American Road Cycling

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2007/01-03: Old 's
 

"All the New's Too Old to Print!"
 

Please read WARNING below.                                                       Whoops! TOO FUCKING LATE!

WARNING: If strong language offends, please leave this site NOW.

Please read WARNING above.                                                       Whoops! TOO FUCKING LATE!

03/31/07


 
 

TODAY'S INSTALLMENT: Today's installment of American Road Cycling will be written during this morning's Hump, and it may or may not be published. To insure you will be able to enjoy this exciting episode, show up and ride the Hump.

If you are FG, track down SlingShot and give him an excuse to go easy.

The fast ride begins at 10:00 am, because Kevin Shithead Haley has requested it.

T-shirt Update: The Love the Hump Winter Series 2007 T-shirts have arrived. Ask somebody in charge of them where yours is. SlingShot and The Black Widow will personally pick up Brand New Bruce's for him and deliver it to a Tuesday Harriman Ride.

03/30/07

Whee...that tickles!


 
 

BLOOD SPORT: It probably wasn't an "actual" mistake, just a "sort of" mistake, but that's what I get for believing the hype.

Yesterday, The Widder and I went out with Dangerous Dan, Turtle Boy Humberto Cavalheiro, and Doug Allen, or as he appears on race rosters G Douglas Allen, apparently some sort of civil war hero.

The ride was slated as a Silence of the Lambs ride, and it sort of was.

Humberto was just back from a week in Portugal. Turns out he spent time riding with an old school chum, currently No. 3 in the World in Masters. It wasn't really a planned get together, Humberto was out walking the family sheep when he saw a rider coming up a little hill (see photo below) and stopped him to ask about a local friendly ride.

 
Humberto's birthplace. Not a porta-potty in site.

As with all great events surrounding Humberto, turns out he knew the guy in school, and also later found out he was right now his neighbor in Portugal. Humberto has a way of finding the right neighbors.

Dangerous Dan was just recovering from the big crash in the sprint at the end of last week's Sussex. He pointed out a scratch here, an abrasion there, a little bit of a contusion someplace else, and no remembrance whatsoever of the crash. Previously on this page, Palletman described Dan as "...on his back like a turtle," but Dan has not the slightest recollection.

As for Doug: this ride was his idea. We received an e-mail earlier about how he'd like to do a ride if anybody knew of one, and Humberto had responded, "Everybody meet at the Turtle Hut."

Considering the situation with these guys, and reviewing Doug's CC list (after all Paul Latrine was on it), we really did believe Dangerous when he responded to SlingShot's question, "You going slow or fast?" and he said, "Slow."

Then the ride began.

Sorry this article is so short. You'll just have to pick up a copy of the Enquirer to finish your coffee with, but in summary, when I am on 32, just 4 miles into a ride, and the road is flat, and I am pretty fucking impressed with myself that I am holding a rather comfortable 27.5 (sometimes just over 28), well, I really hate to have the thought, "Wait a minute, what is wrong with this picture [not the one above], those guys are dropping me!"

Fortunately, Doug was there to pull me and the Widder back, sort of.

In any case, I would write more, but I no longer find cycling the least bit funny.

I'm making a note to myself that later today, when I think I'm getting a cold because of my sore throat, I have to consider I tasted blood in my mouth after yesterday's ride.

One final thing: Humberto, we've talked about this before, so this is the last time I'll mention it. Just stay the fuck OFF MY WHEEL.


That's right, Humberto, they came up this way.
We don't know which way they went either.
Take a breather. Here's a glove.

 

03/29/07


 
 

NOTHIN' BUT NET

American Road Cycling is in jeopardy of being kicked off the Net. We are looking into the matter and hope to survive.

However, we are extremely fortunate to have intercepted the missives which might have proven our downfall. Lucky for us, SlingShot read them before his interview with the Federal Internet Compliance Authority, so had a chance to prepare an avertive response.

 Following are the two e-mails that were passed to ARC, along with a pertinent question.

E-mail 1

Hi Dr. Art,

Do you know anyone who collects sports
memorabilia, or is a basketball fan and collects?

I have in my possession some really early (1959)
Harlem Globetrotters stuff... an "Official Souvenir
Program," a roster of the game between the
Harlem Globetrotters and a team called the
Hawaii 50th Staters, as well as the flyer
announcing the game at the Asbury Park
Convention Hall in Asbury Park, NJ.

All this stuff features Wilt "The Stilt" Chamberlain!

Frank
 

E-mail 2

Frank,

I'm willing to bet that if you put it on eBay, you'll
get fiddy bucks for it. Or, you can use the program
to line the birds cage, save a few trees for gods sake. I don't know anyone who collects such
meaningless crap. Do not bother me again. And
another thing, I don't want any more copies of the
Watchtower either. Stop sending your friends to
my door selling it.

Dr. Artie Art, Artie Art Donohue

 

The Question

Gee... did Artie get dropped on the Hump last weekend?

 

Not since Kevin Shithead Haley threatened the murder of Doug Allen for passing along sappy chain spam mail, has there been such an uproar out in the cybers.

However, as for our two e-mails at hand: There were in reality more than the one single question asked, but all the others were asked of SlingShot by the Feds.

Apparently, this type of nonsense is specifically prohibited from the Internet at large, and is supposed to be confined within the hairline borders of the Chatter Box.

There was a very tense moment during the "interview" when SlingShot tried to point out that the comments above were inappropriate for American Road Cycling, because "...here we are involved with actual sport, not making couch potato goo-goo eyes at others who are actually competing."

Fortunately, SlingShot knew to bail out of a position, when immediately one of the "investigators" flinched, got all jiggy eyed, and the smell of fire, brimstone, and Gitmo rended the air, because "sports spectators" had been cast in an unkindly light.

Turns out the interviewer was a NASCAR fan, who really believes that a sport exists in drinking beer and hooting around a big screen TV. Or maybe he was a golf fan. Or maybe it was extreme competition checkers, but no matter.

In any case, SlingShot finally made a compromise by promising to do his best to see that all such vituperative assaults from the pen of Dr. Donohue will in the future be dumped directly into Artie Facts, so the local health authorities may continue their close monitoring of Artie's deteriorating mental state.

As for The Question asked via e-mail, it does appear that Dr. Art may have gotten a little hot under the collar. It is most obvious in his total disregard for paragraphitizationing, but it is highly unlikely his anger is related to poor Humping performance.

Generally, one must show up for the Hump in order to be pissed-off about being dropped from it, notwithstanding SlingShot's constant dismay over the ongoing state of Saturday affairs, even though he himself is, for the most part, absent.

In SlingShot's case, he is merely following standard form, in which the longer he is absent, the more he professes intimate knowledge of the Hump's workings, while expressing a longing for the good old days, "...when the Hump was friendly."

In Dr. Art's case, he was probably just disgusted with the placement of a decal in one of his display cases.
 

BTW: Humberto, stop laughing so loud, and get back to doing your books. Jen has come downstairs to check on you and is watching from the doorway.

03/28½/07


 
 

REPORT FROM AUGUSTA
Palletman (Dan McNeilly)

My first experience riding down at the Sussex County Fairgrounds has me feeling as if my body has been put through a meat grinder this morning.

Somebody had the great idea that I could ride both the Masters race at 5:30 pm, and the B race at 6:00 pm. This would give me a really good workout. So, like the lemming I am, I bobbed my head up and down and said, "Yeah that sounds great, two races for the price of one."

How hard could the 45+ Masters race be at only five laps? My answer: Extremely Hard! So after getting humiliated in the Masters, and before I caught my breath, I find myself at the line for the B race.

