
However, since the asshole
who wrote did such a good job of pretending to be that insufferable fuck face
Kevin, the missive will be answered just as if it were him.
SlingShot takes considerable offense at Mr.
Haley's implication that he must always leave a half hour early for the
It is a well known fact that the half hour offset is done only on days
SlingShot is charged with completing Official American Road Cycling
Business. Otherwise, he leaves 45 minutes early, usually going backwards
doing the Rump instead. Of course, he will not be
doing either of these things now that Kevin has pissed him off, but he will
instead be leaving for FL as soon as possible...just as soon as he gets the ok
The Mayor of Wussville, Paul Latrine.
The Black Widowwishes to add, "Fuck the cold. I got no
testicles to freeze. Let me at 'em! Meow, FPssss!"
Guess I need not remember to mention Kevin Haley
this time around.
THANKSGIVING: American Road Cycling is
inviting everybody to meet at
Paul's. If we have to be there, you have to be there. Liz is
deep-frying turkeys, and everybody gets three sticks of butter as
hors d'oeuvres. She says it is all part of her Ass-Cans diet
that she's been feeding Paul.
In order to avoid embarrassment by overeating
yourself into a massive social faux pas, please stop at Got's the
Runs on the way over and have a quart of ice cream.
NEEDER, NEEDER, NEEDER
Everybody try this.
for American Road Cycling, no quotes, and click through just to screw with Kevin Haley
Grant Salter. Quotes were easy, so no
quotes for American Road Cycling. Actually, the italics are
not needed either, so just search for American Road Cycling. Then tell all your friends
about it, and about American Road Cycling.
As an aside, a few days ago
SlingShot ran into Frank Guarnuccio at
Frank mentioned that he is a good friend of George at
Cycles. Any friend of Frank's is a friend of American Road
Cycling, so here's a complimentary link to
Cycles. In fact all links at American Road Cycling are
complimentary, but you've got to know someone to get one. Of course,
Black Widow does enforce a pretty severe penalty on
SlingShot if he forgets to include her, but that's a whole 'nother
- American Road Cycling
proudly presents -
FAST JIMMY'S HUMP CORNER
24° - Fast Jimmy (to
Nuclear Dan and the
Black Widow as they were about to leave the parking lot 1/2
hour early): "We are on to you guys, you know. You can wait
and go out
with us if you want," meaning the AA's.
The Black Widow clipping in: "No
thanks. That's ok."
As the Black and Nuclear hastily leave
the parking lot, Mary totally ignores Twin George. Once out on
Pumpkin Swamp she asks Dan, "Who was that cute guy talking to
"That was Twin George you
dim-witted twit! Jeez."
And the AA's did go slow, for they
never caught the cheaters. However, the easy Dangerous Dan pace
still proved a tad too tidy for
Mayor of Wussville, because he never even showed up for the ride—despite
a personal invite, "My widdle weggies huht, and i's co'd owside."
Kevin Bastard Haley was
observed to be on the ride.
I JUST CAN'T WIN
(Member Mail received re: ELECTION RESULTS below):
My Dearest Robert,
Once again I have noticed inaccuracy creeping into your reporting.
Paul is the Mayor of Wussville, not Upper-Wussville. That is like
Saddle River and Upper Saddle River. Saddle River is where the rich
are from, while Upper Saddle River is where the nouveau riche are
from. Paul is a Wussy from Wussville, not a nouveau Wussey from
I only ask that you strive for accuracy when doing
political coverage. After all, this is a cycling web site not some
Planning Board. - Dan Sullivan
Editors Note: Apologies for the American
Road Cycling reporting style. It derives from the large amount
of time SlingShot spent with reporters from the Times
Herald Record in the aftermath of his resigning from the Town
of Chester Planning Board.
He was begging for somebody to do some actual
reporting on the incredible level of graft, corruption, and criminal
enterprise that the Town of Chester had become. Of course,
The Times Herald was more or less the same organization that it
remains today. You will recall they recently reported Joe Matta was
hit by a truck while riding a motorcycle in the local club's
big bicycle ride.
In any case, SlingShot's last duty as an 8
year Member of the Planning Board was to spend 2 hours 45 minutes
with the FBI handing over information he had assembled and pleading
them to do something about the situation in Chester.
But that was before 9/11, and at a time when the word
hawalah had not been heard by SlingShot, nor anyone he
associated with. The astounding amounts of money that were
apparently changing hands with no record of the transactions, could
not be accounted for. The FBI's position seemed to be, "If we could
just find the smoking check..." They are still working on it, now in
Iraq or somewhere like that and with similar success, but they're
not saying exactly where.
