strong language offends, please leave this site NOW.
TODAY'S INSTALLMENT: Today's
installment of American Road Cycling will be written during
and it may or may not be published. To insure you will be able to
enjoy this exciting episode, show up and ride the
If you are FG, track down SlingShot and give him an
excuse to go easy.
The fast ride begins at 10:00 am, because Kevin Shithead
Haley has requested it.
T-shirt Update: The Love the Hump Winter Series 2007
T-shirts have arrived. Ask somebody in charge of them where yours
is. SlingShot and The Black Widow will personally pick
up Brand New Bruce's for him and deliver it to a Tuesday Harriman
BLOOD SPORT: It probably wasn't
an "actual" mistake, just a "sort of" mistake, but that's what I get
for believing the hype.
Yesterday, The Widder and I went out with Dangerous
Dan, Turtle Boy Humberto Cavalheiro, and Doug Allen, or as he
appears on race rosters G Douglas Allen, apparently some sort
of civil war hero.
The ride was slated as a Silence of the Lambs ride, and it
sort of was.
Humberto was just back from a week in Portugal. Turns out he spent
time riding with an old school chum, currently No. 3 in the World in
Masters. It wasn't really a planned get together, Humberto was out
walking the family sheep when he saw a rider coming up a little hill
(see photo below) and stopped him to ask about a local friendly
Humberto's birthplace. Not a porta-potty in site.
As with all great events surrounding Humberto, turns out he knew the
guy in school, and also later found out he was right now his
neighbor in Portugal. Humberto has a way of finding the right
Dangerous Dan was just recovering from the big crash in the
sprint at the
end of last week's Sussex. He pointed out a scratch here, an
abrasion there, a little bit of a contusion someplace else, and
no remembrance whatsoever of the crash. Previously on this page, Palletman described Dan as "...on his back like
a turtle," but Dan has not the slightest recollection.
As for Doug: this ride was his idea. We received an e-mail earlier
about how he'd like to do a ride if anybody knew of one, and
Humberto had responded, "Everybody meet at the Turtle Hut."
Considering the situation with these guys, and reviewing Doug's CC
list (after all Paul Latrine was on it), we really did believe
Dangerous when he responded to SlingShot's question, "You
going slow or fast?" and he said, "Slow."
Then the ride began.
Sorry this article is so short. You'll just have to pick up a copy
of the Enquirer to finish your coffee with, but in summary, when I
am on 32, just 4 miles into a ride, and the road is flat, and I am
pretty fucking impressed with myself that I am holding a rather comfortable 27.5 (sometimes just over 28), well, I really hate to
have the thought, "Wait a minute, what is wrong with this picture
[not the one above], those guys are dropping me!"
Fortunately, Doug was there to pull me and the Widder back,
In any case, I would write more, but I no longer find cycling the
least bit funny.
I'm making a note to myself that later today, when I think I'm
getting a cold because of my sore throat, I have to consider I
tasted blood in my mouth after yesterday's ride.
One final thing: Humberto, we've talked about this before, so this
is the last time I'll mention it. Just stay the fuck OFF MY
That's right, Humberto, they came up this way.
We don't know which way they went either.
Take a breather. Here's a glove.
NOTHIN' BUT NET
American Road Cycling is in jeopardy of being kicked off the
Net. We are looking into the matter and hope to survive.
However, we are extremely fortunate to have intercepted the missives
which might have proven our downfall. Lucky for us, SlingShot
read them before his interview with the Federal Internet Compliance
Authority, so had a chance to prepare an avertive response.
Following are the two e-mails that were passed to ARC, along
with a pertinent question.
Hi Dr. Art,
Do you know anyone who collects sports
memorabilia, or is a basketball fan and collects?
I have in my possession some really early (1959)
Harlem Globetrotters stuff... an "Official Souvenir
Program," a roster of the game between the
Harlem Globetrotters and a team called the
Hawaii 50th Staters, as well as the flyer
announcing the game at the Asbury Park
Convention Hall in Asbury Park, NJ.
All this stuff features Wilt "The Stilt" Chamberlain!
I'm willing to bet that if you put it on eBay, you'll
get fiddy bucks for it. Or, you can use the program
to line the birds cage, save a few trees for gods sake. I don't know
anyone who collects such
meaningless crap. Do not bother me again. And
another thing, I don't want any more copies of the
Watchtower either. Stop sending your friends to
my door selling it.
Dr. Artie Art, Artie Art Donohue
Gee... did Artie get dropped on the Hump last weekend?
Not since Kevin Shithead Haley threatened the murder of Doug
Allen for passing along sappy chain spam mail, has there been such
an uproar out in the cybers.
However, as for our two e-mails at hand: There were in reality more
than the one single question asked, but all the others were asked of
SlingShot by the Feds.
Apparently, this type of nonsense is specifically prohibited from
the Internet at large, and is supposed to be confined within the
hairline borders of the Chatter Box.
There was a very tense moment during the "interview" when
SlingShot tried to point out that the comments above were
inappropriate for American Road Cycling, because "...here we
are involved with actual sport, not making couch potato goo-goo eyes
at others who are actually competing."
Fortunately, SlingShot knew to bail out of a position, when
immediately one of the "investigators" flinched, got all jiggy eyed,
and the smell of fire, brimstone, and Gitmo rended the air, because
"sports spectators" had been cast in an unkindly light.
Turns out the interviewer was a NASCAR fan, who really believes that
a sport exists in drinking beer and hooting around a big screen TV.
Or maybe he was a golf fan. Or maybe it was extreme competition
checkers, but no matter.
In any case, SlingShot finally made a compromise by promising
to do his best to see that all such vituperative assaults from the
pen of Dr. Donohue will in the future be dumped directly into Artie
Facts, so the local health authorities may continue their close
monitoring of Artie's deteriorating mental state.
As for The Question asked via e-mail, it does appear that Dr.
Art may have gotten a little hot under the collar. It is most
obvious in his total disregard for paragraphitizationing, but it is
highly unlikely his anger is related to poor Humping performance.
Generally, one must show up for the Hump in order to be pissed-off
about being dropped from it, notwithstanding SlingShot's
constant dismay over the ongoing state of Saturday affairs, even
though he himself is, for the most part, absent.
In SlingShot's case, he is merely following standard form, in
which the longer he is absent, the more he professes intimate
knowledge of the Hump's workings, while expressing a longing for the
good old days, "...when the Hump was friendly."
In Dr. Art's case, he was probably just disgusted with the placement
of a decal in one of his display cases.
BTW: Humberto, stop laughing so loud, and get back to doing
your books. Jen has come downstairs to check on you and is watching
from the doorway.
REPORT FROM AUGUSTA Palletman (Dan McNeilly)
My first experience riding down at the Sussex County Fairgrounds has
me feeling as if my body has been put through a meat grinder this
Somebody had the great idea that I could ride both the Masters race
at 5:30 pm, and the B race at 6:00 pm. This would give me a really
good workout. So, like the lemming I am, I bobbed my head up and
down and said, "Yeah that sounds great, two races for the price of
How hard could the 45+ Masters race be at only five laps? My answer:
Extremely Hard! So after getting humiliated in the Masters, and
before I caught my breath, I find myself at the line for the B race.
Dangerous Dan's suggestion: "Palletman you might want to sit in the
pack the first few laps in this race."
That's a great idea Dan. That way my tongue dragging along the
ground won't get in anyone's way.
"Hey Dangerous, how long is the B race? "
"I'm not sure, I didn't hear them announce it."
"Hey, Bicycle Doctor, how long is this race?"
"Hmmmm, I think it's thirty minutes plus 5 laps."
"Ok, thanks. Just wanted to know when to plan my attack."
I figured this, "Twenty-five minutes of dragging my tongue around
the course, and I prepare to make my move. After they start
counting down the laps, with three to go, I move."
Thirty minutes, no lap counter, thirty-five minutes, no lap counter,
forty minutes, no lap counter, forty-five minutes, no lap counter,
fifty minutes, no lap counter.
"Hey guys, is someone watching the clock? I'm gettin' tired out
here. Bike Doctor, you sure about the thirty minutes plus five
Hmmmm, did they say something about riding till dark? I can't
Fifty-five minutes, no lap counter. One hour... six laps to go.
Thank God! I'm just about toast out here. Time to move.
Wait a minute, how do I get around all these Skylands riders?
They're like gnats, all over the place. Every attack, chased down.
Ok, settle in. Save it for the sprint. After an hour and twenty
minutes everyone makes the final switchback left onto the little
rise before the finish together.
It's going to get ugly, the A racers have caught onto the B race,
and everyone will finish together.
Like a flash, someone goes down. And like a nuclear reaction, it
starts a massive pileup. Last thing I see as I go by is Dangerous
Dan on his back like a turtle. At that point the finish is in
disarray, which is fine with me, since I didn't have any real
expectation to be anywhere near the front.
Happy to report that Dangerous Dan was able to get off his
back and had only minor injuries.
On a sadder note TP Joe Straub, with $30.00 of winnings in
his pocket, wouldn't part with a nickel of it for either gas,
coffee, or a slice of pizza.
I guess the TP stays.
Palletman receiving a tongue lashing.
Humberto discussing appropriate chew toys with
"Yes, that's right. Humberto is really good at
laughing at himself. It's a good thing too,
because there's so much to laugh at." -Jen
HARRIMAN SPRING OPENER: Yesterday, Poor Latrine,
Nuclear Dan Buckley, The Black Widow, and SlingShot
completed the first of this year's traditional Tuesday Harriman
Everybody was in the mood for something a little easy.
Poor Latrine is just turning toward getting back in racing
form, because he has been asked to come to the aid of an unnamed team, in an
unnamed race series. There's been some trouble with team
organization during the races, and a touch up is needed.
Nuclear Dan has an important race this Saturday, and wanted a
workout, but also wanted to make sure his legs are recovered from
his severe program leading up to the race.
Dan's legs were a little overdone, because last Saturday he rode 50
miles during the Hump, due to an extended warm-up with BLASTER
Jim Amels. It was Dan's longest ride since last June.
His duathlon races call for training with more intensity at shorter
distances and lots and lots of intervals and running.
On last Saturday's Hump, despite his best intentions, Dan found it
difficult to resist pushing himself into overload, because there
were other riders there.
The Black Widow is just back from Floriduh, and is so
stressed and busy getting things back in shape for the coming year
in her studio, she counted on a brisk but light workout in Harriman.
SlingShot himself had decided to bow out of the day's opening
race at Sussex, after getting on the scale in the morning and
realizing he is a fat-ass loser, and anything (even a slow day) in
Harriman is plenty enough workout for his pitiful state of
So it was a lovely ride in the park—Harriman, to be specific.
On the way home, The Black Widow questioned, "Who was upset
over the pace? Anybody who had a problem with it could have just
slowed down. Everybody would have waited. If Dan wasn't there,
Poor Paul would have gone slower."
SlingShot added, "And if Paul wasn't there, Dan would have
The Black Widow shot back, "So why didn't YOU just slow up on
SlingShot, "I couldn't."
BETHEL UPDATE: All of the
confusion regarding results for last Sunday's Bethel Race has been
Actually, there never was any confusion as far as SlingShot
was concerned. Although his scum bucket alter ego SlamCrank
questioned it, SlingShot knew that if Toe Clip said
it, it happened.
Only Palletman sending some unsupported text e-mail made him
pause for a moment and think, "The lady doth protest too much,
methinks." But he wouldn't even have paused there, if Palletman
was not such a lady.
The Official results have now been updated online at:
carpediemracing.org. Palletman's name is there along with
TP Joe Straub, and the others. Toe Clip's
17th is off the charts.
In any case, time for an old story.
Lots of you who are new to this site may not have heard this before.
In fact, it may not have even been published here before, because it
happened before "here" existed.
To get right to the point, did you know that The Black Widow
retired from racing some time ago?
That's right, undefeated, as in nobody ever beat
her in a race, NEVER.
Her final race was at the Augusta Series, Sussex Fairgrounds several
years ago, which series, by the way, begins today in case you'd like
to run over there, pick up a day license, and get smacked around a
[A link to Augusta was provided above, but it turned out to
be one of those pages that grab you and won't let go, so the link
was removed. Somebody talk to Skylands web master, have it fixed,
and we can start sending people there again]
At the time of Mary's last race, the series was being run rather
informally to help people get started racing who hadn't raced
before. The 1, 2, 3 would go out together. And the 4, 5's would race
separately. If you were there for the 4, 5's, however, it was
allowed you could race with the 1, 2, 3's. Just as long as you did
not get in the way of primes, finish sprints, etc.
Since the 1, 2, 3's went out first, it was an open invitation for
people such as SlingShot to go warm up before the 4, 5's
began, and that day he talked The Black Widow into going out
After three laps plugged onto the back of the 1, 2, 3's,
SlingShot remembered that his own race was coming up, and he'd
better stop and save a little something, or anything really.
When he pulled off he found The Black Widow was already
stopped, and she reported she had enough of racing, would meet him
at home, and would never race again, "...as long as there is breath
in my lungs!"
Forty-five minutes later, the 4, 5's went out and SlingShot
soon became aware that they were actually going faster than the 1,
2, 3's. SlingShot held on for a mere lap and a half before
getting dropped. After that he took Jimmy Nails' suggestion to let
the group lap him, then try to hang on again. In fact, he found a
little hill that dropped onto the course, so he could get a run on
the group and hook back on.
However, try as he might he could not get his fat-ass past the hard
switchback left onto the slight upgrade just before the finish line.
He just got dropped there again and again. It was good interval
work, but nothing to write about... except for The Widow's
Next week at the Hump, Kevin Shithead Haley started on a jag
about how he'd heard how good Mary had done at Sussex. He kept going
on about it, until it seemed like it might not be a total goof. So
SlingShot looked the results up online.
Sure enough, there was Mary Endico Fugett as winner of the Women's
Division. She had won a race that had not even started until
forty-five minutes after she had left the course.
It was understandable, because the end of a bicycle race is a real
chaotic moment. What is surprising is that there are any cranks,
chains, calipers, tires, handle bars, legs, feet, arms, or anything
at all that is still held together like a bicycle and rider, instead
of just a bunch of used bicycle parts strewn across a road painted
with blood and guts stew. But that's just the way it is.
Did you ever stop to think how a chain ring with chain might act
very similar to a chain saw when being dragged over your leg at 30
mph, under 160 lbs of pressure from the rider's weight who is
crashing over your already crashed body? So it's pretty miraculous
anything is left at after one of these bike thrashing, needs to get
me my props, sprint finishes.
Then there's the standard confusion, like whenever SlingShot
sees a race, he can't even recognize good friends in the group. All
he can manage is to stand by the road, jump up and down, clap his
hands together, and scream over and over, "Wheee! Bicycles going
fast. Wheee! Bicycles going fast."
Of course, Race Officials are certainly more focused than SlingShot,
If Mary had planned to race anymore, she would have taken the win as
the luck of the draw, but there was certainly someone else there who
could and would use the points, so she turned herself in, and the
record was set straight.
If there ever seems to be a problem with a race you compete in, make
sure to report it to the Officials. That way you might avoid the
TP Joe Straub who missed getting seen by the
camera during his first race, and missed having it recorded as a
close to first place finish. Instead it was recorded as DNF.
Just remember The Black Widow won her first race ever, did it
forty-five minutes after she left the venue, and retired immediately
with a career record of: UNDEFEATED.
When it comes to races, your results may vary.
- Rick Sanchez (Toe Clip Guy)
A LESSON LEARNED (TOO WELL):
Here's what Toe Clip Guy had to say about today's race at
Kudos to Palletman for taking 2nd in today's Bethel crit.
Congrats also to Mark from the Bicycle Doctor
for placing 5th in the same race.
Don't know exactly how
Joe Straub placed in the Cat 4 race, except that he
did not take 1st this week.
However, I was told Joe might look for redemption in the Master's
Cat (didn't stick around to see).
And, as for this Toe Clip Guy: Let's just say it was my own
Baptism by Fire, especially in the last two laps.
I was working the race pretty good (I think), as I was able to
stay near the front for most of the race.
I took the lead for a bit here and there, even waved others on to
help share the work (to no avail), but then—right
before the start of the last two laps—it
was like I just showed up with toe clips!!!
I knew it would be hard for me to stay in the final sprint, so I
figured I'd get a head start with a break away.
It didn't last long. The pack came up and blew by, leaving me
with this feeling like they knew about the toe clips.
Final result: a meager 17th place and a lesson learned.
Toe Clip Guy
Editor's Note: Unless there were only 17 riders in your race,
the word "meager" applied to your result is likely to appear merely
a taunt to most readers of this page.
Near the front is good. Off the front is subject to negotiation,
speculation, risk taking, and team effort. A standard ploy of other
racers (read "teams") is to take turns luring you out into the open,
while they also take turns resting... but apparently you know that
SlingShot probably knows it better than just about anybody
else, except for Peetie Pete Peetie Kaka. SlingShot
has never been able to get anybody to pull through after he wastes
himself on the front, and as for Peetie Kaka, well... that is
beyond the scope of this article.
Suffice it to say, SlingShot knows the routine but just can't
stop himself from falling for it (too much fun), and Peetie Kaka
probably knows about it but just doesn't care (too much fun). Next
time have fun, but not too much. That will surely cut considerably
into the fun of everybody else (when you beat them), which is the
real point after all, isn't it?
Also be safe, but there's no such thing as too safe.
OH, THE HUMANITY: Usually, I
don't like to say anything, but after what I saw happen on
I feel I have no choice. I must comment.
Sometimes it is unbelievable how wretchedly nasty people will treat each
other, and yesterday's example was one of the worst I've seen.
But since I know many of you hang on every word, waiting for news of
my own performance, I will address that first.
Yesterday was my first
after coming back from Winter Training Camp in Floriduh.
is now totally different, because Dangerous Dan Sullivan got
sick and tired of The Black Widow and Paul Latrine taking a
shortcut past the titty bar, so he blew up the bridge there.
Despite the new route, I did pretty well. Better than I expected.
We got home Thursday after a couple days driving, and very little
sleep, but I managed to get out that afternoon and post a couple
Personal Bests for this year's baselines. Then Friday, Palletman
(that sniveling little shit) showed up for a ride from our house,
and further wasted me (and The Black Widow) in a cold-assed
rain ride from hell. Therefore, I didn't expect much from my first
It was to be my third hard day in a row.
Which reminds me. Most of the riders at yesterday's
(at least those who paid attention and knew the start was 10:00 am,
not 9:00, and therefore were not those we passed going the opposite
direction near the Jolly Onion) were attending the
one day before their Bethel Race.