Dangerous Dan's suggestion: "Palletman you might want to sit in the pack the first few laps in this race."

That's a great idea Dan. That way my tongue dragging along the ground won't get in anyone's way.

"Hey Dangerous, how long is the B race? "

"I'm not sure, I didn't hear them announce it."

"Hey, Bicycle Doctor, how long is this race?"

"Hmmmm, I think it's thirty minutes plus 5 laps."

"Ok, thanks. Just wanted to know when to plan my attack."

I figured this, "Twenty-five minutes of dragging my tongue around the course, and I prepare to make my move. After they start counting down the laps, with three to go, I move."

Thirty minutes, no lap counter, thirty-five minutes, no lap counter, forty minutes, no lap counter, forty-five minutes, no lap counter, fifty minutes, no lap counter.

"Hey guys, is someone watching the clock? I'm gettin' tired out here. Bike Doctor, you sure about the thirty minutes plus five laps?"

Hmmmm, did they say something about riding till dark? I can't remember.

Fifty-five minutes, no lap counter. One hour... six laps to go. Thank God! I'm just about toast out here. Time to move.

Wait a minute, how do I get around all these Skylands riders?

They're like gnats, all over the place. Every attack, chased down. Ok, settle in. Save it for the sprint. After an hour and twenty minutes everyone makes the final switchback left onto the little rise before the finish together.

It's going to get ugly, the A racers have caught onto the B race, and everyone will finish together.

Like a flash, someone goes down. And like a nuclear reaction, it starts a massive pileup. Last thing I see as I go by is Dangerous Dan on his back like a turtle. At that point the finish is in disarray, which is fine with me, since I didn't have any real expectation to be anywhere near the front.

Happy to report that Dangerous Dan was able to get off his back and had only minor injuries.

On a sadder note TP Joe Straub, with $30.00 of winnings in his pocket, wouldn't part with a nickel of it for either gas, coffee, or a slice of pizza.

I guess the TP stays.

P'man
 

Ogay, Yoe Shraub, you cah ruh buh you cayah hi.
Palletman receiving a tongue lashing.

03/28/07


 
 

HUMBERTO'S BACK


Humberto discussing appropriate chew toys with Mondega.
 

"Yes, that's right. Humberto is really good at
laughing at himself. It's a good thing too,
because there's so much to laugh at." -Jen


HARRIMAN SPRING OPENER:
Yesterday, Poor Latrine, Nuclear Dan Buckley, The Black Widow, and SlingShot completed the first of this year's traditional Tuesday Harriman Rides.

Everybody was in the mood for something a little easy.

Poor Latrine is just turning toward getting back in racing form, because he has been asked to come to the aid of an unnamed team, in an unnamed race series. There's been some trouble with team organization during the races, and a touch up is needed.

Nuclear Dan has an important race this Saturday, and wanted a workout, but also wanted to make sure his legs are recovered from his severe program leading up to the race.

Dan's legs were a little overdone, because last Saturday he rode 50 miles during the Hump, due to an extended warm-up with BLASTER Jim Amels. It was Dan's longest ride since last June.

His duathlon races call for training with more intensity at shorter distances and lots and lots of intervals and running.

On last Saturday's Hump, despite his best intentions, Dan found it difficult to resist pushing himself into overload, because there were other riders there.

The Black Widow is just back from Floriduh, and is so stressed and busy getting things back in shape for the coming year in her studio, she counted on a brisk but light workout in Harriman.

SlingShot himself had decided to bow out of the day's opening race at Sussex, after getting on the scale in the morning and realizing he is a fat-ass loser, and anything (even a slow day) in Harriman is plenty enough workout for his pitiful state of conditioning.

So it was a lovely ride in the park—Harriman, to be specific.

On the way home, The Black Widow questioned, "Who was upset over the pace? Anybody who had a problem with it could have just slowed down. Everybody would have waited. If Dan wasn't there, Poor Paul would have gone slower."

SlingShot added, "And if Paul wasn't there, Dan would have gone slower."

The Black Widow shot back, "So why didn't YOU just slow up on Tiorati?"

SlingShot, "I couldn't."
 

03/27/07


 
 

BETHEL UPDATE: All of the confusion regarding results for last Sunday's Bethel Race has been cleared up.

Actually, there never was any confusion as far as SlingShot was concerned. Although his scum bucket alter ego SlamCrank questioned it, SlingShot knew that if Toe Clip said it, it happened.

Only Palletman sending some unsupported text e-mail made him pause for a moment and think, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." But he wouldn't even have paused there, if Palletman was not such a lady.

The Official results have now been updated online at: carpediemracing.org. Palletman's name is there along with Doug Allen, TP Joe Straub, and the others. Toe Clip's 17th is off the charts.

In any case, time for an old story.

Lots of you who are new to this site may not have heard this before. In fact, it may not have even been published here before, because it happened before "here" existed.

To get right to the point, did you know that The Black Widow retired from racing some time ago? UNDEFEATED!

That's right, undefeated, as in nobody ever beat her in a race, NEVER.

Her final race was at the Augusta Series, Sussex Fairgrounds several years ago, which series, by the way, begins today in case you'd like to run over there, pick up a day license, and get smacked around a bit.

 [A link to Augusta was provided above, but it turned out to be one of those pages that grab you and won't let go, so the link was removed. Somebody talk to Skylands web master, have it fixed, and we can start sending people there again]

At the time of Mary's last race, the series was being run rather informally to help people get started racing who hadn't raced before. The 1, 2, 3 would go out together. And the 4, 5's would race separately. If you were there for the 4, 5's, however, it was allowed you could race with the 1, 2, 3's. Just as long as you did not get in the way of primes, finish sprints, etc.

Since the 1, 2, 3's went out first, it was an open invitation for people such as SlingShot to go warm up before the 4, 5's began, and that day he talked The Black Widow into going out with him.

After three laps plugged onto the back of the 1, 2, 3's, SlingShot remembered that his own race was coming up, and he'd better stop and save a little something, or anything really.

When he pulled off he found The Black Widow was already stopped, and she reported she had enough of racing, would meet him at home, and would never race again, "...as long as there is breath in my lungs!"

Forty-five minutes later, the 4, 5's went out and SlingShot soon became aware that they were actually going faster than the 1, 2, 3's. SlingShot held on for a mere lap and a half before getting dropped. After that he took Jimmy Nails' suggestion to let the group lap him, then try to hang on again. In fact, he found a little hill that dropped onto the course, so he could get a run on the group and hook back on.

However, try as he might he could not get his fat-ass past the hard switchback left onto the slight upgrade just before the finish line. He just got dropped there again and again. It was good interval work, but nothing to write about... except for The Widow's results.

Next week at the Hump, Kevin Shithead Haley started on a jag about how he'd heard how good Mary had done at Sussex. He kept going on about it, until it seemed like it might not be a total goof. So SlingShot looked the results up online.

Sure enough, there was Mary Endico Fugett as winner of the Women's Division. She had won a race that had not even started until forty-five minutes after she had left the course.

It was understandable, because the end of a bicycle race is a real chaotic moment. What is surprising is that there are any cranks, chains, calipers, tires, handle bars, legs, feet, arms, or anything at all that is still held together like a bicycle and rider, instead of just a bunch of used bicycle parts strewn across a road painted with blood and guts stew. But that's just the way it is.

Did you ever stop to think how a chain ring with chain might act very similar to a chain saw when being dragged over your leg at 30 mph, under 160 lbs of pressure from the rider's weight who is crashing over your already crashed body? So it's pretty miraculous anything is left at after one of these bike thrashing, needs to get me my props, sprint finishes.