In any case, the only things that SlingShot
learned beyond a reasonable doubt at the time (aside from the fact
that FBI field agents are really the nicest sorts, and nothing like their movie
counterparts) were: Noel Spencer (now County legislator) is certainly a
lying sack of shit (and probably a racist), Cindy Smith (still Town
Board Member) is a distracted clock watcher, Bill Tully (still Town
Supervisor) is an imbecilic moron who has not a clue, nor nearly as
much as a word of say in the events around him. He couldn't even
institute the most basic of employee reviews at the Town Hall,
choosing instead to say, "You don't understand. That won't work
here. Everybody here knows each other."
The remaining sour souls who
were Town Board members at the time (and maybe still are) were all
functional illiterates who could not read simple English.
But all that is just another whole long story. It is
only marginally being reported here after the recent elections due
to the fact that reporting it before the elections would have had
the exact same effect, which is to say none, because the true
culprits identified way back when (and this surely remains true
today) is the general public who allows people they know absolutely
nothing about to stand in public halls and claim to be their
representatives. Of course, that's not everybody in Chester, because
significantly less than a quarter of the residents found it even
worth their time to bother to vote. SlingShot was in the
forefront of those NOT voting, having decided without question that the concept of governing bodies having any
relevance whatsoever is as quaint as the Geneva Conventions.
Under these circumstances, it is odd that Noel may be heard to call himself a
"winner," having bested his opponent by only 30 votes.
Otherwise, only two people exhibited any competence
at all way back at the time of SlingShot's resignation.
The first was the Town Engineer, Phil Salerno, who
was removed from office the very week after SlingShot had his
face to face with the FBI. He was removed not by the FBI but by the
DEC for his fudging of sewer district numbers. Ironically, he was
removed from his position as Town Engineer but was allowed to keep
his job as head of the Moodna Sewer District. Probably the DEC gave
him a break, because they were
mortified at having taken so long to realize what everyone else had
known for some time. The guy is an accomplished crook.
Soon after, when SlingShot was told, "things have changed
at the Town Hall," he reminded the person telling him that the
Engineer's actions had never been based on his authority, so
it was doubtful that taking away his authority was going have any
affect on his actions.
The only other competence shown was by Ben Ostrer,
Town Attorney, who had fully mastered the art of making absolutely certain
no competition in the least existed for his development business, which was
partnered with the Town Engineer and some of the Town Board Members.
He did it by assuring that a draconian conformance to the most
stringent interpretation of building codes was applied to all
outsiders (read: made it expensive), while not even a letter of the
law was applied to his own projects—which, by the way, were pretty
clearly subsidized by citizen tax dollars in addition to their hawalah
SlingShot has been told
by a reliable source that a document exists in the NYS Attorney
General's Office in which Benny states, "I am not now, nor ever have
been Town Attorney for the Town of Chester." Last heard, he has
also become Attorney for the Town of Warwick, which explains a lot of the stuff
one sees going on over there.
SlingShot would have more information about
all this, but Elizabeth Reilly the Town Clerk (who remains in office today, having
run as unopposed as Paul), made sure SlingShot
never received a single shred of paperwork (Freedom of
Information Act be damned) after his resignation...despite his
asking her three (3) times the moment before submitting his letter
of resignation, whether regular citizens were allowed the same
access to the documents as he was currently enjoying.
She said, "Yes, absolutely," but after his resignation SlingShot
was of course denied access to public documents just like all the
other schmuks in Town.
Actually, SlingShot made his final decision to
resign the moment the Town Clerk pulled him aside and whispered,
"You should be careful. Really, if your position on the Planning
Board is important to you, you should be careful about what you are
Of course, any sane individual would have had to
resign on the spot just as SlingShot did, so as to better continue doing what
needed to be done. Especially considering the number of people who had told
SlingShot they were scared for their physical well being, and
they had previously considered him one of those to be afraid of, since his name was
found on Town documents. Turns out SlingShot is scared too,
but he is suicidal, so it evens out.
For perspective, SlingShot still has 41
e-mails saved from discussions between himself and Chester Pete about
the events occurring round and about SlingShot's resignation
at the time it took place, and SlingShot remembers fondly his involvement
with Chester Pete as the high point of that period.
Scares you don't it? It should.
The political process does not require excellence of
its participants and
gets exactly what it asks for.
