No need to repeat the thematic elements in order for you to skim them here. The program will air again:

*Mystery Diagnosis dates are:
   Mon April 21st 9:00 PM
   Sat April 26th 9:00 PM
   Sat May 3rd 2:00 PM

If the anticipation of lesbian scenes didn't grab your fancy (enough for you to remember), maybe the extended doughnut fill will hold your attention.

Try harder next time.

Editor's Note: Although there have been several references to risqué behavior relative to the Lauren Warren documentary segments, ARC stands rigidly apposed to anybody ever grabbing Cranky's fancy, nor holding her attention.

That's all we have to say on the subject.

During the middle of my ride on The Grind the winds were kicking up really strong. At one point on a slight downslope, I was picking up good speed and at that very moment strong winds from the west gusted really hard; almost simultaneusly I got strong crosswinds from the east. That caused my bike to start shimmying violently.

Just before I totally lost control at nearly 30mph, I started screaming so loud that the rednecks nearby took cover.

In a split second it occurred to me, "WWSSD?"

I grabbed the top bar with both knees, and that helped suppress the vibration that otherwise would have no doubt caused me to crash.

So, for all the extraneous stuff we get here and elsewhere, thank you.

At the very least, you saved me from the rednecks who most certainly would NOT have called 911 but would have dragged me off into the bushes like road kill.

First off, I have gone through all the things what SlingShot would do, and (as apposed to your own conclusion) I am pretty sure SlingShot would have shit his pants.

As for the rednecks, instead of leaving you in the bushes, I am quite sure they would have much better in store for you.

In any case, it is always the same, so this should be pretty accurate.

Nuclear Dan showed up his usual 15 minutes early.

BLASTER showed up on time as usual, and Dan considered him 15 minutes late.

Bob and Mary were not there, and it took the others 15 minutes more to decide they weren't coming, because it could have been merely that Bob was still trying to take a shit—as usual.

Dan and Jim spent that time complaining about various aches and pains, and reviewing how out of shape they are, and how slow they were going to go.

On the first hill Dan said to Jim, "Well, they are supposed to be in the best shape of their lives, so it probably would take to here to drop Bob."

Jim replied, "If not on the "S" turn."

A few hills later Jim said to Dan, "There. By now the Widder would have taken a shortcut."

Later still Jim asked, "It's fucking cold. Why did we do this?"

Dan said, "I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired of icicles on my bicycles."

DISCLAIMER: The phrase "icicles on my bicycles" was stolen from ddoT's post #2677.

We are not sorry about stealing it.

We would have stolen something else if there was anything better.

I went for a little spin on the Computrainer this morning. I did 21.40 miles at 28.2 miles an hour with an aveage wattage of 264.

Is that ok?

Please, ask Bob.

avg\s; p\s; avg\w; p\w; time
Humberto 28.2; 35.2; 264; 556; 45:28
MetalMan 28.0; 34,5; 465; 609

We relayed the info to Pretty Boy at the top of Ridgebury, and he said, "Yeah? Let's see how the motherfucker does without his little MetalMan to draft."

Does everybody who gets fast have to start sounding like Kevin Douchebag Haley?

Everybody better watch it. 7:00 PM, tonight, Discovery Channel Health, Lauren and Michelle.

Be there, or be square.

Lauren Warren is going to be on the Discovery Health Channel in a repeat of: Mystery Diagnosis

Sat March 29th 7:00 PM

She appears in the second half of the first half hour, and there are great photos of Lauren in a classic coming across the finish line pose which rival ARC's own photos of Download Kim in the Hump parking lot.

Now, set your calendar, don't forget, and get over to the Big V parking lot for your ass kicking.

You'd better start without us.

Yes. She is.

Do you attempt to calculate drag and gearing calculations? I assume that the Widder is using some crap setup like 53-12 final gearing.

How about feet of total ascent on the Hump? mapmyride.com or Google Earth should get the info you need to predict Widder's performance.

k

Apparently you never followed the link to the online caclulator which lets you put in all the specs for weight, size, bike specs, etc, so I won't post the link again here.

Suffice it to say, you must be reading far too many of those overly analytical "let us distract you with some slight-of-hand faux math and science while we relieve you of your wallet" websites.

Our simplified chart has proven more than adequate to keep us on track.

Comparing it to Mary's results so far, along with the calculations from the online calculator, it appears the chart has already factored in some rather stringent assumptions for aero equipment, position, and appropriate cycling gear in general.

Mary's results with the watt meter have been slightly over the curve, my own (fat assed results) have been below the curve.

In any case, we have no need to "predict" her performance, for we are going to achieve her performance.

Also, you probably missed the rather major point about how the Hump starts at one point on the earth, then ends up on the exact same point on the earth,

Therefore, the downhills exactly equal the uphills, and the sum total is a null elevation factor.

However, just for my own amusement (and to help us explain to all the idiots in the world what we've done after we've done it), we are going to get an altimeter when we get back home and do our own split by split mapping of The Hump.

We are calling it the:

Humpadetic Survey.

Otherwise, (and I am almost reluctant to mention it again, because the most of us have been over this a few hundred times), we are going to choose a day in which the wind assist is optimal, and Mary's period is non-existant, and her energy level is in that just so perfect range of, "I can do this."

Since we don't have to show up with a few thousand other people who have decided it is the day they are going to waste their vacation on by paying for a ride with numbers, we will enjoy the fine advantage of choosing the exact and most optimal moment for Mary, not for the media.

The 23+ Widder's Hump is not a matter of chance. It is a matter of fact.

analyticcycling.com, is a wonderful website that will predict watts mph, etc, etc.

I am calling Mary out: find a nice fair course and remove all deception, lies, sandbags, etc. Push the pedals as hard as you can for a given distance. Faster time wins.

She may be old, but I am fat.

Watts per kilo. That is the magic number. Have a gander at 1890. You guess the kilos.

k

Anyway, I went to the site, and it appears to be loaded with commercial content.

In any case, at the bottom of one of the Widder's Hump pages is a simplified chart which provides a quick index of watts vs. speed.

A few paragraph's below it are two links to online calculators sans infomercial content. I've provided a link to that page at right. >>>

All of Mary's results are tracking just above the curve shown on the simplifed chart.

No need to find a course. Just submit your specs. Better yet here's the time to beat: Mary's current best (which she could do this afternoon, tomorrow, or whenever required) is 12 minutes with a measured average watts of 198.

No need to worry about hills, if you can hold your wattage on the downhill.

Your speed may vary, but we couldn't give a rats ass about the time. We are on track for her to complete a 23+ Hump (ITT), and you know where that course is.

Our first order of business, when we get back to NY, will be to do the first 4 mile split at 200 watts, take a recovery for the second split, then another 4 mile split at 200 watts. That will put us at the top of Ridgebury.

Well, actually, that will put Mary at the top of Ridgebury. My days of riding with her are over the middle of next week, unless I manage to take off another 30 lbs in the next 7 days.

BTW: How long did you hold the 1890?

Actually, it doesn't matter. Mary will never hit that mark in her lifetime, nor will I, and probably neither will ddoT.

Therefore, since we believe you: you have won. Widder says uncle.

Now you can get back to raising your daughter and keeping her out of the Internet and other similarly horrible places such as your favorite restaurants.

The Holy Grail of a sub 1 hour 40k is well within reach—I think widder might be the next Cancellara.

Do I hear a TT challenge for the CV folks? Forget that climbing crap, get out the 55 and get in the hurt box for 59 minutes.

In any case, a sub hour 40k would be a 25.80 mph avg which is most likely not in the Widder's future, due to the 312 watt avg which would be required, according to my best guess.

I am also guessing that for you the watts required would be much higher, plus you would never be able to make up the uphill on the downhill, and that's why you have such an aversion to hills.

For the Widder: uphill, downhill, flat… makes no difference.

Granted, Mary's speed vs. watt ratio has continuously shown she is hitting slightly higher than expected speeds (no doubt due to her more than perfect for cycling body), but as for a continuously sustainable 312 watts, it is unlikely she will ever put out that kind of power.

On the other hand, Mary does put out a lot, so who knows.

I assume your CV reference fits in well with the American Road Cycling 3 simple rules of cycling:

   1) fewer watts per mph
   2) fewer heart beats per watt
   3) less effort per heart beat

At least that's what my quick googling for the meaning of CV found. I had to look it up, because I have never come across that particular marketing term before.

In any case, that still seems like an awful lot of technical jargon for this little mom & pop non-technical website.

I hope you haven't confused us with SlowBitch?

Editor's Note: By stating the Widder's average speed for today's assault on the 16 mile test course (which includes amongst the headwinds: one small bridge; one larger bridge; two traffic circle turn-arounds; one hard right in the face of darting autos, RV's, and trailered fishing boats; two bottle necks beside road work, plus a long stretch of "get the fuck out of my way you asshole cyclist" right next to your left ear narrow roadway; and one death defying jump across traffic already pissed off by draw bridge nonsense to gauntlet a final turn-around), we in no way meant to imply that her 20+ mph avg equaled 20.1 mph as alluded to by Mr. Zirra.

The true figure was: 20.0025 mph, not that we are trying to be overly precise. We are merely trying to be clear.

I set it up yesterday with her assignment on the Fort De Soto test course.

I said, "Just forget everything we've been working on, and go back to the way you used to ride. Do it any way you want. Only try for a personal best avg mph on the test course. Don't worry about anything but that. We will use the data to give us a baseline for your current best average watts to work from when we get back North."

Unfortunately, she fudged the clearing of her mph avg at the start of the loop, and she didn't think to stop the test for a do-over. Instead, she went back to watching her average watts similar to what she has learned lately.

Fortunately, she forgot that we worked really hard to bring her up to only 2 x 200 watt 12 minute intervals with a long rest in between, and she decided she could keep her watts at 200 for the 16 mile test.

Duh!

She burnt herself out on the first split and never fully recovered for the rest of the ride.

Her final watt average ended up being 161.7 which was only a few tenths higher than her last test on the course.

However, it was for the full 16 this time. Last time she blew up at mile 12, and I had to pull her in. Therefore, it was a pretty good personal best to do the full 16, plus do it a little stronger than before.

This morning I said, "Let’s go back to the test course. I want to try something.

Today's assignment was for her to make full use of all the stuff we've been working on, and especially use the skills we defined over the last few weeks of hard intervals.

I said, "Use the technique from the last hard intervals. Start the split by over pushing the start for three strides, then let the wattage settle down to no more than 165. Your goal will be to hold the 162 average which you've never done. To give you a little buffer, we'll let you sit on 163, and if it drops to 162 push it back up, but never go above 165. Got it?"

During the first split, I reminded her that although it must feel very easy to be under 165, she should still be as efficient and relaxed as possible.

Toward the end of the second split I realized we might also be beating her personal best mph avg for the loop, so I asked her to get in her drops for awhile into the wind.

In the third split I pointed out that she was losing form with her left leg, and she corrected. That happened twice.

Toward the end of the last split I reminded her she was allowed to push harder if she felt like it. She did.

When it was all over we were 3 tenths of a mile faster than yesterday, and she had posted a personal best sub 50 minute 16 mile loop. That's a 20+ mph average, not to mention a personal best of 165.75 watts average.

During the cool down Mary said, "That was the easiest 20+ I have ever done. It was insanely easier than yesterday. In fact I'm sure I could have held 175 like that for the full 24 back to the parking lot, but I didn't want to screw up the test. I think I finally see what we are working toward. You are a genius!"

Which is pretty ironic, because making the Widder faster is the stupidest thing I have ever done.

Editor's Note: Mary's ability to hold her watt average without looking at the current wattage (necessary due to a limitation in the Powertap) is a skill we have put significant effort into over the last four months.

Add to that the ability to give in to the wind while keeping the same watts, hold the same watts both uphill and downhill, not worry about current speed, and you will be dissuaded from trying this yourself at home.

It is Masters Class stuff.

I will simply write this:

Glenn bridged up solo to the break with me and Carter Jones (US Junior team kid) in it. We were later joined by Mark Light and the best boy from the Army Racing team.

The five of us drove the pace and easily made the break succeed. I was at my rivet most of the time, pushing above my threshold power.

I could not attack the break, because I was at my limit. Glenn was at his limit, but was still there.

Glenn never got dropped and was beneficial in the break's success. The Army guy rolled off the front on the last lap as Mark, myself, and Carter were marking each other and managed to hold a TT to the end for first.

Glenn was the first to react and chase, but I knew he was shot. I jumped and then moved over to have Carter get in front of me, but he let up and Mark came around me. I jumped on his wheel but was unable to get him at the line. Glenn rolled across for fifth. But it was a hard fifth.

Impressive!!

On the other hand, since you all now hate Pretty Boy (Glenn Babikian) so much, go ahead a bitch slap him if you must.

In any case, I had Mary doing a lot of exercises on her Computrainer before we got the meter for her bike. That groundwork was crucial to her learning the power meter, and we will return the skills she has learned on the road back to the trainer once we get home.

Otherwise, I can report that the two methods report watts effectively the same. The results Mary got at home on the Computrainer were easily repeated on the road with the Powertap with regard to watts vs. speed.

However, if I had my druthers, there are a few changes I would make to both systems.

Here's part of my forecast:

The next generation power meters will have transducers embedded in the crank arm itself in order to register torque directly from the point of application. They will also read the torque in both directions, forward and backward.

They will also include a multi-tapped armature in the bottom bracket in order to more precisely report smoothness of spin, but I have already said too much.

Expect changes to stationary trainers and software along the same lines. They really should… well, it's a long story.

BTW: We have heard that Turtle Boy School hit the road for a quick 50 miles yesterday . George, Dan, and the Boy himself did well, but they dropped a lesser known rider who came along for the punishment.

Apparently Lauren missed such episodes as this. >>>

[re: post #2685]

I know, I know, so I have been told. That is how I often get into trouble, a tad too naïve.

I came out, but I don't get out much ;).

I have often been heard muttering, "I just can't believe I had no idea!"

In any case, this is very true of -b. He is just always so quiet and polite all the time. I had only one suspicion recently when a post showed up on this site that I had not submitted.

That was my, "Aha!" only to be followed by my standard, "I just can't believe I had no idea" thought.

Mary put me in the know, but then I started to get paranoid (unrelated to my genetic disorder as I was not in the midst of an attack), and I started wondering if indeed Mary was not one of -b's personalities!! and… "Aha! I just can't believe I had no idea!!"

I mean, we see Mary, she is typically in the front of the ride with -b in the back, and I know Mary does a lot with some truly amazing trick photography on the ARC website.