Somebody ought to tell them that the correct stance for day before
race day is to take a rest. Light easy spin at most. I'm sure some
of them are already saying, "SlingShot, it WAS a rest day. We
were riding with YOU," but I was not the only rider there, and
anytime those race-holes get together there's sure to be glycogen
used up. In support of that thesis there's the question, "What
happened when Mary attacked on the last hill before the Jolly Onion?
Pace seemed to pick up pretty quickly, and it did not come down."
You'd think by now, nobody would give a Black Widow attack
any more credence than an Elvis sighting. So if they responded that
way to Mary, how do you expect they responded to Kevin Shithead
Haley the next time he "stressed his legs a little." What's going on
with those guys? Testosterone run all 'round their brains? The
glycogen wasted on Mary (though admittedly not much) might be better
spent at Bethel.
As for my my own performance, I have no complaints. My knee is a
little better (not perfect), my back is a little better (not
perfect), my times are already comparable to the end of last year
(not perfect), and my weight is a little higher than I'd like (just
perfect). In any case, now that the Skinniest Bob Ever joke
has run its course (everybody's seen me), I can mention I'm back
over 182 lbs, so my "good" bike is going back to Paul's today.
All things considered, I'm riding stronger than my best of last
year, even though my weight is not as good, so things are looking
Oh yeah, almost forgot, I still have not commented on how horribly
people on the
treat each other.
As we approached the final little group that had dropped us (by us I
mean The Black Widow and me), I was almost satisfied that
The Black Widow had finished paying the price for her attacking
Twin George near the beginning of the ride, accomplishing
nothing more than getting me dropped. Actually, she got herself
dropped first, but as I passed her blown-up ass half way up her
"attack" hill, I realized her little stunt would mean the end of my
ride in another hundred yards or so. Once the trigger is pulled, the
shell cannot be returned to the chamber.
In any case, Mary was just finishing up her "Now, bitch, you can
just pull SlingShot for the remainder of the ride." punishment
when we saw a splinter group of riders stopped before us on the last
turn before the "S" curve.
When we pulled up to them,
TP Joe Straub was changing a flat,
and had so far successfully held off Paul Latrine from grabbing it
and doing it himself. Joe had accomplished this miracle for longer
than anybody could remember anybody else ever doing it, but as we
arrived OCD Latrine was just taking over, so the
tube change was soon to be completed.
This is the sort of thing Paul can never stop himself from doing.
But nobody really minds that Paul does this shit, because it gives
us all a break, and we use the free time to discuss what an asshole
Paul is. He is always so involved in "running the show,"
counting the number of cracks he steps on, casually mentioning the
number of matches from the box just spilled that landed on the
ground, and such, he never
Later, back in the parking lot at Big V, I was just behind Joe as he
approached Palletman standing by his car already changing
into street clothes. I heard Palletman say to Joe,
"When we saw you had the flat..."
I jumped in immediately, "Wait a minute! You KNEW Joe had a flat.
And you left him out there on his own to fix it? You didn't even
Palletman, "Right. We were nearing the sprint."
"What is wrong with you people? How can you treat somebody like
that? What the hell do you think Joe is... A TOE CLIP GUY?"
BTW: Once again The Black Widow won the Ladies'
Might have been different if any other women had showed up.
Favorite Quote: As usual, SlingShot's favorite quote
came from Anonymous; because, like always, he was looking at the
ground wheezing at the time and didn't see who it was. This one came
just as he was fading on Iron Mike's Hill (in reverse) on the way
However, there's a pretty good chance it was
TP Joe Straub who said, "You ain't on no overpass
now are you, SlingShot."
Of course, Joe is the spokes model for a big-time gymnasium which
bears his name and which wouldn't be a turd in a drainage ditch
without Joe leading the way, so among his front runner talents, he
has a way with words, and that smile.
Also, it might have been Kevin Shithead Haley who said it,
but that's about it for suspects.
Editor's Note: SlingShot did survive that hill,
barely. It wasn't till two hills later that the Black Widow
"attacked" Twin George and set him up for his ritual
Update: The Winter Hump Series 2007 T-Shirts have shipped. More
HACKING COUGH: Yesterday, Cranky
received a commendation toward receiving a Hack Job Superitas
Award for her concerted and logical attempt to hack past the new
Chatter Box security system.
Apparently, she did this while her little friend (and we mean
little, as in: that skinny little shit) Palletman
diverted us out on our bikes in the rain.
Cranky's status is hereby upgraded to: We like her.
Unfortunately, although Cranky selected an extremely logical and
systematic approach to breaking and entering, she apparently assumed
this sort of flogging would not be the very first thing that
SlingShot expected, and which he would take steps to guard
For her tacit assumption that SlingShot is a low functioning
Mongoloid idiot, Cranky's status is hereby upgraded to: We like
her A LOT.
It should be noted, however, the Chatter Box security system is
really (and wisely) a very low level of security. Just like all
other forms of security, it can be broken by about any seven year
old on the planet. In fact, we encourage seven year olds to hack
there way in, if they promise to take their clothes off real slow as
they do. So let us help them get started!
The American Road Cycling security system is basically
controlled by a unique password protection scheme which was quick to
design, easy to implement, and scaleable to the tune of about 3 or 4
If not for one basic flaw (which flaw is not an implementation of a
design parameter, but which flaw is recognized as intrinsic to the
design), we would have nary a problem. Except for this one singular
flaw, the Chatter Box security system is robust and unassailable as
any in the world.
Because that flaw is the weak point of our system, and since all
systems eventually fail at the weak point, American Road Cycling
finds it advisable to give away the specifics of this weakness right
up front. Doing so will save others the time of trying to figure it
out, and us the trouble of trying to protect against it.
As an aside, we are sorry that we must point out that this is also a
flaw existing in every other security system which you may believe
Here is the secret: If you really want to break the system, merely
ask a friend, foe, acquaintance, or passerby for their password.
Eventually somebody will give it up. You can make this happen a
little faster if you pretend to be somebody in authority, or at
least somebody with the password holder's best interests at heart.
Rely upon the fact that most people are totally unaware 99.9999% of
all security problems are a function of their own ignorance and
To prove this to yourself, please e-mail your bank account numbers,
security pin numbers, and particulars of your financial holdings,
along with a signed declaratory statement to the effect that
SlingShot is allowed to use your accounts freely and at his own
If you are a seven year old, put on your mommy's dress. This allows
you to go through her things. Find the stuff mentioned above and
send it to us, along with a picture of yourself in the dress.
Actually, the previous two paragraphs had to be deleted from the
final version of this document, due to the large number of letters
SlingShot was receiving with people's particulars.
Moving on. We are divulging the nutshell of our security technology,
because it may prove a boon to American Road Cycling, and
maybe to Cranky herself.
Here's the deal: If anybody ever succeeds hacking the security code
and fucking with SlingShot in a manner not to his liking
(such as that separate attack last winter, not Cranky's),
SlingShot will merely shut the site down (or at least the
interactive parts), and go get a life or something like it.
If Cranky is the one who does it, her status will be upgraded to:
National Treasure, and SlingShot's favorite person ever, because
not MUCH of this is worth ANY of this.
Editor's Note: Wasn't there some trouble over at #### which
never got resolved? Has it not been proved past question that there
are only 3 or 4 users on the Internet who are remotely interested in
cycling? We are not saying... we're just saying.
Nevertheless, to SlingShot's way of thinking, there has not
been such an interesting series of events since Bill Gates
(basically a marketeer, not even a technologist) took everything
that International Business Machines ever owned and exiled them out
amongst the rattlesnakes, leaving them with nothing but a few large
lawn sculptures of the letters IBM.
CLEARING THE AIR: This morning
911 Emergency Services and then a HAZMAT squad had to be called over
to Paul Latrine's house in Central Valley, NY.
What happened was that SlingShot and The Black Widow
showed up to check out the results of Paul's winter work upon his
buttocks, so SlingShot would know if there was going to be
anybody he could ride with this year.
Our intrepid couple knew before going over to Paul's, that he had an
early morning fitting appointment, but they figured they'd get there
beforehand, quickly pinch Paul's waist, then run home and put the
data into the American Road Cycling Hump-o-matic Precognitive
Ride Software to start planning their spring workouts.
Unfortunately, when they arrived at Paul's, they found it was not a
regular fitting. This was a tweak session for The Angel (Lugie),
and her gal pal Schmoopie. So SlingShot was
immediately sensitive about not interrupting. This was no regular
fitting for some yo-yos off the street, this was the real deal Paul
Latrine Stinkature Silos fitting for two top-of-the-line actual
competitors. No time for small talk, bullshit, or distractions. But
still... there was that little matter of, "Just how fat has Paul
That's when tragedy struck. Paul and SlingShot got so heavily
into a Suck in Your Belly Contest. The room was vacated of
oxygen, or so it seemswhile The Widow chatted
via speaker phone with Turtle Boy in Portugal.
Three by-standers hit the floor passed out, and 911 had to be
The HAZMAT squad collected air samples and sent them to the lab. By
sometime next week, we should know whether it was oxygen debt that
took out the crowd, or just the aftermath of a winter's worth of
nightly Tanqueray 10 and Tonics being dumped into the cavernous
salsa soup cauldron that Paul has perched above his (now) massive
flatulence resonating apparatus.
We will report the results here when they become available. In the
meantime don't get near, or call Paul's ass fat.
WINTER HUMP T-SHIRTS: The arrival
of the Winter Hump Series 2007 T-Shirt awards will be delayed
slightly, because one of the Office Girls forgot to fill out the
second tuple of the 17th copy of "forms in triplicate" that were
required for their shipment.
Apparently, somebody at the T-shirt factory is real heavy into
TP Joe Straub signatures and saw this as a golden
opportunity to corner the market on them.
PERSONALS: Yesterday, on
SlingShot's first ride after returning from American Road
Cycling Winter Training Camp in Florida (State), he posted two
personal bests on what is ostensibly the old Club Wednesday ride.
He is currently about 2.5 miles an hour faster than this time last
year. If this trend continues through November, it will be as
SlingShot envisioned all this grueling winter. He will be
dropped on Ridgebury almost immediately.
That doesn't sound like much, since on the face of it, this appears
to be status quo, but the subtle particulars of the matter are that
SlingShot hopes to be dropped a few yards further in than at
the turn onto the road itself. Plus, he hopes to feel like some sort
of a human being (instead of his customary splattered turd) on the
top of the hill (or any of the other six little bumps on the way) up
to Soon's Orchard.
Maybe not much of a goal for many, but many of the goals for
Oh... wait a minute. The bridge by Passions is out!
The Hump, at best, will be following a totally different
route. SlingShot will have to figure out all his shit all the
fuck over again. The dude is screwed.
Apparently, SlingShot's status is so quo it is a clone.
PLEASE STAND BY (Actually, you'd better take a seat.)
TAXI DRIVER: Spend a few days reading and rereading the
following. It is worth it. It's e-mail from
Artie Art Artie Art Donohue, and is in response to
The Black Widow writing,
"...don't open this if there is another human within 50 feet!!!!!!!!"
Hello Bob and Mary,
I completely enjoyed Bob's version of "I've got muscle where it
I was curious if Bob always walks around the house like that.
It's one thing in the living room, but I've got to figure the
neighbors get to talking when he waters the lawn or rolls the trash
cans out to the curb.
Won't be long now before we see you guys again. Looking forward
to showing off my lack of fitness.
Joe Straub called me this past week... wondering if I'd
like to ride with him.
The dialog went something like this:
Joe: Hey Art. How's it going?
Art: Good... good... and with you?
Joe: Great! I won again at Bethel this week. I held off
the field for the last 47 laps and won solo.
Art: Nicely done Joe.
Joe: Do you want to ride with me this week?
Art: (no response)
Joe: Art...are you there?
Art: Oh... I'm sorry, Joe. Were you talking to me?
Editor's Note: Too bad Bethel was cancelled this week. Nobody got to
see Joe's triumph.
Mary's subsequent response:
No, no, no. A thousand times, NO!
Bob did NOT make that photo!!!!
Dan was soooo worried about his own impending "pantsing," he
prepared a preemptory strike using the photo of Bob he found in the
Old New's. Of course, I'm sure you noticed the good use
he made of
your own photo as well.
We heard afterwards that he waited 3 days before he could even look
my own version of him—he was scared Shotless!
The Black Widow
Chief Executive Pantser
Editor's Note: All the exclamation points (!!!) in The
Widow's response were a function of her dismay that people might
think she created the SlingShot pantsing photo, plus miss the
fact that Bob himself does very little in the way of pantsing around
here. It's not the photo's vile (though understated) raw
graphic that had her upset, but because the execution was not up to her rabid standard
of excellence. Also she's a little worried that she isn't getting
enough credit for all the other pantsings.
We could spend time comparing Mary's carefully studied work to the obviously quick and dirty paste-up
job that Dan performed putting those Photosop layers together, but
we would have to publish the photo itself in order to make things
perfectly clear. Unfortunately, that image has already crashed
several MySpace servers because of the number of people that have
been looking at it. No need to repeat something here that has been done
to death elsewhere.
In any case, any comparison would be pointless. Mary's work is
obviously better, but Dan has an actual life, so he was unable to
spend several days on each and every corner of pixilated minutia as does
The Widow. Considering his time constraints, Dan's work on
the photo was brilliant. But I'm preaching to the choir here,
everybody has already seen that photo, and loved it.
Additionally, SlingShot was preparing an exhaustive study of
the social, cultural, and comic elements embodied in the work, but
it looks as though a road trip is immanent, so time does not permit.
Maybe later, if SlingShot ever gets over being pissed off at
Dan for giving him the Hitler moustache. The rest of you probably
thought it was cute.
Next stop: Harriman.
Oh yeah, we almost forgot: Here's one from Bianchi, in
response to the Black Widow commenting how we'd just seen a
PBR (Professional Bull Riding) cowboy who reminded us of Bianchi.
The PBR by the way seems to be losing riders almost as fast this
year as the Pro Tour is losing cyclists. Guess bull riding is
starting to get a little dangerous.
Are you sure it was the young cowboy? Or was it the bull that
reminded you of Twin George, that reminded you of me and my scar?
Sorry, but I can't show you my scar.
Radiation is in the third week now, and I still feel good although a
little weak at times, but I still have enough energy to work out
with Jonathon three times a week.
The doctor suggested my not riding, since my rear end will be a
little sensitive from radiation, so I will be running up the
bleachers and around the track at Warwick H.S.
Sorry for the delay in writing. I couldn't see my computer screen
clearly for awhile, until I found out that I had to degauss the
monitor every time I used it due to the radiation.
Knowing this, I set out to all the local computer stores "just to
f**k with them"—as Bob would say. Every time they went to demo a
Mac, I would walk by and distort the monitor enough for them to
loose the sale.
Bob would have been proud of me.
Take care and see you soon,
Editor's Note: Too bad Bianchi's magnetified monitor
has fritzed a bit since his radiation began. He probably missed
seeing the SlingShot pantsing which has become all the rage.
On the other hand, if he'd seen it, he would not only degausse his
computer, he'd delouse it as well.
Couple more weeks of this, and Bianchi's probably going to
lose sight of all the humor in his anus. No, I don't mean he's going
to pull his head out. Not likely to, at least.
DEAD ELVIS SMILE: Overheard at
the #### water cooler. Be sure, while reading, to imagine background
flowery light elevator music, until the end.
Poker 1: Have you seen the photo of Palletman in the
most recent newsletter?
Poker 2: Sure did. Tell me about it. Somebody said he is in
top contention for winning a SlingShot's Jersey Award?
Poker 3: How nice. Pass me another doughnut. So Dan is going
to win one of SlingShot's Jerseys?
Poker 4: No. He's winning an award for LOOKING most like
SlingShot's Jersey! Jelly or plain?
Poker 5: No way! I'll take a few of those croissants. What
does Pallet win?
Poker 6: An autographed poster of Karen Carpenter.
Poker 7: Golly wow! Where's the sugar substitute? Autographed
by Karen Carpenter?
Poker 8: No, asshole, it's a motherfucking poster of Karen
Carpenter. It's autographed by SlingShot. You people make me
Poker 9: Hey... you ain't no Poker, get outa here! Give me
back my coffee.
Special Movie Review: Twin Lynn
comments on the happenings of the day, by way of her scathing review
of the Hollywood star making machine's most recent chase scene
My advice... STAY IN FLORIDA. It sucks here right now. Twelve
inches of snow on Friday, and it's snowing again tonight.
Anyway, Greg was stranded on a business trip during the last snow
storm. So I was reliant upon
Cleetus to get the snow blower going and get my car unburied
from the snow. Which he did. But he promptly told me that I "owe him
I offered to take him to the movies and said he could pick the
movie. So I had the pleasure of seeing "Ghost Rider." I was the only
female in the audience.
I was also the only person over the age of 18. But I must say,
for a bad movie, it was sorta decent. The Ghost Rider is Satan's
bounty hunter. He catches bad guys and fries their brains and
collects their souls.
Evidently, Satan needs a bounty hunter from time to time.
The last time he hired one was in the 19th century, some sort of
cowboy gunslinger. Nowadays, cowboys are hard to find, so Satan
hired a guy who rides a chopper. And get this... the guy is a
skeleton dressed in bike leathers.
When he gets pissed off, his skull starts to burn. It reminds me
of that photo of Slingshot in his Bobby Bones jersey... only the
flames are missing.
Can you doctor that photo and add some flames?
Cuz it would be REALLY COOL.
Jeez Lynn. You sure are lucky. I have been trying to get
SlingShot to take me to the movies and see Nicholas Cage dressed
in leather all winter long. He just keeps telling me that it's a
"guy" flick, and for kids, but you and I (wink, wink) know better,
Best SlingShot could do was take me to see "Wild Hogs,"
which was a little boring, because it was just exactly like every
you've ever been on.
Funny you should mention that particular photo of the Bones Jersey.
I would love to put some flames on it, but currently Nuclear
Dan Buckley owns the rights, as he has already Photoshopped the
definitive revelation of SlingShot truth using it. My hands
are (wink, wink) tied.
Doesn't matter though, because American Road Cycling was all
prepared to publish Nuclear's smaller than actual size
renderings, but Humberto already negotiated a limited distribution
deal and subsequently spewed it all over the Internet. The photo is
used goods, a tainted commodity.
I am surprised you haven't already seen it.
TOE CLIP'S SPECIAL TOP SECRET MESSAGE:
Nobody but Toe Clip should read this.