Editor's Second Note: SlingShot only
chose Upper-Wussville instead of Wussville because if
repeated many times over, and real slow, it begins to read: Up
Her Wuss ville. Sorry for reporting like the Times Herald
ELECTION RESULTS:Dangerous Dan Sullivan has pointed out an omission on the
American Road Cycling web site. Apparently, we forgot to post
the results of recent local elections. Dan reports that Paul Latrine
was elected Mayor of Upper-Wussville, Grant Salter is still Town Clerk,
Humberto Cavalheiro remains the First Citizen in charge of Signature
Security. Paul ran unopposed, and
nobody has contested any of the results. When pressed for comment,
Paul said, "Meeow?" [Ghost written by: Dangerous
Dan Sullivan, cub reporter and Super Haley's friend.]
NECK AND NECK:
Kevin "Bastard" Haley's car was seen neck and neck with "Twin" George Meyer's car in the Big V parking
lot at the end of this morning's
If I had my camera, it would have been an American Road Cycling photo finish.
NEW MEMBER:American Road Cycling is proud to announce the annexation of
Terry Bowden submitted his membership form along with comment.
That makes four people who have now actually gone out of their way
to join online, as appoesed to those whom SlingShot has pasted
into the database himself, after taking their names out of the local
phone book unbeknownst to them. Which holds some irony, because this
site is on the verge of being shut down out of necessity due to the
incredible number of hits it has been getting.
AGENT'S COVER BLOWN:
Book delivered by
Grant Salter! Internal investigation as to who leaked
this information is currently ongoing. Oh, that's right. It was
SlingShot again. Never mind.
Came in 1st in age group on Sundays Race.
A man of few words, but you can tell he's excited,
because he didn't even take the time to sign off with his standard,
However, even though Dan worked on this little
endeavor for the last few months/years, Slingshot is taking all
the credit for so judiciously slowing down the pace on Saturday's
Rump and keeping blinders on Dan when motorcycles, sports cars, etc
went past. [see: RACE CARD below]
Good thing Dan made his mark. In a few more years
he'll be old enough to ride with the retirees, read: full time
THIS LITTLE RIDE OF OURS:
What with all the CRACK pandering, omerta
has apparently been breached. Let's all get our little rubber
duckies out, because the blood bath is about to be run.
To get up to speed before the Kill Bill style blood geysers
erupt all over the place, see 10/30/05
CRACK HABIT REVEALED,
then 11/05/05 CRACK HABIT
What's that you were saying Dangerous? Oh
yeah, Kevin Haley will probably want to get up to speed faster than the
rest of us. Alternatively, he may apply for the American Road
Cycling witness protection program. Of course an application to
enter is automatic grounds for denial.
There, that cleanses American Road Cycling's
hands of the matter. Pass me another mattress.
BOOTY AND THE CUTIE:
Before this morning's
Jim Amels cooked us up a bunch of pancakes and such at a youth group
fund raiser in Goshen. The best part was getting to meet Keith
Libutti's girlfriend, whom we have become over tired of hearing
about how, "She's so cool. She's just so cool...squeal, giggle."
Now that we've all met her, maybe Keith will give us a break and
turn off the constant chatter about how cool she is. Here's the odd
thing. Turns out she is cool.
RACE CARD: Nuclear Dan Buckley
is racing tomorrow, so some of us did the Rump to make sure he
didn't get triggered and blow all his cookies (pancakes) before the
big race. Of course, it wasn't long before the race card was played.
"Slow down. Don't forget tomorrow is race day." Ironically
(or not), it wasn't Dan who played the card but SlingShot who
kept getting in front on the hills and slowing everybody down under
the pretense of "helping out Dan."
CRACK HABIT DENIED:
Dangerous Dan Sullivan is publishing a full denial of
what was reported last week on this web site about his crack habit.
[see: 10/30/05, CRACK HABIT REVEALED, on the
Dan says he did not crack on last week's
He denies it, calls us on it, and raises us a
COMMONS CRACK. He says that last Sunday
Paul and Liz went to the Commons, and the traffic was so bad
that Paul cracked, left his car in the parking lot, and walked to
the filling station to call Humberto to come pick them up.
Apparently Jen did just that.
This was reported to Jimmy Nails and Mary Ellen, who
told Kevin, who told Dan, who got back to me with it. Guess this is
full circle considering how the Crack Habit rumor itself got passed around
like a joint.
When Dan got back to Paul about his Common's
Crack, Paul said, "I did not crack. That is not a crack." To
which Dan responded, "Just the mere going to the Commons on a
Sunday is a crack."
We report, you decide. American Road Cycling
refuses to get involved in Paul's shenanigans.
Look what Don Stark got to replace his SUV mangled
Colnago. He's had that look on his face ever since the big wreck.
After Don showed us the frame, we ran into Terry Bowden just outside our door. We
didn't know him then, but we had him pick up the frame. He said it was
light, that Seven makes great bikes, and he'd just been on a bike
ride himself. I asked, "Hump?"He said, "Yes!" I said, "You wouldn't happen to be the
guy we saw way out in front of Lynn's group at the cross roads
before the camel farm?" He replied, "Yep, that was me."