Then there's the standard confusion, like whenever SlingShot sees a race, he can't even recognize good friends in the group. All he can manage is to stand by the road, jump up and down, clap his hands together, and scream over and over, "Wheee! Bicycles going fast. Wheee! Bicycles going fast."

Of course, Race Officials are certainly more focused than SlingShot, but still...

If Mary had planned to race anymore, she would have taken the win as the luck of the draw, but there was certainly someone else there who could and would use the points, so she turned herself in, and the record was set straight.

If there ever seems to be a problem with a race you compete in, make sure to report it to the Officials. That way you might avoid the fate of TP Joe Straub who missed getting seen by the camera during his first race, and missed having it recorded as a close to first place finish. Instead it was recorded as DNF.

Just remember The Black Widow won her first race ever, did it forty-five minutes after she left the venue, and retired immediately with a career record of: UNDEFEATED.

When it comes to races, your results may vary.
 

03/26½/07


 
 

BETHEL RESULTS
- Rick Sanchez (Toe Clip Guy)

A LESSON LEARNED (TOO WELL): Here's what Toe Clip Guy had to say about today's race at Bethel.

Kudos to Palletman for taking 2nd in today's Bethel crit. Congrats also to Mark from the Bicycle Doctor for placing 5th in the same race.

Don't know exactly how Joe Straub placed in the Cat 4 race, except that he did not take 1st this week.

However, I was told Joe might look for redemption in the Master's Cat (didn't stick around to see).

And, as for this Toe Clip Guy: Let's just say it was my own Baptism by Fire, especially in the last two laps.

I was working the race pretty good (I think), as I was able to stay near the front for most of the race.

I took the lead for a bit here and there, even waved others on to help share the work (to no avail), but thenright before the start of the last two lapsit was like I just showed up with toe clips!!!

I knew it would be hard for me to stay in the final sprint, so I figured I'd get a head start with a break away.

It didn't last long. The pack came up and blew by, leaving me with this feeling like they knew about the toe clips.

Final result: a meager 17th place and a lesson learned.

Toe Clip Guy

 

Editor's Note: Unless there were only 17 riders in your race, the word "meager" applied to your result is likely to appear merely a taunt to most readers of this page.

Near the front is good. Off the front is subject to negotiation, speculation, risk taking, and team effort. A standard ploy of other racers (read "teams") is to take turns luring you out into the open, while they also take turns resting... but apparently you know that by now.

SlingShot probably knows it better than just about anybody else, except for Peetie Pete Peetie Kaka. SlingShot has never been able to get anybody to pull through after he wastes himself on the front, and as for Peetie Kaka, well... that is beyond the scope of this article.

Suffice it to say, SlingShot knows the routine but just can't stop himself from falling for it (too much fun), and Peetie Kaka probably knows about it but just doesn't care (too much fun). Next time have fun, but not too much. That will surely cut considerably into the fun of everybody else (when you beat them), which is the real point after all, isn't it?

Also be safe, but there's no such thing as too safe.
 

03/25/07

 


 
 

OH, THE HUMANITY: Usually, I don't like to say anything, but after what I saw happen on yesterday's Hump, I feel I have no choice. I must comment.

Sometimes it is unbelievable how wretchedly nasty people will treat each other, and yesterday's example was one of the worst I've seen.

But since I know many of you hang on every word, waiting for news of my own performance, I will address that first.

Yesterday was my first Hump after coming back from Winter Training Camp in Floriduh. 

The Hump is now totally different, because Dangerous Dan Sullivan got sick and tired of The Black Widow and Paul Latrine taking a shortcut past the titty bar, so he blew up the bridge there.

Despite the new route, I did pretty well. Better than I expected.

We got home Thursday after a couple days driving, and very little sleep, but I managed to get out that afternoon and post a couple Personal Bests for this year's baselines. Then Friday, Palletman (that sniveling little shit) showed up for a ride from our house, and further wasted me (and The Black Widow) in a cold-assed rain ride from hell. Therefore, I didn't expect much from my first Hump. It was to be my third hard day in a row.

Which reminds me. Most of the riders at yesterday's Hump (at least those who paid attention and knew the start was 10:00 am, not 9:00, and therefore were not those we passed going the opposite direction near the Jolly Onion) were attending the Hump one day before their Bethel Race.

Somebody ought to tell them that the correct stance for day before race day is to take a rest. Light easy spin at most. I'm sure some of them are already saying, "SlingShot, it WAS a rest day. We were riding with YOU," but I was not the only rider there, and anytime those race-holes get together there's sure to be glycogen used up. In support of that thesis there's the question, "What happened when Mary attacked on the last hill before the Jolly Onion? Pace seemed to pick up pretty quickly, and it did not come down."

You'd think by now, nobody would give a Black Widow attack any more credence than an Elvis sighting. So if they responded that way to Mary, how do you expect they responded to Kevin Shithead Haley the next time he "stressed his legs a little." What's going on with those guys? Testosterone run all 'round their brains? The glycogen wasted on Mary (though admittedly not much) might be better spent at Bethel.

As for my my own performance, I have no complaints. My knee is a little better (not perfect), my back is a little better (not perfect), my times are already comparable to the end of last year (not perfect), and my weight is a little higher than I'd like (just perfect). In any case, now that the Skinniest Bob Ever joke has run its course (everybody's seen me), I can mention I'm back over 182 lbs, so my "good" bike is going back to Paul's today.

All things considered, I'm riding stronger than my best of last year, even though my weight is not as good, so things are looking up.

Oh yeah, almost forgot, I still have not commented on how horribly people on the Hump treat each other.

As we approached the final little group that had dropped us (by us I mean The Black Widow and me), I was almost satisfied that The Black Widow had finished paying the price for her attacking Twin George near the beginning of the ride, accomplishing nothing more than getting me dropped. Actually, she got herself dropped first, but as I passed her blown-up ass half way up her "attack" hill, I realized her little stunt would mean the end of my ride in another hundred yards or so. Once the trigger is pulled, the shell cannot be returned to the chamber.

In any case, Mary was just finishing up her "Now, bitch, you can just pull SlingShot for the remainder of the ride." punishment when we saw a splinter group of riders stopped before us on the last turn before the "S" curve.

When we pulled up to them, TP Joe Straub was changing a flat, and had so far successfully held off Paul Latrine from grabbing it and doing it himself. Joe had accomplished this miracle for longer than anybody could remember anybody else ever doing it, but as we arrived OCD Latrine was just taking over, so the tube change was soon to be completed.

This is the sort of thing Paul can never stop himself from doing. But nobody really minds that Paul does this shit, because it gives us all a break, and we use the free time to discuss what an asshole Paul is. He is always so involved in "running the show," counting the number of cracks he steps on, casually mentioning the number of matches from the box just spilled that landed on the ground, and such, he never even notices.

Later, back in the parking lot at Big V, I was just behind Joe as he approached Palletman standing by his car already changing into street clothes.  I heard Palletman say to Joe, "When we saw you had the flat..."

I jumped in immediately, "Wait a minute! You KNEW Joe had a flat. And you left him out there on his own to fix it? You didn't even stop?"

Palletman, "Right. We were nearing the sprint."

"What is wrong with you people? How can you treat somebody like that? What the hell do you think Joe is... A TOE CLIP GUY?"

BTW: Once again The Black Widow won the Ladies' Division Hump. Might have been different if any other women had showed up.

Favorite Quote: As usual, SlingShot's favorite quote came from Anonymous; because, like always, he was looking at the ground wheezing at the time and didn't see who it was. This one came just as he was fading on Iron Mike's Hill (in reverse) on the way out.