Toe Clip, that special little bit of information I gave you
will allow you to report your presence in situations where you might
otherwise remain covert. Additionally, that other special little bit
of information will allow you to do that other particular thing we
spoke about that most people aren't even aware they can't do yet.
Unfortunately, your gain in the
is going to be American Road Cycling's loss, because all
those extra IP#'s that were previously credited as Unknown
Viewers will now be rolled up into one single Toe Clip Report.
Seems like we are never going to climb out of the "only 3 people
ever visit this site" category.
In any case, make sure not to mention a word about your little
tidbits to anyone (in any place, in any way), and I myself will not
place a single word about this on the American Road Cycling
web site. For this to work, we have to be extra careful about not
discussing any information whatsoever related to methods and
practices, so neither those special gifts you received, nor the
paragraph's that you are now reading exist.
EVERYBODY'S AN ARTIST
photo 03/18/07 by Humberto Turtle Boy
Every middle aged man eventually does three
1) Lets their belly go.
2) Dresses up as a woman for Halloween.
3) Becomes a photographic docu-artist.
photo 03/18/07 by Humberto Turtle Boy
The bottom photo is the less artistic of the two, because it merely
documents just how far Turtle Boy's neighbor Paul Latrine will
go to sell him a new MeiVici. If only Humberto had dangled the
prospect of upgrading to a custom paint job, Paul would have
shoveled right to his door.
Editor's Note: By the way, Humberto, you know they speak
Portuguese in Brazil, and right now in Brazil it is not merely
"summer like" as in Portugal. Rather, it is summer! Not to mention
they enjoy energy resource independence. Maybe you could pop down
their and pick up some alternative fuel lawn care equipment to
really wow the Tuxedo crowd.
The American Road Cycling snoop squad just
intercepted the following messages from the Internet:
Subj: Re: Fw:
Date: 07-03-17 16:17:53 EDT
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Humberto Cavalheiro)
To: Giant fucking CC list, deleted here due to we ain't assholes
I will be riding with only Pros.
----- Original Message -----
From: Douglas Allen
To: Humberto Cavalheiro
Sent: Saturday, March 17, 2007 10:21 AM
Subject: Re: Fw:
Riding in Portugal?
----- Original Message -----
From: Humberto Cavalheiro
To: Giant fucking CC list, deleted here due to we ain't assholes
Sent: Friday, March 16, 2007 2:35 PM
I will be in Portugal Tuesday, March 20th.
Editor's Note: Apparently Humberto has not lost his taste for
pricey Euro hookers. Ride hard, Humberto, ride hard. We probably
shouldn't have said that, because if Jen sees it she'll poop her
panties... but not till she gets back from Portugal of course.
SON OF SPAM: Here is the
follow-up of the 03/16/07 awarding to Turtle Boy of his very
own copy of the Nuclear Dan Buckley Photo Essay. First
Turtle Boy mistakenly received a TIF (which he could not
view), but then we sent a JPG version which he did view. The
following response was immediately return posted:
I got it now! Are you ok, Mary? That must be very painful for
Bob's muscle appears to be just like a time trial bike, rock hard
and difficult to ride for an extended time. Does health insurance
pay for that much viagra? With such a size, can he blow himself ?
Humpty the Turtle Pork
To which The Black Widow replied:
We sent this picture to you, and to you alone, because we are sure
all the other wieners can't handle the truth..........
Widow Widow Mary
So there you have it. The pic is outa the bag. That lays to moot our
online survey for whether or not we should or should not publish the
Nuclear Dan Photo Essay.
Even if you were still allowed to post on the Chatter Box, your vote
would be null and void.
Humberto's CC list is slightly smaller than the combined phone books
of the Tri-State area, so we are quite certain the jpg has already
been more than published widely, especially since we mentioned to
his Turtleness that he had the one and only copy. Quite
certainly the photo has been thoroughly distributed by Humberto
Turtle Boy Cavalheiro himself, SON OF SPAM.
Editor's Note: Of course, we also had to send one
complimentary copy of the photo to Dr. Artie Art Artie,
seeing as how he had such a large roll in the essay.
But just remember, you didn't see it here first.
Good thing the Chatter Box is closed. We won't have to hear about
TURTLE DREAMS: Yesterday the ARC
Staff received the following e-mail:
Only in NY do we go from 60/70°
to a lovely motherfucking 12 inches of snow within 48 hours.
Do you have an extra room?
Yes, we do in fact have a spare room. It is over at Paul's house.
Editor's Note: Upon receiving the e-mail above, American
Road Cycling immediately awarded Testudines his very own copy of
the Special Edition pictorial essay by Nuclear Dan Buckley.
We are sure Mr. Chelonia took one look at it, got hot under the
collar, tucked in his head, and is a lot warmer now.
THE WIDOW ASKS: Over time the
American Road Cycling janitorial staff (The Black Widow)
has received numerous photos from various sources, all with the same
That thread is: very, very, very fat chicks who are certainly (for
them) dressed in inappropriate attire. These photos are never
published here because of possible copyright infringement.
Otherwise, it has gone so far as for one person to have submitted an
entire yearly calendar of very, very, very fat chicks. Plus, as if
their factual appearance were not garish enough, many of these very,
very, very fat chicks were additionally Photoshopped to even greater
In any case, the repetitive nature of this tawdry exercise (photos
of very, very, very fat chicks) has caused The Black Widow to
recently ask, "With all these cyclists sending around photos of
very, very, very fat chicks, I wonder if very, very, very fat chicks
spend their day e-mailing each other pictures of skinny cyclists
dressed in spandex. Do you think that is what they think is funny?"
And no, we do not need for anybody to be commenting on this.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED: Today was
supposed to be the publication of one more Daily Pants left
over, despite the promise of yesterday that they were all done,
More about that later. Right now I am so tired I can barely see
Today (03/13/07) started out ok. We took The Black Widow's
bike into a local shop to get the pulley assembly looked at. It was
hanging up and allowing her chain to drag across the rear wheel
We had set up the service appointment the day before, so we could
get in at 10:00 am, go for our walk, come back and get the bike
before an afternoon ride. We had planned a Century on a trail that
we'd just been told about.
If only we could go into a bike shop for servicing without bringing
our bike. Soon as we came back for pickup, the shop owner herded us
away from the maintenance engineers, cornered us, and said something
like this to Mary:
"I notice you have a high-end Serotta with top of the line
components. Apparently you are a stupid old bitty, and you have way
too much money in your pocket. I believe I can help you with both
those problems. I will just drain off a big chunk of that change
into my own bank account, and during that process you will probably
be smartened up considerably. Let's start with the fit. I notice
your saddle is too low in front. When is the last time you were
The Black Widow chirped, "The seat is pitched forward on
purpose, because I have an overly sensitive clitoris."
She thought that would end the conversation, but it didn't.
"Well, I was just noticing the handlebars are not correct. Do you
have any problems with your hands, neck, shoulders, etc?"
"The rest of my bike is fit ok. I put in over 8,000 miles a year, do
a very competitive 36 mile ride with hills just about every week and
am pretty comfortable doing it with a 21.5 average. I am 55 years
old, and never have any discomfort, so I think the fit is pretty
"I was just checking. I have been doing bicycle fittings for 23
years, and have found that not many people do them correctly. If
it's been awhile since you've been fit, I have a fit cycle right
So I jumped in, "Well, actually we get fit all the time. We ride
just about every day with Paul Latrine, Serotta's Master Fitter. He
put together Serotta's fit school, established a certification
program, and gives fitting seminars all over the U.S. and numerous
countries off-shore. He is a bit obsessive about proper fit, so he
constantly fine tunes our position during rides. He more or less
wrote the book on fit."
"Do you know Paul?"
"No I don't."
Then we went out for our ride, and got lost on the way, because
MapQuest maps are totally useless. The woman at the toll booth said,
"Oh, yeah that's the road you want, but there is not an exit for it
on this highway. You have to go up to the next exit, about 5 miles,
turn around, come back through the toll, go another six miles back
the way you came, take another exit then your first right..."
By the time we got to the trail (Sun Coast Trail), we had been
watching it for some time, because it runs along the side of the Sun
Coast Highway where all this map crap/toll booth shit took place. We
were really excited to get going, because it looked like a great
place to ride.
We started by going into the wind figuring we could come back with a
tail wind. I was working like a dog, but was heartened by seeing
that all the little surveyor markers on the chain link fence along
the way were blowing into my face. It was very consistent, so I knew
that as soon as we turned around, my effort would be rewarded.
However, there was one unexpected problem. Here's the deal.
Have you ever noticed a large wall of wallpaper, and how there may
be a floral design on it that at first glance appears to be varied
over the entire wall, but on closer inspection you realize it is
just a small section of design that is regularly repeated over and
Well, in the graphic design world, that is in fact called a
"repeat," and it turns out the Sun Coast Trail is founded on the
same principle. You ride a straight section in the open sun for a
few hundred yards, curve to the left into some sparse pines, turn
back right up a slight incline, left over a marsh bridge with a
harder narrower surface (complete with yellow line), then another
slight left downhill, and back right onto a straight again. Do it
again, and again, and again. The same trees are potted in the same
position at each little landscaping break. Pretty soon you feel like
a déjà vu would be much less redundant and a considerable relief.
The Black Widow didn't even get the benefit of that much
variation, because she quickly thought, "Well, there's nothing to
see here," and just focused on my wheel.
Anyway, you get the picture: massively boring repeats into a bare
knuckle headwind. Hot burning sun notwithstanding, this is the shit
that got us to finally call it quits down here last year, when Mary
said, "Let's go home. I don't care if it's 40 fucking below up
there, this constant headwind screaming in my ears is driving me
At the first cross road, Mary piped, "Bored enough? Sick enough of
that howling wind? We can turn around anytime you like. How far have
"What?! That's not even my warm-up for The Hump."
Nearing the 15 mile mark I said, "Let's go another half mile and
turn around. We are still on a 20 mph average. We'll turn out of the
wind, go back easier, and just try to stay over 20."
"We've only gone another half mile?"
Shouting, "No, I said we'll only go another half mile!"
"Sorry, I can't hear anything with this wind. Sounds good to me.
Let's at least get to that next overpass."
The first few hundred yards after the turn around were indeed
easier. Very nice to have a tail wind. I had just settled in for our
quicker, easier return when I felt a little gust hit my left side
and wobble me briefly. Another 10 yards and another buffet. Then the
wind intervals came closer and closer. Pretty soon I realized the
little surveyor flags had turned 180°
and were now full on in my face again. It didn't take much more of
that for me to throw in the towel and let the Noire-stress
We did find one target, a strong young tri-athlete down in her aero
bars whose head snapped helplessly as we blazed past into the wind.
But the best part was watching The Black Widow's own head
snap when I said, "She's toast. We've only got 8 miles to go."
Then later, "Only 4 miles to go."
"Only 3 to go... 2 to go... 1 and a half to go... "
"What?!... "What?!... "What?!... NOOOO!"
We finished 18.9 (sure would have like to have that 19), and now I
can't even see straight.
So that's why there is no Daily Pants left over. It would
have taken way too much energy to write. Here's why.
Toward the end of The Daily Pants, Nuclear Dan
submitted one of his own, an apparent pre-emptive strike on his own
pantsing. There were two problems with his picture.
The first problem was that it was considerably funnier than any we
had done, while it stepped on my big punch line that I had been
building over the week. This first problem was fixed with the
publication of the Grand Paul Finale. Dan's is still funnier,
but it can't step all over my punch line.
The second problem is that it is decidedly a triple XXX version
pantsing. That makes it hard to decide how to handle it. I had a
plan, but the effort of putting it together was going to be way too
much for my wind addled, cycle sales accosted, hungry assed self to
deal with. Not to mention, we also wasted energy checking out a town
north of here to see if we want to winter there next year.
Turns out that place has basically nothing of what is here, except
the traffic. I was so disgusted that I snapped, then napped on the
couch all evening.
In any case, before I go through the trouble of doing Dan's work
justice, we should get a quick read on whether anybody even wants to
see it or not.
Paul has already said, "No, it's over the line. Don't do it."
To which I responded, "That's it. Now, we are doing it for sure...
and we are saying it is sponsored by Stinkature Silos!"
Be advised, this is no bullshit. The thing is actually disgusting,
and not merely implied disgusting as the Finalitas
Pantsing. Also be advised it is far funnier than any of the
rollovers American Road Cycling just published. SlingShot
is the butt of it, which is also a plus.
So you guys make the call. If we get a strong percentage of regular
viewers who can't help themselves, but who just NEED to see it, it
will be published, along with a little rant on taboos.
Cast your vote in
Just place a comment (Yea or Nea) using your known nom or name, from
a known IP#.
No vote will be considered a "No" vote. It will take about a half
dozen "Yes" votes to trigger publication.
Otherwise, sorry I was too tired to write anything today. Thank
The Black Widow and her special activity plans.
03/11/07 BETHEL RESULTS
Didn't know if you heard results from yesterday's Bethel Series.
Cat 4: In a great team effort Joe Straub in a photo finish
got first place, edging out last week's second place finisher by
inches. Team DKNY/Stinkature Silos worked hard at holding
back the Peloton while Joe broke away. Doug Allen took 12th place,
Glenn Babikian 14th place, and George Meyer finished with the field
after doing his duty keeping Joe resting at the front.
The rest of the team was really feeling their earlier effort in
the Masters race and finished with the Peloton. George Meyer was
involved in a nasty crash—no injury to himself, new wheel needed.
One rider was seriously injured and sent by ambulance to the
In a dumb effort to bridge an attack on the last lap of the Cat 5
race Dan McNeilly was happy to see his legs give out on the final
hill-climb to the finish. He went from 3rd place to finishing in the
middle of the field in a matter of seconds.
Paul Latrine applied the technical term to this well known
maneuver. It was a Premature Acceleration.
Palletman Dan McNeilly
Editor's Note: Palletman, we did not know that you are one of
them woodsman hunter types. Maybe you are a little out of shape from
spending so much time in the bush dressed in bright orange and
carrying a big hunting rifle.
In any case, you might want to spend the remainder of today staying
off the American Road Cycling web site and Googling hunting
Assemble lots of lots of pictures so you are thoroughly familiar
with the look, feel, and details of a wad. Next time don't shoot
You may still shoot yourself in the foot. That's ok.
Original photo by Paul Latrine, stolen without
Here's a special treat!
The above photo is the penultimate in the Daily Pants series.
Tomorrow will be the Holocaustic Ad Hominem Metaphysique Top Pick
Best In Show Best of Breed Massive Meltdown Spectacular Ultimate
Finale of the Daily Pants series.
Tomorrow's installment will lay bare all the artifice which has
become part, parcel, and synonymous with the pitiful existence of
Paul Latrine. This unfettered exposure of his personal signature will
leave no doubt whatsoever regarding the horrid secret he has been
hiding from the world under his voluminous shorts.
We don't want to do it, but we feel a deep responsibility to the
regular readers of the American Road Cycling web site, and we
will take the heat so that others may be informed and cautioned away
from a dire situation.
There will be no more Pantsing after that. There probably
should not have been any in the first place.
When the last Pants episode is published, the selection above
will be relegated to
ROLLOVER HEAVENwith the rest of them.
THE DAILY PANTS
Original photo by Paul Latrine, stolen without
Dan, we should start dressing like the
old 7-Eleven team. It's all the rage.
Everything is pretty straight forward here. Not much to add.
Especially considering the revealing Finalitas Pantistravaganza of
Paul Latrine is just a couple days away.
Everybody is going to be shocked and dismayed to see what is under
Paul's shorts. But after seeing the show, not a single person is
likely to be left wondering why Paul is exactly the way that he is,
and why he works so hard to hide the heavy hard fact which his
But that is still a couple days away. Tomorrow we have a special
treat provided by Nuclear Dan Buckley. Do not miss it.
In the meantime, in anticipation of the upcoming Paulverizing,
you are best advised to put in some more practice looking at
rollovers while holding back your spontaneous gut reactions in
We are taking a day off from The Daily Pants in order to award
Cranky Mary Beth Henderson the prestigious SlingShot Sick-Alike
Award. Although there is no monetary aspect to this award, Cranky
does receive our thanks for submitting an un-retouched photograph of
herself which required no Photoshopping whatsoever.
Given the angle, this photo was probably taken by
so we could probably get permission by handing over
a biscuit, but we'd rather steal it, so we did.
In some instances the rhinovirus
can be quite devastating.
The rest of you might like to refresh your memory of how this
current photo contest (now completed) began. For context see the
SlingShot with Cold photo.
For those who are disappointed in this temporary break from the
ongoing pantsing, you
might like to take this time to
go to rollover heaven.
UPDATE: You guys don't know how
lucky you are that there's been a backlog in Spandex. Unfortunately,
American Road Cycling may have to intervene again. After all,
it's for the good of the sport.
BLAH, BLAH, QUACK, QUACK:SlingShot just spent the afternoon
going through some of the things that DO NOT work anymore, and pages
that DO NOT LOOK LIKE THEY DID after he updated his browser. So not only is he totally unaware
how things are going to look on other people's computers, he doesn't
even know how things are going to look on his own computer.
Guess this isn't much of a surprise to many people, but that doesn't
make SlingShot feel any better about it. Time for an afternoon ride.
BTW: While he was just checking this page, he noticed that things do
in fact still look the same when coming off the server. They are
only different on his own computer. Fuck Microsoft again, and again,
THE DAILY PANTS
Unexpectedly, somebody found it necessary to complain about the new "pants"
Although The Black Widow had already spent the whole day
preparing the next installments (4 in all, with a big finale using Paul Latrine), we
are responding to the complaint immediately, because we take people's concerns very seriously and treat
with the respect and attention they deserve. It is almost as if these people
are all SlingShot's sons, or, in this case, SlingShot's daughter.
Here is the e-mail received, and the American Road Cycling prompt
I'm writing to COMPLAIN ABOUT THE DAILY PANTSING.
Pants me! It will make my legs look thinner!
Cranky Mary Beth Henderson
No need to complain, Cranky, we agree that your legs do need
attention. Though we are sick and tired of seeing SlingShot's
sorry state after The Black Widow has smacked him around
again for giving them too much attention. Not to mention, as Grant Salter once said under his breathe to
his wife (just slightly louder than he planned, and
one time only), "Your ass could use a little work too."
Therefore, we performed your requested "pantsing," and
found that you were 100% correct. Under your Lycra your legs are
significantly thinner than we imagined!
Thank you for allowing us to help you out with this.