Small bike world.
Oh yeah. I almost forgot. Kevin Haley wasn't at the
Straub was seen out in front of the front group pulling them
again. Then Scott was most definitely first back into the parking
lot. Fast Jimmy claimed he had himself done the whole ride
pretending to be with the front group, while in fact he had spent
most of the ride cramped and in dire straights.
Well Jimmy, there's not enough pretense in the
world to keep most of us with the front group...under any
circumstances. The actual finishing with the front group, cannot in
all honesty be called "pretending" to be with the front group. Just
ask SlingShot, he'll be able to tell you what real pretending
is all about. First off, you have to start at least a half hour
before the front group leaves the parking lot, then make a quick
little attack the moment they catch you a little over a half hour
later. Then you have to drop right off the back and be done with it.
In any case, riding the full ride with the front
group is not really pretending. We don't care how much riding you
haven't been doing.
This just in.
Nuclear Dan Buckley finished 6th in his
age group for the Mt. Man race 10/30/05. Of course, that's not near
good enough for him, but we are all pretty impressed.
Woke up this morning, checked in at
Voilá! Page 1, no quotes. Big
coup for American Road Cycling, though we don't much care.
Except...how many of you people have ever done this? Now I think
I'll let it drop back to around page 25. That way I don't have to
keep trying to think of every possible excuse to put the phrase
American Road Cycling on the home page—but may instead refocus
on how many times I can mention Kevin Haley.
CRACK HABIT REVEALED: American Road Cycling has just learned from an
anonymous source (Kevin Haley through Jimmy and Mary Ellen to
Paul) that Dangerous Dan has a crack
It was revealed as he cracked big-time again on yesterday's
Hump. American Road Cycling is
sorry to hear about it, but glad for the opportunity to put the term
American Road Cycling on the Home Page a couple more times.
We have now risen (again) to the middle of page three for
Google returns with no quotes
for American Road Cycling, not that we care. Except it pisses
off those who hate us.
One of the terms for putting all these
American Road Cycling instances on the home page is
meta-jacking. It doesn't always work, and shouldn't ever work.
However, if a real human at
Google ever happens to take a look here, they'll know this ain't
bullshit and let it go.
Of course, if you put quotes around your search, we
are at the tippity top as it should be. The secret there is that
nobody else in the world cares enough about American Road Cycling
to even put the phrase just once anywhere on a web site.
KEVIN HALEY WINS AGAIN: American Road Cycling is proud to present this little video snippet of Kevin Haley winning
once again in his very own and particularly inimitable Kevin Haley
style. We have all seen Kevin practicing this move many
times over. It appears the person he beats is not so thoroughly
This video comes by way of
Dr. Art, who received it as
a non-credited e-mail attachment, so any leads to the source
would allow American Road Cycling to complete passing back
wherever payment is due for the usage. In any case,
We can only assume the video shows Kevin Haley
beating Chester Pete, though it is a little hard to see if this is
at the end of the Hump or just on the Heritage Trail. Plus the crowd
noise may have masked CP's customary, "Oh, Fuck Me!"
In any case, that's four point five mentionings of Kevin Haley
(now 5.5) plus the video, so this should be (all tolled) more than enough to
please him. But just in case: KEVIN HALEY.
And never mind about helping track down the source of the
video. SlingShot is a genius and quickly found it. Therefore,
a link to the original publication is now provided, as apposed to
that brief moment when
American Road Cycling had to rip-off the file to post it.
BLAST: This comes from an anonymous source,
because Hernando told me not to mention his name, but we were just
having a conversation with an undisclosed person about the sad state
of affairs regarding how slow
Paul has become lately. This unnamed person said, "Well, it
sure ain't like it was when Paul was leader of the CompuNerds and
started bringing every vagabond in Middletown to club rides!"
There. I did that without even mentioning Hernando as
the source. I am proud of myself.
TURN BACK TIDE: Looks like the tide is already
BEST USE. [see below,
USE IT OR LOSE IT just
I am attempting to be
Paul's first Guru sale, so I will be
making my way up there at least 1 more, maybe 2 more times this
season. When do you guys go to FLA, and how late in the fall/winter
do you ride?
PS: Custom Guru Chrono for Iron Man in Florida and local TT circuit
will be the new ride.
Editor's Note: Like Colin Powell said
when asked when the bombing in Iraq would stop and the ground war
begin (Gulf War I), "The bombing stop? The bombing never stops."
So Kevin, the riding never stops, especially if
Zirra's coming up. However, we will be leaving for FLA sometime
around the New Year and are taking the ride down there with us.