However, there's a pretty good chance it was TP Joe Straub who said, "You ain't on no overpass now are you, SlingShot."

Of course, Joe is the spokes model for a big-time gymnasium which bears his name and which wouldn't be a turd in a drainage ditch without Joe leading the way, so among his front runner talents, he has a way with words, and that smile.

Also, it might have been Kevin Shithead Haley who said it, but that's about it for suspects.

Editor's Note: SlingShot did survive that hill, barely. It wasn't till two hills later that the Black Widow "attacked" Twin George and set him up for his ritual dropping.

Update: The Winter Hump Series 2007 T-Shirts have shipped. More later.


 

03/24/07

Bianchi, is that guy behind me looking at my ass?


 
 

HACKING COUGH: Yesterday, Cranky received a commendation toward receiving a Hack Job Superitas Award for her concerted and logical attempt to hack past the new Chatter Box security system.

Apparently, she did this while her little friend (and we mean little, as in: that skinny little shit) Palletman diverted us out on our bikes in the rain.

Cranky's status is hereby upgraded to: We like her.

Unfortunately, although Cranky selected an extremely logical and systematic approach to breaking and entering, she apparently assumed this sort of flogging would not be the very first thing that SlingShot expected, and which he would take steps to guard against.

For her tacit assumption that SlingShot is a low functioning Mongoloid idiot, Cranky's status is hereby upgraded to: We like her A LOT.

It should be noted, however, the Chatter Box security system is really (and wisely) a very low level of security. Just like all other forms of security, it can be broken by about any seven year old on the planet. In fact, we encourage seven year olds to hack there way in, if they promise to take their clothes off real slow as they do. So let us help them get started!

The American Road Cycling security system is basically controlled by a unique password protection scheme which was quick to design, easy to implement, and scaleable to the tune of about 3 or 4 users.

If not for one basic flaw (which flaw is not an implementation of a design parameter, but which flaw is recognized as intrinsic to the design), we would have nary a problem. Except for this one singular flaw, the Chatter Box security system is robust and unassailable as any in the world.

Because that flaw is the weak point of our system, and since all systems eventually fail at the weak point, American Road Cycling finds it advisable to give away the specifics of this weakness right up front. Doing so will save others the time of trying to figure it out, and us the trouble of trying to protect against it.

As an aside, we are sorry that we must point out that this is also a flaw existing in every other security system which you may believe protects you.

Here is the secret: If you really want to break the system, merely ask a friend, foe, acquaintance, or passerby for their password. Eventually somebody will give it up. You can make this happen a little faster if you pretend to be somebody in authority, or at least somebody with the password holder's best interests at heart. Rely upon the fact that most people are totally unaware 99.9999% of all security problems are a function of their own ignorance and stupid fumblings.

To prove this to yourself, please e-mail your bank account numbers, security pin numbers, and particulars of your financial holdings, along with a signed declaratory statement to the effect that SlingShot is allowed to use your accounts freely and at his own discretion.

If you are a seven year old, put on your mommy's dress. This allows you to go through her things. Find the stuff mentioned above and send it to us, along with a picture of yourself in the dress.

Actually, the previous two paragraphs had to be deleted from the final version of this document, due to the large number of letters SlingShot was receiving with people's particulars.

Moving on. We are divulging the nutshell of our security technology, because it may prove a boon to American Road Cycling, and maybe to Cranky herself.

Here's the deal: If anybody ever succeeds hacking the security code and fucking with SlingShot in a manner not to his liking (such as that separate attack last winter, not Cranky's), SlingShot will merely shut the site down (or at least the interactive parts), and go get a life or something like it.

If Cranky is the one who does it, her status will be upgraded to: National Treasure, and SlingShot's favorite person ever, because not MUCH of this is worth ANY of this.

Editor's Note: Wasn't there some trouble over at #### which never got resolved? Has it not been proved past question that there are only 3 or 4 users on the Internet who are remotely interested in cycling? We are not saying... we're just saying.

Nevertheless, to SlingShot's way of thinking, there has not been such an interesting series of events since Bill Gates (basically a marketeer, not even a technologist) took everything that International Business Machines ever owned and exiled them out amongst the rattlesnakes, leaving them with nothing but a few large lawn sculptures of the letters IBM.

 

03/23½/07


 
 

CLEARING THE AIR: This morning 911 Emergency Services and then a HAZMAT squad had to be called over to Paul Latrine's house in Central Valley, NY.

What happened was that SlingShot and The Black Widow showed up to check out the results of Paul's winter work upon his buttocks, so SlingShot would know if there was going to be anybody he could ride with this year.

Our intrepid couple knew before going over to Paul's, that he had an early morning fitting appointment, but they figured they'd get there beforehand, quickly pinch Paul's waist, then run home and put the data into the American Road Cycling Hump-o-matic Precognitive Ride Software to start planning their spring workouts.

Unfortunately, when they arrived at Paul's, they found it was not a regular fitting. This was a tweak session for The Angel  (Lugie), and her gal pal Schmoopie. So SlingShot was immediately sensitive about not interrupting. This was no regular fitting for some yo-yos off the street, this was the real deal Paul Latrine Stinkature Silos fitting for two top-of-the-line actual competitors. No time for small talk, bullshit, or distractions. But still... there was that little matter of, "Just how fat has Paul gotten?"

That's when tragedy struck. Paul and SlingShot got so heavily into a Suck in Your Belly Contest. The room was vacated of oxygen, or so it seems while The Widow chatted via speaker phone with Turtle Boy in Portugal.

Three by-standers hit the floor passed out, and 911 had to be called.

The HAZMAT squad collected air samples and sent them to the lab. By sometime next week, we should know whether it was oxygen debt that took out the crowd, or just the aftermath of a winter's worth of nightly Tanqueray 10 and Tonics being dumped into the cavernous salsa soup cauldron that Paul has perched above his (now) massive flatulence resonating apparatus.

We will report the results here when they become available. In the meantime don't get near, or call Paul's ass fat.
 

03/23/07


 
 

WINTER HUMP T-SHIRTS: The arrival of the Winter Hump Series 2007 T-Shirt awards will be delayed slightly, because one of the Office Girls forgot to fill out the second tuple of the 17th copy of "forms in triplicate" that were required for their shipment.

Apparently, somebody at the T-shirt factory is real heavy into collecting TP Joe Straub signatures and saw this as a golden opportunity to corner the market on them.

PERSONALS: Yesterday, on SlingShot's first ride after returning from American Road Cycling Winter Training Camp in Florida (State), he posted two personal bests on what is ostensibly the old Club Wednesday ride.

He is currently about 2.5 miles an hour faster than this time last year. If this trend continues through November, it will be as SlingShot envisioned all this grueling winter. He will be dropped on Ridgebury almost immediately.

That doesn't sound like much, since on the face of it, this appears to be status quo, but the subtle particulars of the matter are that SlingShot hopes to be dropped a few yards further in than at the turn onto the road itself. Plus, he hopes to feel like some sort of a human being (instead of his customary splattered turd) on the top of the hill (or any of the other six little bumps on the way) up to Soon's Orchard.

Maybe not much of a goal for many, but many of the goals for SlingShot.

Oh... wait a minute. The bridge by Passions is out!

The Hump, at best, will be following a totally different route. SlingShot will have to figure out all his shit all the fuck over again. The dude is screwed.

Apparently, SlingShot's status is so quo it is a clone.
 

03/21/07


 
 



PLEASE STAND BY
(Actually, you'd better take a seat.)