Original photo probably by Rich Lawrence (Big
but we don't care. We stole it anyhow.
Anybody else wishing to complain is referred to the submittal
IN AN UNRELATED STORY: FG has been nominated ex post facto
in this year's Granny Awards for the category of
Pre-cognitive Self-flagellation, pursuant to
his most recent self posted My Personal SlingShot which
perfectly matched an earlier Certified Shotting which itself
had not yet been written.
In fact the earlier True Shotting was neither written nor
posted until several hours later.
FG's award would have been significant had he not already lost the
Granny competition to other combatants several days earlier.
Next year's pre-cognition submittals should probably be completed
prior to the actual competition, but we are just guessing ahead.
SNOOPERY KUDOS: Kudos to UV71/44
for Googling their way to SlingShot's music site, which is in
full languish mode due to all the effort being wasted on American
Road Cycling, computer melt-downs, etc.
Enjoy those mp3's. An updated web friendly version of Impulse and
Strength was supposed to be posted by Spring, but we'll see. If
I don't have to scrub my hard drive and start from scratch again, it
BTW: Nuclear Dan has the full album on his mp3 player and reports,
"I really enjoy your tunes, Bob. I always like music that nobody
RACE RESULTS: Here's what the
little birdies are chirping about the 03/04/07 Bethel Spring
Series race results.
TP Joe Straub: 1st place in Cat 4, 2nd in
Masters, also won a Prime with assist from George Meyer
Twin George Meyer: 4th overall in Cat 4, also 2nd in a
field sprint, plus assisted Joe Straub's 1st place finish
Dangerous Dan Sullivan, Doug Allen, Pretty Boy Glen Babikian,
and Andreas Runggatscher all served as support crew. These people
are all ostensibly members of the
Stinkature Silos Race Team, however, it is unclear whether they
were racing as such, because they were not wearing the team jerseys.
When asked to comment Poor Latrine stated, "The team clothes aren't
here yet. I decided to wait until everybody else gets in shape in
order to avoid drawing too much attention to the team by having the
jerseys appear at the front of races. Later in the season it will be
much easier for these boys to hide in back."
American Road Cycling predicts that Glen Babikian and Andreas
Runggatscher will quickly rise above their support positions,
because they have names that ring true as International elite
cyclists. Their names are hard to spell, and impossible to
pronounce. There is no better bench mark for cycling success.
In an unfortunate side note, it appears that Palletman will
not be participating as a team rider. When he asked as to the
commitment that would be required to be a team member, he was told
there are three requisites:
1) No noogies
2) No wedgies
3) And no viewing the American Road Cycling web site
Dan's response was, "You lost me at no noogies."
JUST A QUICK THOUGHT: ?
COMPUTER MONITOR SURVEY: Well,
things went pretty much as expected with the computer monitor
The Black Widow and SlingShot toured the Tampa Bay
area Big Box computer stores and got treated like shit. Plus they
were given misleading, or outright wrong, information at almost
One final straw came when a youngster at a Staples, who had only
middling computer skills, tried to convince SlingShot that
the answer to all his problems was to get a Mac. He looked shocked
after he asked SlingShot why he would not even consider
wasting his time with a Mac, and was told, "...because they suck!"
When he still would not let go of the subject, but mentioned that
Macs are the absolute best thing at whatever it was he thought we
were doing, and they were the best because they have much better
monitors than PC's, The Black Widow almost clobbered him but
only said forcefully, "Forget it. We use both. And the Mac sucks."
camera we use in the studio scans at 126 mega pixel resolution.
Yes, you read correctly, that's 126, not the paltry 12 (just twelve)
mega pixel's currently lauded by manufacturers of high end hand held
cameras. The pixel count only gives us an accessible comparison, the
color provided is just beyond comparison.
Not to mention, the camera was purchased five years ago, so we were
far ahead of the curve then, and remain ahead today, and are as
shocked as you to find that we are probably going to stay ahead for
some time to come. Our camera and system (put together by the same
people who put together the same system for the Museum of Modern Art
in NYC) cost what a small house and modest property would have cost
at the time of purchase, and the monitor we use for studio work is a
Barco CRT color proofing monitor which cost over $5,000.
Not that money is itself a determining factor, but sometimes one
just has to anti up and pay for shit. We can assure you the Staples'
sales guy has never even heard the name Barco.
So we get a little upset when somebody jumps past any conclusions
they might derive through asking questions, but try to explain how
unfortunately stupid we are. Especially when they follow it up with,
"Yeah, I use a PC myself. But I've heard..."
Other smacks against the face came when another sales associate at a
CompUSA explained that only the very computer we were standing in
front of could be hooked up to their Internet, and their laptops
were off-line by technical necessity... that's just the way
they work. This just a day after I was in an Office Depot that had
all their laptops online. Plus two years ago this particular CompUSA
had every computer in the store hooked up, and that is what had
prompted me to put together a
comparison test page for the next time we were in FL and had a
rainy day off from cycling.
Oh yeah, there was also that person in another Office Depot who told
me most of the laptops were hooked up wirelessly to the Internet,
but I'd have to check each to see if they were getting a signal. I
did, and they didn't.
I will admit that if these numbskulls were working for me, I'd also
make damn sure none of them had work time access to the Internet.
And then, right next to that final Office Depot, was the real
shocker... which still has me stuttering.
We stopped into a smaller Computer Renaissance store. My
thought was, "There isn't going to be anything in this little hippie
dippie store (guess I've lived near a Renaissance Fair too
long), but here it is, so lets take a look."
When we came in the owner approached us easily and allowed
immediately that we could have our way with the laptops lined around
a shelf that ran the length of the walls. Yes, they were all online.
He cautioned that he was downloading some big files at the moment,
so some things might run a little slower till he finished. When I
told him I was just doing a monitor survey to make sure my web
designs had a slight chance of being seen the way I designed them,
he sparked immediately with understanding and said, "Have at 'em."
Then he went back to work and didn't bother us.
Mary was shocked beyond belief. "Wow. He sure was nice. What's up
I had to think for a moment, because I too was pretty shocked,
but I looked around and realized, "The difference here is that this
is a REAL computer store."
And it was.
Best I can tell, Computer Renaissance is a franchise set up
to allow people with actual skills to compete with the overpowering
promotional advantage and purchasing power afforded to the Big Box
stores. They even use the term "Big Box" on their corporate web site
as part of their "About Us" explanation.
They sell new, used, refurbished, and store built computers with a
focus on service and rational equipment that is suited to purpose.
In terms of service, I've never been in a major chain that could
compete with the level of expertise provided in this smaller, more
focused, slightly out of the way shop.
I looked over an excellent selection of used HP, IBM, Gateway, and
Dell computers. You could get a truly useful slightly older Dell
laptop (with the emphasis on useful) for only $300. And that
includes contact with an actual service person whom other industries
might call a wrench. That is to say, you not only buy it, you
immediately know somebody who can make sure it works and fix it
themselves if it stops working.
I probably don't have to tell any of you people who are accustomed
to hanging around the maintenance engineers in the back rooms of
bicycle shops just how special this is, but just in case:
I told the owner, Randy Steen, how refreshing it was to be treated
like a human, and especially like a human who might know something,
and he asked, "The other stores didn't?"
When I briefly mentioned the events above, he remembered that soon
after leaving an IT position with a major supplier of networking and
computer products, where he worked with Novell, NT, Cisco, etc, he
found himself looking for part time work and approached one of the
Big Boxes with an offer to come in and help out, but he was told
that he didn't have enough experience.
Guess they were looking for somebody who could make a person feel a
lot smaller than Randy is capable of doing.
But here's the kicker.
When I asked for a business card and the URL of his web site, he
handed me the card but referred me to the corporate franchise web
Apparently even top professionals working directly in the computer
industry have found true what I have often observed and commented on
here. For people who have actual skills or products to sell,
the Internet is basically worthless.
In any case, I left the store wanting to run up and down the street
and accost random people by screaming, "Do you know what excellence
is? Do you know what's in that store, right there? Get in there and
learn. " I wanted to start tackling people going into the Office
Depot next door and telling them, "Don't even think about it. Get in
that little store over there!"
I have been looking for a place like this for some time. There used
to be more of them. Now they are rare. For one thing, they can
recycle old stuff.
I have given away about two dozen computers that were not anywhere
close to being useless, but were just a bit behind my expanding
need. The only problem for the people who received them from me was
that they came without any support whatsoever.
Here is someone that is almost giving away excellent
computers, but who will provide aid and support afterwards. The
Black Widow concluded, "Now there's no excuse for anybody to let
their kid show up to school without a computer."
When we get back to NY, we are packing up the ton or so of used
wires, backup drives, odd connections, SCSI terminators, and such
stuff that fills a couple of our closets and shipping it all down to
this little shop that might be able to use it. Randy promised that
what he can't use, he'll recycle for us.
I may yet live to be rid of all this clutter.
Oh yeah, not that he needs you to know, but here's his contact info:
16008 U.S. 19 North
Clearwater, FL 33764
Depending on the weather, SlingShot and The Black Widow
are going to San Antonio, FL this morning for the local version of
Hump, complete with hills.
Anybody in NY with a backbone will be hooking up with Toe Clip
Guy today for an actual workout. Apparently, Monsieur Clip
is getting ready for racing. No, we do not mean dressing up like a
racer, but actually racing, so there is likely to be some level of
pain involved in riding with him.
DISCLAIMER: Before anybody starts on a rant about what
SlingShot has correctly stated about Apple computers, he must
admit that there is one aspect of a Mac which is truly over the top
excellent and without peer.
They have the best motherfucking television commercials on the
TRAFFIC REPORT UPDATE:
Yesterday's statement regarding Tampa area traffic that read in
part, "Yellow means floor it. And that is a reality, not a
statistic," was once again confirmed later in the morning when
SlingShot and The Black Widow went out for their morning
constitutional at the dog park.
They saw two vehicles in full draft mode speed up from about 45 to
55 in order to blow across their bow running a red light they'd
stopped at. Those two vehicles that bounced and careened through the
intersection in front of them were School Buses.
Today the adventure twins are working through a computer monitor
survey pursuant to SlingShot's recent big computer melt-down.
They will be hitting all the big box computer stores and checking
Endico.com gamut test (which they put together prior to leaving
NY, just for this occasion) to see if a useful summary of the
current state of the standard arts can be derived by viewing
the test on all computers hooked to the Internet.
This may mean an eventual overhaul of the look and feel of the
American Road Cycling site.
Yesterday at an Office Depot only the laptops were connected.
Unfortunately, the desktop which had a single computer feeding about
two dozen different monitors was disconnected, so their early
excitement at "hitting the mother load" was quickly abated. They are
hoping for better luck today.
PERFECT TIMING: Yesterday,
SlingShot had one of the hardest rides of his life. He probably
allowed it to happen, because he heard from one of American Road
Cycling's spies, who is wintering in Sugar Loaf, that Peetie KaKa has been
observed just about every morning
riding through town. That means he's still more or less on his
routine of last year which netted him 13,000+ miles for the year.
This doesn't bode well for SlingShot's aspirations of making
it past Ridgebury this year, maybe even to Dog Hill, so he allowed a
little more effort than was comfortable.
The extra effort wasn't planned, however, it just sort of worked out
that way. The
wind was supposed to be coming from the south, which meant the ride
would be the 44 mile Gulf Boulevard loop that takes a side trip through Passe Grille, then out
around the Fort De Soto Park loop, and back home. That way it'd finish
with a tail wind. Work hard out, come back fast.
Unfortunately, although the wind started from the south, it became
westerly as soon as the ride turned west, moved around briefly easterly when
the ride turned east, and ended with a northerly finale for the long
Combine those winds of change with SlingShot's only slightly
recovered cold, plus 10 days of added weight, and well... it felt
exactly like ALL rides used to feel to him. That is to say,
unbelievably long, horrible, and grueling, except for the ongoing
"I'm takin' your cheese, man!" aspect of fighting through
traffic, and holding one's life delicately by the calipers all the
The worst part of the ride was when SlingShot realized that
whining about it on American Road Cycling would earn him
nothing. It was merely another wretchedly humid 80°
sun shiny day, with bright blue skies and a gut wrenching 44 mile ride
with a 19+ average into the wind, past the big hotels, out and
along the beaches of
the low treed park, then back through the rush hour traffic. It would
only get everybody reading these pages back in snow blown Frigidville, NY all fucking jealous and pissed off.
Who would even care that The Black Widow spent the whole ride
remora'd to his wheel napping, and yakking about what a glorious day
it was... look out for that car... don't forget to drink... looks
like the bridge is up... that's it, I've had it, this is too
dangerous... this is fun... look out for that car.
To top it off, The Widow Noire has now become adept at riding
in close quarters with automobile traffic. She makes her own jumps
and swerves, without the need of SlingShot's prompting. She
weaves in and out of big car'd tourists and the dented pickups of
the dreaded local Crackers like she owns the road, the universe, and
everything in it... and she even enjoys a cheese grater bridge
take-over, grabbing the lane, and making traffic wait!
Even when the cars push past and almost rumble the metal mesh of the
bridges out from under her tire, she has realized that a car passing
at 45 miles an hour, just a foot off your wheel while being squeezed
closer to you by oncoming traffic, can be used as a drafting opportunity.
Just watch out your pedal doesn't clip the curb an inch to your
All this on roads that make 211 in Middletown, or 32 near Woodbury
Commons, look like a quiet and quaint country road where traffic
clomps along like an Amish octogenarian on Quaaludes. I mean, the
rides here start a few blocks from an intersection that hosts 2.5
wrecks per week. And that is a statistic, not a metaphor. Yellow
means floor it. And that is a reality, not a statistic.
This place sucks! But there is nobody to complain to (certainly not
the cycling misfits back in NY who would probably kill to be here,
and maybe be killed if they were here), and nobody to understand how
perfectly mistimed the headwinds were yesterday. So SlingShot
is just going to remain silent on the subject.
NEW WINNER: There has been a bit
of an uproar over all the attention that we have given to
Turtle Boy. Many are jealous over what they term is, "undeserved attention
and undue over promotion." In response we have opened up a new
category and already have a winner. Meet:
WHALE BOY! (guess who?)
In a totally unrelated matter: Looks like this
year's American Road Cycling contingent at the Farmlands
Century will not only be pulled for the entire 100 miles, there
is going to be such a draft put up that nobody will even have to
pedal. Too bad it's only going to be a 14 mph average.
RECORD ATTENDANCE: Yesterday,
show that a record number of viewers browsed the American Road
Cycling web site. There were 18 people here (not counting a few
IP#'s that have not yet been here the three times required to be
assigned a UV#), and this beats the previously recorded "most number
of visits in one day" from 02/08/07 which was 16. Generally there
are from 12 to 14 luminaries arriving. There has also been some
extra activity on the
recently. I'd bet it's snowing back in NY.
In any case, we are leaving the 02/27/07 installment on the home
page one more day, because a certain IP# that we are waiting for
has not yet arrived.
Great hearing from you. I'm sorry to hear that Bob has been sick.
Please tell him to stay off the bike as long as possible. That's
my advice to get well. Maybe a few months just to make certain there
is no relapse. This is doubtless my only chance to level the playing
field, seeing that I haven't so much as looked at my bike in over a
I'm pleased that the comics made a hit, and was stunned to see
that they were published so swiftly. I wish I had his computer
savvy, I'm still trying to figure out how to turn mine on.
Keep up the great work with your training, my jealousy is
unparalleled. We are one week away from my talk at the OCBC winter
meeting. I have between now and then to get whatever Bob has and
cancel my appearence.
In other news I decided once I turned over the calendar page to
February to start weight-lifting seriously again. So in the absence
of any sort of cycling, I'm banished to the Spartan domain that is
my basement. Somehow I think cycling is a lot more fun. Spring is a
matter of weeks away, though, so there's hope in the air.
Thanks for writing.
PS: Saw Rich Lawrence yesterday. He starts radiation soon. He was
very "matter of fact" about the whole thing... imagine that?
Editor's Note: If you are still trying to
figure out how to turn on your computer, Art, try stroking the little
button near the floppy drive slot. That usually works for us, but
remember that SlingShot suggests that anyone who really wants
to get the best use out of their computer should leave it turned off
anyway. In fact, remove it's power plug and toss it in the back of
the very next Waste Management truck that passes by.
As for Rich Lawrence being "matter of fact" about his
radiation, we would be totally shocked if we had not already
received the following:
Went to New York this past week for a simulation. Had to be one of
the best experiences so far. Just think, having a tube stuck in your
rear-end and being told not to move for 45 minutes while two
beautiful women grab hold of your (to quote Forest Gump) buttocks
and position you on a table. Then, best of all, they give you 3
permanent tattoos, so they know where to locate you on the table
while everything is downloaded into a computer.
Geeez, I told my son no piercings or tattoos, since I don't have
any—now look at me!
Sorry Mary, I'm not showing you my scar, or my piercing, or my
Happy Birthday Bob.
I start radiation on March 5th for 5 weeks, 5 days a week, ahhhh....
Lemon cake every day.
Editor's Note: So you see, Art, it's best to leave that
computer turned off.
After reviewing the American Road Racing website for details on your
riding adventures in Florida, I think the next time you need a
helping pull down the road, we'll just send Mondega out for you.
OOPs, forgot... Mondega has an electric fence !
Your truist of friends
Editor's Note: Guess it must be snowing real
hard up in New York. Look what it has blown up under the eaves and
flushed out of the woodwork. Or maybe it's just that people like
pictures of puppies. But that doesn't clear up our confusion over
the fact that we have no record whatsoever of Doug ever having been
on the American Road Cycling web site. Maybe that's why he
called it American Road Racing. Just to be safe, we
better leave Mondega on the home page for one more day.
Mondega is suffering from a combination of depression and frost
bite. She has been waiting for you outside.
Mondega loves to see everyone coming back from the Sunday rides, and
she gets very excited when you finally finish your ride 1 or 2 hours
later, or Mary comes back with you in the back of that big truck
totally passed out like road kill. But that's not important.
The problem is Mondega is missing you, she may not make it till
Please came back !
Humberto (Turtle Boy)
Mondega wrapped and waiting.
Editor's Note: SlingShot is currently
working hard to make sure that next year nobody finds him so fun and
easy to beat that they long for him over the winter and put words in
their dog's mouths.
Caught on tape live: The latest adventure of The Black
Widow. Unfortunately, American Road Cycling cannot be
held responsible for the content, impact, and repercussions of
widespread distribution of this video. It is only published here as
a public service in hopes of sparing others the misfortune of
watching it. Please take it upon yourself reveal the ending to all
who may listen and help them avoid viewing this wretched spectacle.