BTW: I just saw another pick-up truck littered
with American flags and sayings. It looked just like the American
Road Cycling site! In support of the guy's bumper sticker,
"PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN," American Road Cycling would like
to relay our whole hearted agreement. If he's listening: "We do in fact
totally agree that
you are proud to be an American. You've made it abundantly clear. We
are just not very sure how proud we are to have you as an American." -SlingShot
BACK IN THE HIGH LIFE AGAIN: American Road
Cycling is now once again back on the bottom of page three for
Google searches requesting American Road Cycling without
quotes. Maybe one more mention of American Road Cycling on
this page will finally put us back where we belong on page one for American
Road Cycling returns. Not that we care much, but not bad for
2,440,000 returns. Guess you like
American Road Cycling, you really, really...
Oh yeah, almost forgot. Kevin Haley.
USE IT OR LOSE IT: (this already in response
to BEST USE below)
I am very interested in the most recent news on your web site. [see:
BEST USE below] The
Coors Light Serotta patio lounger has awakened my hopes to the
possibility that I can get a Serotta HUFFY recliner, and/or love
seat for my living room. Can you please contact Paul, and ask him if
they're out there? I would volunteer my own Serotta for this
purpose, but as you know, I've already converted it into a wind
chime. You should have heard it when the remnants of Katrina blew
through here two weeks ago! Also, please ask him if Ottrot table
lamps are available. Artie
Editor's Note: Sorry, we have no way of
Paul and wouldn't do so, even if we
could...too fucking aggravating. But you can catch him yourself on a
ride. It is getting easier and easier to do.
BEST PRACTICES: SlingShot has intimated
that he will not be upgrading to the newest version of some of the
computer software he is using. He said, "Why should I upgrade?
The stuff I have is already not doing what it's supposed to. I doubt
the new version is going to be that much worse."
BEST USE: Really, nothing compares with
They are so useful. However, looks like
Paul has finally come to his senses and
will be taking on other lines. Of course, if Paul sells it, we are
going to be buying it...and vice a versa. Looks like Seven, Guru,
along with all the Velomax wheels
Paul and Grant
can get their handy little hands on, as they expand to take over
The Bike World has been wooing Paul like the only
skirt in town.
CLARIFICATION: regarding the 10/18/05
Dr. Art writes:
Although it is true I said, "I wish it was still
raining" ... this quote came later. Actually, as
Joe turned the screw a little tighter on
Pumpkin Swamp, up to say 30 miles per hour, I took a breath and in
my best non-suffering voice stated, "I see the elms are starting to
change their colors." Next, when Joe got up to 32.5, I said, to mask
my lactate threshold, "I wish there was a way to check my e-mails
right now, I haven't heard from Kevin Haley recently." [It's
actually been a couple of years.] Then Joe got up to 35 mph; and, in
a last desperate attempt to mask my now cramping hamstrings, I said,
"Is our average speed up to 17 yet?" It was at the now documented
speed of 38 that I went to ask Joe for a "light of my smoke" (with a
perfunctory chuckle) that I dropped off the pace and vomited on the
side of the road.
Just wanted to clarify,
Editor's Note:American Road Cycling
still prefers to state the speed as "40 mph," and does not consider
it an exaggeration to be doing so, because SlingShot himself
can easily maintain that pace. He just goes a lot slower while he's
For the tailwind coming home on Pumpkin Swamp that assured
Dr. Art (whom we now call "Artie" in deference to
"Chester Pete" who likes his own nom equally well) got not
Straub til Joe had topped 40 mph—and at the very moment Art
finally thought he was going to be hanging on. Art said, "I wish
it was still raining."
As usual, Kevin Haley will be glad we mentioned his name.
Drive By: American Road Cycling stopped
Stinkature Silos this morning to pick up a
couple books which Paul just finished pursuant to the American
Road Cycling study which is code named "Fit For Kings"
but is formally titled
Paul is currently working on his PhD (Doctor of Phitology), while
Grant has almost completed his BS (Bachelor of Schmoozence).
Paul was wondering why American Road Cycling
seemed in such a hurry to leave, forgetting that we never bother him
during a fitting.
American Road Cycling's position has always
been the same as
the time he asked Mary, "Where's SlingShot?" And was told,
"He went over to pick up my bike at Paul's. You can phone him
there." Artie's response, "Oh, I couldn't call there!
Paul's phone is like the Bat Phone." ...and it is.
But it turns out Kevin is a VIP (more like family),
so he gets the customary drop in level of service. He's at the point
where LoS becomes LOL. Therefore, nobody cared we got all
conversational and shit.