TAXI DRIVER: Spend a few days reading and rereading the following. It is worth it. It's e-mail from Dr. Artie Art Artie Art Donohue, and is in response to The Black Widow writing, "...don't open this if there is another human within 50 feet!!!!!!!!"

Hello Bob and Mary,

I completely enjoyed Bob's version of "I've got muscle where it  counts."

I was curious if Bob always walks around the house like that. It's one thing in the living room, but I've got to figure the neighbors get to talking when he waters the lawn or rolls the trash cans out to the curb.

Won't be long now before we see you guys again. Looking forward to showing off my lack of fitness.

Joe Straub called me this past week... wondering if I'd like to ride with him.

The dialog went something like this:

Joe: Hey Art. How's it going?

Art: Good... good... and with you?

Joe: Great! I won again at Bethel this week. I held off the field for the last 47 laps and won solo.

Art: Nicely done Joe.

Joe: Do you want to ride with me this week?

Art: (no response)

Joe: Art...are you there?

Art: Oh... I'm sorry, Joe. Were you talking to me?


Editor's Note: Too bad Bethel was cancelled this week. Nobody got to see Joe's triumph.
 

Mary's subsequent response:


No, no, no. A thousand times, NO! Bob did NOT make that photo!!!!

Nuclear Dan Buckley made it on his own and sent it to ARC!!! You saw it the way we got it. It was based on the photo of Bob outside the "shot room" at Fort De Soto.

Dan was soooo worried about his own impending "pantsing," he prepared a preemptory strike using the photo of Bob he found in the Old New's. Of course, I'm sure you noticed the good use he made of your own photo as well.

We heard afterwards that he waited 3 days before he could even look at my own version of him—he was scared Shotless!

The Black Widow
Chief Executive Pantser


Editor's Note: All the exclamation points (!!!) in The Widow's response were a function of her dismay that people might think she created the SlingShot pantsing photo, plus miss the fact that Bob himself does very little in the way of pantsing around here. It's not the photo's vile (though understated) raw graphic that had her upset, but because the execution was not up to her rabid standard of excellence. Also she's a little worried that she isn't getting enough credit for all the other pantsings.

We could spend time comparing Mary's carefully studied work to the obviously quick and dirty paste-up job that Dan performed putting those Photosop layers together, but we would have to publish the photo itself in order to make things perfectly clear. Unfortunately, that image has already crashed several MySpace servers because of the number of people that have been looking at it. No need to repeat something here that has been done to death elsewhere.

In any case, any comparison would be pointless. Mary's work is obviously better, but Dan has an actual life, so he was unable to spend several days on each and every corner of pixilated minutia as does The Widow. Considering his time constraints, Dan's work on the photo was brilliant. But I'm preaching to the choir here, everybody has already seen that photo, and loved it.

Additionally, SlingShot was preparing an exhaustive study of the social, cultural, and comic elements embodied in the work, but it looks as though a road trip is immanent, so time does not permit. Maybe later, if SlingShot ever gets over being pissed off at Dan for giving him the Hitler moustache. The rest of you probably thought it was cute.

Next stop: Harriman.

Oh yeah, we almost forgot: Here's one from Bianchi, in response to the Black Widow commenting how we'd just seen a PBR (Professional Bull Riding) cowboy who reminded us of Bianchi. The PBR by the way seems to be losing riders almost as fast this year as the Pro Tour is losing cyclists. Guess bull riding is starting to get a little dangerous.
 

Hello Bob&Mary,

Are you sure it was the young cowboy? Or was it the bull that reminded you of Twin George, that reminded you of me and my scar?

Sorry, but I can't show you my scar.

Radiation is in the third week now, and I still feel good although a little weak at times, but I still have enough energy to work out with Jonathon three times a week.

The doctor suggested my not riding, since my rear end will be a little sensitive from radiation, so I will be running up the bleachers and around the track at Warwick H.S.

Sorry for the delay in writing. I couldn't see my computer screen clearly for awhile, until I found out that I had to degauss the monitor every time I used it due to the radiation.

Knowing this, I set out to all the local computer stores "just to f**k with them"—as Bob would say. Every time they went to demo a Mac, I would walk by and distort the monitor enough for them to loose the sale.

Bob would have been proud of me.

Take care and see you soon,
Radiant Bianchi


Editor's Note: Too bad Bianchi's magnetified monitor has fritzed a bit since his radiation began. He probably missed seeing the SlingShot pantsing which has become all the rage. On the other hand, if he'd seen it, he would not only degausse his computer, he'd delouse it as well.

Couple more weeks of this, and Bianchi's probably going to lose sight of all the humor in his anus. No, I don't mean he's going to pull his head out. Not likely to, at least.
 

03/20/07

This should help clear up the confusion over who's Cranky and who's Twin Lynn.
MOVIE
REVIEW


 
 

DEAD ELVIS SMILE: Overheard at the #### water cooler. Be sure, while reading, to imagine background flowery light elevator music, until the end.

Poker 1: Have you seen the photo of Palletman in the most recent newsletter?

Poker 2: Sure did. Tell me about it. Somebody said he is in top contention for winning a SlingShot's Jersey Award?

Poker 3: How nice. Pass me another doughnut. So Dan is going to win one of SlingShot's Jerseys?

Poker 4: No. He's winning an award for LOOKING most like SlingShot's Jersey! Jelly or plain?

Poker 5: No way! I'll take a few of those croissants. What does Pallet win?

Poker 6: An autographed poster of Karen Carpenter.

Poker 7: Golly wow! Where's the sugar substitute? Autographed by Karen Carpenter?

Poker 8: No, asshole, it's a motherfucking poster of Karen Carpenter. It's autographed by SlingShot. You people make me wanta puke!

Poker 9: Hey... you ain't no Poker, get outa here! Give me back my coffee.

 

Special Movie Review: Twin Lynn comments on the happenings of the day, by way of her scathing review of the Hollywood star making machine's most recent chase scene release.

Hi Mary,

My advice... STAY IN FLORIDA. It sucks here right now. Twelve inches of snow on Friday, and it's snowing again tonight.

Anyway, Greg was stranded on a business trip during the last snow storm. So I was reliant upon Cleetus to get the snow blower going and get my car unburied from the snow. Which he did. But he promptly told me that I "owe him big time."

I offered to take him to the movies and said he could pick the movie. So I had the pleasure of seeing "Ghost Rider." I was the only female in the audience.

I was also the only person over the age of 18. But I must say, for a bad movie, it was sorta decent. The Ghost Rider is Satan's bounty hunter. He catches bad guys and fries their brains and collects their souls.

Evidently, Satan needs a bounty hunter from time to time.

The last time he hired one was in the 19th century, some sort of cowboy gunslinger. Nowadays, cowboys are hard to find, so Satan hired a guy who rides a chopper. And get this... the guy is a skeleton dressed in bike leathers.

When he gets pissed off, his skull starts to burn. It reminds me of that photo of Slingshot in his Bobby Bones jersey... only the flames are missing.

Can you doctor that photo and add some flames?

Cuz it would be REALLY COOL.

Twin
 

Mary responds:

Jeez Lynn. You sure are lucky. I have been trying to get SlingShot to take me to the movies and see Nicholas Cage dressed in leather all winter long. He just keeps telling me that it's a "guy" flick, and for kids, but you and I (wink, wink) know better, don't we.

Best SlingShot could do was take me to see "Wild Hogs,"  which was a little boring, because it was just exactly like every Hump you've ever been on.

Funny you should mention that particular photo of the Bones Jersey. I would love to put some flames on it, but currently Nuclear Dan Buckley owns the rights, as he has already Photoshopped the definitive revelation of SlingShot truth using it. My hands are (wink, wink) tied.