"Not suitable for general consumption." - Times Hinky Record
"Please leave children at home." - The American Council on Time
"Two thumbs down." - SlamCrank & CaliperGirl
TIME OFF FOR BAD BEHAVIOR (back in a week or so)
Man, all that Winter Hump stuff sure wore me out.
TOUR DE CALIFORNIA RESULTS: Hope
you are all getting to watch the early season races. Wouldn't you
have to say that Jason Donald was very much torn between joy and
horror to realize that he had just finished the Prolog Time Trial
in a lowly second place, after the unbeatable time that he set going out
7th (a course record) was not beaten until the very last person,
Levi Leipheimer, who beat him by about a second and a half.
Where's the joy you ask?
Well, Liggett and Roll had already started blaming the time keeper
for a major mistake, since it looked like nobody (even the greatest
of the greats) was going to come close to beating the time that this
unknown rookie had posted. Jason wasn't going to get to enjoy
first place anyway.
He probably went straight from, "Jeesus, I'm beat," to "Thank god
somebody beat me! I'm in no mood to get Landis'd (Lance'd if you
must) so fucking early in the season."
In any case, everybody should keep reading the I Love the Winter
Hump results below, over and over until our return at the end of
this week. Joe gave us sweeter results, in a more interesting race
series (The Hump), and without a 72 hour marathon of commercials,
recaps, and head shots for an appetizer.
Right now Joe's putting the finishing touches on the list of who
gets T-shirts. We'll publish the list on our return.
COLD AND FLU ALERT: Well... I
gotta bit of a cold. So there you have it.
It was all Glen Pretty Boy Babikian, all day, at today’s
Final Installment of the
the Hump Winter Series. Babikian challenged TP Joe
Straub and Dan Palletman McNeilly to a drag race finish, then
overpowered them both.
Straub seemed to barely respond when, with ½ mile to go on the
modified Hump course finish (down Pumpkin Swamp Rd), Babikian shot
Straub cited training fatigue [read: "he cracked") for his lack of
response to the daring Babikian move. McNeilly was on Babikian’s
wheel immediately and was holding a comfortable position until
Babikian called upon “the reserves” to finish off McNeilly and take
the resounding victory.
Earlier in the race it was also Babikian who had forced the pace up
Ridgebury hill, dropping Andreas Runggatscher while McNeilly, Straub
and Mike Donnelly responded by, well... by hanging on.
Later in the race it was Babikian again, driving up Dog Hill
and putting the field on notice for the second time.
The winning time of 1:362:20 was strong, considering the wind and
ice patch conditions encountered by the 6 brave starters. Brand
New Bruce, proving once and for all that he is a true cyclist,
was once again a strong competitor among the race field.
Final race results and T-Shirt eligibility are under review of the
race director and the dissanctioning body, American Road Cycling.
American Road Cycling states, "the check is in the mail," but TP Joe
says there's no reason not to wait for it to get to NY. In the
contact Joe if you believe you qualify for a T, but fear that
for some reason you might be omitted due to something minor like you
never showed up for a single race, be sure to speak up. It would be
a shame for you to miss out due to a technicality.
Otherwise, if you missed it, you have 49 weeks to get ready for the
Editor's note: Nobody is much surprised by Pretty Boy's
performance. After all, he's been hanging around
TP Joe Straub. Also, a little birdie told us that
these final race results have forced that cheap-ass motherfucker
Poor Latrine to finally pony up and lodge a request waiver with CRCA
in order to grab Babikian, Runggatscher, and McNeilly, adding a
little bit of class to his little Race Team. If Poor Latrine
could be reached for comment he would say, "Merely the additional
spelling fees for Runggatscher alone had put everybody off
this previously. But given the Winter Hump results, we really
had no choice but to put them under contract. Dem boys is fast.
We'll just make them pay for their own stuff to make up for the
What do Anna Nicole Smith and SlingShot have in common?
Mother's name: Virgie.
Why should we care?
It answers most of the questions SlingShot had about Anna
Nicole, and all the questions the rest of us have about SlingShot.
The age old question regarding Lance's performance ("Ok, he does all right in
the Alps, but how would he do on Ridgebury?") has been answered.
In rerun yesterday, first run the night before, Lance was on the
Colbert Report. By the time Stephen was finished with him, Lance was
twitching like a nervous bunny rabbit, and could barely be restrained from
bolting after the interview.
Now we finally know how Lance would fare on Ridgebury. The man would
not stand a chance. We would gang up on him, start with low level
peppering puns, ratchet up the pressure to out and out double
entendre, and finish him off under a hail of non sequitur.
Maybe something like, "No you AIN'T retired...not till we SAY you're
Ridgebury is about more than just speed, strength, and endurance. Of
course, if Lance just took off and left everybody before the hill, he'd
miss the point.
If you've never been there, here's a little sample.
There was that moment last summer, soon after the front group had
turned off Pulaski, when I felt the lactic overload welling up
in my legs, and I spurted loudly, "I FEEL WATTS!"
"I FEEL WATTAGE!"
[quietly] "Not many."
I have no idea who was just behind me and mumbled that verbal abuse just quietly enough for everybody else to hear
clearly. The reason
for that is: it could have been anybody. Everybody that ever hits that
hill with the group has already proven themselves a rapier wit. Everybody.
From what was shown on Colbert, I'm afraid Mr. Armstrong would be pummeled
Lance did, however, prove himself a true champion by making
it through the entire interview without actually puking.
Editor's Note: We have taken SlingShot's
suggestion to republish his phone call to Lance from last month.
Let it provide context while SlingShot takes the time to
review the above, and try to remember why he ever thought making it
to Ridgebury for his ritual dropping was something to be sought
after. Click the audio icon at left, if you missed
the phone call to Lance.
FOR THE RECORD: There has been
some misunderstanding regarding this:
A number of people apparently believe the photo above is The
Black Widow's ass.
SlingShot is all flattered and shit, for people to assume
can put together a graphic like this in one of the 15 seconds or so, every
other day, that he allows for
On the other hand, Mary is upset; because, as she says, "The Black
Widow's ass sure looks a lot better than that!"
Turtle Boy is all upset; because, as he says, "That ain't MY
ass. Why you lookin' at ME like that!? Why you bringing up MY
In order to clear up the confusion, American Road Cycling is
providing photos of the original document from which the image for
our original article came:
Immediately above are photos of Bicycling Magazine, the March
2007 issue from which the bare butt came. These photos of the
magazine were taken this morning on the floor of the Floriduh Training Camp's sunroom, by the Widow herself.
On the left is the cover,
and on the right are pages 102-3, which show the ad as found on page 103.
Go find the issue at your local newsstand, or in
Art's office, to confirm it for yourself. Really, people. We cannot make
this stuff up, try as we might.
We also tried to find a link to show you this online, but the ISM
web site is too pitiful for words, and the Bicycling Magazine
site looks ok at first glance, but is totally useless otherwise.
You'd expect an advertiser like ISM would not waste their money on a
magazine that did not also include the ad on their web site, or at
least they would have the common sense to put it on their own web site—in order to tie
the promotional campaign into their other offerings.
SlingShot looked and looked and looked, but finally clicked
off the ISM site the moment he noted a reference to some saddle "review" on
another nonsense web site.
Why don't we all just make up a bunch of bullshit web sites, mention
all of our names on each other's sites, pat ourselves on the back,
and call it an industry standard.
Maybe all these pitiful sites are allowed to remain as they are because
parties involved are total idiots, imbeciles, or nincompoops. Except, maybe
they have all concluded (as SlingShot has correctly done)
that the Internet is basically worthless for any serious content, so
In any case, American Road Cycling apologizes for raising
everybody's expectations with the tempting thought that more photos
of "The Widow's" ass would be forthcoming.
No wonder Palletman has been riding so strong during the
the Hump Winter Series. He was doing reconnaissance training
working with his special equipment way back last summer. Some people
will do anything to get a
Obviously this was before the sans shorts training fad.
The ad copy above comes from the Bicycling Magazine, March
2007 issue, p. 103. It is used here without permission under the
rational assumption that it is a work for hire and Adamo is quite
happy to see it repeated as much as possible.
Otherwise, the specific context slant for American Road Cycling
suits our own purposes and is none of your business, except maybe
for the person who is the butt of our little joke. However, they
know who they are, and they know what they did. We are just laughing
our shorts off.
IN A TOTALLY UNRELATED STORY:
JackRabbit Sports in Manhattan is revising their cycling services
and have handed over all current client cycling athletes to
Stinkature Silos. American Road Cycling would like to remind all
bicycle manufacturers to take a moment and reflect before wrapping
your hands around Poor Latrine's neck. You never know when you might
wish he was still your distributor.
OFFICIAL PROTEST: Doug Allen was
erroneously left off the contestant list for
Race results WH #2, so we've given him a special opportunity to
whine about it here.
It is a special event when you brave those freezing temps, your
water bottle comes back with some slush in it, and you feel like a
dead person as you realize that Joe just beat the heck out of you.
Tell SlingShot, he better find a way to slow Joe down or there will
be no pulling him around OC this year.
Start bringing the 10 lb weights to tie to Joe's waist.
We totally understand part of Doug's complaint, but not so much the
rest of it.
SlingShot commiserates with the slush problem and understands
how aggravating it is. He himself loaded up his water bottle with
ice on the way out for his Saturday ride, but it had all melted down
to slush by the time he got home. So he understands.
TP Joe Straub being too fast, we don't really get
that part of the complaint. After all, Palletman finished
with him. How fast could that be?
A measly 10 or 20 lbs is probably going to make TP mad, not slower,
but if it's weights Doug wants, it's weights he'll get. SlingShot
is counting on that draft, and Bianchi has administrative
Editor's Note: Brand New Bruce (who was also left out
of the original account) reports that he was very happy to see
tradition continue. Bruce says, "I love going out for a friendly
little ride with those guys, but I was afraid the Winter Series
might change things. It was very heartening to see the group waited
not even a moment for stragglers."
You listening Nuclear Dan? Do you really want to see Brand
New Bruce show up in Harriman next summer wearing something you
can't have? Maybe you can roust BLASTER and drag his sorry
ass over to Big V with you.
By the way, where's Toe Clip, The Gapper, The
Dropper, Spin Guy, and Terry Bowdenin all this?
Speaking of girls,
Turtle Boy and Mr. "It's so cold my face hurts
when I go out for the mail" Poor Latrine are unlikely candidates,
but if Doug can do it, well...
HUMBERTO'S VARIATION ON A THEME:
Yesterday we published The Black Widow's special birthday
gift photo for SlingShot.
Humberto Turtle Boy Cavalheiro wrote:
Your web site seems to have a malfunction. I have been clicking on
The Black Widow's picture all day, and nothing happens !!!
To save Humberto spending another fruitless day looking at the photo
while playing with his pointer, we have fixed it. Hover to your
SlingShot himself did not waste the day like Turtle Boy.
Instead, he availed himself of The Black Widow's kind offer
of, "For your birthday, anything you like!"
So they did 34 miles on the Pinellas Trail at 17.3, instead of the
customary 40 at faster.
After turning around Mary exclaimed, "Sunday on the Trail sucks.
Pretty sad when you start being afraid of kids."
SlingShot reminded her, "The problem with kids is, with a
group of them swarming around, you can always be certain somebody is
gettin' their wings pulled off, or being boiled with a magnifying
glass. Doesn't change much as they get older. They just swap out
their tweezers and magnifying glasses for rifles and skinning
SlingShot always did think kids were scary, even when he was
Among the contestants were:Joe Straub,
(Race Director), Dan Palletman McNeilly, Dangerous Dan
ShitHead Haley, Glen Pretty Boy
Babikian, Mike Donnelly, Mike Maher, and Andreas Runggatscher.
[One of the above Mikes is Mountain Bike Mike, and the
other Tri-athlete Mike, but SlingShot is too consistently slow to
keep this straight in his head. Also, we believe Andreas rides a grey
Bianchi and wears grey tights, but we aren't allowed to mention
Bianchi or tights.
If Nuclear Dan Buckley were not pussying out of this series in
such a pussified manner, he'd be able to tell us definitively who was
who, but he'd still probably be mute on the tights issue, though he
might report on the ninth contestant, who we are betting was Toe
Clip Guy, or maybe The Gapper, and certainly not Mary Beth, nor
Blaster. Plus Doug said he'd rather spend the morning in a warmer
basement. Then again, it might have been Peetie Pete Peetie Kaka.]
McNeilly took no chances this week and rode with heavy duty,
deep-snow truck tires sewn up with forged titanium snow chains, in order to
avoid another two (2) flat ride. When asked if the heavy tires were
a hindrance McNeilly replied, “It pales in comparison to the weight
I lost this winter.”
[Purging are we, Dan?]
McNeilly’s fitness will make him a constant contender at this year’s
[At least until SlingShot and The Black Widow return from
Floriduh training camp.]
The race began uneventful, and the field held together throughout
Ridgebury Road, even after a forceful climb by Glen Pretty Boy
Babikian threatened to break things up.
[It has come to our attention that a certain unnamed Race Team
has cheaped out and is going to be very sorry they didn't sign this
Babikian guy on.]
It was the series of hills at the Camel Farm that finally separated
Straub, McNeilly and Babikian were joined by Dangerous Dan
Sullivan for a breakaway from the field which included
ShitHead Haley, Mike Donnelly, Mike Maher, and Andreas Runggatscher.
The quartet of front riders then hammered the pace into the wind
putting significant distance on the aforementioned field, which
ShitHead Haley et al.
McNeilly turned up the heat and got the race going near the end with
a forceful attack on the final hill of
[That is "Hard Core Hill," for all you hard core statistics
Babikian was slow to react when Straub jumped to close the gap.
Straub and McNeilly where further aided by a tractor-trailer backing
up in the middle of the road, and they just got by before Babikian
and Sullivan were forced to slow down and give the driver
[Last time something like this happened, Kevin Shithead Haley was
there and, "...peoples mothers were mentioned." Good thing Haley has
fallen off the pace of late. There could have been Incarceration Grade
The tractor-trailer opened a gap that was enough for McNeilly and
Straub to race to the finish.
Race Director, took the finish in 1:37:15 [Like that's a
surprise] a mere bike length ahead of Dan McNeilly.
[Actually, that is a surprise...surprising McNeilly finished in
the same County. And that's not just being pointed out because this
situation pisses SlingShot off...especially the 21.96 mph avg.]
Next week’s installment will be the final of the 3 week series.
Weather forecast is for “nice"
for the 10 am race time time. The
still available for all entrants and the two-race minimum has been
removed. Race entry fee is still zero dollars.
[If the trend of lowering the requirement bar for winning the
three (3), to two (2), and now to one (1) race continues, Joe will end up walking over to Nuclear Dan Buckley's
house in snow shoes, turning off Dan's television, wrestling him out
of his recliner, and wrapping him in the T-shirt himself.]
Editor's Note: Despite the massive increase in this week's
attendance—due to the American Road Cycling media blitz and
unfettered pile of
publicity stunts, we are still not happy with the
number of entrants.
We have decided the problem lies in the naming of the series, and
are therefore renaming the entire event retroactively.
While we are waiting, here is a brief story from Sling's and the
Widow's daily 40, yesterday on the Pinellas Trail.
It was just a little ways from the place the cops stopped us last
week with a flyer about how somebody got the shit kicked out of them
on the Trail, with a vague description of the suspect (25 or so,
such and such), and a warning to be careful.
So we were on notice that this section of the trail might not be:
THE BEST AREA. However, I was mildly shocked when we approached a
couple of dapper clad yutes (youths), sort of hunched over a little
bridge deeply engaged in whatever they were looking at below. I
wasn't so much shocked by their focused intensity, or posture, but
by the reflex of the younger one—about 13 or 14 years old—when we
As we passed I looked over to nod at them, and the younger fellow
flipped a startled glance back at me and at the same time made a
furtive gesture with his hand, which my gaze followed down his lower
back to the gun tucked tightly into his waistband—which gun he
I was caught off guard, so I merely finished my nod and passed
on, continuing my discussion with The Black Widow regarding all the
things she was doing wrong on the ride. However, next time I am
hoping to be more receptive to this sort of show of respect and
respond with the proper protocol.
I know there is a large range of appropriate response, given the
multitude of cultural situations in which one may find oneself, and
I do not want to be insensitive to anybody in their own home so to
speak. Therefore, I have been practicing my courteous response for
the next time this happens.
I have been chided in the past for my language, I am hoping to
pass this by Big Bianchi, in order to make sure I'm practicing the
right thing. Also, I want to make sure the wind doesn't muffle my
words and cause an unfortunate miscommunication.
I'm thinking, "HEY MOTHERFUCKER, YOU REACH FOR YOUR PIECE AROUND
ME AGAIN, AND YOU'LL BE GETTING AN OTTROTT SUPPOSITORY UP YOUR YOUNG
Everybody think that would be ok?
Editor's Note: Below is a photo (titled: To
Better Days) of SlingShot resting up before yesterday's ride.
By the way Lynn, if you or any of your girlfriends (other than
Twin George) would like to prove that you're man enough,
don't forget about the Love
the Hump Winter Series with the
T-Shirt. All you gotta do is show up two more Saturdays...
pretty easy to do, that is if you're man enough.
Oh yeah, ask
Dr. Gulak to loan you a Snickers bar. See what he has to
say about that.
Editor's Note: USCF
regulations dictate that every time we run a photo of Travis (such
as above), we are mandated to repeat our special audio message to
him. That is why you will find an audio icon at left. We are
required by law to give Cleetus every possible opportunity to hear
it again, despite the fact we are not affiliated with, consigned to,
nor auspicized by any known or unknown governing body or
organization, neither here, there, nor in between. [Apologies to the
INTERESTING TIDBIT: Review of the
reveals that Twin Lynn has missed only one day so far this month.
Oddly, that is the very day in which American Road Cycling
Chatter Box received
this post to which SlingShot responded accordingly. We
are not insinuating anything, we are just saying...it is
SPECIAL MESSAGE FOR KEVIN HALEY Go to hell!
And stay there.
E-mail me your logo/artwork, and I'll add it to the shirt.
Joe sounds tired. Must be all that putting off training 'til
In any case, SlingShot maintains a strict policy of
normalizing all work flows. If that term doesn't mean anything
to you, it basically means doing something once and using it many
times. So instead of merely preparing artwork for Joe, we posted a
page of logos so future requests can be referred to:
The American Road Cycling Logos Page.