In any case two new titles have been added to the now
Grant was hiding
in Jimmy Nail's Cubby Hole tightening some
spokes on sumpn' er nother.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Kevin Haley always likes it
when we mention his name...but we ain't gonna do it!
Pete has been upgraded to Rider of the Month, because it's
- American Road Cycling Rider of the Week - Chester Pete, (thanks to a tip from Dr. "Artie"
- American Road Cycling Rider of the Week - Dr. "Artie" Art Donohue (thanks to a tip from Chester
Word Has It: At last
weeks big bicycle show in Las Vegas,
Paul and Grant were signing so many
autographs, Grant absent mindedly signed a hot-dog handed to him by
a vendor. Paul ate it anyway. American Road Cycling is just
glad this didn't take place in the men's room!
The Big Push at Washingtonville: Rich Cruet, The Bicycle
Doctorgave SlingShot a good long push on the
Brotherhood Winery tour, up the good long climb in Cornwall
after coming back down from West Point. Therefore, American Road
Cycling is awarding
Rich a special American Road Cycling Home Page link to
Oh, hell, why not, we'll give
another link, or
two. He deserves it.
SlingShot ain't light like a Trek, you know? Double hell, why
Taking the sprint was
Straub, after being helped along by Mountain Bike Mike
Maher, Kevin Haley (the once and current BASTARD), and Kevin
President of Skylands Cycling.
American Road Cycling strongly
suggests that each and every person on planet earth should
Dem guys is fast, and the real deal.
Very much NOT like your little American Road Cycling charade.
However, you should have seen
Mountain Bike Mike's face as he was pulling the breakaway up
Iron Mike's Hill, and the jet lagged
Paul Latrine pushed SlingShot past them.
The secret was Paul, SlingShot,
Black Widow leaving the parking lot a good 45 minutes early.
Still, you should have seen Mike's face. Of course, Bob saw it only
briefly before blowing. He should have taken a picture, it would
have lasted longer.
Paul and Grant should be back from Las Vegas and Deli Sub Detox
pretty soon. Meanwhile the
Black Widow has been waking up every morning and pacing until
its late enough to call every magazine rack on the East Coast
looking for October's Inc. Magazine, which is reported to
have her ass in it, right next to Paul's, well actually Paul's face
I guess, but American Road Cycling cannot discern a difference.
Apparently as soon's
the rag hit rock bottom by interviewing Paul, they went
partially belly up. In the best interests of all those who care,
American Road Cycling should probably stop having anything to do
with Paul, before it's too late.
Back in Business: Well, the Maniacs
are back in business—just like it ever was. Rich had his glorious green Irish
jersey on an' everthin'. Ever the gentleman, Larry let
Mary take the top of Demarest, or so the story goes.
SlingShot himself could have been there had he wanted, but
he was just hanging back, biding his time, and making friends with Brian (his
future lead out) who will be pulling him back and past the crowd soon enough.
Brian has now officially beaten Mat on three rides this month.
Brian rode them, Mat didn't...that's good enough for us.
Rain Date - Special Ride Event: Because their big Monday
come-back ride was rained out, the Maniacs
will now appear Wed, 4:30 pm in
Sugar Loaf. We are thinking everyone will thoroughly enjoy Kain Road.
Don "The Starkmeister" Stark, on being reminded of
Bob's bike still hanging on the wall at
Paul's while awaiting the arrival of the mythical 180 lb SlingShot,
interjects, "Well, you are the stuff of legends, but that just follows
the old saying, You can't have your Ottrott and ride it too."
Special Ride Event: The Maniacs at Stop & Shop, Washingtonville,
Monday, 09/26/05, 5:00 pm. See you all on
Heart Attack Hill.
finishes his first
American Road Cycling and says, "SCREECH...SCREECH ...Whoooosh! Wow!"
[Translation: "Ridgebury sucks!"
Godzilla scheduled to fire up
American Road Cycling on the
Hump this Saturday, 09/24/05!
Iron Mike Race Results: This just in from
"Mike Norton finished 16th at the
Univest Grand Prix on Saturday, that is a huge result."
American Road Cycling assumes nobody missed
Interview of Iron Mike, so we do not need to mention that American
Road Cycling has once again scooped the cycling world's lesser
The return of the
Well, Brian at least...for all of you who have been asking about him.