But really. I mean we never see them together, so is it possible that they are in truth: only one of b's reality and just a trick photo?

Are they like the Matrix, and we choose to be in blissful oblivion that they are indeed two separate entities, but they are in actuallity only one person with many multiple personalities that have actually been able to take on corporal existsance as two people in order to fool all of us when they need to and it suits their needs?

I mean, think about this with me Toe Clip Guy. If this is the case, -b may not have a powermeter, but his alter personality Mary does, so your plan would still work… I am in!

To infinity and beyond, powermeter - shazam!

BTW: Am I correct that the weather up there is frightful?

Editor's Note: Apparently, Lauren is fucking with us, because we can't find a single post this year which was not hers… well, maybe not her direct post, but at the very least stolen from her private e-mail.

SlamCrank's Interjection: The blue pill should take care of it.

If not, can I grab it from you when I see you Sunday?

The major advantage is that the watt meter reports status more quickly. That makes them very helpful in situations such as when I say to the Widder, "Mary, you are overworking," and she responds, "No I am not," I can merely ask, "What does your watt meter say?" instead of trying to explain that 14 miles an hour into a 40 mile an hour headwind is harder than 24 miles an hour into no wind. Also, drafting somebody at 24 miles an hour can be as easy as a warmup.

The one other situation where a watt meter helps is showing how hills can easily be practiced on the flats, becauses watts is watts is watts.

If you have a .2 of a mile hill, you can practice it on the flat by measuring your time to the top and checking your average watts to accomplish it. Then you can practice that hill on the flat by doing an interval for that length and at the appropriate wattage. The only difference is you will go more than .2 of a mile on the flat.

You can then work until you can accomplish the given time at a higher wattage, go back to the hill, and find you can now get up the hill faster.

This is only significant for helping a total moron get the concept. On the other hand, anybody with a brain can do the same thing using a HR monitor. Or they could just practice sprints for the same time as the hill requires.

In general, triathletes are not so confused over this issue, because they are not allowed to draft so are not pulled into situations where the people they are drafting are purposely trying to fuck up their performance.

But I do like your idea to jump one of his various personas for his Powertap.

I got an idea. On the hump, you let one of him ride your wheel, then you break, and I follow to push him along, because he might not know what's going on. We drop him, set up an ambush, and take the meter. He won't know what hit him.

He'll forget what happened, buy another, and we do it again a week later. We'll each have our Powertaps. It'll be like taking candy from a baby.

The fact I'm writing this here doesn't matter as he would read it today, and forget everthing by Opening Day!

If I might suggest: Chester Pete also has one. If you beat him on Ridgebury he has a tendancy to throw stuff like that into the woods. Maybe you could try that. If it breaks from being thrown, you can always sell it to Dr. Art on Ebay.

What was I saying?

How is it that I feel like I did when I found out that Santa Claus wasn’t a real person?

I, I need a moment to myself here to process all of this. That means… Oh my gosh, that means -b has multiple personalities??

Oh, Mary, I am so sorry. So that is why the site was started, to give all of them an outlet. Do they all have their own bikes as well—with powermeters?

If they do, right now I am trying to figure out a way to cure one of the personalities and get their powermeter, because they won’t need it if they don’t exist ;).

I know some very good therapists.

Wow, I am still in shock. I feel terrible that I laughed at most of the comments posted by them, terrible that I was laughing at -b’s unfortunate circumstance without knowing the truth.

Mary, YOU are the real Angel for setting me straight (Yes, though I am not, I do use this word every now and then.) on this!

~L

I copy edit everything that people post. Sometimes I make it better, but usually I fuck it up so bad the person posting hardly even recognizes it themselves when they read it later.

Special Open Letter

Certain realities about the ARC website were sent back to her privately, but since the question arose, it points out the possibility there may be other people reading this website who have never been made privy to the truth, so it bears repeating some of them once again.

Part of what was reported to Lauren is that the following people are generally all SlingShot:

   SlamCrank
   CaliperGirl
   JO
   Sarah Cyclist
   Neo
   Connie Sewar
   Stoned Stoner
   Spoke Poker
   Smarty Watts
   Scooter Man
   Pedal Punker
   Slam Pappy Skrodum Skradger
   Scram Slacken Furder
   Car Bone
   Gargantu Chamois
   SlimChimp
   Balaclava
   Stephen Coldbear

At least those are names SlingShot has used this year so far. Others are actually people who exist but may or may not have ever posted here, or may have posted sometimes and had their names used by all the others (and/or SlamCrank) at some time or another, or not.

SlingShot used to keep close watch on who was posting what, and whose IP# was whose, but he no longer does that, because he has decided he would rather have a life.

In fact, he used to handle most of the Photoshop duties, but has recently turned that over to the Widder to keep her busy, and to help teach her how to use imaging software.

She has those privileges removed when she shows herself not worthy.

Otherwise, she has promised SlingShot he may shut this site down now that she herself realizes it is a total waste of his and everybody elses time. At least that is what she promised.

Currently it is assumed (rightly so) that maybe 3 or 4 people actually read this website. Two of them will post.

Therefore, this site should be considered a poorly written novel based on fiction; and, despite the Widder's Hump info being actual training notes (for SlingShot's amusement only), the entire site should be recognized as a total waste of one's time, and preference should be given to running, swimming, and cycling outdoors.

You get your asses up here and ride uphill into this 30 degree sleet'n snow'n shit'n ass freez'n fuckin' rain bullshit and check your Powertap then.

Here, I'll write your first line: "This piece of shit watt meter must only work in Floriduh!"

Don't forget to bring the sun with you. I'm tired of icicles on my bicycles!

However, we will take your suggestion to double check the functioning of our watt meters.

Thank you for writing.

Do you want to buy some good IV glucose? It's only sticky if you don't get the needle in just right… once you get past the coma monitoring phase you're good to go for some time.

I'm jonesing for a meter………………. allright, Mary will just have to agree to be my personal Powermeter on the road, I will try to stay on her wheel this season as much as possible.

Hey, Mary, age is just a number. Heck they tossed my 42 around like it was nothin' and I am only 41!

Not to mention, it is so fun to see you whoop some good derrier's out there—when I get the rare opportunity to see you ride ;).

My response to you about Mary being 54 was meant for ddoT. For some reason I thought your second post was his.

Read it again and pretend you are ddoT. Makes more sense that way doesn't it? Well, it will to him.

In any case, now Mary is all pissed off, because you were nice to her.

She said, "How dare she be sweet, and talk to me like she wouldn't have to be on her last Porphyria attack in order to ride slow enough to stay behind me! Who the hell does she think she is. Now I'm going to have to kick her ass twice and teach her some respect for her elders."

She went on, "Tell her she's right. Age is just a number… until you reach 53, then it's your age."

I have to be more careful with regard to who I am trash talking how.

Now I say I'm definitely going power, it's just a matter of when.

I'm pretty sure it's not gonna take three years for this cheap poor ass bastard to dive in.

Did somebody say home equity loan?

BTW: I saw the Montell Williams segment on famous triathletes with mysterious things going on.

I'm truly happy Lauren found a doctor who knew what was going on. I wish her well, and good luck with her events this year.

As for your little study hall note to Lauren: Yuck. You keep saying things like that, and people (besides Cranky) are going to start calling you sweet.

We have to answer this for you, because SlingShot is in jail.

Last night after he saw the photos on the Discovery Health Channel of Lauren when she was 12 years old, he went straight over to the local police department and turned himself in.

The cop at the front desk said, "But you haven't done anything."

"I would have. Just put me in a cell till I get over it."

We can't say when SlingShot will be out of jail, because we did some research and found out people generally never get over Lauren.

In fact the Widder herself is bawling like a big baby after she saw the Montel episode. Partly because Lauren almost lost it thanking Dr. Marshall, but mostly because she is still going to have to kick her ass.

The only happy note here is that no way is Widder going to kick Lauren's ass. Never did. Never will.

The truck is 20 years old. Although it is a Toyota with only 300,000 miles on it—so in a sense pretty new.

Maybe if I repeat, "There's no place like Powertap, there's no place like Powertap, there's no place like Powertap."

Fhhh… nuthin' yet. I thought for sure that would make it happen.

I don't give up easily…

I even advertised the first one as "free," but after that you have to pay.

Hmmmm… I can only ride the bike if I remain attack free, so maybe I shouldn't give up too much of my IV bag stash, and my birthday is still too far away… we don't own the house outright yet… I will figure this out, give me time.

Don't give up on the Ebay sales yet. Once people hear what the IV's have been doing for your performance, there sure to go for big bucks.

Ironically, when the Widder heard that Toe Clip was getting a meter she complained, "I don't think I want him to get one," but when she heard Lauren would be trading her IV's for one (thus not riding), she said, "Absolutely. Luaren really needs a watt meter. She should do whatever it takes to get one. In fact, I'll shred her bike for her, so she can sell it as scrap metal."

In due time.

And if anyone does have it on this wheel, did you notice any appreciable difference in ride, weight, etc…?

Any feedback, both positive and negative highly appreciated.

Thanks.

We purchased Mary's PowerTap (wireless) on the cheapest wheel offered. The Mavic Pro.

At the time, I couldn't find anybody who knew anything about it, so we weren't going to risk spending more for nothing until we knew it worked.

You will take a hit in speed anyway, so it's unclear if a high-end wheel would be able to make up the difference.

However, the information about your ride (that a watt meter provides) will outweigh the negative.

In Landis' book (kindly suggested by ddoT) he talks about using the Powertap in competition, so at least he finds the information well worth the slow down.

Our own plan is to reward me with my own power meter when the Widder reaches her interim goal of a 22+ time trialed Hump.

I will inherit her current meter and wheel, and she will get a new one with an all out wheel for her 23+ attempts.

It is still unclear how much slower the watt meter makes her, because the precision of the workouts has made her finally strong enough for me to be hurting on the flats behind her. Never happened before.

Not to mention, her average speeds are already about 1 to 2 miles faster for this time of year than ever before.

There is no doubt about the watt meter wheel being slower. We have both swapped it out, and both agree it is significant enough to be easily felt. My heart rate goes up about 20 beats for the same speed in warmup.

The absolute certain choice will be the wireless though. It reads the wheel from at least 50 yards away. I can put it on my own bike and read her wattages to keep track and prompt her during sprints, pacework, etc.

If you get the wireless, you will afford yourself the opportunity to put the wheel on somebody elses bike and help them learn how to use it.

You are studying to do that sort of thing, right?

Finally, a chance to get to my e-mail… forget the show… I can’t believe you almost ran over a Rattlesnake!!!

Way to keep goin’. With the watts you have been spinnin’ that snake didn’t stand a chance! I bet all that was left of him/her was the skin!

B went back to look at it?? Does he know they get pretty (hiss)pissy when messed with, and that the air conditioning you created as you flew by certainly would be a causative strike factor?

I guess you both lived to tell the “tail” ;).

When all is said and done, I wish I would have been there to witness it!

As for the illness turning me: You know I never thought of it… red to purple pee, lavender being the “Lebanese” flag color and all, well heck maybe there is a connection.

After all, it did take them 28 years to diagnose me, and I did have my first female crush on my art teacher at the age of… Heya, I think everyone is on to something here.

O.K. Now you know the real reason I only do the glucose IV treatment and not the Panhematin IV treatment… I kind of like being Lebanese ;). I really hope this doesn’t mean I have to ride the back of the bike train from now on - rats.

When are you both heading to balmy NY again? We are eagerly waiting for both you and Michele’s parents return to bring the warm weather with you : )

The rattlesnake was laying very flat on the trail, stretched out almost straight, maybe warming itself but in a shadow—so not getting too warm.

Its neck and head looked as if it were broken, so I thought maybe somebody had ridden over it, and it was dead.

Then I noticed it's head was carefully tracking my movement, and I remembered the watersnake from last summer which was doing exactly the same thing, looked exactly the same way, and had me and Chuckie both fooled into thinking it was almost dead.

When I started to move it off the road with my bike wheel, it came alive and started striking at my tire.

With the rattlesnake I figured it would do the same thing and eventually turn and leave just like the watersnake, but I decided I didn't need to give it the fame and satisfaction of being able to tell all its friends, "Yeah, I killed SlingShot. Glad I did it too!"

I left it and took off to get the Widder. I was sure she could talk me out of going back for a second look, and she did.

Oh yeah, Lance Armstrong's "It's not about the bike" is also free to a good home.

*Mystery Diagnosis dates are:
   Sat March 29th 7:00 PM
   Mon April 21st 9:00 PM
   Sat April 26th 9:00 PM
   Sat May 3rd 2:00 PM

*The Montel William’s show:
   Tues March 25th 10:00 AM

Also, anybody who would like a second copy of Lance's book, give ddoT a call.

TONIGHT 10 PM

Be there, or be square.

10 PM, Discovery Channel, Tonight.

Hey, everybody, ddoT is offering to slow you down with outdated information.

Let me know if anybody wants one or both.

Focus

I had devised a unique way to help her focus by using a workaround I came up with for one of the watt meter's limitations.

However, my clever little technique could only account for a small part of the unwavering attention she showed today.

When I signaled, "There's a snake," she barely even flinched and only asked, "Huh," before I answered, "Just a little garter snake."

Then a few miles later when she chirped, "Snake," as her wheel passed a couple inches from its head, there wasn't even the slightest break in her pace when I blurted, "A rattlesnake. I'm going back to look."

Not only did she not slow down, it was almost as if she got going a little faster.

What focus.

Happy Easter!!! I hope you have both gotten your riding in for the day. I rode for 4 hours yesterday and then ran : ) Felt good, especially since I was finally recovered from a week long Porphyria attack – bleck :*(.

Back into the swing of things now, no time to waste making up the time… as usual. Mary I am totally rooting for you with your Hump ride goal… as they say in Ironman… you will do this.

I look forward to you kicking my butt all over the course this year ;).

Below are the television dates for both shows I will be on, they are airing this coming week. In case you have nothing else to do… ;).

Peace,

Lauren

*Mystery Diagnosis dates are:
   Mon March 24th 10:00 PM
   Sat March 29th 7:00 PM
   Mon April 21st 9:00 PM
   Sat April 26th 9:00 PM
   Sat May 3rd 2:00 PM

*The Montel William’s show:
   Tues March 25th 10:00 AM

Mystery Diagnosis is on Discovery.

Turns out the only thing that might surpass her fame for fitness, is her fame for sickness.

She's got it all!

That's enough ARC for today.

We are going out for 13 x 260 watt 50 second intervals. I plan to puke sometime after the 7th.