Hmm...seeing Christian with his new bike (above) got me thinking
about how old I've gotten. Most of you probably don't realize just
how old I am, and so probably won't believe this, but I am so old I
can actually remember when Kevin Shithead Haley was fast.
Oops. Guess this site is not ever going to be family oriented. No
matter how many kids with new bike photos we post.
CATCH UP BALL: Initial review of
the large CC list that accompanied
Joe Straub's last e-mail to one of SlingShot's
minions left the impression that everybody on ARC would see it via
broadcast mail, so it was not published here. A second look revealed that
lots of people (those who have better sense than to allow their
names on a broadcast list) would miss it. These are people who are
very important to us, and they are people who would really like to
update, because these are people who are always eager to read
something about cycling that is better written than SlingShot's
daily schmear—if it is not stuffed willy-nilly into their morning
So here's the restatement of something some of you have already
Joe Straub won the first installment of the Love the Hump Winter
Series after the field flatted out twice.
Under a cloud of suspicion, Straub completed the first installment
in a time of 1:52:11. There were no other finishers. Kevin Haley and
Dan McNeilly DNF'd after flatting twice midway through the race.
"It was the strangest thing," puzzled McNeilly, "Haley and I were
following Straub both times when we flatted out."
Haley refused comment, but was overheard discussing the matter with
Straub is the race director of the event and has deferred all
questions concerning the matter to American Road Cycling, the
body for this event.
McNeilly has questioned the lack of neutral support in an event of
this size. "No course marshals, no sag vehicle, no medical
attention," exclaimed McNeilly, "Haley and I could of died out there
Straub has stated that the series rules have changed:
Registration remains open, and cyclists need only complete two
of the three races in order to qualify for the
Registration Fees remain a nominal Zero Dollars, payable in advance,
or you may use your somewhat more expensive
ARC membership ID as proof of life for your day license.
See you next week! Bring lots of tubes!
American Road Cycling is restrained from releasing the current paperwork
needed to lodge a formal complaint, because we must follow the
Standard Pro Doping Guideline, which requires that no test
results are published, no explanation of what we are testing for is
given, no specifics on the methods of testing are documented, and
nobody is allowed to question our decisions.
Anybody who does question us will be immediately termed
"Un-American Road Cycling" and left to fry in their own juices.
There is good and copious precedent for this, but we see no need to
get into that here.
Otherwise, that should settle it. If Joe says he won, he won. In any
case, we've never heard of anybody ever beating him anyway. Maybe
you should all beg Nuclear Dan Buckley to show up for the
next ride. Several times in Harriman, he flatted all our tires on
purpose just so we could practice making a race out of fixing them.
Dan says, "A flat is just another opportunity for a new game!"
Submarines fuck people up that way.
BTW: A time of 1:52:11 is only a 19.04 mph average. At that pace, if
Louie (formerly: Prince of Pain) had been there, he'd of
fixed all your flats, chatted up Julie, had doughnuts and coffee in
Pine Island, and still beat Joe. Back in the day, if Louie flatted
on a ride the whole fucking ride just stopped and waited for him.
That way nobody had to endure the embarrassment of having him catch
Get some CO2 cartridges.
And Joe, quit treating everybody like they're Toe Clip Guy.
BTW: We don't want to place any undue pressure on people to
show up to earn their T-Shirt, but did you know that when this
series is all over, and all is said and done, that there will be
many more Olympic Gold Medals scattered around the world than
these special T-shirts. Just think of showing up to your favorite ride next
one of these babies on.
SPECIAL SHOPPING OPPORTUNITY: We
are delaying the DELETED LINKS UPDATE
just a little while longer in order to once again present this once in a
lifetime shopping opportunity. As a rule, commercial content is
disallowed on the American Road Cycling web site, but this
offer is so extraordinary we felt we had to present it again.
Customer feedback has already been received and is copied below.
The following discussion was intercepted from the Chatter Box.
Jim Amels: Wait a minute. That price is $100 over retail
for the iPod alone!
SlingShot: "The retail iPod does not include "Race to the
Jim: My wife can download "Race to the Flag" from the ARC
site for me!
Shot: "But then you don't get the free iPod."
Jim: Ok. I'll take three!
Shot: "Cash or charge?"
Jim: Cash. And "Race to the Flag" comes preinstalled on
Shot: "No...the iPod comes sealed in its factory
Jim: So how do I get the film?!
Shot: "Download it off the site."
Jim: Maybe I should get four.
Shot: "You should. People have birthdays."
Jim: Make it four then!
Shot: "Let me check stock. Hmm...iPods are backordered. Could
I interest you in
this photo with a free iPhone?"
SPECIAL REQUEST: And since we
have a moment...
Hope you are enjoying yourself in Floriduh. I hope you got
sunburned on the beach today. Up here in NY it got up to 25 degrees,
with a nice wind chill. You would be interested to know that three
brave souls did ride today, but it became a tale of survival.
Remember that Jack London story, "To Build a Fire"? It went
something like that. At one point they attempted to slay a deer by
bludgeoning it with a tire pump. Their plan was to cut it open and
take turns warming themselves up in the carcass.
But I can't reveal the names.
Oh, and tell Slingshot he can't publish this email without my
permission. He should note it's copyrighted. I heard thru the
grapevine that he has a practice of publishing private emails
without express written consent. I am of the age to consent, but I
don't consent to him.
No need to mention names. We pretty much know
who wasn't there. Otherwise, sounds like one of our poacher
friends, Dan Buckley, was there. Must have been a T-shirt on the
line. But I don't think the weather had anything to do with the
bambi bashing incident. Dan tried the same thing in Harriman last
July, but sweat from his dew rag put out his Sterno can.
Oh, yeah. I almost forgot the point. Would it be ok if I publish
your e-mail above?
HEALTH ALERT: Make sure you wash
your hands and don't touch your face after using equipment over at
any number of the locations for
Straub's Gym. There has been a massive outbreak of Cabin Fever.
Apparently, the virus was spread when Joe Straub and
(Artie) Art Donohue were forced to kiss and make up after a scuffle over
whose logo should be largest and on top of the new Love the Hump
Dr. Artie Art, Artie Art Donohue was grappling with TP
Joe and had him in a headlock when forced off by one of Joe's
bodyguard's heavy handed swat to his shoulder. Artie merely looked
around exasperated and whined, "What illegal headlock? I'm just
adjusting Joe's attitude."
Later Artie explained, "Of course Peak Performance should appear
at the top. I have a dog. And as for the so called 'headlock',
Wallace told me to do it."
In a related story: With the money ARC will be saving on our
sponsorship, due to the number of T-shirts not required because of
all the lazy ass pansy losers who won't show up for the Winter
Series, even though the bar has been significantly lowered (only got
to show up for two), we are going to put together our own T-Shirt
for the spring.
You will not be able to win them, but they will be available for
Humberto: The section titled
EYES ONLY, which is
available from the similarly titled button on the
page, will never contain anything which is not also found on the
page itself. It is merely a bogus stunt to illustrate how data can
be repurposed—and repurposed in an automated manner at that. Which
is to say, things may be posted once and used in many different
contexts, even without further human intervention.
Since there are
numerous lessons to be learned by seeing this happen, I included a
choices on a drop down list of the
SUBMITTAL FORM which users may
select. Two of the choices are "For SlingShot's Eyes Only"
and "Super Duper Top
Secret." Both choices merely increase the amount of publication,
they do not restrict it.
If a user selects either choice, it merely
toggles their post onto the
EYES ONLY page in
addition to the standard post to the
page. Therefore, you will not find anything new on
EYES ONLY which you
have not already seen on the
page. No need to keep checking it.
Two things illustrated by those selections are that one should never think
anything one puts on a computer screen is truly private, and never
assume that following any given directive will provide the results
promised. For example, a pop-up screen may give a choice for
"Yes" or "No" plus provide a little "x" in the upper right hand
corner which would normally just close the pop-up. However, it is quite easy
to make all those choices do exactly the same thing...such as blow up your
computer, or something worse.
UV44 (a most consistent morning viewer):
What the fuck is with the "/ui/bb-icon2.ico"? If that doesn't
ring a bell, how about this. UV44, are you using a
program called Blackboard?
Send a note about this via the
FORM. There's no need for us to bother anybody
else about it. Also, you might include your actual name, so we can
stop bothering people with nonsense e-mail in an attempt to figure
out who you are.
TO EVERYONE (especially Poor Latrine):
We must apologize for yesterday's
screw up. We were supposed to run the very same article as the same
day last year in honor of Ground Hog Day. Of course, the fact
that we screwed up could be construed as us having in fact done
exactly the same thing as last year, for it is unlikely we did
anything other than screw up on that day as well. Happily, that
means we have kept the spirit of the movie if not the letter. So all
is well, and we apologize for the needless apology.
EMERGENCY UPDATE (with an update of its
own): Beginning Saturday, February 3rd, 10:00 AM,
Joe Straub is leading a February series of the
ultra-famous American Road CyclingHump
rides for Race Training. We are currently checking to see if it is
ok to publish details. Otherwise, just show up and kick ALL their
asses...it is a public road, and none of those losers are all that
Soon after the above was posted, along with the entry in
RIDE CHOICE, we received the following e-mail from
Joe, in response to our asking permission to publish his ride:
It's been very quiet on my Sugar Loaf rides this Winter. I miss
being accosted by Bob on Wisner Rd.!
Yes, please post the Hump Series. In fact, I was hoping to have
the series "sanctioned" by American Road Cycling. Having the event
certified by ARC would lend lots of credibility! I am considering a
commemorative T-Shirt to anyone who participates in all 3.
TP Joe sure didn't get the nom 'TP' (That Prick)
for nothin'. As you can see from this e-mail he continues to scuttle
our best efforts by making it very hard to trash talk him.
However, we are made of sterner stuff than even TP can guess.
American Road Cycling must NEVER sanction his little takeover
Hump; or, as he called it in his original e-mail, the "Love
the Hump" ride.
Unfortunately for TP, one of our minions intercepted his
little notification and forwarded it to us. So now we have the fine
opportunity of not only refusing to sanction it, but we are in fact
dissanctioning it. You may have heard of this process before.
It is often simply referred to as "dis'ing" something.
Requirements for sanctioning are rigorous. Things don't just get
sanctioned because somebody kisses up to us in an e-mail.
TP's little ride is hereby dissanctioned. That means
we don't like it. We don't want it to happen, and we ask that
everybody who can possibly show up for it, get over there and make
it a miserable, grinding spin grunt for everybody else, especially
TP, who deserves it. Kick all their asses. Take every hill
for your own. Leave everybody scratching their dew rags in the
Thank all of you for helping us out here. The ride starts at Big V,
Don't you dare miss it. American Road Cycling is counting on you.
Remember this event is dissanctioned, thus mandatory.
Make sure you check in with Joe, so he'll have to buy you a T-Shirt
at the end of this three part series.
Here's the design to date.
Editor's Note: Screw you
Joe. Did you really think you could call off SlingSot's
attack so easily?
SPIN GUY BUSTED FOR CHEATING:
Mike The Spin Guy Finnegan was recently caught cheating. He
logged on (showed up at) American Road Cycling at 43 seconds
before midnight 01/30/07, then placed his next hit on the site at 3
minutes and 33 seconds after midnight, on 01/31/07. Doing that upped
his score on the
illegitimately—two days for the price of one.
We consider such action as worse than EPO doping. Therefore, Spin Guy
is immediately banned from American Road Cycling and can just
go on and get
out of here. Let him go play with
Cranky Mary Beth Henderson for all we care. Or even Kevin
Shithead Haley whom nobody likes.
As further punishment, a link to his little OCBC ride photos site
has been placed on the
Fuck you, Mike. And take that. Try to live that shit down!
IN A RELATED STORY: FG has been
observed coming into the American Road Cycling lobby with a
few extra IP# friends. When interrogated he owned up to using an
antivirus program which itself acts...well, sort of like a virus. We are
currently up to 8 separate IP#'s related to FG. Other less
sophisticated tracking techniques, that is to say all others ever
seen, would be reporting each of these IP#'s as a unique visitor.
That makes FG sort of the opposite of Mike The Spin Guy,
because he is not tricking us into giving his own
a boost, but leading us to believe more people are showing up here
than actually are. We guess that must be a good thing, because it
opens the door for SlingShot to aggrandize the amount of
attention being paid to this site. Especially since every time FG
starts hanging around, all kinds of weird IP# activity arises. Lots
of odd stuff from Canada, etc.
Right now we are experiencing a robot run on hidden folders.
Still...we could just say that it's a lot of new viewers, instead of
reminding you back
to this article.
DISCLAIMER: SlingShot does not know
who designed the Single Tree site, nor does he have any financial
interest whatsoever in seeing it flourish or not. No really...he is
not interested in the least. He is only making reference to the site
here, and giving it free publicity, because he really, really,
really likes it.
First lets get the basics. Click on the screenshot below, and confirm the
Single Tree site looks very similar in your own browser.
If the web site you just visited does not look like the screenshot
above, stop reading now. None of the rest of this will make any
sense at all. Well...you might read the next couple paragraphs.
Big Trouble in River City
An irresolvable problem currently exists for web designers, which
is: there is absolutely no fucking way to know what any given web
page is going to look like on a visitor's computer. Because of that,
the following discussion will make perfect sense to some, sound like
gobbledygook mysticism to others, and not even be seen by many
others. That is why (above) I provided the Joint Photographic
Experts Group (jpg) image of the
Single Tree Power & Light
web site as it exists at the time of this writing.
If your visit to the site did not reveal a site that looks like the
image above, then there are two possible explanations. Either your
browser displays it differently, or the site has changed. Actually,
I am only guessing how the image above is itself going to appear on
your computer. But sometimes, we have to take chances.
In any case, if your browser doesn't show you a similar site to the
one above, stop reading now.
A Perfect Solution
The problem regarding screen display is just one of the unbelievably large number of
aspects of all web sites that make them totally useless, and a total
waste of time for most people who have an actual service, and/or
product, and who are successfully engaged in providing it to the
public for mere money.
The better news is that the web site linked above shows a perfect example of a
web site that, except for the irresolvable issue about screen
compatibilities, has elegantly resolved all the inherent problems of
web sites, best as I can tell.
The design was constructed using an easy to access basic function of
Word for Windows, a rather ubiquitous and widely understood
program. That takes care of four problems. It was fast and easy for
the web designer to construct (read: cheap), it serves very fast
over the Internet, it is easy to change if need be, and a human
being (owner of the site) can learn how to make those changes
themselves pretty easily.
Don't Confuse Simplicity with Stupidity
Even though this site may look extremely simple, it is very rich and
deep indeed. The site provides:
1) clear representation of the business portrayed
2) required visitor access to information
3) a symbol of the success of the Single Tree
4) superlative attraction for the proper attention
Here we need some inside information to truly understand the four
points made above.
I was first made aware of the site through Ray Mino's submittal of
an American Road Cycling membership form. He did not include
the web site address, but his e-mail address implied its existence.
I abstracted the appropriate address and found his site, and fell in
love with it.
Especially after we figured out who Ray is, and Mary said, "Oh,
yeah. That makes sense. That's Humberto's father-in-law. He is an
electrician...a very expensive electrician."
So there you have it, all you need to know. Specific information
regarding the four points made above is easily derived from the
"simple" web site. For this site:
1) is shiny and new, so it represents that the
underlying business has itself achieved excellence and can therefore
afford a web presence.
2) allows for the fact that visitor access and information
would just be a waste of time for both the business owner and the
public. For certain, this business does not need to be dealing with
worthless e-mail, and online chatter (they have actual work to do),
and they are booked up so far in advance that it would be pointless
to give out details about their business online. This obviously
further represents the fact that this is an electrician who will
actually show up for the job and complete it. Rare indeed. And as
for the public who may be interested in prices, etc, "If you need to
ask, you can't afford it."
3) provides a symbolic gesture by a minimal web presence
which furthers public understanding that this is somebody who will
show up (helped in that by their policy of not wasting time online),
and in addition illustrates to the remainder of web presence sales
people, who may be trying to sucker Single Tree into extended
web design and hosting contracts, that, "No thanks, we already have
a web site. Please, let us get back to our work."
4) superlative attraction for the proper attention is confirmed valid through the mere fact that SlingShot
has spoken of the site. Proper attention will always be given.
So there you have it.
Perfection in performance. However, I might suggest only a slight
change, which will also illustrate how easily changes can be made.
The home page title aligns to the left. I found it
just slightly jarring. I believe it would view better, in a large
number of the different browsers that are likely to come across it,
if it were centered.
See if you agree. I have tweaked the
language somewhat for this sample.
We have brought back Frank Kwestons to handle this interview. Frank
speaks with SlingShot who is the Director, and the Editing
Intern, of the by now cult classic "Race to the Flag."
Frank's incisive, no holds barred reporting style
(which he used to great effect earlier getting the gritty truth about
Miguel Cavalheiro's training magic) is here brought to bear on
one of this epoch's most controversial films. When you need to get
to the bottom of things, it is best to ask Frank Kwestons.
Frank Kwestons: There has been a lot of debate over the
length of "Race to the Flag." Would you like to comment?
SlingShot: "Yes. In many respects it can be said that
the final product ran too long, and I have heard the talk. But a
considerable amount of incredible footage was cut.
However, there was a lot of territory to cover in order to do
justice to the topic. Since I knew Flag was going to be a
masterwork, I felt the fans of my work would allow me the stretch. Some of them
have not complained yet.
[Later this year, or next, SlingShot hopes to release a
Director's Cut that will include all the deleted scenes.]
Frank: What was the original premise of the film?
SlingShot: "Mary wanted to take a day off from cycling
and work on her other love...driving around in a diesel truck,
petting her dog, and talking on the phone. Also, there was a massive
cold front coming in over the rain showers, and it was being carried
in by a strong north wind. So those are conditions that make it
unlikely you'll ever find Mary out on her bike anyway.
I, on the other hand, had
no choice. I ride, or I eat.
Since we always try to finish our rides with a tail wind, Mary
volunteered to drop me off up at Clearwater, and I was to meet her at the
flag in Fort DeSoto Park. It is 28.5 miles, and my goal was to hold
a 23+ (maybe a 24) average."
Frank: How did that work out for you?