After a long hiatus, he hooked up with American Road Cycling
for a reprise of the Monday night ride (wearing a
Joe Fix It's
jersey purchased just for the occasion) and made SlingShot and
Widow hurt plenty—just like the
days. Can the rest of the Maniacs be far behind Brian? They
usually were. American Road Cycling is sorry to announce that everybody except
Straub will soon be moving down at least one position on the
Finishing with the front group: Mike (not Iron but
racing tomorrow), another Mike (not Iron but race schedule unknown), Kevin
American Road Cycling is not sure of the order
of finish, which pretty much confirms that the results of the Hump
are always just as good as so called Official Races, such as the
Harriman Race in which Joe Straub clearly finished 8th (more or
less) but received a DNF, because bike races apparently cannot get
it together to track results with computer chips in the way even
most third grader sack races are confirmed.
American Road Cycling is sure, however, that
the second group with Jim "Blaster" Amels, etc. was nowhere in sight
when the first group hit the
Sharon Line, and they were nowhere in sight for several (maybe
even a dozen) minutes afterward.
American Road Cycling cannot report the
average speed of the breakaway, because nobody mentioned it.
Besides, the lie they would tell could never be big enough to make
the outrageous lie the second group tells seem possible.
While waiting for the full description to be written,
Kevin Haley is requested to go to the
American Road Cycling Home Page
and pull his browser's ribbon down so the
Hit Counter is centered on his screen, then hit his
refresh button several times and watch the number change.
Also, anybody knowing the last names (and a little
info about) the two Mikes should please inform American Road
Cycling so Slingshot doesn't have to continue looking
like such a total fucking asshole for not knowing.
Special Apology to Lynn Meyer: Recently
American Road Cycling was informed that a photo of Lynn had
appeared in a local newspaper. On seeing the photo, American Road
Cycling's first thought was, "My how large Lynn's ass has
grown," but soon realized it was not Lynn's ass but one of the
gentlemen who were riding with her. American Road Cycling
would like to apologize for assuming Lynn's ass could ever get so
large. We should know better.
American Road Cycling has it on good
Straub actually finished 8th in the Harriman Race (09/11/05),
but the photofinisher lost site of his number behind another rider
and he was listed as DNF on the web site.
was there and saw it happen.
This reminds us of
Black Widow's first race in which she won the 3,4,5's at Sussex
after having driven home an hour before the race began. She
immediately retired from racing undefeated.
Therefore, Joe's 8th Place finish constitutes an
Official American Road Cycling race result, because if
anybody cares to call Dr. Art a liar on this point, I will
personally take them out back and kick the shit out of them.
"I would have responded, but I thought it was a
truck passing too close, so I just pulled over, cowered my head, and
Slingshotafter being passed by
Dangerous Dan who were
chasing each other at about 96 mph just before the finish line.
Just ask Hernando. He was lightly
spinning his warm-down right behind them.
Patrick only beat Dan by a few hundredths of several
seconds. However, Dan tried his best, which is the really important
SlingShot was on
the Jump which is the
Hump, but it starts 30 to 45 minutes earlier when he
refuses to come back from his warm-up—allowing SlingShot to
be in position to see things like the finish reported above. Also the Jump
sometimes provides a single opportunity for him to slingshot past
the AA's and harass them just the right amount before dropping off
Before everybody on the Wednesday
night club ride comes back and gets all bent out of shape about the
two dead Copperheads (one on Ridge Road just before the turn onto
Hambletonian, the other at the bottom of Pines Hill), we just rode
by them, and I stopped to check 'em out for American Road Cycling.
SlingShot (President of American Road Cycling) bet
against Lance again, this time against his avowed retirement.
Then after that (this morning, 09/07/05)
Black Widow found a
MSNBC about how Lance is currently still training with his team
and no replacement has been made.
SlingShot hopes to comment
only, "Needer, needer, needer," but is waiting for an actual
race...which must happen within the year. Since he's already
lost $20 bucks betting
against Lance, he ain't counting this chick till it's hatched.
Still SlingShot maintains there are
mountain's Lance has yet to climb...in particular Lance has never
won the pretigious American Road Cycling sanctioned
raw avg - However,
Blaster was over 19, and Nuclear Dan doesn't
keep track of such things, especially when he is too scared to show up for
the ride. Libutti is now officially one of the Orange Crush Pussy
Boys. Somebody get him a jersey...and some toe clips. Can
Brand New Bruce
becoming a real cyclist be far off? Also Mo is hereby
Officially Fully Credentialed to appear at all rides, no matter how
fast they are prepublished to be.]
Although Dan Buckley has often
lodged complaint against the American Road CyclingAverage Mileage
Regulation, Jim "Blaster" Amels, the leader of the Orange Crush Pussy Boys, has extended
a current investigation into
general malfeasances throughout the cycling world and noted that Dan has been taking his own ride
average, dividing it into the mileage of the ride, making a
conversion to minutes and seconds, then logging it as an "actual
time" ridden. Dan maintains personal records back to 1999 in
this manner. For example, he'll take his 14 mph avg for the 36 mile
Harriman/Tuxedo loop then state, "I did Harriman in 2:34.2," while
pretending he looked at his watch.