I have been out of the Central Valley loop for awhile, but I am planning on doing the Farmlands Century this year—if Bob is planning on it.

I have been getting my training in, while Corlynn and I had a baby girl on Dec 6th. It is a blast with the Little Zirra. She is healthy, happy, smiles, and does all the stuff babies do.

How have you guys been? Florida treating you well?

I see your power files on ARC—looking to do some damage this year? I have been training on an SRM for about a year now, and it makes all the difference in the world.

I look forward to riding together soon, maybe one of the afternoon rides at Harriman? Let me know when you start the parking lot rides again.

Best

Kevin

Congratulations on the daughter. Looks like you'll have some extra time to ride, because having kids is so easy and takes up so little time. All you have to do is make sure she never ever never sees the ARC website—or anything like it.

If you would just give us some of your specs for wattage vs. speed, we promise to use it against you.

Maybe you could phrase it something like this, "Holy shit. I squat with 1000 lbs. That works out to stomping 500 lbs. per leg. My watt meter just reported 2700 watts. So why am I walking up this hill, and the Widder has disappeared over the top?"

You know, something like that. We'd like to compare it to our own results, so we can see how closely the three systems (SRM /Powertap /Computrainer) report watts.

The Harriman rides are already in full bloom.

Don't forget to check out Schefflers Road. It's one of my favorites, and there are three GSP's near the top on the right. Also Widder says there's a Great Dane up there.

People call it, "Schlepers Road."

May I be so forward as to ask why you would even listen to the news early in the morning? I mean, you get up to train (that's a positive), to make love to the wifey (that's a great positive), to eat (also a positive until you reach for the doughnuts), but to listen to the morning news?

Was sa matter con you, man?

Sunday School

SlingShot got all bent out of shape thinking, "How could they be so stupid as to answer their fucking phone in the first place?"

In the hopes of helping people avoid such scams, it is time we published the American Road Cycling Rules to Live By:

1) If somebody tells you that you are doing God's work, you are not.

2) If somebody tells you that by receiving your vote they are looking out for your best interest, they are not.

3) If SlingShot tells you he is going to kick your ass, give up without even trying.

Anybody know what the distance record for an early season, partly frozen snot-rocket is? I swear I shot one about 25 ft. today and took a German Shorthair right off his feet.

At the Camel Farm, if you hook a right (instead of bearing left as on the Hump route), you go up a pretty steep climb. Just after getting over the top, I was watching a woman on my left clean her yard with an enormous pooper scooper. Then, I heard the sound of claws on pavement to my right. I looked over, and I was eye to eye with a fucking Great Dane!

Luckily he could see my low body fat percentage, so he didn't bother to bite my femur off, knowing I would taste like shit. True story. I actually almost pissed my pants. Big fuckin dog!

2) Sounds like an ice booger record, but you'll have to submit its weight and volume specs, so I can plug them into the watts vs. distance formulas. Also, you will need a witness. Did it put anybody's eye out?

3) Are you sure the woman was not cleaning her yard with a lugie scooper? I have heard the woods are alive with solid state hock rockets this time of year, so people spend a lot of time cleaning up the mucus muffins.

4) Are you sure your Great Dane was using his ocular, and not his olfactory, senses? I don't know if Great Dane's are sight hounds, but I do know that a blood hound would be dissuaded off your trail in less than a sniffle.

BTW: Everybody be careful about pissing your pants. Chester Pete narrowly missed having "sex offender" tacked onto his permanent record when a Goshen cop caught him coming back onto the Heritage Trail after he had pulled aside for an old man's prostate induced desperately necessary nature break.

You did it in 8. Have you been practicing on bulls?

Road Cycling Rage

It's a drought, so the afternoon rain was delayed an hour today.

That was just enough time to loop up over the Clearwater Bridge and back, but we had to hurry.

I took over the pull early, because the Widder had a hard test ride yesterday, and she will have another hard ride tomorrow.

I just have to keep grinding away grams of fat, so I'm allowed to work as too much as I like.

I knew the signal light we were approaching was short, so when it turned red I never stopped working, and it turned green long before we got to it.

Timed it perfect.

Except by the time we got there a line of cars was lined up facing us in the left turn lane, all chomping at the bit to cut across our path.

I made eye contact, and it was clear the lead car would wait, but there was also a line of cars sitting at the red light to our perpendicular right.

We were in a bike lane with clear right of way.

The first car from the right jumped and got through with plenty of time to avoid us, but the second car followed them without even looking.

I had just enough time to pull almost into the oncoming traffic, and squeezed past screaming, "Hey, wake up!"

I did calm down once I realized there was a whole foot and a half between the car's front left fender and the oncoming cars.

I took one final look at the driver on his phone and popped through the open road slot like I was doing something rational.

The driver never even saw me until the Widder started her own screaming in his ear as she followed my lead to thread the needle.

About a quarter mile later, the guy pulls up beside me with his window down, and I surprise myself by having lots of breathe left for more screaming, "Get off your fucking phone, and pay attention."

He shouts back, "I was just trying to apologize…"

So I give him the thumbs up and nodded just as he finished, "Get back on the sidewalk!" and sped off.

Apparently our intervals have been good for my aerobic capacity, because Mary said she heard me a quarter mile back as I raised the American Road Cycling salute and shouted, "FUCK YOU… YOU MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

Later on our way home, some drunken shithead going the other way yelled across a divide, "Stay on the sidewalk!"

I guess it proves the most important part of "Floriduh" is the "DUH."

This backwards cracker-ass state of red-neck pecker heads is currently working on getting rid of the teaching of evolution in the scools.

You can't really blame them, because there is so much obvious evidence around them that natural selection couldn't possibly be true.

If it were true, none of these dip-shit fuck buckets would have made the cut for stupidity.

No wonder they spent so much time trying to decide if the brain dead Terry Schiavo was regular or not.

The Full Imus

By my being so lax as to allow any single TV channel to remain on for more than a half second, I have already seen seven or eight hundred instances where Obama was mischaracterized, misquoted, or even totally ignored as reporters and pundits continue their own narrative unabated, without the slightest concern over what he has actually said, meant, or thought.

Earlier today I turned around and caught the Widder staring at the TV with a slack look of horror. She said only, "I can't believe it."

I can.

I hate myself for not having the restraint to refrain from yelping about it, but it's my own fault for forgetting not to listen to any of it and trying to track down his actual statements, or watching as much of the whole mess as I have, in the hopes of, well... not hopes I guess, but just to see.

For a moment I thought, "Well, noboby's going to be able to say anything about that. It's just clear logic."

I would write a lot more, but I'm too depressed seeing another person receiving the Full Imus.

GOD DAMN AMERICA!

Also, rumor has it you can pull those 260 watts now. So you win the leader of the pack title come opening day in April.

As for my pulling watts, when one has a forward profile measured in square meters, 260 watts don't buy you much. In any case, I only wish I could go below 450 watts on even the slightest rises, so I'll be more than happy to reclaim my perch on the real Doug's wheel.

BTW: Sorry to hear that you finally found out about the Hump and now realize your 7 Tour de France wins are comparatively meaningless.

When we get back to NY we begin the American Road Cycling Humpadetic Survey.

Our guess is that you will have an opinion on the perfect altimeter to match our needs.

Therefore, I have enough solid data to be fully aware that I am still 35 lbs above the weight that I was when I still had to log a 1 Hour World Record wattage just to get dropped by you guys on any hill longer than a football field. So it is unlikely you will see me pulling anytime soon.

Not to worry, though. I have been training the Widder to pull me for my own personal best Hump.

BTW: Although I don't bother reviewing the web usage logs for ARC anymore, I couldn't resist checking to see if you could possibly be Doug, so I checked my old notes for your IP#.

Turns out you are UV #91, an IP# that is registered to Ameritech in Plano, TX.

Quit fucking with us Lance, and get back outside working on your marathon splits.

For everbody else: guess what today is? >>>

I pour my very life's blood and passion into those people trying to make them faster. I give them state of the art spin aerobics, my own special cycling specific strength exercises, not to mention little tricks like the one Cranky used to kick SlingShot's ass on Demarest Road last year. I do all that, and how am I repaid?

They throw it all away on doughnuts!

What does the wizzard of ARC have to say about that?

If you look around you, you will see the empty husks and broken psyches of numerous unfortunates who have let themselves fall to such a low state that I have beaten them. Let me tell you the repurcusions of being beaten by me are horrid indeed. The feeling of self loathing and disgust can be overwhelming. Here, let me give you a taste:

Actually, #500, you are not at all fallen, for I have never NOT been able to kick your loser ass.

See? You might want to take off the weight. You've got two weeks.

Anyway, O Bama should've played his cards better. Rallying both the Nation of Islam and the Church of the Victim Christians to get him the right connects. And then distancing himself when it was time. He blew it. His game is now done. Perhaps he can take up cycling and meet us all down in: BROOKLYN!!!!

… of course I need to get my training back on track, but that's another story.

In any case, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND? Do you really want Old Bama showing up in Brooklyn? Maybe you haven't noticed, but the guy is not a fat ass like SlingShot, nor does he appear to be a total fucking moutain bike loser like your current Pres.

You'd better try to focus, you are starting to sound like Turtle Boy with all your whining about being out of shape. But don't worry about it, your salvation is coming.

I may pull myself out of retirement just for the pleasure of setting you straight.

I have personally been responsible for more renewed programs and fancy bikes purchased than probably anybody else on the planet.

I have lost count of the number of people who have finally fallen into bad enough shape for me to beat.

None of them ever got that bad off again.

I have been told that one of the people I beat for the final sprint and win of the Tour de American Road Cycling last Thanksgiving Day is currently 10 lbs lighter than ever, and they've started pretending to race.

Otherwise, I wish I had a nickle for every new bike that was bought the week after I beat somebody on the Hump. Everybody knows the bottom of the barrel when they hit it, and it sounds like your turn is coming.

In fact, the Turtle Boy Very Excellent School of Competition Cycling and Trash Talking was itself begun a couple years ago the very week after I heard this (on the long climb left after Heart Attack Hill), "Shit, it's come to this? I'm riding in the back with Bob and the women. Fuck, me. I better get in shape!"

PS: Sorry for asking about your losing your fucking mind, but I forgot that you want EVERYBODY to show up in Brooklyn.

Here, maybe this will help you avoid therapy, if not the ass shredding you are soon to enjoy:

cycling club, be faster

But it must be good advice coming from Download, since she herself has spared no expense in acquiring the massive bazoombas of a Teutonic barmaid.

In any case, it looks like you are going to fall for it, so to the 90%: Start lining up for the Cranky heap!

It was an AWESOME race between her and Barb Sessa (Queen Bee) for second, and a Cadet won the division.

I logged some miles on the tri bike today, and I figured that for the Widder to accomplish her feat, she will have to ride somewhere between the level of me and Levi. That's a biiiiig range!

As for the Widder: couple years ago she posted a 21.5 on the Hump—four weeks in a row. Then she fell in with some bad influence and stopped improving. Some of the people she was riding with reported it was 22+, but I have taught her to be very conservative in her measurments.

However, she still posted a 21.2 toward the end of last year while riding mostly on her own. She is already posting times that are 2 miles an hour faster than she has ever been this time of year.

Also, she is significantly stronger and smarter now than ever. Plus, her technique has consistently improved during her already 1400+ road miles this winter. Not to mention, I can still see where she can get another 12 percent improvement in technique alone.

BTW: What was your average watts on your early season ride today? If you were referencing only to mph: was it on an ovoid course with equal uphill and downhill and a well planned wind direction where the most headwind hit you where you received the most cover from the hills and trees?

BTBTW: Never make decisions about a ride on an uphill (with regard to whether you want to quit or not), and never guage performance during your first week out after a winter off the road.

Download, Like ddoT says, I'm not going to be able to ride with these extra weights!

Hey they are trying to pawn you off on Client #9. You are a #1 gal!!

As for the numbering conventions, we will just have to see what Lauren Warren has to say about it at West Point.

I've got Lauren Warren's number this year at the West Point Tri. I know I can do it… maybe, I can. Probably not. There, I talked myself out of it.

BTW: Don't you find it odd that we've had a run on female posters after we ran stuff about forty-three hundred dollar hookers? Apparently, we are not allowed to have any fun.

BTBTW: If you ever did beat Lauren in a tri-athlon, you could retire as an accomplished athlete.

I taught music for many years, and I am quite accustomed to coming up with ad hoc exercises to break through a student's misconceptions. I long ago learned what every good educator on the planet knows.

The excellence of the exercises lie in my ability to match them specifically to the student, and I can freely give away every "secret" that I have for years on end. The number of people who ever actually understand them will remain small, plus the number of people who actually do the work required to perfect them afterward will be fewer still.

People who think teachers "hold secrets," or that there is any knowledge that needs to be protected, are idiots.

Let him out of the cage please.

We don't think he wants out.

Either he's planning on coming to the rescue of some happless team, or a bunch of people are really hoping he doesn't start taking his cycling seriously again. I guess both could be true.

As for the Fusion Training™ term, I didn't look it up before I coined it, but the similar references I found (after you mentioned it) are about something totally different. Still, we might have to come up with a more unique set of characters.

In any case, here's a sample of the stuff I'm talking about. It was today's 23+ Widder's Hump workout. >>>

Fusion Training™ is a concept I developed this winter during the ongoing review process of the data gathered for the 23+ Widder's Hump.

I would guess that Fusion Training™ will be the wave of the future in state of the art training for cyclists, but it will take awhile to articulate the coalescement of these various technologies into this new unified system.

There may be some resistance to the idea at first, because it contradicts many long held yet erroneous assumptions widespread among the parctitioners of sports training.

We just got a new shipment from Portugal: 39 through 46.

1) like the music analysis. Very true. Had I been able to….my foul shot record in college would have been much better.

2) as her coach, you'd better not give her HGH or we will call her Mrs. Clemens.

3) How come you know all this good stuff and you eat like crap?

2) Fuck HGH, and all that crap. The 23+ Widder's Hump is an example of exceptional performance that is relatively easily accessible to anybody with a goal and a commitment to reach it—which brings up a timely point.

Today Marion Jones is in prison, and it is the fault of all of us. We all sat around and allowed what used to be a showcase for "amateur" accomplishment (The Olympics), where you could find people who had taken janitorial jobs at local restaurants in order to live on a subsistence in a studio apartment while they engaged in their passion for their sport, and who thus achieved exceptional performance with the hopes of gathering together with other like minded individuals in order to test themselves against the best that human beings can accomplish (healthily), to be transformed into a monstrous affirmation of global corporatization, where a single Gold Medal is meaningless, and a baker's dozen of them might only get you a few weeks of sponsorship bliss. Otherwise, a true and lasting professional career is available to NOBODY, and the next group of hapless and hopeless fodder for the corporate image makers is forever lined up just around the corner. Please, accept our apologies Marion. You were young, beautiful, smart, and talented, and we all took advantage of you.