Doesn't matter though, because American Road Cycling was all prepared to publish Nuclear's smaller than actual size renderings, but Humberto already negotiated a limited distribution deal and subsequently spewed it all over the Internet. The photo is used goods, a tainted commodity.

I am surprised you haven't already seen it.

Her Noire-stigator
Mary

 

03/19/07


 
 

TOE CLIP'S SPECIAL TOP SECRET MESSAGE: Nobody but Toe Clip should read this.

Toe Clip, that special little bit of information I gave you will allow you to report your presence in situations where you might otherwise remain covert. Additionally, that other special little bit of information will allow you to do that other particular thing we spoke about that most people aren't even aware they can't do yet.

Unfortunately, your gain in the ATTENDANCE RECORDS is going to be American Road Cycling's loss, because all those extra IP#'s that were previously credited as Unknown Viewers will now be rolled up into one single Toe Clip Report.

Seems like we are never going to climb out of the "only 3 people ever visit this site" category.

In any case, make sure not to mention a word about your little tidbits to anyone (in any place, in any way), and I myself will not place a single word about this on the American Road Cycling web site. For this to work, we have to be extra careful about not discussing any information whatsoever related to methods and practices, so neither those special gifts you received, nor the paragraph's that you are now reading exist.

What paragraphs?

- SlingShot

 

03/18°/07

Whee...that tickles!


 
 

EVERYBODY'S AN ARTIST

Well, it's better than triying to stay on Hincapie's wheel!
photo 03/18/07 by Humberto Turtle Boy Cavalheiro
 

Every middle aged man eventually does three things.

   1)  Lets their belly go.
   2) Dresses up as a woman for Halloween.
   3) Becomes a photographic docu-artist.

It's  not Halloween.


Paul, get back on that Computrainer. This ain't good enough.
photo 03/18/07 by Humberto Turtle Boy Cavalheiro

The bottom photo is the less artistic of the two, because it merely documents just how far Turtle Boy's neighbor Paul Latrine will go to sell him a new MeiVici. If only Humberto had dangled the prospect of upgrading to a custom paint job, Paul would have shoveled right to his door.

Editor's Note: By the way, Humberto, you know they speak Portuguese in Brazil, and right now in Brazil it is not merely "summer like" as in Portugal. Rather, it is summer! Not to mention they enjoy energy resource independence. Maybe you could pop down their and pick up some alternative fuel lawn care equipment to really wow the Tuxedo crowd.
 

03/18/07

Whee...that tickles!


 
 

BOY INTERCEPTED: The American Road Cycling snoop squad just intercepted the following messages from the Internet:
 

Subj: Re: Fw:
Date: 07-03-17 16:17:53 EDT
From: bet70@frontiernet.net (Humberto Cavalheiro)
To: Giant fucking CC list, deleted here due to we ain't assholes

I will be riding with only Pros.

----- Original Message -----
From: Douglas Allen
To: Humberto Cavalheiro
Sent: Saturday, March 17, 2007 10:21 AM
Subject: Re: Fw:


Riding in Portugal?


----- Original Message -----
From: Humberto Cavalheiro
To: Giant fucking CC list, deleted here due to we ain't assholes
Sent: Friday, March 16, 2007 2:35 PM


I will be in Portugal Tuesday, March 20th.
 

Editor's Note: Apparently Humberto has not lost his taste for pricey Euro hookers. Ride hard, Humberto, ride hard. We probably shouldn't have said that, because if Jen sees it she'll poop her panties... but not till she gets back from Portugal of course.
 

03/17/07

Whee...that tickles!


 
 

SON OF SPAM: Here is the follow-up of the 03/16/07 awarding to Turtle Boy of his very own copy of the Nuclear Dan Buckley Photo Essay. First Turtle Boy mistakenly received a TIF (which he could not view), but then we sent a JPG version which he did view. The following response was immediately return posted:

Holy Moly,

I got it now! Are you ok, Mary? That must be very painful for you!!!!

Bob's muscle appears to be just like a time trial bike, rock hard and difficult to ride for an extended time. Does health insurance pay for that much viagra? With such a size, can he blow himself ?

Yours Truly,

Humpty the Turtle Pork
 

To which The Black Widow replied:
 

Turtle Boy,

We sent this picture to you, and to you alone, because we are sure all the other wieners can't handle the truth..........

Widow Widow Mary
 

So there you have it. The pic is outa the bag. That lays to moot our online survey for whether or not we should or should not publish the Nuclear Dan Photo Essay.

Even if you were still allowed to post on the Chatter Box, your vote would be null and void.

Humberto's CC list is slightly smaller than the combined phone books of the Tri-State area, so we are quite certain the jpg has already been more than published widely, especially since we mentioned to his Turtleness that he had the one and only copy. Quite certainly the photo has been thoroughly distributed by Humberto Turtle Boy Cavalheiro himself, SON OF SPAM.

Editor's Note: Of course, we also had to send one complimentary copy of the photo to Dr. Artie Art Artie, seeing as how he had such a large roll in the essay.

But just remember, you didn't see it here first.

Good thing the Chatter Box is closed. We won't have to hear about it.

 

03/16/07

Whee...that tickles!


 
 

TURTLE DREAMS: Yesterday the ARC Staff received the following e-mail:
 

Only in NY do we go from 60/70° to a lovely motherfucking 12 inches of snow within 48 hours.

Do you have an extra room?

Truly your,

Testudines Chelonia

 

Yes, we do in fact have a spare room. It is over at Paul's house. Enjoy.

Editor's Note: Upon receiving the e-mail above, American Road Cycling immediately awarded Testudines his very own copy of the Special Edition pictorial essay by Nuclear Dan Buckley. We are sure Mr. Chelonia took one look at it, got hot under the collar, tucked in his head, and is a lot warmer now.

 

03/15/07


 
 

THE WIDOW ASKS: Over time the American Road Cycling janitorial staff (The Black Widow) has received numerous photos from various sources, all with the same common thread.

That thread is: very, very, very fat chicks who are certainly (for them) dressed in inappropriate attire. These photos are never published here because of possible copyright infringement.

Otherwise, it has gone so far as for one person to have submitted an entire yearly calendar of very, very, very fat chicks. Plus, as if their factual appearance were not garish enough, many of these very, very, very fat chicks were additionally Photoshopped to even greater girth. 

In any case, the repetitive nature of this tawdry exercise (photos of very, very, very fat chicks) has caused The Black Widow to recently ask, "With all these cyclists sending around photos of very, very, very fat chicks, I wonder if very, very, very fat chicks spend their day e-mailing each other pictures of skinny cyclists dressed in spandex. Do you think that is what they think is funny?"

And no, we do not need for anybody to be commenting on this.
 

03/14/07


 
 

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED: Today was supposed to be the publication of one more Daily Pants left over, despite the promise of yesterday that they were all done, kaput, fini.

More about that later. Right now I am so tired I can barely see straight.

Today (03/13/07) started out ok. We took The Black Widow's bike into a local shop to get the pulley assembly looked at. It was hanging up and allowing her chain to drag across the rear wheel stay.

We had set up the service appointment the day before, so we could get in at 10:00 am, go for our walk, come back and get the bike before an afternoon ride. We had planned a Century on a trail that we'd just been told about.