SlingShot: "Well, not as good as I hoped. The lights and
traffic were not kind. Also, there is one extended stretch that is a
lot like skiing moguls because of the road buckling. Sand is a lot
like black dirt. Plus, there was a lot of blow-back off the
big condo's. Lots of turbulence. A couple times I almost got blown over, but I kept
going. I just kept thinking how lucky everybody in NY was.
the end of the ride, it almost dipped below 60°,
but the sun was out, so I was still fucking hot. I kept thinking how
everybody up north must be enjoying their Sunday ride, you know up where it was
Frank: But why a race?
SlingShot: "It didn't start out being a race. I was just
going out to do pace work. Go easy. A 23+ rest day. But...well, it
Mary...and it was me. I guess things just got out of hand."
Frank: But she was in a truck!
SlingShot: "That is true. However, I try not to dwell on that
sort of thing. Of course, my distinct performance advantage, due to
my superior talent, is always there, but I try not to let it dictate
a ride. I didn't want her to worry about my innate superiority, just
do her best, truck or not ."
Frank: There was something very unique in the
cinematography. Where did that come from?
SlingShot: "Most of it was a variation on a technique
perfected by Poor Latrine. He will ride in front of a group and shoot
over his shoulder without looking. During the last year or so he has
shot thousands of photos that way. Three (3) of them came out sort
of nice; so
we decided, in pre-production meetings, that it would be worth a shot
to try his technique.
Mary took the technique up a notch. Paul only shoots from a
bicycle, and only still photos, but Mary risked it all by
taking it live to digital. What probably can't be seen from the
release version of the movie, is that while she was filming she was
her dog, eating a Triple Chocolate Super Duper Big Size
deli ice-cream cone, and talking on her cell phone with Latrine who
(from San Juan) was
stepping her through the shooting process.
I think she was steering the truck with her knees. At least that's
what I gathered from all the automobile horns, then sort of confirmed with a
glance into the cab. I think my reaction may have made the cut.
Frank: I especially liked the dog, but how did it fit into
the conceptual theme?
SlingShot: "Well, first off, it is not a dog. It is
The dog really had no bearing at all on the film's modus. It is
merely a way of cleansing the pallet after enduring the sight of
You see, the thing is, I am a creative genius, so I can grab stuff
out of nowhere and it will ring true. Other than that, I am sure
there is no context whatsoever for the dog. There really is no
rational connection to fit it in with the rest of the film. It is
just pure genius."
Frank: Why the sui generis reference to Dr. Art?
SlingShot: "Huh? I have never heard of a Dr. Art. What
Frank: It seems toward the end of the film, The Black
Widow was well on her way to reaching the flag first.
SlingShot: "Oh, no. Not at all. That shot was taken early in the
ride and considerably time shifted. She was just enjoying some early ride euphoria. There were many
more miles to go. I beat her to the flag by about a minute
and a half."
Frank: How did she take that?
or less like usual. She had a lot to say about a supposed ten
minute head start, then a stopover for diesel fuel with a pee break...plus a draw bridge was up. I told her those things
were just the luck of the draw, and I apologized for being stronger,
tougher, and prettier than her.
Frank: Any final thoughts?
SlingShot: "She didn't even want to hear about my flat
tire, nor about how I was holding a 23.3 average when I flatted—with
just 4 miles to go. She didn't even commiserate when I described the stares
of hatred I was getting from all the local "fast" cyclists going the opposite
direction. Bunch of jealous whining crybabies."
It has been called "SlingShot: the movie." It
has been called other things.
SEE THE HORROR!
HEAR THE MADNESS!
BE SHOCKED BY THE TRUTH REVEALED!
Never before has such drama played out on the screen. This newest
American Road Cycling production (in conjunction with
You Heard It Here First Enterprises, a wholly owned
subsidiary of Over the Top Videos, in partnership with
Flagrant Promotions) brings you the excitement and unadorned truth
of an athlete's insatiable quest for glory, and a place in history, like nothing else
The very bravest will wish to put their viewer in loop mode.
So, turn ON your computer's sound. Put out the cat. Send the kids to bed. Take the phone off the hook.
Cook up some popcorn. Settle in for the greatest thrill ride of your
life. This is one big-ass video file, but every
frame is worth the download. Sit back with your favorite movie
and enjoy the World Premiere of:
BANNED FOR LIFE: Cranky Mary Beth Henderson is forthwith and
hereby banned from the American Road Cycling site for life,
in perpetuity, and forever for the insurmountable infraction of
using "LOL" in an e-mail to The Black Widow.
Sorry, all judgments of the Oversight Committee
are final and irreversible, so if any of you find her hanging out
around here, treat her just like Kevin Shithead Haley. You
have our blessings.
We have also been asked to place a directive that
under no circumstances are visitors to the American Road Cycling
web site allowed to hover their mouse pointer over Humberto's belly
in the photo above.
Thank you for your compliance.
Additionally, in the spirit of true thoroughness and
contrition, we are taking it on our own to suggest that nobody ever,
never, ever click on:
THE ORIGINAL ARTICLE, which is the
one that caused all the threats of litigation. We wish to remind
people that if they do inadvertently click on:
THE ORIGINAL ARTICLE, they should immediately shut
their eyes, close down their browsers, and certainly not even begin
reading, nor following the associated threads of, the text in:
THE ORIGINAL ARTICLE.
Thank you for helping us out of this
SlingShot has left the building. He is out on
his bike doing wind sprints in hopes of saving one or two of his
Editor's Note: Somebody can tell Humberto that
we received his contact form submittal with the address update and
corrected zip code, so we will stop sending letter bombs and hate
mail (meant for him) to his neighbor by mistake. Good thing they
never opened any of it.
Plus, we generally do not accept
self-nommed noms, but the one Humberto submitted was perfect enough to be
added to his nom list. "Greasy Turtle" is an extension of his
current "Turtle Boy" tribulations, and derives from the fact that
due to his appearance and status as "gardener" to the rich and
famous (Tuxedo), it is customary for local Crackers (not his clients
in Tuxedo) to assume he is a "greasy Mexican."
If Humberto ever visits Stinkature Silos in the city, the NYC gumbas assume he is a Puerto Rican. In
Miami he is considered Cuban, in the Southwest he is Mexican again,
and in Ohio he is that "fuckin' east coast motherfucker in that motherfuckin' rice
burner," if not an outright terrorist. In Canada he is
considered a baby seal and clubbed accordingly.
We have another friend, an actual
Puerto Rican, who reports he is considered a "Spic" when home in
NYC, and a "New Yor-Rican" when visiting his family in Puerto Rico,
but he was very excited on a visit to London, England to finally be
considered an American...a Yank actually, same thing.
In any case, Humberto would probably
have to go to Mars to be considered Portuguese, and outside the
solar system to be considered human.
But that's not our fault. No need to sue, no need to
remove anybody's testicles.
You say you got humpy camels? Big deal. Photo above taken Jan. 22,
2007, just outside San Antonio, FL, along the course of one of the
hardest rides in the country. Yes, there are hills...hard hills.
"...then one day six riders showed up and were pulling the group
along at 33/36 mph. Pretty soon I said, 'That's enough. That's more
than enough.' We found out later they were from the Austrian Pro
SPECIAL FINANCIAL REPORT:
American Road Cycling recently cornered a sector of the
commodities market by buying up every egg on the planet.
SlingShot commented, "You don't need to know why. You'll just be
glad we did it." Kevin Shithead Haley could not be reached
for comment. Apparently he is sequestered away wading through rooms
full of idiotic e-mail. And The Black Widow is busy preparing
a eulogy for...well, we can't really say out loud, because there are
NOTHIN' NEW: Nothing really new
today. Yesterday we did a slow 40 on the Pinellas Trail and were just about
to shoot ourselves out of pure boredom when my ass started ringing,
and it was Nuclear Dan Buckley calling my cell phone.
Dan was just getting ready to go to Harriman with Franky Panky,
who is very serious about racing this year. They leave work early
Tuesday's, so they can get out before dark.
We trash talked for awhile, and it was just like being in
Harriman, what with both of us trying our best to get information
out the other without giving out any of our own. Except it was about
73° and sunny here, and 29° and who
knows in Harriman.
The Black Widow decided that she didn't need to get on the
phone due to her long history of crashing.
Soon as we hung up with Dan, we immediately phoned Jim The
Assassin Amels, another Harriman regular who works with Dan. We
told him a bunch of stuff we knew would get immediately back to Dan.
Later Jim confirmed he phoned Dan right away.
Last night there was an incredible amount of activity on the web
site, and some Unknown Viewer hit the
FORM, but didn't submit anything, which led me to find
out the form was all fucked up and unusable. So I spent a couple
hours fixing it.
KEVIN HALEY DEEMED HERO IN THE WAR ON
TERROR: Today Kevin Haley received the American Road
CyclingMedal of Commendation for his work in the war on
terror bull e-mail. Details cannot be elucidated in order to protect
the guilty, but take it from us, what Kevin did was above and beyond
the call of duty.
Editor's Note: This award
is not meant to contravene standard policy which is to look on Kevin
Shithead Haley with total dismay and disgust, nor is the
Medal of Commendation a mere bauble to be worn at public
functions, or to be fingered during private displays. This award is
purposed solely to the end of giving credit where due. The medal
itself does not even exist in any real sense. That being said, thank
you Kevin. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You know what you did.
MYSTERY SOLVED: Yesterday
(01/21/07), American Road Cycling ran a
POLICY CHANGE which in part mentioned a mysterious
new viewer along with a request for information leading to the
apprehension of the person who sent them here.
It referred to our newest President, Raymond Mino, who is in fact
Humberto Cavalheiro's father-in-law, or as we like to say,
Humberto himself did not own up to this referral. However,
SlingShot and The Black Widow had a suspicion and went
through copies of Humberto's recent e-mails with their vast CC
lists. Sure enough, they found Ray then pieced together the rest.
SlingShot himself did a very little detective work, coupled
with his own brand of CSI type creative analysis, and came up with
the following summary.
The unfortunate roping-in of Mr. Mino was the result of my own inept
blunder when I unthinkingly published the following photo of
Humberto with associated links. [Most of my original blunder is
repeated below, but you may
click here for the original.]
Photo submitted by: Kevin Shithead Haley
Birthday cake quote by: The Black Widow
The photo above should have provided a wrenching pain in the gut for
Humberto, maybe even enough for him to take off his gloves, but it
turns out The Giant American Leatherback Sea Turtle is
(unbelievably) the National Bird of Portugal.
While those of us in the U.S. admire our American Eagle, the
Portuguese look up to The Giant American Leatherback Sea Turtle
as the absolute symbol of strength and steadfastness. It represents
the penultimate example of physical grace, natural beauty, and
athletic performance. It is even maybe found on their penny, or
whatever they call it, or not.
Humberto was of course so flattered by the comparison to a sea
turtle, he immediately referred the American Road Cycling web
site to his father-in-law, who has otherwise never had a single good
word to say about Humberto. However, it must be pointed out that Ray
did once, and quite rightly, refer to The Black Widow as one
of two men he saw cycling near Sugar Loaf, so he is far from
an idiot, unless standing beside Humberto.
In light of our new understanding, I take full responsibility for
publication of the photo. Kevin Shithead Haley did not submit
the photo, and he knew nothing whatsoever about it. If later we find
out my detective work is flawed, we will return to our posture of
blaming Kevin, as in all other cases.
Happily, all my research did allow me to
see Ray Mino's web site
which is my absolute favorite web site ever, because
it embodies everything that I have been saying about the Internet.
This week two people submitted forms who are relatively unknown to
SlingShot, and who may or may not have understood the small
cadre of actual respondents whom they were "joining." Since this
appears to be a growing trend, it is probably best that we allow the
strident language of the
to be represented by a closer truth, just in case somebody actually
screws up and acts on reliance of the promises presented.
Whomever is close to either Parveen Sangha or Raymond Mino, please
turn yourself in by admitting you convinced them that it would be a
good idea to fill out a
Then SlingShot can breathe a little easier, knowing they
didn't fill out a form under mistaken expectations. Not that any one
of you actually gives a shit.
Otherwise, if your name previously appeared on the list, and is now
removed, but you wish it restored, merely mention it in the
from an IP# known to SlingShot.
Also, the person who submitted the Gore reference to the
may have it restored by convincing SlingShot of your actual
name associated with the IP# from which you submitted.
Photo submitted by: Kevin Shithead Haley
Birthday cake quote by: The Black Widow
Editor's Note: SlingShot is emphatic
about not being involved in this matter in any way what so ever.
Next summer, on Heart Attack Hill or similar, he hopes that
Humberto will have long forgotten this incident, or at minimum will
remember SlingShot was not involved in the least. Plus,
SlingShot never ever never said that Humberto was washed up.
Blame it on Kevin, just like everything else. This vitriolic attack
probably stems from last summer when it was rumored that Kevin was
carrying The Black Widow's two headed love child, but it
turned out he had merely been around the birthday cake again and
wasn't even pregnant. Once again, blame Kevin, not SlingShot.
Especially if Kevin says he's never heard of this. SlingShot
is in-o-cent...and feeling rather slim.
CAFU: Publication of Mary v.
World cannot but be delayed due to a technical glitch which
caught Palletman first, then snared several others before
SlingShot got back from the RV Show and fixed it, sort of. Read
SlingShot's comments regarding Palletman's Chatter Box entry
TOE CLIP GUY: Toe Clip Guy should take another look at
the link above, because SlingShot was still editing it when
he saw it last night.
The 01/18/07 installment of Today in American Road Cycling
has been held over below due to popular demand.
SLING GETS SCOOPED: Publication of SlingShot's Special Winter Sports Drink
was scheduled for just one more delay in order for us to provide
SCUBA LESSONS FOR ARTISIMUS DORSI, but somebody broke
down the doors and got something passed up through the various
committees to land on SlingShot's desk. SlingShot
hates shit on his desk so...
Too bad it wasn't one of those Navy boyz that was
looking at you funny on the trail today. I'll take one of those
looks any day.
Hey, could you please pass this on to your worser half?
Sling Gets Scooped
SlingSnot, you took too long to publish your story on your sports
drink. Here's the real story on the biggest breakthrough in
Purina One: Large Breed Formula.
Yup, that's right. Purely by coincidence, Cleetus has discovered
that the best way to fuel his tank before a long winter ride is a
big heaping bowl of Purina One: Large Breed Formula, topped off with
organic whole milk. It's got the perfect balance of carb, protein,
fat, and crude fiber. Plus, he doesn't have to bother brushing his
teeth before taking off on his bike.
Here's some pics of Cleetus chowing down at breakfast. And if the
dog looks pissed-off in these photos, it's because he is.
Editor's Note: The cute puppy doesn't look
pissed-off so much as disappointed that Lynn did the cookin' again.
Editor's 2nd Note: Oh yeah...smarty pants
Lynn. Think you got the real scoop? Here's SlingShot's entry:
WINTER SPORTS DRINK
Don't try this at home!
The Black Widow caught site of these two bottles sitting next
to each other as SlingShot was leaving for
his daily ride just before their December departure to Florida
2006. We especially
like the close up detail of the water bottle slogan.
Shot's ass has not froze up all winter.
YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE THERE:
Publication of SlingShot's Special Winter Sports Drink is
once again being delayed until tomorrow (now listen, if we get one
more e-mail complaining about the delays, we won't even publish it
at all, so just quit whining), because the following public service
announcements are clearly more important.
So everybody welcome new President, Parveen Sangha.
Parveen states she heard about American Road Cycling through
OCBC, so whomever over at OCBC has been screwing up
peoples' lives by referring them to this web site just better quit
it. If we had time to hack Yahoo mail in order to find out who sent
her the link, we'd fill up their own Inbox with worthless crap.
SlingShot believes he recalls speaking with Parveen at the
OCBC Wednesday Night Time Trials maybe five years ago. He says
she certainly deserves better than this. At the time of their
meeting, Parveen appeared to have a life, working in the health care
industry. Therefore, somebody better apologize to her for getting
her involved in this nonsense. Run, Parveen, run now. Don't make eye
contact and just back away slowly at first. Then don't get on your
bike, or we'll chase you down.
Link Omission: Upon copy/pasting Parveen's info
into the local database, SlingShot realized he had previously
forgotten to paste the submittal from
Mike (The Spin Guy) Finnegan. While doing so he noted Mike had
provided a web link, so the omitted link is back there with his
name. It takes you to a bunch of ride photos of OCBC, along with
examples of the worst looking, and most unreadable computer fonts on
the planet. Well, probably they look ok on Mike's computer, because
SlingShot is fully aware that American Road Cycling
looks pretty good on his own computer, but looks like total dog crap
on Big Bianchi's home computer. That is just the Internet.
Go look at the photos.
You didn't want to be there (ARC PSA): In the
continuing saga of Florida (State) trailside tragedy and horrors,
yesterday along the Fort De Soto Park trail a cyclist looked at
The Black Widow funny.
You didn't want to be there...and neither did Parveen.
Oh, yeah: Kevin Shithead Haley
PERSONAL BEST BREAKING NEWS:
Slingshot's Special Winter Sports Drink article is being
postponed for the second day in a row (still no whining) in order to
the following helpful advice.
Yesterday afternoon, SlingShot was in the midst of pulling
for another personal best (on a different course, and not the most
HUMPUS INTERRUPTUS) when PB tragedy struck once more.
No specific details regarding typical speeds will be reported,
because Kevin Shithead Haley will certainly make use of the
information to fuck with SlingShot this summer. However, at
the turn around, SlingShot looked down at his trip computer
and thought, "Great! 20.5 average so far, and now we start the
tail wind." He did not think, "I am freakin' peakin',"
because he is an idiot, incapable of realizing danger and taking
steps to avoid overtraining. Instead, he immediately had a flat and
started spewing words that The Black Widow obviously found
highly offensive...even though not a single soul was remotely within
So there you have it.
Three weeks in Florida, and three flats. How lovely is that?
Sitting on the park bench just out of the soupy warm 82°
sun, while juggling tire irons and inner tubes, SlingShot
thought how sad it was that Toe Clip Guy wasn't around with
his newly acquired flat-changing skills. He could have nodded and
passed on by, just like SlingShot did to him last year on the
hill by Soon's Orchard.
A little while after the flat, Bob and Mary were passing a group
sprawled all over a short little flat bridge which was entranced by
several of those orange striped white barrier posts (like the one
Mary hit last year), and The Black Widow shouts, "On your
left. Stay right. Don't move. Stay right there."
The lady in charge retorted passive aggressively, "Thank you. We
were staying right."
To which Mary comments to SlingShot, "Yeah, and the moment
before, that little bitch was doing spins around the barrier post."