I must add an historic footnote: When I was a kid the worst people on the planet were the Russians, and a most often quoted validation for them being the worst people on the planet was a reference to how their Olympic athletes were not actually “part time amateurs” but state sponsored “full time professionals” who were winning only because they also used drugs. Now we gladly accept the idea that our pro teams (I believe begun by the fielding of our pro basketball dream team) represents the best in human accomplishment. No wonder kids are confused.

Now the worst people on the planet are Muslims, and we are all standing around while our own religious fanatics use them as an excuse to bomb kids who might show up on the playing field.

3) The only reason I eat like I eat, is because I took a look at what the Widder eats. >>>

I was riding with the guys in Portugal, and it was near the end of one of our usual 6 hour rides. We were coming to a town line sign, and I figured it was time to show everybody what I've got, so I took off for the line.

I went hard, and I'm telling you, Bob, if ever there was a moment of glory in the world of cycling, this was definitely one of the best. My heart rate peaked. My legs were screaming. I thought my lungs were about to burst.

The slope was brutal, the sun relentless, the pace unsettling. First, Danny dropped off the back, and I redoubled my effort. This was to be my day.

Not much later George was finally gone, and it was just me and the hill. Actually, I guess people in New York would call it a mountain.

I vow to you, my friend, that it was an effort like the ones they write about. I was transported, and up ahead I could just make out the very top of the world. I would soon be sitting upon it.

I pushed harder. They were gone… gone… all of them gone.

Right then my friend Albino (pronounced "albeeno," the guy with the crazy clothes in all the pictures) pulled along side me, spinning easily, and asked in a slightly quizzical, but in no way breathless voice, "Are you trying to sprint?"

I have invited him come to New York this September. I am paying his way over, just so I can prove to myself it was only a home court advantage.

You know, Bob, I would tell you this in person, but I'm afraid you would make a story out of it.

1) 12 minutes @ 192 watts
2) 12 minutes @ 186 watts
3) 3 minutes @ 208 watts

Also, I don't know what to make of the Portugese rider with the inverted underwear over the cycling pants thing. Was he trying to draw someone's attention?

Somebody will have to mention how they make you faster because of the extra heat generated by the tight packaging. They will also have to mention how they cost more than a house and a luxury auto, before people take them seriously.

Also, I think they help keep the sheep out of the goodies, or the other way round, or something.

I almost forgot. Here's your gift:

cycling club, be faster

Cranky,

You promised never to release those. That's supposed to be part of the private, never to be released collection!

cycling club, be faster

cycling club, be faster

Palletman, "Sure do!"

"Where are they?"

"Back in my car."

"Ugh…great job, Palletman!"

Here's a gift for Toe Clip:

cycling club, be faster

B, I am so sorry!

But a week of getting my ass beat in Portugal made me a little stronger.

Don't Tread
On Turtle Boy

21.40 miles

avg speed: 27.8
avg watts: 262
time: 46:04

First off, I had to spend an hour explaining to the Widder how your 27.8 mph average had to be because you had drafting turned on, and that, no, she wasn't going to be able to do her 23+ Hump with 140 watts.

Plus, I already had it all figured out how you were only beating me because the hills are sucking up all my wattage. Now you come up with these fucking specs.

My first thought was, "I'll just beat his wattages. His fucking fancy pants hills don't help his scrawny ass there!"

My second thought was, "MOTHERFUCKER! I CAN'T BEAT THOSE WATTS... no matter how deydrated I get."

Yo, Turtle Boy, I think you just dropped your pencil. Bend over and take it like a man.

Active Recovery Day

Here is the summary:

Mary got to take the day off, but I jumped on the scale this morning and was 196.4. That is 6 lbs down from 4 days ago, so I could not take a day off, because I would lose my dehydration. It was my first day out on my own with the watt meter all to myself. Here are the results.

Warmup to bridge: 196 avg, 527 max

I am aware the warmup was almost 3 times the wattage of our standard warmup, but I was worried about losing my dehydration, plus 196 feels pretty easy for me. The 527 peak was at the beginning of the Bridge Interval, where I was not quite on the real slope yet, but I was getting setup to go.

Bridge Test North: 290 avg, 508 max

The 290 average includes a long section on the downhill over the top, because I forgot to hit the Interval after I blew myself up. The download data shows I spent most of the climb at 496 watts (and 5 seconds at 493) which probably accounts for the blowup. If Mary had been there, I would have had to work harder, but I did what was necessary to retain my current dehydration level. That way I will be able to live with myself after tomorrow’s bathroom scale attack.

Bridge Test South: 300 avg, 622 max

The 300 avg also includes the downhill after the bridge; because, once again, I was too blinded by wind whipped tears to hit the Interval. At least the tears help me maintain my dehydration.

Long Test Home: 213 avg, 436 peak

That was a 16:49 interval, and the 436 max looks like it was when a storm cloud hit me up by the big condos. In any case, holding a 213 avg is pretty easy for me… especially when there's dehydration at stake.

I like that watt meter. It has given me a whole different view of my OCD. I have already settled the watts vs. mph question, so tonight I will search the Internet for charts about watts vs. dehydration potential.

Really great to hear your team (with no reference to the team name here as the team boss no likey) used effective tactics to pull off a decisive win. It's a beautiful thing!

Similarly, the Cat 2 Kissenas also relied on some blocking, marking, and mock chasing to keep our guy in the break group away from the pack. Then, it was his own horsepower that got him the win in the final sprint.

So by the way, whatever happened to those orange bicycles?

The less said about it, the better. It is merely a distraction which no longer rises even to the level of "mildy interesting." It is ancient history of no relevance to anyone. There are elsewhere actual events of significance to be followed.

In any case, those orange bicycles were confiscated by the police, as well they should have been.

Disclaimer: Please be aware that the "bossy" mentioned above is not the famous "Boss" who is often referred to in the ChattereBox.

Though we do appreciate everybody trying to figure it out, it must be mentioned that all guesses as to what this is about will be eternally wrong and misplaced. After all, a blackout is just that, nothing more, nothing less.

Here's a special gift:

cycling club, be faster

Bethel Results

Riding the Cat 3/4 for an undisclosed team, Glenn, Joe and Andreas made numerous attacks throughout the race until the field was finally willing to let their last attack get away without a chase.

One other rider followed as Joe Straub went off the front, while Andreas and Glenn blocked. The field had been so worn down by the constant flurry of attacks, they let the two front riders go without an answer.

Andreas and Glenn just sat on the front and held the peloton back, while Joe, having learned from past mishaps, let the other rider do the bulk of the work—only to pass him at the very last moment to take the win!

Here, check these guys out. They are friends of Toe Clip. Therefore, they come highly recommended.

cycling club, be faster

cycling club, be faster

cycling club, be faster

cycling club, be faster

cycling club, be faster

cycling club, be faster

cycling club, be faster

cycling club, be faster

See what happens when you mention somebody is doing well? We refer them to an actual organization.

A 40 mile recovery ride? There's no such thing. Maybe you meant 40 minutes?

Mary, your coach has you on a speeding bus heading straight towards a town called Over-Training!!!

KdbH

I did a Google search, and although all training programs are designed specifically for week-end warriors doing nothing more than those short little criteriums, just so they can call themselves racers, the fact remains: there was no such thing as a 40 mile recovery ride!

Now there is.

Ola Mary,

Humberto´s School of Portugese Beat Downs is completed. However, we were not able to convert from kilometers to MMPH (Mary Miles Per Hour), so we do not have any statistics at this time. We can summarize with one word—ouch!

Humberto, George & Danny

#2) Glad to know the Turtle Boy School of Very Fast Banana Eating Bike Racing Camp in Portugal went well. But from the looks of it, doesn't seem they left any bananas in country.

#3) I am almost hesitant to announce that the first race in Central Park this year (that's in New York City, for all you die hard country folk) was won today in the Cat 1-2-3's by our very own latest Cat 2 Kissena recruit.

We will enjoy it while it lasts as Cat 2's from our team who shine like that usually get picked by Pro teams with money bags—case in point, one guy named George… last name Hincapie.

May our team's victory rub off on this old man, and may he place well in……… BROOKLYN!!!

cycling club, be faster

cycling club, be faster

cycling club, be faster

cycling club, be faster

cycling club, be faster

cycling club, be faster

cycling club, be faster

cycling club, be faster

See what happens when you mention one of Turtle Boy's old racing chums.

We have a grande finale of three (3) photos, not just one (1), for the ending!

Click on 21, 22, 23. >>>

SlingShot Reaches Milestone

Today I reached a major milestone for the year. I am always very excited when it happens, and it is always near the middle of each winter.

At the beginning of every winter (and previously all the fucking year), during a ride my bulbous belly causes my cycling shorts to peel back and slide down under the mass in front, thus requiring constant pulling on my waistband in order to keep my pants up.

During today's 40 mile active recovery ride, I realized my stomach is finally flat enough (a term used advisedly) so that my shorts never crumpled under the lard, but stayed right where they started—for the entire whole ride.

Even though the Widder commented, "Yeah, but your shorts are still so stretched out in back, I can see the crack of your ass," I am pumped!!!

After I read the section about how he lied to his new team, and hid the problem with his hip from the team doctor (thus endangering the careers and families of every rider on that team, plus the health and wellfare of every rider in any race he would compete in), I decided I've got better things to read.

Except, I will go back through and make a note of where every reference to wattage is found.

Could be, I merely bailed on the book after reading about avasular necrosis, when I realized it probably describes my clavicle after my crash over a half dozen years ago. I spent the rest of the night repeating, "No wonder it hurts 24/7. Let me try to forget about it again."

But most likely, I gave up on the book, because I had to conform all our goals and test results to the new download system, and plan today's ride.

We went to Fort De Soto Park where Mary posted a new cadence spin rate record of 165—recorded by actual Polar measurement, not the non-sense guesstimate of the watt meter sans sensor. [Yes, there is a sensor option for the watt meter.]

After that, she was assigned a 200 watt 10 minute interval (the tme for Hump split one) where she succeeded in posting a 198 avg watts that included a necessary slow down around the North Beach circle, because some guy on a tri-bike (whom Mary had just basted not 200 yards before) tried to cut her out of the inside curve.

Coming out of the turn I cautioned her not to give chase, but to hold her wattage, because she had 3 minutes left in order to record the attempt.

When her interval was over, I said, get on my wheel, we are going to go catch him. It took 7 miles, and after Mary jumped on the front, pulled me past him, and sat up to cool down, I latched onto his wheel for the next 6 or so miles and would not be dropped.

When I thanked him for the pull and turned to go back for Mary he said, "Oh! I thought you were somebody else. I passed some guy back there who was not very nice."

At the time, I assumed he was talking about some other asshole, but after I thought it over, I realized that's pretty much the way everybody sees the Widder… a guy, and an asshole.

Good thing Mr. Tri-bike had aero-bars, or we would have caught him too fast and not had any fun at all.

The rest of the evening I have been passed out on the couch.

Was it my imagination, or did Floyd seem to be totally unaware of the cycling industry til someone (half) ghost wrote his book for him?

BTW: Mary's 198 watts avg, out and back through a side wind, gave us a 20.99 mph avg for the distance, and that almost exactly bisects the cross hairs prediction on our simplified graph.

We are doin' it, dude. We are doin' it.

The final paragraph at the bottom of page 80 has the phrase, "as they days went on." It should correctly read, "as the days went on."

SlingShot also contends he would have placed a comma (,) between "looming, and" in the second line down from the one mentioned above.

However, we think the second edit might be at best merely a judgement call, and at worst nit picking.

I just finished the part where Floyd snapped off his hip, and went on to ride anyway. At that point, I thought of an exercise for everybody to do the moment they read that part of the book.

Grab hold of all the Tour de France videos that you can get your hands on. Watch them until you have a refined internal visual image of the size of the peloton. Factor in this: those in the peloton are but a small percentage of the vast number of riders who could be there if not for this and that series of happenings, and add that group into your mental image of the peloton's size.

Ok, got that image in your head? Then realize this.

Each and every person in that group has pretty much the exact same story in their background as the one told by Floyd. They just don't write it down (with or without ghost writing help), and it never gets published, and it is a story they only ever recount to themselves.

In any case, I'm trying to read the whole book, but it's been a long time since I could read anything that I did not feel was giving me exact, precise, and immediately useful information. So far, I have found very little about watts during workouts, logical reasons why things didn't work out when they didn't work out, nothing about the training table and who might be handing whom vitamins.

The other thing I have noticed, which I have found in every other cycling book by champions, is that they never talk about all the books they were reading for fun during their training. For some reason, it always seems they are focused on riding, not on reading about it, or talking about it, or showing up at G's after a ride in order to slam down shots.

I'll probably have to write a whole article on why drugs are bad, and worse yet stupid, and how maybe the only thing worse is summed up pretty good on the inside front cover flap of Floyd's book:

"…the inner workings of the cycling world—a place where athletes are subject to the antiquated science, flawed interpretive protocols, and draconian legal processes of the anti-doping angencies…"

Many, many years ago, I myself could not even find a definitive list of the substances which are banned. I have also read accounts how the French and British soccer teams are always pissed off at each other because creatine is legal in England (and the U.S), but it is illegal in France. Whenever the two teams compete, the Brit's are considered instrinsically doping.

But that's a whole 'nother article that would include an entry from the most comprehensive list I ever found which mentions: caffeine, and which would explain the number of years I would not even drink coffee, nor eat chocolate, nor any flavor Gu but the vanilla.

.

I'd previously enjoyed all the Lance books, but I've been reading the text books this winter thanks to Toe Clip. Perhaps I should read Floyd to get a perspective, because I'm stuck on guilty… and then Marion Jones really went and burst my bubble. Everybody STOP cheating!!! You are ruining things!

Widder better not dope on her 23+ Widder's Hump!!

See also: the last four paragraphs in post #2510 above.

So... THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, ddoT.

I got home from B&N, grabbed the book, sat down and skimmed through, looking for watts info. So far, I found the description of that massive stage win with watts given on page 167 and 169. It is fucking incredible to finally see a statement of objective external measurement for one of those "greatest moments in cycling history" episodes.

Fucking incredible to know full well EXACTLY what is being described.