Mr. Amels has himself been accused
of using a weaponized Venison Cutlet Gas to slow down SlingShot
and Brand New Bruce on the most recent Tiorati climb, so
little credence is being given to this report.
American Road Cycling is
providing do overs, take backsies, and re-rides for anybody who has
ever been beaten by Paul Latrine.
The Orange Crush Pussy Boys
recently conducted their own independent investigation and found a
trash bag of Paul's piss (dated 1999) that was full of bullshit.
Everybody at American Road
Cycling pretty much assumed as much, so the next round of
Paulie Girl Smack Downs is on us, because we didn't do enough to
let everybody else know about it.
finishes Tour de Goshen (almost) with the FRONT
It has come to the attention of American Road Cycling
that people have actually been training for this year's
Tour de Goshen!
It has been said that even
Dr. Art will use
his favorite Bronze Age tire iron to pluck the mothballs from out his butt hole
in order to plug one of his E-Bay special white
bike seats back into it. A classic!
Overheard on today's
Hump at the very
beginning of the sprint
Anonymous Youth: "This is the sprint, right?"
Kevin Haley: "Yes, it is."
Anonymous Youth: "So...who do I have to look out
Kevin Haley (with a sly sideways glance): "Me."
Anonymous Youth: "You!? But you got gray hair!"
Kevin Haley: ZOOM!
Well at the least the kid got a second place finish.
Pretty impressive for a youngster whose hair hasn't even grown in right
Ill advised comment "Dan, back off the pace a little. Paul's tired."
Inevitable result ZOOM!
American Road Cycling is currently missing
from Google's page 1 returns if quotes are not used in the search.
Most likely last week's water main break causing the 2 day
American Road Cycling web site outage was coincidental with the
Google bot checking in to see if we still exist. We could advise on
how to get the listing back up to the top level returns, but it will
be more interesting to see how quickly the Google bot catches the
problem and fixes it on its own. You may have already noticed the
Internet is not quite perfect.
We had Paul and Liz drive up Kain to compare it
to this year's Etape du
They both had driven the French course after the race, and
they report Kain is steeper. Paul reports the big
climb on the Etape was like the second part of the big hill off 208 coming North
out of Washingtonville on the
Silence of the Lambs
ride--only it went on for 2.5 hours. Even the Hors Categorie climb
was less steep than Kain.
Though the Hors Categorie climb had moments as steep
as Kain, none of those
moments lasted nearly as long as Kain. Paul and Liz also report the ice cream
better at the top of Kain.
Special Note to Lynn Myer:Yes, that is a
direct quote from Paul in the
"How did Frenchy Latrine
do" article. Also, the Mary Endico quote is exceedingly precise. Just
ask your Twin about the Gu Gel episode.
Special Note to Mary Ellen:
Yes, to you too. That is Paul's picture on the Etape, and yes the
"How did Frenchy Latrine
do" is a copy of what he
e-mailed us. And yes those are true statistics from the race, only
186 Americans, etc. Geez people, do you really think I could make this shit
off to France with his American
Road Cycling jersey for that humongous race on a Stage of
the Tour de France. There he will gorge on his favorite dish—Frog
legs—in his favorite manner. He rips them off, then spins up the
climb looking for more.
To the gentleman so desperately trying to stay off
the front of today's Unionville ride
When two women go spinning past you on the last 20
yards of a long climb while chatting about their hair cuts and nail
treatments, the official American Road Cycling term for that
is: GIRL POWER.
No, No...really. This story
isn't about ME. I'm telling YOU! - Mary Endico
Kevin Haley sucks! Yeah, ok. So he
placed 1st and 4th in the state in some big whoop-de-do NJ race...plus he's been
seen proudly wearing his American Road Cycling
Ridgebury Prime jersey that he won for actually winning
(some have won it for less)...we
don't care. Kevin Haley sucks!
If you don't like American
Road Cycling trash talk, simply pick up the pace until everybody
around you is breathing too hard to talk.
"These pills are for during the
ride. They replace your vitamins and vegetables or something." -Ken Olshansky
(Yes, he knew...it was an impromptu joke.)
3rd Place for Nuclear Dan Buckley in his
Harriman Race against many of the fastest
riders/runners in the Northeast. Details to follow.
This has been a test of the
Emergency Broadcast Denial
been an actual shut down,
you would NOT have been told about it.
No more is
be said about the Local Club
they have been punished enough.
Actually, just being who they are
is punishment enough...for now.