Here's a hint. If you are ever preparing a picture dictionary, be
sure to place beside your entry for "little bitch" a photo of
a golden locked six-year-old spinning roller skate pirouettes in a
So there you have it.
Once again, American Road Cycling is happy to have been of
EARLY BREAKING NEWS:
Slingshot's Special Winter Sports Drink article is being
postponed till tomorrow (no whining) in order for us to deal with
the following matter.
Yesterday evening, American Road Cycling received information
UV45 as being Mike the Spin Guy.
What happened was that somebody claimed on being him in the
and at the same time submitted a
FORM, thus joining (irremediably)
American Road Cycling in the capacity of an Official
Member thus President.
For the time being, despite the possibility (probability) of
subterfuge, American Road Cycling is allowing to stand our
belief that this is in fact the authentic Mike the Spin Guy,
because we had already decided the IP# used for this submittal
probably belonged to
Mary Beth. All those girls look alike to us.
Unfortunately, if Mike the Spin Guy (whomever), thinks that
by joining American Road Cycling, he will be able to save
himself from the horrific reputation as a Poker that he currently
enjoys over on the OCBC web site (earned through his unending stream
of dreary after dismal posts), he should be advised that writing
something in the
only reinforces the impression that he has not a life, nor an
inclination to acquire one.
Everybody please help us figure out who this is, by showing up for
Mike's spin classes, and then laughing at him for breathing so hard.
Do it every week please.
In a related matter, SlingShot has now retired, because
whomever it was that posted that last little morsel in the
also wrote their own My Personal SlingShot entry.
The smack resounded so forcefully that it out shat the Shot.
Not only could SlingShot never do better himself, he would
not even know where to start trying. He quits.
SlingShot is spending his new found free time conducting a
careful review of the video footage from the
HUMPUS INTERRUPTUS episode, hoping to confirm if in fact the
recumbent mentioned might not have actually been a
wheelchair. It only makes sense that it was.
HOLY SHIT: We think we just saw
"The Cardinal" Robb Daly (former OCBC President) on Orange
County Choppers. Can anybody confirm this? Even if you can, we are
still going to say you heard it here first.
It was the last thing I said to the asshole on a recumbent who was
climbing slow in front of us. What a brutal bridge, and when we had
signaled, "On your left," and then, "Move right," he
just shouted back, "I AM on the right!"
Of course...it was impossible for him to move over any further,
because he was butt up against an impenetrable barrier. Right there,
on the bridge, pretty as you please, plain as day, and right where
you could see it, somebody had painted a WHITE LINE.
What did I expect him to do?
I expected him to move over another foot, so we wouldn't get creamed
by the cyclist hammering the downhill coming the opposite direction.
He chose to educate me instead, "That's the walking lane." To
which I responded, "Oh, good for you. You know ALL the
rules." At which point he added, "Besides, it's single file."
It reminded me of last summer when I threw a body block into a car
that was pulling into the Saturday morning group as they were
turning onto Cross Road, but the driver couldn't wait the 7 or
eleven seconds it would take for the group to pass. I yelled at the
driver to just stop and wait. Somebody on the ride excused the
drivers actions by taking the opportunity to instruct me on the
proper use of yellow lines. Really, rules are one thing, but extant
real world irreversible danger is another.
So I was forced to explain it once more, this time to a recumbent
chucklehead, in the only way he wouldn't understand, "Well, fuck
you...just, FUCK YOUU!"
Of course, by then, we were past him and off to finish the remainder
of our personal best. That recumbent jerk had no idea we were being
absolutely as nice as we possibly could.
Just moments before, we had come to a screeching slow down at the
crossing of a four lane Florida raceway (the locals call them
streets), where two other cyclists were standing in hopes of a
break in the traffic, so they could hurry over into the little oasis
of dead squirrels and car crash debris that breaks the four lanes
into two iterations of two. There's just enough room in that
crossing area to stick a bike at a slight angle while you wait for a
break in the next two commuter crazed car lanes.
We had stuttered to an almost stop, but the black widow dashed past
the standing cyclists, through a brief opening in the "this side"
traffic, and did a track stand in the oasis, while I jumped toward
the middle and meandered against traffic till the last drunken
red-necked cracker asshole finished gunning his pick-up truck past
Yes, that's right. They hate cyclists (and health-nut rail trails),
so you often hear their engines rev faster as they try to clip you
into another life. After all, they have to get to the beer
joint before Noon, or they might turn into a human.
We were on a personal best 40 mile loop: 19.2 mph avg.
That doesn't sound like much, especially since we don't do the whole
40 miles at pace, just our race loop portion which is
We call it The Humpus Interruptus—a term stolen from
Dangerous Dan's description of The Black Widow's habit of
bailing out of the
Our little Humpus Interruptus runs the Pinellas Trail
beginning near Walsingham Park, goes up to Clearwater, flips around,
then down to Saint Petersburg and back.
It includes 57 cross roads (as described) and 16 sprint bridges.
Now, think about that 19.2 average again.
It is a
where you have to stop every half mile or so, sprint back up to
pace, all the while fighting through trail traffic—like this
recumbent nincompoop, or better yet legions of three year olds
looking over their opposite shoulder at the sound of your voice and
drifting contra their direction of view, directly into your line of
But please be aware that, by my mentioning the standard actions of
these baby cyclists, I in no way wish to deny props to the
multitude of teenage skateboarders who take turns using the bridges
to blast and teeter their only chance of a downhill, or are
constantly on a swerve all over the trail everywhere else, then
freak out and spew their skateboards every which way in front of us
whenever we mention our presence.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot: BARKING DOGS ON LONG LEASHES.
I won't even tell you what pace we are required to hold in-between
obstacles, because Kevin Shithead Haley would just use it
against me next summer ("Hmm... SlingShot can hold ??.? mph. If I just push
the pace here another tenth mph, he'll blow, and I'm home free."),
but I will in fact point out 40 miles, 57 death defying cross roads, 16
bridge sprints, oodles and oodles of oblivious trail-tourist
traffic, constant repeats of down to zero and back up to pace,
constant gusting wind, then yesterday: a 19.2 personal best.
Renowned American Road Cycling phenom,
Miguel Cavalheiro was recently interviewed by our competition
reporter, Frank Kwestons. Frank sat down with Miguel over some
performance jelly beans to get his thoughts on training methods,
nutrition, performance doping, and life in general. It is one of the
most articulate and coherent accounts of cycling performance we have
heard from an Elite cyclist.
Frank Kwestons: Technically, do you alter your riding style
when attempting personal bests?
Miguel Cavalheiro: "I like to push the pedals."
Frank: What changes in your training meals do you make just
before race day. Do you like to carb up, use sport drink
supplements... that sort of thing?
Miguel: "I like birthday cake."
Frank: Is today your birthday?
Miguel: "No. I like birthday cake. Where is the puppy?"
Frank: What do you most remember about racing.
Miguel: "I fall down, go boom. Where is the puppy?"
Frank: Can you offer any advice on securing sponsorships?
Miguel: "SlingShot's shirt is funny."
Frank: So you like SlingShot.
Miguel: "No." [Shivers and shakes head.]
Frank: Miguel...over here. What are you thinking?
Miguel: "I like birthday cake...jelly bean?"
This episode of American Road Cycling not brought to you by: Entenmann's nor Jelly Bellies
SPECIAL REQUEST GRANTED: Today we
found out Jim Amels is UV59. On
hearing this news, Jim became rather upset realizing that, if he'd
just held off getting a computer a little longer, he could have been
UV69. In order to keep Jim from
whining about this for the next upteen bajillion rides, we are
awarding him the coveted number of UV69...just as if he'd earned it. He may
now hang it on his wall...just as if
he'd shot it.
BIG BIANCHI'S FINANCIAL PLANNING GUIDE (Paul, you are not mentioned. Close your
browser, and leave for work.)
From: Big Bianchi
To: The Black Widow
Hello ME and TB (Thin Boob),
I have been suffering from the thought that you and Bob will not be
over for at least three months, so I bought the entire supply of Ben
and Jerry's Fossil Fuel in hopes you may come back sooner.
[Explaining why we can't find any of this ice cream after having it
over at Bianchi's near Xmas.]
Even Dr. Art is beside himself. When he comes over, he just takes a
chair and sits in front of my china closet and stares at
that carburetor. [Dr. Artie Art, Artie Art Donohue would even
stand closer to himself if he knew that ARC recently enjoyed a
visitor arriving from a Google search with the words: 7-Eleven,
Serotta, and Huffy.]
I underwent the 4p's as I call them (Probed, Prodded, Poked and
Pierced) on the Friday before Christmas, and again the Tuesday after
Christmas. Yesterday, I spoke to Dr. Martz who said all tests showed
no signs. I was referred to a radiologist and will discuss radiation
and chemo. If I lose my hair I'll be even lighter.
I have been on vacation for two weeks so this is why the morning
times on ARC. [Which SlingShot caught him on, and called him on.]
Last week I rode 100 miles outside and started with weights again,
along with the spin bike. [Which gives all interested a
little statistical information to help with your own training for
kicking Bianchi's ass, plus reminds us that tomorrow SlingShot will
post his own most recent training pointer.]
Fossil Fuel $2.46
One slice of lemon cake $2.50
Friends like you..........priceless
Maybe soon to be bald,
Editor's Note: Most of the above is totally
without merit, though it may provide some questions answered for the
few of you who may actually give a shit about Bianchi. However, the
real reason Bianchi's note is being published here, is because (in
the final paragraph) he has stumbled upon a sure fire way to jet
from rags to riches.
The careful reader will notice that an inordinate sum
of cash is being saved by Bianchi. He points out that friends like
us are "priceless," which obviously gives him the clear advantage of
not only avoiding all fees for our own favors, he never has to spend a
penny on enemies. Considerable savings
BTW: Mary is calmer now, but it took
some explaining to get her to understand that the "TB (Thin
Boob)" in the opening of this e-mail is a reference to my
current body weight, not to her left titty.
WELL, YOU'VE ALL FINALLY GOT YOUR WAY
"The Widow made me do it!"
HUMP REPORT: The following was in
this morning's e-mail, but should have been found two days ago.
Microsoft Outlook is pretty much useless. I'm going back to
AOL direct. Here is last Saturday's
It rained all night, and there was a chance of showers Saturday
Despite the forecast, I decided to show up for “The Hump.” Hey,
how often do you get sixty degree weather here in January. Anyway,
there were a few “B” riders there, and a couple of Pokers. Only two
“AA” riders showed up—Triathlete Mike, and a Skylands dude named
We left the parking lot in one big group. I figured it would be
an easy ride because the “B” riders were with us. I was out in front
and made the right onto Pumpkin Swamp. Halfway to the next turn I
looked back and realized the only people with me were the two “AA”
I was apprehensive about riding with these guys, and I let them
know that. They assured me they were going easy today. I knew then
and there I was in big trouble. I’ve been around this sport long
enough to know what happens when you get a group of more than one
competitive cyclist together.
The ride started out easy enough, but at the first decent climb
the competition began. I was having no problem staying with these
guys, but I knew I wouldn’t last long at this pace. Every climb was
a race to the top. When we got to the hill near Soon's Orchard, the
luck of the rotation put me in front.
I pulled the entire hill. I knew it was over, though, because the
dreaded “Ridge-berry” was just around the next turn.
Needless to say I got dropped. It took me all the way to the next
downhill to catch them, and they were soft peddling. Just when I
thought things couldn’t get worse (what with my legs being fried,
and me being stuck with these two guys trying to kill each other),
it started raining.
I spent the remainder of the ride sucking wheel and sucking wind.
Hey, there is an advantage to sucking wheel in the rain: you get
to drink from the “rooster tail” splashing in your face from the
rider's tire in front of you. I told the guys if they dropped me
again not to wait, but to my disappointment they said, “Really...it
is no trouble at all.”
“Damn,” they weren’t letting me off the hook that easy. The
suffering continued to the end of the ride. Back at the parking lot
we were all soaked, and I was shot.
“Great ride” I said. It’s funny how quickly the pain and
suffering is forgotten. (Or is that why we do this?)
Editor's Note to Self: In the Spring, be sure
to kick Dan Buckley's ass. He appears to be in need of it. Plus, he
has begun to believe that there is luck involved in the
rotation of the pull. Nice job to Tri-Mike and Andréas.
ATTENDANCE DETAILS (The update
promised with yesterday's
AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING GOES VIRAL):
American Road Cycling spares no expense to track who is what
and where on American Road Cycling. Since nobody is required
to "log in," reviews of raw web log files have to be laboriously
compiled by an actual human being. Well, SlingShot really, so
not so much human as a somewhat reasonable facsimile.
SlingShot uses a carefully constructed process of magic and
The state of the magic today relies heavily on SlingShot's
own intuition, such as currently he is mystified by this UV44 who
first appeared to be Zirra, but is now considered to be Mike
The Spin Guy. The type of logic applied to this problem is
best understood by taking a look at another mystery in the
Attendance Records for January 2007.
Note how the punch card for Toe Clip Guy (5th row down) shows
a 4 day gap (2nd thru 5th), which is very precisely tracked by the
appearance and disappearance of the 12th row person (Lugie Angel?)
who is therefore called into question.
It is possible that Toe Clip Guy was here under the guise of
a different IP# for those days. We would need more data to confirm
this, but will never get it. We got lucky with the old Zirra in
Hawaii incident which is now copied on every page of the
attendance records. [Editor's Note: sometime after
this article was posted, Toe Clip actually did confirm it was in
In any case, in addition to more than 60 viewers now being tracked
in this way, there are numerous others who have appeared less than
the required 3 times, exhibit a clearly human (not robot) browsing
style, and come each time from the same IP#.
Additional aggravation comes from dial-up access and AOL, because
the two access methods provide viewers with a new IP# on each
connection, plus AOL shifts IP#'s throughout a single session. Fuck-em.
To add insult to these injuries, bots are getting ever better at
looking like humans in order to avoid having web masters block them
from stealing bandwidth and content. Robots probably comprise 99.9%
of all of the "unique visitors" that web site owners are typically
told are viewing their sites—via the best automated reports.
Hmm...automated reports over stating the number of web site
visitors. Looks like the bots are looking out for the bots.
I can state all this right out loud, because I don't get paid for
Internet nonsense. And if you think this is all very boring stuff,
you should only guess how SlingShot feels about it.
AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING GOES VIRAL: For the few of you who may not know, "going viral" is the
new Internet buzzword for a page, video, or element achieving such
mass attention worldwide, therefore appearing on so many different
computers, that it has in effect taken on the aspect of a self
replicating computer virus. In other words, it is everywhere, and it
can't be stopped.
Attendance is up, and this week American Road Cycling
This is probably due to all the new audio stuff which allows people
to download their copies, put it on their iPods, and go off to the
As for the particulars, it happened like this. Previously
American Road Cycling had maybe 3 or 4 regular viewers. However,
with the new audio, we now enjoy almost (and I say this without
boasting), almost a half dozen viewers. Statistically that is an
increase of, well, A LOT!
The anxiously awaited SPECIAL AUDIO
MESSAGE FOR TRAVIS has been delayed until tomorrow in
order to repeat yesterday's SPECIAL LATE
BREAKING NEWS with a quote from Poor Latrine.
SPECIAL LATE BREAKING NEWS: For those
of you who may have missed these photos (though the CC list read
like the Manhattan phone book), here is a picture of Dangerous Dan
Sullivan smiling. Obviously, this is before he took out his PDA with
scientific calculator and made a spreadsheet comparison of watts vs.
weight vs. slope vs. acceleration vs. the Ridgebury problem.
These photos from Humberto Cavalheiro were accompanied only by the following cryptic message:
21.00 miles---46:00 minutes
Smile while you can, boys. Smile while you can.
On being contacted for comment, Poor Latrine said of these photos:
"It was one of the more interesting fittings I have ever done. I
Humberto's measurements in the database, so I knew I was
already in the ballpark. I had to do some tweaking after Miguel was
in motion under whatever pressure Dan and George could apply, but at
that point it was all rather straight forward. I really was thankful
for the fit cycle. And after careful review of the Computrainer
data, I am also really thankful that I gave up cycling last year."
AS PREDICTED: Yesterday's
TOMORROW IN AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING
promised that today's American Road Cycling would include a
report of SlingShot receiving his comeuppance for beating all
The Black Widow's personal bests of last year. We are happy
to report our precognizance remains perfectly unsullied. The
Shot's cheese was happily snatched.
So fuck th'all o' ya's.
Hmm...but that was yesterday. Ugh. These time shifting cross
references are beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Ok, hold on,
that sort of scans nice, but it don't make no sense.
TRAINING PROGRESS REPORT:
As for their current body weights, SlingShot and The Black
Widow are mere shadows of their former selves.
Early morning photo 12/27/06 by Mary Endico of
SlingShot and The Black Widow's shadows in the parking
lot of Walsingham Park.
As for their speed, yesterday, pulling alone for an entire loop in
Fort De Soto Park, SlingShot blew away all of last year's
Florida Spring Training personal bests...both his and The
Black Widow's, even those of late spring, even those where the
two had worked together. Not only did he beat their personal best
team effort by 0.3 mph, he bested The Black Widow's solo
effort by almost a mile an hour.
This does not bode well for SlingShot, because
last week he did pretty much the same thing on another course, and
The Black Widow came out two days later and beat his time by
Nobody likes a smart ass.
Speaking of smart asses, Dangerous Dan Sullivan has been
crowned King of the Computrainer by Poor Latrine and Humberto
Really, nobody likes a smart ass.
RETRACTION OF "KEVIN HALEY" SPECIAL EDITION:
A few days ago, American Road Cycling made a most grievous
error in reporting right here on these very pages that Kevin
Haley was inexplicably found on the cover of Vanity Fair
Magazine. Our chagrin stems not so much from the mistaken
identity (for in fact it did look like him), but for our cavalier
attitude in stating, "What
the hell is Kevin Haley doing on the cover of Vanity Fair?"
In all fairness, it should not surprise anybody to find Kevin
Haley on the cover of a national magazine, for he is in fact a
rather handsome sort. Still, we are quite sorry for the error,
because this time it was not Kevin Haley.
Hmph, just some other gay guy I suppose...oh, jesus, is that mic
FIRST PRIME TAKEN:
This morning Palletman handily beat out Poor Latrine
(by 2 hours and 45 minutes) to be the
first to arrive at American Road Cycling for the year 2007.
He then repeated his performance 2 hours and 41 minutes later as he
bested Poor by 4 minutes thus becoming also the second place arriver.
Poor is himself beginning to feel quite comfortable with 3rd place
finishes or less.