Floyd says, "…I was cranking above 500 watts for a few seconds, so I settled down into a ten-minute effort at 430 watts, not quite as hard as my rest-day climb at 460 watts."

That sure put my 02/12/08 Clearwater Bridge climb into perspective. At the bottom, I had already hit 525 watts before the full slope was reached. Although that ride was before we were downloading data, my notes mention that I saw 600+ at the 3/4 mark, and 633 when I blew. All the while Mary was holding a modest 300 watts.

Now, having seen Landis tell of a 280 watt average for Stage 17 (page 169), I really understand what my 260 to 290 watts (that I was holding after having blown on the return climb) really means. I finally know precisely why I fucking hurt so fucking much on so fucking many rides… that is to say: all of them.

I also have a really great way to explain power to weight ratio to people in order to encourage them to take off a few pounds, "If you would prefer not to take off the weight, you can do like me and routinely have a close to world class performance according to your effort while getting dropped by losers on every fucking hill longer than a football field!"

I occurs to me that the Landis success might not have been just because of the drugs, but due to his careful attention to staying calm and collected by paying close attention to (and obeying) his watt meter.

I am also more sure than ever we are on the money with the Widder's 23+ Hump.

Thanks again Todd… and again thanks.

BTW: In case you don't have a watt meter, 500 watts is for sure nowhere near to a 700 lb leg press, no matter what type leg press machine.

And as an aside, I assume Floyd's watt meter is extremely, extremely important to him during a race, because our experience is that it shaves off a mile or two per hour due to the added weight, etc. The jury is still out whether Mary will use it while doing her Widder's Hump, or swap it out for a standard wheel on test day, because her 23+ Hump is likely to be a closer to the upper limits of human capacity than are any dozen or so stage wins in the Tour de France.

She might need every possible speed advantage, and might not be able to absorb the hit in pace as easily as Landis did on his own ride.

In any case, the best part of the next book on your agenda is a section where Cheryl Crowe shows up with a cold and everyone dives into a bunker when they hear her sniffling. I just went through the same thing in Border's Books while looking for the Landis book. The place sounded like a TB clinic, and I kept thinking of my three weeks off with a cold last year which turned into a year of broken dreams.

I didn't find the book, so walked out, sprayed myself down with a little sterilizing spritzer I now carry around with me everywhere, and went across the street to Barnes & Noble, where the clientele was more upscale, and the book was found.

Don't forget to get Bobke II after the Lance book.

Is D.B. Haley really in Portugal? Sort of like self torture that anyone else would even agree to go under those circumstances.

Our understanding is that he is elsewhere far, far away.

BTW: ARC is currently looking for somebody who can more adequately train ants to do as they are told.

Remember the NYC based Shimano photoshoot I was aking for any brave takers? Apparantly, this was for real.

Bicycling Mag's Buyers Guide Issue has one of our Kissena guys (on p43) for their custom shoe!That coulda been any one of you 700lb leg pressing, power meter burning, carbon frame cracking, 23+ Hump riding prima donnas, male or female.

So yeah, they hype it up a bit. I thought the cool part was that once the lead group was back to 5 men, and they started playing games with each other, the peloton closed at a very fast rate with Astana doing all the work— and for no good reason!

They had the race in the bag already. It was fun to watch the pack get close at the end, but even better to watch George grab a win for his new team.

I think they estimated the crowd at something like 1.7 million spectators for the length of the tour, and that's healthy for cycling in general, and especially cycling in America.

I hope to go watch it someday.

In the future, I hope there'll be watt meters on everybody's bike with a readout posted on the TV screen.

It will be interesting to hear Roll say, "Man, they still can't close in on that 15 seconds, and they are working like dogs," while we watch everybody's meters show 180 watts. Then when the leader finally pops and drops to 130 watts, it will be fun to watch Hincapie pounce and make it look like he's going fast with only 250 watts in his legs.

By the description (and the video) one might assume the leader was still going 30, and Hincapie sprinted over 70… no more unlikely than someody finishing the Hump over 25.

Here's an idea. Don't go watch it. Go ride with them. Here's a better idea. Don't go ride with them. Go kick their asses.

Lots of drama with Levi and team Astana winning the overall, and still no invite to the Tour De France—thanks in part to the number of riders caught doping on that team last year.

You should probably work on the requisite skills just in case. Here is the main requirement.

You must become perfectly adept at giving the appearance of total astonishment when some lunkhead makes the totally stupid move of breaking away from the breakaway with 26 miles left to the finish.

You must be able to hold that state of asonishment for the half hour including edits and commercial breaks, peppering your commentary with little gems of colorful language about how this move is unheard of, how it is unbelievably brave, how that rider is sure to be numbered among the greats. You must slowly build excitement over the rider's obvious and unexpected superiority as he manages to stay away from the dogging mob. You must make this scenario absolutely seamless, fresh, and believable, despite the fact that this is exactly the way every bike race in the history of cycling has progressed.

I know that seems like a daunting task, but it is really not so hard to do, because everybody watching is aware of the laws of physics and knows the sucker will be caught (most likely within the last kilometer) when the riders who have not been total idiots decide it's time to go catch him. Yes, everyone watching will know for a certainty there can be no other possible ending, but everyone watching will also wish nothing more than to see it happen, so they are quite willing to believe it is happening… just like a geek likes to think starship transporters are real.

The only hard part of maintaining the commentary described above is in the keeping of the straight face during your final incredulous gasp about how the rider was finally caught (like it wasn't a forgone conclusion from the very start) while avoiding any mention of the fact that if the person ever did manage to stay away they would only be calling attention to themselves and triggering the drug test scrutiny which would prove it only happened because they were doping.

It has always been that way, with never the slightest variation, so you can study by merely memorizing commentaries from old footage of Liggitt and Roll. Actually, I guess you only have to study one, because they are all exactly the same.

Please, learn the dialogue well, because believing it is real is about the only thing that keeps me going.

Ok, PCP, start whining for doughnuts.

Chuckie is skiing in Ottawa. Apparently he is planning to do the Ididntrod.

BTW: Levi wins the Time Trial. We still don't have results on who wins the drug test afterwards.

I realized after the post I wasn't the last to hit the DiVo. You can take it out on us on the Hump this summer.

This spring would be too easy and not as satisfying.

Hope you realize P'man's going to go all whiney on us for ruining the ending on him.

Slinger- ahh…Carl Hiaasen. Anyone ever tell you that you remind them of him? Well, consider yourself told.

ddoT, how much of a handicap are you giving SlingShot on the leg press? I want in on this wager.

As for your second paragraph, nobody has mentioned Carl Hiaasen before, but Sharon drew parallels to Dave Barry when I showed her the Spin Bitch article. Of course, she's dead now. Hit that tractor and all. Be careful.

No wager needed on the leg press. Here are the official results:

ddoT has kicked my ass, and my ass is going to stay kicked.

Additionally, I fucked up yesterday and allowed the Widder an extra 15 watts on the Clearwater Bridge climb, and she kicked my ass even worse than ddoT.

Of course, I was pulling minimally 200 watts more than she was (even on the more gently sloped start), but the necessity of doing it for 98 reps in quick rotation eventually caused a big fat LOSER to be pasted over my name on the leader board. I've got charts and graphs coming on that one soon.

BTW: You might have noticed on that comparison to Hiaasen, Barry, etc that everybody who writes on this website compares very favorably to those guys.

Mama Bianchi, Dr. Art, D.B., Nuclear Dan, Twin Lynn, yourself, Pretty Boy, BLASTER, Ryan, Georgie Girl (when she's around), ddoT, FG, Toe Clip, Turtle Boy, Zirra, P'man, Gapper, Catskills John, Download Kim, Widder, Chuckie, Parveen, Joe Straub, etc, etc. Not to mention all the people whose casual conversation I plagiarize every chance I get.

All in the same league.

And just so we don't get in an Obama Xerox situation, here's what I learned in a college Contemporary Literature course:

Amateurs imitate.
The professional steals.

Afterwards, I found a picture which may be the same sort of device on Wikipedia and linked it at right.

The 45 degree angle (not the sitting position of course, but the angle the weight guides follow up) is basically a hill slope, so I went back to the climb watts caclutor and found that in order to match the same amount of effort for a 700 lb lift at 100% slope on a leg machine with a 45% helper slope of the sort shown, you would have to use a little more than 1200 lbs.

Which is all irrelevant. Except for comparison of lifts, you would want to compare your own performance to world class lifters on the exact same type machine.

To get the full URL for the image you tried to link: go find it again, right click on the image, click Properties, and on the line labled Address left click the top left of the accompanying text and pull all the way down and to the right in order to highlight the entire URL (all of which might not be visible but can me highlighted as described), the hit CTL-C and move to where you want to paste it and hit CTL-V. Nothing to it.

In the old days, a leg press machine was basically taking a weight lifting bench and sticking it under a squat rack in order to push the weight up with your legs.

Nowadays, I've seen a lot of leg press machines that enhance the lifters ergonomic position, and then add geegaws to move the weight. Sometimes it's at an angle, sometimes it's with pulleys.

Not that it's important one way or another, whether your 700 lb leg press is merely nominal, or actually 700 lbs straight up in the air with no mechanical advantage. The only thing important is that it's the exact same amount of resistance each time, so when you come back to it next week after your recovery, and after munching on your Steroid Chocolate Nut Crunches or Creatine Thick Shakes, or whatever your favorite snack food is, and you can press 701.5 lbs, you will know for sure you are improving.

However, for my own edification, I would just like to know exactly how much weight you are doing in a straight-up no-help position, so I can plug it into my calculations.

I am planning this year's workouts, and I want to know precisely how far a head start I am going to have to give myself in order to beat you on the Hump.

I was just in street clothes (T-shirt and shorts) and the sun had spouted a little geyser of sweat on my left cheek, and I thought, "Man, it's hot. I don't know if I can go for a ride today."

Then I realized that walking in the 80 degree sun in street clothes is something quite different from riding your bike in a 20 mile an hour wind tunnel while wearing clothes specifically designed to wick away moisture and cool the body.

I think an easy 40 on the trail will be fine for today.

By the way, on the upper left hand corner of that link, the local weather shows currently 82 degrees with a forcast high of 86. I have only one word to say to that: BROOKLYN!

Maybe you mistunderstood the point of my linking to that article.

I never meant to imply that Floriduhns resembled my family, although I can understand your confusion… wait you've never seen my folks, how'd you come up with that perfect description?

I believe Turtle Boy and his crew is in Brooklyn right now. There's a photo of them hooked on to post #2463.

However, after JO's posting (#2447) about the Floriduh school system's plans to finally start teaching evolution, Widder found this article about it in a small local paper. I had her look up the original article for a snow day.

You may think it was written by SlingShot, because it is that good, but it was not. >>>

The user files for PowerAgent are stored in: C:\Documents and SettingsUserName\.poweragent\, that is the folder that should be backed up.

Anyone's guess is as good as anyone else's whether that folder will actually be able to be restored after a system failure. Though, I did pull everything out of that folder, start the program, found all the user data gone, closed the program, put the stuff back in the folder, opened the program again, and all the data was restored.

I hate computers.

In order to save data filtering elements such as deleted false start intervals, and renamed intervals, you must also add a couple letters to the monolithic "Notes" field then click "Save" which will save both the edited note plus any changes made to the interval names. Each time you need to enable that "Save" button you must enter at least 2 new characters in the Note field. Adding a single character will not toggle the button back on.

I haven't a clue why the interval "Save" function is disabled. Maybe there's a Premium Version in which it is functional.

This is all a bit of a fudge, but it does make the software almost useful. Oh yeah, also you should first export the downloaded files to a csv for archiving, then work from copies which have been imported just to be safe.

After we finished today's 8 really hard intervals of varying length, three strong male (all legs shaved) riders passed us during our spin home.

Fortunately, they made the fatal error of chirping, "Hi guys," as they passed, so I gave Widder permission to chase after we gave them a 200 yard head start.

When we caught them, Mary learned more about her performance (and what I've been talking about) by comparing her wattages on their hurky jerky 24 mph pace to the wattages she has learned to control in our workouts than she has learned about cycling in the last five years.

Still, the software sucks. Well, not so much sucks as has so very far to go. My first suggestion would be to add a "Save Snapshot" function, plus an interval specific note field, and of course an assured process for restoring ALL the data after a complete system failure. After that, they could pretty much shut down development and start basking in the glory of having provided an excellent product.

I finally got Mary's specs up to a level that warranted downloading the information onto the computer and learning how to use that interface.

Guess what? There is no way to filter the data (such as deleting false start intervals), then saving it for future review. No wonder I couldn't figure out the file system in order to know what files should be backed up. Basically, they don't exist.

At first I thought it was just a problem with the export function, when all the name changes for intervals (to keep track of which was which), plus the deletions (of junk false starts), did not export to the csv file.

However, I eventually gave up, stepped away from the computer for a frustrated while, came back, re-opened the software and found that even the software itself doesn't retain that information on closing the program. It doesn't even retain the "notes" entries. I lost about an hour's worth of work.

Fortunately, I've been around computers long enough to know exactly what things need to be addressed first, so I didn't waste weeks on this.

Given the way the software works, I would expect seeing a large number of promotional photos showing how the pros are using this device (in fact The Widder already found a photo of a boxfull of watt meters for Slimpstream), but we will just have to pass all that on over to more cycling who's got the drugs nonsense.

No serious trainer is going to waste a minute massaging data that cannot be easily archived… especially when riders are already so easy to convince that they are being given Vitamin B12 injections.

About all Toe Clip has time to read right now is April15 + April15 -April15 = April15. All work and no play makes Toe Clip a dull boy.

Enjoy fellas!

There has been an uproar, because the locals do not want the word evolution even mentioned in classes, "Let the kids decide for themselves whether or not the earth was created in 6 days and is no more than 6000 years old."

Oh, and the real way to tell them apart is see who goes for the Doughnut.

If I had my druthers, I'd never have to hear the word Castro again… nor Bush, nor Clinton for that matter. It's all the same thing.

By the way, The leg presses are now over 700 lbs as of last night, and that's on the fourth set of ten rep's, not a one shot max out. Now I just have to figure out how to ride the leg press machine on Saturdays.

Actually, no need to ride the leg press machine on the Hump. You are doing fine. All you need to do is bring your sets down to one, and your rep's up to 8,280. That shouldn't be so hard, you will have an hour and a half to to get them all in.

In any case, we got a photo of SlingShot working on technique.

Otherwise, despite your temporary experience of today, the leg presses are very helpful for your cycling, plus running, swimming, and other Iron Man type activities… not to mention the added value when you actually do have to kick somebody in the ass.