If only we could go into a bike shop for servicing without bringing our bike. Soon as we came back for pickup, the shop owner herded us away from the maintenance engineers, cornered us, and said something like this to Mary:

"I notice you have a high-end Serotta with top of the line components. Apparently you are a stupid old bitty, and you have way too much money in your pocket. I believe I can help you with both those problems. I will just drain off a big chunk of that change into my own bank account, and during that process you will probably be smartened up considerably. Let's start with the fit. I notice your saddle is too low in front. When is the last time you were fit?"

The Black Widow chirped, "The seat is pitched forward on purpose, because I have an overly sensitive clitoris."

She thought that would end the conversation, but it didn't.

"Well, I was just noticing the handlebars are not correct. Do you have any problems with your hands, neck, shoulders, etc?"

"The rest of my bike is fit ok. I put in over 8,000 miles a year, do a very competitive 36 mile ride with hills just about every week and am pretty comfortable doing it with a 21.5 average. I am 55 years old, and never have any discomfort, so I think the fit is pretty good."

"I was just checking. I have been doing bicycle fittings for 23 years, and have found that not many people do them correctly. If it's been awhile since you've been fit, I have a fit cycle right over here..."

So I jumped in, "Well, actually we get fit all the time. We ride just about every day with Paul Latrine, Serotta's Master Fitter. He put together Serotta's fit school, established a certification program, and gives fitting seminars all over the U.S. and numerous countries off-shore. He is a bit obsessive about proper fit, so he constantly fine tunes our position during rides. He more or less wrote the book on fit."

"Interesting..."

"Do you know Paul?"

"No I don't."

"Well..."

Then we went out for our ride, and got lost on the way, because MapQuest maps are totally useless. The woman at the toll booth said, "Oh, yeah that's the road you want, but there is not an exit for it on this highway. You have to go up to the next exit, about 5 miles, turn around, come back through the toll, go another six miles back the way you came, take another exit then your first right..."

By the time we got to the trail (Sun Coast Trail), we had been watching it for some time, because it runs along the side of the Sun Coast Highway where all this map crap/toll booth shit took place. We were really excited to get going, because it looked like a great place to ride.

We started by going into the wind figuring we could come back with a tail wind. I was working like a dog, but was heartened by seeing that all the little surveyor markers on the chain link fence along the way were blowing into my face. It was very consistent, so I knew that as soon as we turned around, my effort would be rewarded.

However, there was one unexpected problem. Here's the deal.

Have you ever noticed a large wall of wallpaper, and how there may be a floral design on it that at first glance appears to be varied over the entire wall, but on closer inspection you realize it is just a small section of design that is regularly repeated over and over again?

Well, in the graphic design world, that is in fact called a "repeat," and it turns out the Sun Coast Trail is founded on the same principle. You ride a straight section in the open sun for a few hundred yards, curve to the left into some sparse pines, turn back right up a slight incline, left over a marsh bridge with a harder narrower surface (complete with yellow line), then another slight left downhill, and back right onto a straight again. Do it again, and again, and again. The same trees are potted in the same position at each little landscaping break. Pretty soon you feel like a déjà vu would be much less redundant and a considerable relief.

The Black Widow didn't even get the benefit of that much variation, because she quickly thought, "Well, there's nothing to see here," and just focused on my wheel.

Anyway, you get the picture: massively boring repeats into a bare knuckle headwind. Hot burning sun notwithstanding, this is the shit that got us to finally call it quits down here last year, when Mary said, "Let's go home. I don't care if it's 40 fucking below up there, this constant headwind screaming in my ears is driving me batty."

At the first cross road, Mary piped, "Bored enough? Sick enough of that howling wind? We can turn around anytime you like. How far have we gone?"

"Nine miles."

"What?! That's not even my warm-up for The Hump."

Nearing the 15 mile mark I said, "Let's go another half mile and turn around. We are still on a 20 mph average. We'll turn out of the wind, go back easier, and just try to stay over 20."

"We've only gone another half mile?"

Shouting, "No, I said we'll only go another half mile!"

"Sorry, I can't hear anything with this wind. Sounds good to me. Let's at least get to that next overpass."

The first few hundred yards after the turn around were indeed easier. Very nice to have a tail wind. I had just settled in for our quicker, easier return when I felt a little gust hit my left side and wobble me briefly. Another 10 yards and another buffet. Then the wind intervals came closer and closer. Pretty soon I realized the little surveyor flags had turned 180° and were now full on in my face again. It didn't take much more of that for me to throw in the towel and let the Noire-stress pull.

We did find one target, a strong young tri-athlete down in her aero bars whose head snapped helplessly as we blazed past into the wind. But the best part was watching The Black Widow's own head snap when I said, "She's toast. We've only got 8 miles to go."

"What?!"

Then later, "Only 4 miles to go."

"What?!"

"Only 3 to go... 2 to go... 1 and a half to go... "

"What?!... "What?!... "What?!... NOOOO!"

We finished 18.9 (sure would have like to have that 19), and now I can't even see straight.

So that's why there is no Daily Pants left over. It would have taken way too much energy to write. Here's why.

Toward the end of The Daily Pants, Nuclear Dan submitted one of his own, an apparent pre-emptive strike on his own pantsing. There were two problems with his picture.

The first problem was that it was considerably funnier than any we had done, while it stepped on my big punch line that I had been building over the week. This first problem was fixed with the publication of the Grand Paul Finale. Dan's is still funnier, but it can't step all over my punch line.

The second problem is that it is decidedly a triple XXX version pantsing. That makes it hard to decide how to handle it. I had a plan, but the effort of putting it together was going to be way too much for my wind addled, cycle sales accosted, hungry assed self to deal with. Not to mention, we also wasted energy checking out a town north of here to see if we want to winter there next year.

Turns out that place has basically nothing of what is here, except the traffic. I was so disgusted that I snapped, then napped on the couch all evening.

In any case, before I go through the trouble of doing Dan's work justice, we should get a quick read on whether anybody even wants to see it or not.

Paul has already said, "No, it's over the line. Don't do it."

To which I responded, "That's it. Now, we are doing it for sure... and we are saying it is sponsored by Stinkature Silos!"

Be advised, this is no bullshit. The thing is actually disgusting, and not merely implied disgusting as the Finalitas Pantsing. Also be advised it is far funnier than any of the rollovers American Road Cycling just published. SlingShot is the butt of it, which is also a plus.

So you guys make the call. If we get a strong percentage of regular viewers who can't help themselves, but who just NEED to see it, it will be published, along with a little rant on taboos.

Cast your vote in  CHATTER BOX. Just place a comment (Yea or Nea) using your known nom or name, from a known IP#.

No vote will be considered a "No" vote. It will take about a half dozen "Yes" votes to trigger publication.

Otherwise, sorry I was too tired to write anything today. Thank The Black Widow and her special activity plans.

 

03/12½/07


 
 

03/11/07 BETHEL RESULTS

Bob/Mary,

Didn't know if you heard results from yesterday's Bethel Series. Cat 4: In a great team effort Joe Straub in a photo finish got first place, edging out last week's second place finisher by inches. Team DKNY/Stinkature Silos worked hard at holding back the Peloton while Joe broke away. Doug Allen took 12th place, Glenn Babikian 14th place, and George Meyer finished with the field after doing his duty keeping Joe resting at the front.

The rest of the team was really feeling their earlier effort in the Masters race and finished with the Peloton. George Meyer was involved in a nasty crash—no injury to himself, new wheel needed. One rider was seriously injured and sent by ambulance to the hospital.

In a dumb effort to bridge an attack on the last lap of the Cat 5 race Dan McNeilly was happy to see his legs give out on the final hill-climb to the finish. He went from 3rd place to finishing in the middle of the field in a matter of seconds.

Paul Latrine applied the technical term to this well known maneuver. It was a Premature Acceleration.

