Rumor and Innuendo: 04/02/05
Here is the story about the 3rd ever winner of the
American Road Cycling Ridgebury Prime jersey. As with all Ridgebury competitions, these results stand firm unless successfully overturned
by one of the participants or their legal surrogate or estate filing a complaint with American Road Cycling. The
statute of limitations on contesting results is 47.5 years from the date of the
As far as American Road Cycling knows, our roving
reporter did not even show up for the 04/02/05 Hump. Furthermore, as far as
we know, nobody at all showed up for it, because massive rains washed out most of
wherever there was that could be washed out in the Northeast.
However, this is all for the best, because in the meantime there
a successful contestation of a previous Ridgebury Prime result, so this is the perfect opportunity to
right any wrongs which may or may not have occurred and hand out another
Iron Mike Norton has lodged a complaint stating that during
the 03/26/05 Hump, Dangerous Dan did indeed manage a breakaway which held
to the top of Ridgebury. Mike's specific words were, "It was a slick move.
He went out hard from the start, got the jump on all of us...and it
Well, despite any implicit honesty that may be drawn from
Mike's statement (made against his own interests as he would love to get a
jersey himself), and despite our reporter (Nuclear
Dan) stating that he himself
witnessed Dangerous running in front
of the group, American Road Cycling is loathe to change
official results of a confirmed
victory by Doug Allen.
Except, there are extenuating circumstances.
American Road Cycling also heard a rumor coming out
of Stinkature Silos traceable back to unnamed sources that Dangerous Dan did
in fact cover the finish first, and was only caught by the front group
after Ridgebury. So of course, a jersey must be awarded to Dan for his
outrageous tactics and success.
Ordinarily we would not take the word of Iron Mike Norton alone
(based merely on the fact that he was there and saw it); but, like all
the other Great
World Religions, American Road Cycling defaults unwaveringly to
holding rumor, innuendo, and pure speculative fantasy as far superior to
verifiable fact in making Official Declarations.
Therefore, Dangerous Dan is proclaimed the ancillary winner
and recipient of the 3rd ever awarded American Road Cycling Ridgebury
Prime jersey—for his breakaway hammer fest successfully completed during the 03/26/05
Editor's Note: These results are fully in keeping
with the new "Dr. Art Doctrine of Finish
Line Fickleness," in which it has
been firmly established that the finish line of the Ridgebury Prime is a
variable location which may or may not be found at the top of Ridgebury,
but may even be found at the very bottom of the climb, or anywhere along
the Hump plus various parts of Orange County, or elsewhere. You will never
know if you have won until your jersey is awarded to you. [More at:
Dr. Art Doctrine...]
Editor's Second Note: These results also favor
the American Road Cycling primary goal, which is to have all half dozen of
the jerseys awarded before they even get here.
Editor's Third Note: Apologies to Dangerous Dan
for the Editor's previous statement that " ...it is a well known fact
that Dangerous wouldn't be likely to finish the ride before anybody got
anywhere..." This statement is currently under review and may be revised
depending on whether or not it is decided that anybody actually likes
Dangerous enough to allow him to continue showing up for rides.
Editor's Fourth Note: The Editor has taken it
under advisement that everybody is really fucking sick of all his
this page last updated:
02/01/2015 10:38:49 PM