Also, when we used to do the Maniac Rides on Thursday's starting at Round Hill School in Washingtonville, Scott Macmillin showed up with an elevation showing we were doing something like 1200 feet of climbing. He might have a similar understanding of the Hump.

Also, there are elevation maps available somewhere, such as the ones Chuckie used to find Glade Hill Road, so Gapper might also have knowledge about this sort of thing.

Zipper should be easy to track down, and I'm sending you Scott's e-mail address via a private channel. This is the most exciting question anybody has ever placed in the ChatterBox.

Overheard at Turtle Boy Computrainer School, "Gee, Humberto, I don't know what you did to me today, but my ass is killing me."

I didn't drink a thing. I ground myself to a nub. And I got so fucking dehydrated I took of 6 lbs and had the chills, but I still couldn't give myself cramps. How does Toe Clip do it?

I would never put a damper on Toe Clip's spirits by mentioning how far over the hill he is. Here's what I would say:

Toe Clip, don't you worry about any of the negative nonsense you hear from Cranky and all her cynical little friends. Don't give your advancing age a second thought. Don't even try to compare your own performance to ddoT's. Things will work out for you if you just work hard, eat the right food, and mind your own splits. >>>

With regards to my leg cramps: They started 2 weeks ago. I had to back off a bit, take some clacium/ mag. /zinc supplements as well as load up on bananas and rehydrate.

Ten days later I was back as good as new, so I got back to my regular routine and slacked off on the supplement remedy. Yesterday, the cramps came back after an hour and a half into a session. So I'm back on the remedy. We'll see what happens today.

I'll be over in a minute, but please…. no voodoo remedy, maybe just a little witchcraft.

We almost had something.

Our friend Nuclear Dan Buckley once had dreams of competing in the 500, and he even went so far as to go to a driving class.

Unfortunately, he was pushed out of the driver's seat by a truly horrible circumstance. >>>

I've never posted here before, but I have been reading along and watching the Widder's progress. I showed this stuff to some trainers and other athletes I know, and they agree that the fundamentals are sound, plus the unique and creative approach you have taken in helping Mary is exceptional.

My question: Do you ever plan on offering this sort of instruction and training as a service? If so when?

It is merely a 23+ Hump (1:29:13.04, line to line) which is merely a time that can be achieved by any average competitive rider, on an average modern racing bike, wearing average appropriate riding attire, but with strong commitment, and exceptional instruction.

[Either self taught through careful review of the literature, or having somebody help through the particulars.]

It will also be accomplished without an audience, probably on a day when nobody even knows it is about to happen. It is for the Widder's satisfaction alone. There will be no audience, no fans, no judges, no nothing—just Mary and the course. The technical term for this is self actualization.

However, we may be showing up for various Early Bird Specials etc for reconnaissance and test loops while working out the final details of the course elements and performance requirements.

The only way anybody is going know that it has happened is if we tell them. The only way they will believe it is if they have a brain in their head. We really don't care if anybody else on the planet ever even hears about it. Mary will know she did it, and that's all she needs.

When I started putting my notes about it online, Mary asked, "With all the nonsense on American Road Cycling how are people going to know this is real?"

I said, "They won't… well, actually those with a brain will know, because the training program will be obviously correct to anybody who knows enough about cycling and athletics in general to know the truth when they see it."

You should have seen her stark look of realization when I continued, "Look, the only way to get 100% total recognition for accomplishment (and belief in its truth) would be to do something so incredibly far outside the realm of expectation that nobody could deny it. You know, something like winning the Tour de France seven times. Then people would have to believe you are capable."

And no, that's not when she had the stark look of realization. At that point she just nodded yes. Her epiphany happened a microsecond later when I finished, "Right? Ok… did Lance take the drugs, or not?"

Did we land on the moon? Was the world created in seven days? Have we been left on this planet by space beings?

We live in a world where people believe some guy got executed more than 2000 years ago, but he didn't die, and he's waiting for us in heaven, for after our own death.

They are also certain that their belief gives them the right to kill people who do not believe.

People will believe anything. Therefore, they will disbelieve anything.

We can only train for a ride, ride it, and monitor our own success.

Toe Clip, come'on over, and we'll feed you potassium and magnesium to get rid of those cramps.

How can you get cramps in the winter time anyway? And what the hell are you bringing up Broke Back Brooklyn already for? People aren't even back from Snow Birdin' long enough yet to have their Brooklyn Vibe goin' on. Patience my man, Patience.

As for the Brooklyn references, Toe Clip absolutely must begin mentioning it now. If he doesn't give people plenty of warning, nobody will have enough time to come up with excuses.

Actually, 1 yard/sec is closer to 2 miles an hour, so I plugged in 100% grade, 2 mph, 600 lbs, and got 1680.086 watts.

In any case, I have had direct experience (on Heart Attack Hill) about how power to weight ratio is a pretty significant factor on a cycling climb. I could leg wrestle the Widder into a crumpled heap any day of the week, and yet I couldn't gain an inch on her at the top of Heart Attack, even when I was fresh, strong, and only 175 lbs. The bitch.

Zirra, who squats 1000 lbs, had a similar experience in Harriman last summer. Of course, ddoT's goal does not include kicking Mary's ass on Heart Attack. He has bigger fish to fry which includes some running and swimming besides. He is well on his way.

The Widder merely plans to time trial a 23+ Hump. She is also well on her way.

Hop back on your hookah, asshole.

Of course I am a genius, and you guys ain't.

Look what that number implies. Watt meters on bicycles are measuring the watts post leveraging via the crank, chain, and cassette assembly, because the Widder is definitely not pumping enough watts in her pedals to equal a 600lb leg press. And sure as shootin' SlingShot did not hit almost 4 times that on his Clearwater Bridge climb the other day.

It also might imply: 1) Your first simple math calculation to derive 1 m/s out of mi/h is fucked, or 2) you are an idiot for trying to do a calculation without knowing how.

Ddot, that'll be you someday!

Who said that would NOT be ddoT someday?

BTW: Sorry I couldn't scout the stretch of hill work you had asked, as I haven't been by those neck of the woods by myself much.

On an aside, I'm dealing with leg cramps right now and it has affected my training schedule. I may have to put off my first spring race for a couple of weeks.

One last thing, I am of the belief that the black widow should seriously consider official women's races. (I won't say like the ones in Brooklyn or even Central park because I wouldn't to hear your shreik all the way from the sunshine state.)

Can you say Bethal Spring Series??

Don't worry about the Cross Road hill specs. For some reason Twin Lynn went wacky and told us the truth.

If you don't mind my making a suggestion, I think I can clear up them leg cramps for you. Ok? Now, you can take this advice or not, because I know you study this shit and are not a total idiot about it, but in this case I believe I may have a certain understanding of the situation which may be of help. Remember, I don't want to insult you, but if you are amenable to taking a small bit of advice from someone you barely know… well, let me just say it. Stop doing leg presses with ddoT. My guess is them leg cramps will clear up in short order.

I know it's supposed to be cold in NY, but I'm sure it's not nearly the state of freezing-over which would be required for the Widder to risk life and limb in a group of riders she neither knows nor cares about.

Besides, she's got considerably bigger fish to fry than those little races over in Bethel. She's working on a 23+ Widder's Hump. It's a time trial of sorts, and much more prestigious.

Otherwise, great to hear you mention Brooklyn. Truly, can spring be so very far off, after you have shown that hope springs eternal?

PCP, tell Coach Troy to kiss my ass would ya. You need to ditch the 58 degree basement and come to my house when I have the woodstove cranked up, and it's 90 degrees in the living room.

ddoT, when you get your woodstove glowing translucent red, do you put some rocks on it and toss on little ladles of water while you're working out?

PCP, grab your birch twigs with fresh leaves and high tail it over to ddoT's, so you can thrash him like a rented mule.

Everybody, must you always leave it to ddoT to catch these fuck-ups. No, maybe not. Probably all of you actually believed that 25 mph avg nonsense.

Now I've got Mary convinced the only thing important is a 1:29:13.04 Hump, line to line. It's the only thing she ever talks or thinks about.

I did fuck up and give her my secret formula to cycling, but she swears she won't tell anybody.

She said, "Let me get it straight: the fewest possible watts per mile an hour, the fewest possible heart beats per watt, the least amount of effort per heart beat. Ok, I won't tell a soul."

I'm not sure what your game is, but I'll figure it out.

Also, stop at the deli and have a doughnut.

By the way, don't work too hard in the basement. We are just making up this whole 23+ Hump thing on the website. We aren't even riding our bikes. We just get up every morning, go over to the mall, have capuccinos, then go to the matinee to eat candy and popcorn.

That photo of Mary is just Photoshopped. I know what you're thinking, but she just forgot to take out the old skin.

Off to the 17 degree HUMP this am, hope I come back with everything intact.

In any case, check your trip computer at the bottom of the hill to Cross Road, and give us a report on how long that hill is: from the spot the hill grabs you, until the turn onto Cross Road.

Also, don't blame us for the 17 degree HUMP. It is our understanding this is the fault of Coach Troy, or something like that.

BTW: what ever happened to Georgy Girl? Bob must have scared him away I figure.

I checked the weblogs for awhile, but never saw Georgy Girl's IP show up. My guess was that she had an actual life and interests… very much unlike the people who never stopped being all over this site like a cheap pants suit, even when it was shut down.

I don't bother with the weblogs anymore. So it's anybody's guess.

Our friend Nuclear Dan Buckley once had dreams of competing in the 500, and he even went so far as to go to a driving class.

Unfortunately, he was pushed out of the driver's seat by a horrible circumstance. >>>

In fact the results seem to imply that the other charts were predicated on the assumption of riding in the drops or a solidly aero-position. >>>

By the way, how have your hemorroid treatments gone? I have a friend with the same problem.

Sorry to hit that nerve. Personally, I never thought your teeth were that bad, but I have noticed people looking at them.

Thank you for the referral to the dentist. He is great!

He checked every tooth in my mouth, and every time he checked a new tooth he said, "Oh, God."

He saved the full report on his computer, and for now he is going to give me a temporary fix, because I'm going to cycling winter camp in Portugal with Turtle Boy on the 22nd. When I get back I'm going to be getting the BFugett Dental Special.

I am getting a lawyer for the other dentist. I never did that to anybody, and I feel bad, but he really fucked me.

The first dentist in NY to look at my teeth exclaimed, "Holy motherfucking kripes! What country are you from?"

When I said, "I'm from Ohio," he said, "No, really. You can tell me. I'm not going to turn you in," and I explained, "No, really. Ohio."

Therefore, I assume by the Bfugett Dental Special you mean you are getting every single tooth in your head restructured, and you will be spending a lot of time over the next several years on the Dr. Gulak waterboard.

You are going to love it.

About that lawyer for the other dentist, make sure you ask the person who referred you to the other dentist what lawyer they would recommend. It's always good to discount choices quickly.

BTW: You know Twin Lynn also goes to Dr. Gulak. We all have to give Widder credit for finding him. She found him online. I just added him to the Sponsor's (Not) page, and here's his website. >>>

Plus it has been brought to our attention far too many bogus innapropriate nothing to do with cycling corporate kits have been showing up in the Hump parking lot. >>>

Due to my close proximity to mediocre (you can see on the meter), I have often felt that with a slight chemical boost I might reach not only the next level but actually surge past it all the way up to average.

However, I have carefully reviewed the matter, and quite frankly, average is rather unlikely and mediocrity is not that important to me.

Is that your blood pressure, or your blood glucose level? Either way, you better see a doctor, STAT!!---->>>

As for the other matter, that is neither my blood pressure, nor my glucose level. That just happens to be absolutely irrefutable proof positive that if I work real hard, and over a period of a few more years, I may achieve mediocrity yet.

I'll keep the bike for myself afterward, make it my main ride, and give you $200 cash.

That's one of my final offers.

But you don't have to buy me a shit bike. I will just ride my Meivici, or maybe Dangerous's bike. They are both around that price.

Ok, here goes round two.

I'll buy you the crap bike and pay you $100 cash when you complete the chore. I'm guessing it should be the easiest 100 bucks of your life.

BTW: I think your English may be a little rusty. It appears you have confused the word "price" with the word "quality."

This morning we were going over the new charts and figures. With the new graph I am now 100% confident we have Mary working in the right area for her 23+ Widder's Hump, so I began thinking about the next project.

I know you've been watching the calculation process, so you know it is solid and true no-bullshit logic, and the real world facts support it.

I was going to do this myself, but then I realized we could save everybody time if I contracted you to do it.

So here's my offer of a sponsorship:

I will buy you a $200 piece of shit road bike from Wal-Mart, and document your Hump when you ride a 23+ average (1:29:13.04 line to line) on a piece of crap bike from a degenerate big-box store.

How's about it? You game?

Just in case people missed the new graph, I put a link over here. >>>

Today SlingShot stepped out the back door in Floriduh and caught the Widder cheating on her training program by practicing exercises given to her by Humberto.

It is unknown how this divergence from the plan will affect her 23+ Hump attempt, but that's not the point.

These are the high stress intervals that Humberto uses during competitive group rides to give himself an actual workout.

He stops at opportune moments, does the exercises while the group goes on, then redoubles his riding effort in order to overtake the group and perform the intervals again. They are very akin to cross-training and are probably illegal in International competition.

When SlingShot walked out the back door and saw Mary doing them, he knew exactly where they came from, and ducked back inside to grab the camera in order to document her transgression. >>>

You should also show what happens when somebody gives you a ride nutrition gel you can't eat, but you throw it in your saddle bag for a year or two.

It's the sort of thing that might be mistaken for evidence of Berto Squat Intervals being performed, but it ain't. >>>

She's never been around me without her fancypants hills.

Plus, see if you can get Toe Clip to go out for a reconnaissance ride, and have him report the length of the hill just before cross road (from the point it steals your pace), and how long it takes to get to the top at some speed or another.

After that, tell him to stop reading, and give him the rest of the doughnuts.

Actually, I don't really care about Widder v. Cranky. I won't be anywhere around to witness it. I'll be about three miles back.

What I'm looking forward to is witnessing the spanking that Mama will no doubt be dishing out upon your saggy ass.

What has Cranky got to do with any of this anyway? Just like the Widder, she's got her program and is sticking to it. >>>

Tour of California starts Feb. 17th!

We watched the intro to the race yesterday. They showed some old footage, and then introduced everybody who will be accused of doping in a few weeks.

Black Widow: stay on track for the 23+ Hump. Just Do It. (Drop Paris.)

I pulled the last six mile cool down and her watt meter showed a 440 at some point… of which she was totally unawares.

Bitch is getting strong and, more to the point, efficient.

Do you happen to know who that Palandrome or P'mattress (or whatever his name is) is?

After a considerable amount of time, Steve Jinks pointed out that all of SlingShot's calculations were off because he hadn't factored in the Black Widow riding with Paris Hilton… it was at this point that the conversation turned to PCP's new Mavic wheels.

Forget 23+ mph, I'm just hoping the seatpost holds up.

See it? It's down there in the basement. That thing covered in cobwebs.

ddoT, could you come in here and give us a hand, please? Show Cranky where her trainer is.

BTW: Cranky we hear you've been helping Toe Clip with his stretching exercises. >>>

Makes you proud to be part of it, doesn't it?

Not that she or anybody else really cares one way or another, but here's what she's up against. >>>

You already did.

ddoT is hereby authorized to enlist Toe Clip's help to come over and slap all you fuckers senseless.

And yes, Toe Clip, that is me, Sr. Ursala. At one point in my life it occurred to me that I could have become a nun and I would have enjoyed whooping the others into shape. Kind of like that picture with the ruler.

Cranky, I truly don't know how to respond, because I still can't believe that's the new you! Well, I'll still stand by you. You can train me.

On the other hand, you can try what our latest team trainer has been doing after he got a new promotion taking time away from coaching: send a surrogate on a regular basis, and hope nobody notices.

The hell with it, just come as you are.

One semester in college, I was the Assistant to the Assistant to the Coach for a Tennis and Handball P.E. class. Of course, the Coach never showed up. So that meant I was the Assistant to the person who would be teachig the class. Except he also never showed up, so I was the instructor.

Unfortunately, I had only ever played tennis twice in my life, so the night before classes I'd go to the library, read through the books on coaching tennis, put together a lesson plan, show up, give the lecture, and say, "Here, let me show you. Fred, you're pretty good with serving, you demonstrate while I explain."

At least I learned how to play handball, and a whole lot of people who would have failed the class passed it, because I signed-in anybody who didn't show up… on the theory that if the Coach, and the Assistant Coach weren't even bothering, why should these people get kicked out of college for not attending.

I also learned that three laps around four tennis courts is about 3 and a half laps too many for most people to run. My thought was, "Well, at least I'll get them in a little better shape." Two laps into it, I realized I did not want to be responsible for people dying before their 10 o'clock, so I sent them to the showers.

There was a reward for me, however.

For years afterward I used to win two tennis games from new acqauintences after I told them, "You know, I used to teach tennis in college," and before they figured out my total inability was not a tactical ruse, but a solid fact.

I'm sure Cranky will be welcome in your class, because she has got a whole new look. >>>

Legal Notice: No e-mails, cards, or letters, please. The comment above is repeated for comedic effect only; and, by stating it, American Road Cycling does not mean at all to imply, insinuate, attest, intimate, import, or suggest in any way whatsoever that Mr. Mitt Romney is not a douchebag. We know full well that he is.

Do you think I should wear matching shorts with my trainer outfit in my next interview?

Then I stayed on her wheel while she posted a new personal best max of 578 on the return loop. I told her three weeks ago that I thought she'd get over 600 before we leave, and now she's starting to believe it.

Only problem was some motherfucking Scientologist convention fucking up traffic.

You'd think there'd be enough stupid ass religions to go around without people having to run out and make up there own. Looks like the new EST.

So one might ask, "Why the multiplication times six point two? Could that be my air pressure constant I've been looking for? Wouldn't one expect it to have cosine or something like that attached to it?" And one might spend the next hour confirming, "Oh, that's just the number of the formula." [Probably left over from when they expected to write an actual book with editing prior to publication.]

Seems the text was written for skimming: "Look kids! Charts, graphs, and forumlas. This must be saying something! If somebody quotes it, I'm going to believe them. How much are those wheels in the window? They're shiny."

If John McCain actually becomes President, just shoot yourself in the head. If Huckabee's the one, pull the trigger twice.

If Hillary wins, just flee the country and look for someplace that's never heard of us. If Obama wins… well, don't worry about that. That might be kind of interesting, so that means it is unlikely to happen.

I have never ever voted for anybody who actually became President, except for once, and I have been embarrassed about it ever since.

Anyhoo, the only problem with Obama winning will be enduring 4 or 8 years of people saying, "This country has become an Obama nation."

You know, there are those delusional among us who really do believe that ARC does not remain at the ready. >>>

Thank you, Toe Clip, for saying it could not be. In fact, my calibrated and controlled observation of a rather large sampling period revealed that mine is somewhat lower.

One page states 160 watts for 20 mph, another page charts it around 180 watts, another page states 250 watts for 18.6, and all the references are out of whack with that table you found in that original article.

A kinder thought would be that all this work was done before a usable watt meter was available that could measure an actual ride.

Sort of like how GAAP (Generally Accepted Accounting Principles) were developed long before computers existed, and therefore most of what GAAP is about turns out to be merely double entry techniques meant as double checks against numbskull accoutants. Totally worthless if you only want to know: 1) How much did spend? 2) How much did I make? 3) How much do I have?

If you ever called anybody on the nonsense in this book, you would only get, "You don't understand. It's not the poppycock that is important. Nor is it the balderdash. It is the interpolation of the balderdash against the poppycock which will make you faster. Don't bother looking for it... I have your wallet."

In any case, I think this should take care of it. >>>

In the meantime, I found this:

After today's workout, I'll be refining that formula even further by factoring out the values that are inconsequential. By that, I mean the ones that should be quoted in dollar signs for clarity sake.

Obviously, ddoT was fucking with us. He knows exactly what's going on, but apparently Doug Allen is clueless. He wrote e-mail to Mary this morning asking if we've been riding!!!

Next time he shows up for Computrainer school, show him this. >>>

We are almost certain you have seen this. >>>

I plugged in figures for SlingShot and the Widder with regard to the Clearwater Bridge test.

The bridge appears to be a 10% grade, so by plugging in 10.5 mph, and her 145 lbs (considering her bike, clothes, skinny ass, etc.), the calculator came up with 299.959 watts which is very close to the Widder's 300 watts target which she is now able to spin all the way to the top.

I then plugged in 225 lbs for SlingShot to see what watts he needs to churn in order to keep up with her.

But keep looking for a similar calcuator that includes air resistance for an average human body—somewhere between Zirra's 10 square feet at 10,000 lbs and Miguel's 2 inches tall at 1½ lbs.

And thank you for the effort.

Everybody do this right, and you won't be sorry.

This link is to the newest in Celebrity Focus which now includes rollover hints on the numerical navigation strip for the identities we thieved.

The link puts you on #7: Gapper and Download Kim.

Do yourself a favor and step through in numerical order from there up to #10. You'll be glad you did. >>>

The Watts vs. Speed article is rather inflammatory and may appear to be about things like ddoT's bike, but it's not.

If you EVER have a chance to get a bike like ddoT's, absolutely you must do it. You owe it to yourself and everyone else. Also, if you ever get a chance to own a Ferrari for going to the deli, get one of those also. The only difference is you are not ever going to drive your Ferrari in that big race at Le Mans, but there is a chance you might achieve Tour de France performance on your bike.

Maybe this article will help you do it. >>>

I hope to someday stand up from the couch without having first to poise my right hand on a cushion and my left palm counter-corner over above my left knee, then drive the plunger down firing the escape velocity powder charge that is hidden somewhere in my right butt cheek, and riding the shock wave up to the point I can engage the trajectory adjustment jets thrusting me over to my left just as my right knee begins to complain but my left knee finally reaches the spot I can put some weight on it. I also hope to remain standing at that moment without my glutes orbiting little circles around my lightening bolt back pain until I can settle into an actual walk.

People have chided me for being so utopian, but I explain, "You know I might be able to do it. It's not like it's rocket science or anything like that."

In any case, I have been convinced to have a fall back goal.

Someday it is my dream to walk up and down a staircase without chanting quietly to myself, "Whooops, uh, oh... look out. Be careful, hold on...uh, uh, uh, ohoh, ah...ah...ohf."

Widder did great. She's getting so good at controlling her performance it's like ordering from the dinner menu, "Uh... I'll take the extra 10 watts if you don't mind. Oh, good. Perfect. Another .4 mile an hour."

The hardest part was getting her to keep her foot off the accelerator after the last turn-around (and last of any possible tail wind) when we were sitting on a 20.1 average with only 3 miles to go back into the wind, "Take it easy there, Mary. Hold your watts. Hold your watts. Let the average drop. It is going to be exactly what we predicted. What's your HR. 163? That's no good. Get in your drops and practice your breathing. Did it drop? 159? Good. Hold that. Relax, watch your watts, and pull your right leg through. Good. Perfect"

I think she went to bed around seven. I don't know, because I was asleep.

In any case, thank you for the kind offer to help pull. We humbly accept.

We will include you in the Celebrity Focus before you know it.

Hoping it will happen is one thing, helping it happen is another, so we humbly accept your kind offer to pull.

As a reward for your support, we have posted a new Celebrity Focus section. >>>

I know one of their bikes has a pedal that's broken, as no doubt some palooka probably tried climbing out of the saddle. Now the others are broken as well? Slingshot, have you snuck up here without telling anyone, leaving trace elements of your presence?

On another note: Those guys over at team Deep Kakas N Yackoffs truly are marketing monsters or gurus or something. They have (BRIGHT!!!) orange townies with half the team name painted on them locked up on parking meters all over the city. (Orange color taken from @#$%). Twofold purpose is to promote more cycling in the city (make us all more green or something), and to promote the team.

Ballsier move would have been to paint part of the bikes in the team kit colors.

I like to call such displays: Signs of Desperation.

That little trick is merely a variation on a shop in a strip mall side stepping town signage laws by having a big-ass truck with bullshit promos plastered all over it parked out by the curb.

Not very original.

Plus, this particular promo is more likely to result in outlawing the locking of bikes to a parking meter than it is likely to be promoting cycling. Only a few knucklehads in bullshit forums are going to make note of it anyway.

I guess it is promoting green alright, just not green earh, so of course they probably have enough money to pay off a few news agencies to report (later) that it was a thing.

Toe Clip should know better than to play into their hands by mentioning them on this website. The less said about such shenanigans the better for cycling overall. Next time somebody mentions that sort of stuff here, I'll just toggle it off.

Apparently somebody is all bent out of shape that Toe Clip might be learning something, but that is not my fault. I left specific instructions for him not to read anything. Instead of that he ran out and signed up for actual course work. Worse than reading, he's actually studying.

The motherfucker… and his little friend Cranky too.

Hey, Pretty Boy, are you racing the trooper biathlon this year or what? I got a new toy that I will hopefully have ready for that race.

Not that I personally witnessed it, but all of the stationary bikes at planet fitness were recently destroyed, and after watching surveilance tapes they said Toe Clip went through them like the Incredible Hulk, one by one ripping the cranks in half until there was none left for poor me to ride.

Oh well, back to the treadmill.

We couldn't give a rats ass if people are riding hard, fast, slow, or in an iron lung. It's got nothing to do with us.

We care little if somebody passes us, breaks us, drops us, laughs at us, or whether anybody in particular may be ahead of our training program, behind our training program, oblivious to our training program.

We care only about The Widder posting a 23+ average on the Hump, or 1:29:13.04 line to line to be more precise.

We fully expect her to be dropped gone and history on at least Ridgebury. She's not even going to sprint at the end, so we are certain she will get her ass kicked by everybody who does that ride, that day, by merely a hundredth of a second faster than the time shown above.

We just have a feeling there will be fewer of those people than expected.

I just put in 6 new paragraphs, mostly so I don't forget about it myself.

So much goes on during one of these precision workout sessions, it's hard to get it all down. Maybe I should move off the bike and into a team car, with somebody else driving.

Maybe there'll be doughnuts in there.

Black Widow, absence makes the heart grow fonder, looking forward to your draft on 4/1.

They must be keeping tabs on your illustrious cycling career and giving themselves credit for having something to do with it.

Them chips sound like the perfect addition to my easy chair behind the Widder.

BTW: This hasn't been a subtle hint for me to go back through file footage to see if I can identify problems in your own performance, has it? .

Truly hope your training is going as well. You're going to get your proper dues when you come back.

Today is Mary's 160 watt loop. She will be cracking soon.

I got all excited and tried to get into this morning's session, but it was all full up. Does anybody know where I can find a scalper with bootleg tickets?

He didn't wear a base layer under his skirt?

The thing that really surprises me is how much SlingShot knows about training. When did that happen?

In fact, in High School the first time I ever actually used a study hall period for studying (of sorts) was when a track coach handed me a book simply called "Running," and I started learning about interval training and periodization, etc.

Previous to that I had already spent a summer in my dad's restaurant working for 25 cents an hour (really), saving to buy my first set of weights. By summer's end I had managed to save enough for the full set of Weider weights always advertized on the back cover of muscle mags.

Of course, that was some years after I started running (8 years old), which I remember was exactly after seeing a Hercules movie (probably with Steve Reeves) in which he ran some astounding distance for some spectacular reason.

I came out of the theatre and took off runing with the firm resolve to eventually get good enough to run the full mile home. I also figured that would be important in my career as astronaut, you know, for when I was going to be the first man to step foot on Mars.

I guess that doesn't quite lead up to the time in College when I was well on the way to a de facto minor in phys ed, when a coach took me aside and explained, "You are in some pretty deep academic water here. If you would just switch from a B.A. track to B.S. and declare a P.E. minor, we can make sure your grades in these classes will offset your F in French." To which I responded, "Look, I didn't come here to get a degree. I came here to learn something. If I do that I will have failed already."

Ironically that same coach later barred me from cross country, because I had several curls of hair that touched my shirt collar, and when he told me to get my hair cut, I told him to kiss my ass and to fuck off. Well, I didn't actually use that sort of language then, but that was one of the many events just like it that eventually led to me using such language. Looking back, I should have used that language right from the start.

I should probably mention the time I took an aptitude test in High School that they later stuck me in a room and made me take again. They said something like, "We had a problem with the grading. We just need you to try again, if you don't mind."

I didn't mind, because the test was a bunch of the kind of visual puzzles I like such as, "This is the tool. What things would it fit?" Or, "Here's a weird shape, what would it look like if we turned it over?"

I used to practice those kinds of puzzles on my own all the time. Such as before getting out of bed in the morning, I'd spend an hour trying to figure out how a door lock must work, and making little mental pictures of how it might.

It wasn't until much later that I realized they were sticking me in a room for monitoring, so they could confirm how I was cheating so well that I only missed one question. I was actually glad to take the test over, because I realized on leaving the first test that I had missed one, so I was glad to fix it on the second go around.

What was I talking about? Oh, right.

Yeah, I know a lot more about this stuff than people might imagine. Generally, it is of no consequence, but recently it has saddened me to see Toe Clip run off to take courses about training in an apparent attempt to smooth out his cycling performance—when he could have just asked me and saved the time and money.

In any case, I went back through some old ARC file footage. In retrospect it now appears perfectly clear why Toe Clip always struggles so much to keep up.

Excuse the quality of this vintage video. It starts with Kevin Haley being chased by the mob, then ends with Toe Clip holding down the rear.

I am pretty good at seeing if things are mechanically out of whack (remember that test?), and it is especially fun to find that sort of stuff in sport, but it will be more fun for people who are learning about cycling to see if they can identify Toe Clip's problem on their own, so I will not comment. >>>

Roses are a red,
Violets are a blue,
Stoppa pickin onna Twin Lynn,
Or I'm a gonna kick a you ass!

My son's a gonna kick a you ass anyway, but now I'm a gonna kick a you ass too. You think you funny.

Here, I gotta nice a ripe a banana for you...

So let me help you… it's FEBRUARY, you losers! Go do something productive, if you know how.

Everybody pass your copies of Photoshop up to the front of the class. Now, please.

I am to assume it was her Kraftwerk (remember them?) and not yours, SlingShot? You've been up to your ass in some French and/or computer crap for the last six weeks, you couldn't possibly have had the time to come up with that. Blah blah blah…Merci bercoup…blah blah blah…ENIAC blah…that's all we've heard!

Blah!

I believe she did have Lynn upon the back of the beast, before I was called into the project.

I hope your browser shows the animation. After all, it was your idea.

1) ad populem (appeal to emotion)
2) ad misericordium (appeal to pity)
3) ad baculem (appeal to authority)
4) ad hominem (personal attack)
5) ad vercundiam (false, irrelevant authority)
6) overgeneralization (prejudice)
7) non-sequitur (fallacy of relevance)
8) post hoc ergo propter hoc (false causation)
9) band wagon
10) red herring
11) petitio principii (circular logic, begging the question)

I would suggest never listening to a single word escaping that man's mouth. It is bad for the soul.

On the other hand, if you are looking for great examples of these falacies in logic, you will find each of them mixed and repeated numerous times before any given commercial break.

A great drinking game would be to print out the list above, and check them off with a shot of whiskey everytime one is used on the show. One shot for Billy Boy, two if by a guest.

You should be quite snockered before the intro teases are finished.

Unfortunately, even in a teaching context it is still bad for the soul.

I have never been so disappointed in my entire whole life.

Has anything ever been more anti-climactic? Lynn sitting around with a lizard and a lawn gnome? I generally try not to say anything negative, but this is too much.

I expected more from you guys. Something special. Something like a "real" Grand Finale.

From all the buildup, I figured it would be something outrageous, like say: Twin Lynn sporting a Billy Jack hat and chain wheel spurs, riding on the back of Lance, smacking him with a chain link bit. Something weird like that.

Maybe include Ryan riding his tornado like the wicked witch of the west.

How pitiful. What the fuck has happened to you people?

You have really let us down.

Who the hell do you think WE are? Lucusfilm? Fuck you! We did the best we could.

I was going to run it tomorrow, but NOOO… you just couldn't wait to see what you think. You had to come up with your own ideas. Since you are in such a snit, I've posted your Official Response above at #2311.

You will notice that you could have done better.

And now, the long awaited, much expected, highly touted, insanely anticipated, last word and final drama, no more cliff hangers, ultimate answer, ergonomically correct heightened awareness Grand Finale of Twin Lynn History Month is here.

You are going to love it. >>>

You've been quite busy this month.

I hear that SlingShot has given up cycling. He's tired of getting his ass kicked. So now he's taken up a new sport down in Floriduh, one that is more to his speed. Glad to see he can excel at SOMETHING.

See attached photo.

Twin Lynn

Did you learn nothing from Ryan?

During today's 1 hour low-effort extended interval, more specifically at the East Beach turn-around in Fort De Soto Park, we flew into the circle somewhere close to 23 mph (big tail wind), and she decimated my ass through the turn—once again. This has become a recurring theme.

The story appears to be this: My extra weight is a lot harder to hold in the turn, so I have two choices. Either I slow down, or I get centrifuged into the weeds. Her skinny little ass can cut to the inside, and accelerate out, while I'm floundering with inertia.

I assume all the criterium heads out there know this phenomenon all too well.

But you are going to love tomorrow's Splendiferous Psycho Superlative Grandissimo Finalitatus Twin Lynn History Month Finale.

It is impossible for it to fail meeting your most lavish expectations. That is an Amercian Road Cycling fully certified guarantee.

So I'm all set, and my heart can take it… hit me with that Twin Lynn History Month Grand Finale!!!

We just have to take care of this first. >>>

By the way, you have managed to step all over a future article. But that one we are saving until after the HUMONGOID MASSIVE-SAURIS FINAL EPISODE OF TWIN LYNN HISTORY MONTH.

Guess he thought it was all over except for the Big Finale-stranza. Guess he was wrong. >>>

I suspect it was SlingShot. In any event I have not been riding. If the weather is at least 40 this weekend and no rain you may see me.

Here, let me check the IP number to see who did it. Hmm… yeah, got it.

It was SlingShot. He's probably all psyched up about the upcoming big Twin Lynn History Month Mega Finale.

It's a little hard to see, but 71's rollover is sung slowly to the tune of The Arkansas Traveler, so it really must be one. >>>

In any case, we haven't been contacted about it, so we assume everything is set.

Otherwise, we follow approved American Road Cycling process that dictates: "Since we are all Presidents, the person who mentions a project is immeiately deemed the de facto chairperson of that project," so we assume you are the person in charge and will therefore know all the details.

We are also sure you will let us know if this year's series is worth our money.

Last year I won that special T shirt doing the I Love the Winter Hump Series. What have you got planned for this year?

This morning in the kitchen, "That FUCKING CUNT!"

"What?!"

"I TOLD HER THREE TIMES NOT TO FORGET THE APPLES AND... oh, here they are."

Let me remind you to be careful around Twin Lynn. Things can happen. >>>

All you have to do is go out on a ride with Humberto (Turtle Boy) and his two aggravating little friends Dangerous Dan and Twin George.

Dangerous and George will beat up on you while Humberto laughs. The more he giggles the better you are doing. The goal is to make him to pee his pants, which is not very easy to do.

I have done it, but only after a lot of laughing on Humberto's part, and a lot of puking on my own.

Wait a minute. Did you say front row… glasses? Do you look anything like Lisa Loeb? Do you wear short skirts? Maybe this is the reading room.

Oops, sorry. I dropped my pencil.

Sorry it took the overnight for me to respond. I was asleep in bed by the time you posted. You'll get a kick out of this.

Widder had her first ever actual sprint workout yesterday, but I fucked up and things got out of hand. The plan was for an eight mile spin warmup, then eight maximum effort sprints, then a long leisurely cool down.

The warmup went as planned, but the sprints took longer than expected. Not the sprint part so much as the getting the Widder to understand what sprints are about part. She finally seemed to be catching on toward the end. At least I had stopped being scared shitless that she was about to crash in front of me from all her weaving all over the trail. We had long discussions about holding her position, how all that thrashing was just energy wasted in a direction not forward, etc, but that's all another long story.

In any case, during this whole time I was pacing behind her with her watt meter computer on my own bike yelling out wattages, giving her a goal, and making it so she wouldn't have to worry about watching her readout for herself.

When I originally got the idea to do that, I believed I was going to have to stay right on her wheel to keep the computer close to the wheel, but we tested it a few days ago and found that I could be back about a half dozen bike lengths or more and still read her wattage.

That watt meter is a miracle, but that is also whole 'nother long story.

What happened yesterday was this: By the time we had gotten Widder to understand sprints, I was already too interested in the readouts to stop. So for the next 12 miles I kept sitting behind her and watching her watts as she slow climbed the bridges for balance. I also kept an eye on her left leg, which is a problem because of her left foot bunions.

As an aside, it was noted that we were back to square one of several years ago. Her major limiting factor is her feet which are always in such pain she cannot step down on her pedals like normal people. Lots and lots of expensive orthotics later, we are back to the same place.

But yesterday her feet were extra hurty, because she was just starting her period. Her gynocolgist said extra pain during menses is typical, that the pain is there all other times, but she isn't as sensitive too it so can ignore it. I told her to turn that into a positive. Use the extra sensitivity to fine tune understanding of what that pain is doing to her ride, along with establishing procedures to deal with it. This is going to be one of the major hurdles for her 23+ Hump, but that's not the point of what happened yesterday.

By the time we had finished the outbound part of the ride, watching eveness and power transfer on all the bridges, and turned back out of the wind, the Widder had long since had her major jaw dropping, inexplicable look on her face, you would have found it hilarious, epiphany regarding the sprint interavals.

About 20 seconds after the last interval she quipped, "Huh? I didn't think I was doing anything. I didn't even get my breathing up, and now, my legs are all of a sudden REALLY TIRED!" For most of you, only her surprise will come as a surprise.

[Before I get cards and letters: Yes, I did confirm the sprints themselves did hurt—lots. It just didn't seem to her as being much, because her breathing didn't come up like she expected. Now, leave me alone about this.]

So by the time we turned around, she was in no mood to work the 16 miles coming home despite the tail wind. Plus, I noted it was going to take us about an hour at our current pace, but it would be a tragedy to waste her sprint workout overdoing the spin home. So, being a genius, I had a great idea.

"Here. You get behind me and draft, and I'll watch your meter to keep your watts in the right place."

Since I had not actually had a workout, it wouldn't matter for me. I could work as hard as it took, and we would get home quick.

So we got home quick, I finished up some Turtle Boy duties, passed out at 7:34, and missed your final post. Sorry.

It is now 5:45 the morning after.

No wonder he is always in trouble, no?

No way!

Eu sou um simples ciclista no grupo B .

Oh, wait. Scratch that. There will be absolutely positively no reading. >>>

Otherwise, here's that special photo you requested of your special friend after their Woodbury Commons' escapade. They don't have any of the things you mentioned… and it shows.

Sounds like poppycock to me, but supposedly 21,000 people working in the team performance coaching industry have it, plus it's the only accredited program of its type.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't give it the time of day. Except, if Toe Clip would risk getting banned for becoming one (not to mention talking Cranky into blowing her chances at ARC as well), it must be a pretty significant way to cheat the competition.

Here, see for yourself. >>>

In any case, here's something even more confusing. >>>

It has come to our attention that Toe Clip has been reading.

In fact, it has gone so far that he is actually taking a formal course to get certified as a strength training specialist.

Everbody knows knowledge is more powerful than drugs.

Therefore, Toe Clip is banned for cheating.

BTW: Cranky is taking the same course.

Tortora, Gerard J. 1997. "Introduction to the Human Body: the essentials of anatomy and physiology." 4th ed. Menlo Park, CA: Addison Wesley Longman, Inc. ISBN: 0-673--98222-X

Oh, and don't tell Slingshot, because we're not supposed to be reading!!

I got it at the OCCC book store. Everytime I start something serious, I go over there to see what they are using in courses.

Their bookstore is better than Barnes & Noble.

My theory is: she has a life, so hasn't found out this place is cooking again… and by cooking, I mean SlingShot is getting fried, and not much else done.

  I am going back to the heart doctor

to stop the nightmares.

If we're still around in the A.M. she'll be pissed at SlingSnot (her words, not mine).

The weather people on BayNews9 (Tampa), were beside themselves excited to use a new doppler toy they just bought. They tracked the thing inch by inch… still at it.

The Widder was in the pink-room on her computer, giving somebody a banana or something, when I yelled in to her, "Tornado warning! You gonna come watch!"

"Ok, just a second. Where'd they say it is?"

"Right here. We can watch it out the front door!"

So Widder runs in and we're standing by the door when the newscaster says, "You people need to get in your safe place RIGHT NOW!"

Well, of course, The Widder is an avid television storm chaser watcher, so she immediately chirps… well, actually she just dropped into a very still stare that washed across her face as her eyes froze focused on blank space, "We don't have a safe place!"

"Exactly."

But that wasn't the best part.

Just at that moment the weather forcaster mentions a few towns the storm had already passed through and says, "It's all over for you folks."

So we spent the next 20 minutes talking about what it must be like for somebody to turn on their TV and hear the name of their town followed by, "It's all over for you folks."

The weather guys spent that whole time hawking weather events like the Home Shopping Network hawks estate jewelry. One of the intensely breathless events was a possible water spout (just down the road from us), followed again by the names of a few towns and, "It's all over for you folks."

Now Mary is back in her corner, Photoshoping some new ARC events. Nothing for you who have already been trashed to worry about. It's all over for you folks.

I always knew he danced funny, but I never thought it was that bad.

I've got a theory about what made it shaky and put him in the hospital. >>>

Keep dicking around with Lynn's picture, and I'll soon be able to get off of my bike and run past you.

In any case, despite everyone's best hopes, Lynn History Month will eventually end… just not today. >>>

PCP, I had a nightmare last night: SlingShot was out front of the gallery, washing his truck, in nothing but a hula skirt… a terrible, horrible experience for all involved—especially the truck!

Condoleeza Rice is conspicously absent in the pictures, and that's because she was afraid the queen of hono-looly was gonna KICK HER ASS!

The correct spelling is "Hona-loopy," not "hono-looly."

Here you go, take a look why. >>>

"Well, considering it's really Twin Lynn+everyone-else-on-the-planet History Month, he'll never run out of material.

Lynn"

Last nite I had a dream that Widder and Sling had a party at their house. Several days before the party, B and I dropped off wine. However, the nite of the party most of it was missing.

In the dream I was trying to decide whether 1) Slingshot binge drank it all beforehand or 2) Widder hid some, because she didn't want the party to get out of hand—like we hear can happen.

Additionally, Dan - thanks for waking SlingShot up out of his winter funk.

That is not called a dream, it is called a memory.

Lay off the sauce.

And no need to thank, P'man. This is all Widder's fault.

She knows I hate to waste time on this shit, but even though I shut the website down, and told her to never pass any of this on to me ever again, she continued bothering me with the e-mail she was getting to the point that I had to set her up with Photoshop in order to get just a few seconds to myself for practicing verb conjugations and resting up for the next round of Intervals.

Once again, Palletman is an innocent bystander—sort of like at the Hump.