Palletman Dan McNeilly

 

Editor's Note: Palletman, we did not know that you are one of them woodsman hunter types. Maybe you are a little out of shape from spending so much time in the bush dressed in bright orange and carrying a big hunting rifle.

In any case, you might want to spend the remainder of today staying off the American Road Cycling web site and Googling hunting images instead.

Assemble lots of lots of pictures so you are thoroughly familiar with the look, feel, and details of a wad. Next time don't shoot yours.

You may still shoot yourself in the foot. That's ok.
 

03/12/07


 
 

THE DAILY PANTS

Too short?
Original photo by Paul Latrine, stolen without permission

Here's a special treat!


The above photo is the penultimate in the Daily Pants series. Tomorrow will be the Holocaustic Ad Hominem Metaphysique Top Pick Best In Show Best of Breed Massive Meltdown Spectacular Ultimate Finale of the Daily Pants series.

Tomorrow's installment will lay bare all the artifice which has become part, parcel, and synonymous with the pitiful existence of Paul Latrine. This unfettered exposure of his personal signature will leave no doubt whatsoever regarding the horrid secret he has been hiding from the world under his voluminous shorts.

We don't want to do it, but we feel a deep responsibility to the regular readers of the American Road Cycling web site, and we will take the heat so that others may be informed and cautioned away from a dire situation.

There will be no more Pantsing after that. There probably should not have been any in the first place.

When the last Pants episode is published, the selection above will be relegated to ROLLOVER HEAVEN with the rest of them.
 

03/11/07


 
 

THE DAILY PANTS

I like it, Art. It's just like American Flyers!
Original photo by Paul Latrine, stolen without permission

Dan, we should start dressing like the
old 7-Eleven team. It's all the rage.
 

Everything is pretty straight forward here. Not much to add. Especially considering the revealing Finalitas Pantistravaganza of Paul Latrine is just a couple days away.

Everybody is going to be shocked and dismayed to see what is under Paul's shorts. But after seeing the show, not a single person is likely to be left wondering why Paul is exactly the way that he is, and why he works so hard to hide the heavy hard fact which his shorts obscure.

But that is still a couple days away. Tomorrow we have a special treat provided by Nuclear Dan Buckley. Do not miss it.

In the meantime, in anticipation of the upcoming Paulverizing, you are best advised to put in some more practice looking at rollovers while holding back your spontaneous gut reactions in ROLLOVER HEAVEN.

You'll be glad you did.

 

03/09/07


 
 

THE DAILY PANTS

Don't Miss Rollover Heaven

We are taking a day off from The Daily Pants in order to award Cranky Mary Beth Henderson the prestigious SlingShot Sick-Alike Award. Although there is no monetary aspect to this award, Cranky does receive our thanks for submitting an un-retouched photograph of herself which required no Photoshopping whatsoever.

Congratulations, Cranky!

If that bitch sneezes on me one more time, I'm going to turn her into Mike the Spin Guy!
Given the angle, this photo was probably taken by Cranky's dog,
so we could probably get permission by handing over
a biscuit, but we'd rather steal it, so we did.

In some instances the rhinovirus
can be quite devastating.

BTW: Mary Beth, as flattering as this photo is (your dog did a great job shooting it), you might consider having Twin George snap a portrait photo of you. Here's a sample of George Meyer's photographic work.

The rest of you might like to refresh your memory of how this current photo contest (now completed) began. For context see the SlingShot with Cold photo.

For those who are disappointed in this temporary break from the ongoing pantsing, you might like to take this time to go to rollover heaven.

03/08¾/07

UPDATE: You guys don't know how lucky you are that there's been a backlog in Spandex. Unfortunately, American Road Cycling may have to intervene again. After all, it's for the good of the sport.

03/08½/07


 
 

BLAH, BLAH, QUACK, QUACK: SlingShot just spent the afternoon going through some of the things that DO NOT work anymore, and pages that DO NOT LOOK LIKE THEY DID after he updated his browser. So not only is he totally unaware how things are going to look on other people's computers, he doesn't even know how things are going to look on his own computer. Guess this isn't much of a surprise to many people, but that doesn't make SlingShot feel any better about it. Time for an afternoon ride.

BTW: While he was just checking this page, he noticed that things do in fact still look the same when coming off the server. They are only different on his own computer. Fuck Microsoft again, and again, and again.

03/08/07


 
 

THE DAILY PANTS

Unexpectedly, somebody found it necessary to complain about the new "pants" series.

Although The Black Widow had already spent the whole day preparing the next installments (4 in all, with a big finale using Paul Latrine), we are responding to the complaint immediately, because we take people's concerns very seriously and treat all complaints with the respect and attention they deserve. It is almost as if these people are all SlingShot's sons, or, in this case, SlingShot's daughter.

Here is the e-mail received, and the American Road Cycling prompt resolution.

Slingshot,

I'm writing to COMPLAIN ABOUT THE DAILY PANTSING.

Pants me! It will make my legs look thinner!

Cranky Mary Beth Henderson

No need to complain, Cranky, we agree that your legs do need attention. Though we are sick and tired of seeing SlingShot's sorry state after The Black Widow has smacked him around again for giving them too much attention. Not to mention, as Grant Salter once said under his breathe to his wife (just slightly louder than he planned, and one time only), "Your ass could use a little work too."

Therefore, we performed your requested "pantsing," and found that you were 100% correct. Under your Lycra your legs are significantly thinner than we imagined!

Thank you for allowing us to help you out with this.
 

Bianchi, is that guy behind me looking at my ass? And what do you keep looking at stage left?
Original photo probably by Rich Lawrence (Big Bianchi),
but we don't care. We stole it anyhow.
 

Anybody else wishing to complain is referred to the submittal details on:

OLD NEW'S
 

IN AN UNRELATED STORY: FG has been nominated ex post facto in this year's Granny Awards for the category of Pre-cognitive Self-flagellation, pursuant to his most recent self posted My Personal SlingShot which perfectly matched an earlier Certified Shotting which itself had not yet been written.

In fact the earlier True Shotting was neither written nor posted until several hours later.

FG's award would have been significant had he not already lost the Granny competition to other combatants several days earlier. Next year's pre-cognition submittals should probably be completed prior to the actual competition, but we are just guessing ahead.
 

03/06½/07


 
 

SNOOPERY KUDOS: Kudos to UV71/44 for Googling their way to SlingShot's music site, which is in full languish mode due to all the effort being wasted on American Road Cycling, computer melt-downs, etc.

Enjoy those mp3's. An updated web friendly version of Impulse and Strength was supposed to be posted by Spring, but we'll see. If I don't have to scrub my hard drive and start from scratch again, it may happen.

BTW: Nuclear Dan has the full album on his mp3 player and reports, "I really enjoy your tunes, Bob. I always like music that nobody else likes."

03/05½/07


 
 

RACE RESULTS: Here's what the little birdies are chirping about the 03/04/07 Bethel Spring Series race results.

TP Joe Straub: 1st place in Cat 4, 2nd in Masters, also won a Prime with assist from George Meyer

Twin George Meyer: 4th overall in Cat 4, also 2nd in a field sprint, plus assisted Joe Straub's 1st place finish

Palletman Dan McNeilly: 3rd in Cat 5

Dangerous Dan Sullivan, Doug Allen, Pretty Boy Glen Babikian, and Andreas Runggatscher all served as support crew. These people are all ostensibly members of the Stinkature Silos Race Team, however, it is unclear whether they were racing as such, because they were not wearing the team jerseys.

When asked to comment Poor Latrine stated, "The team clothes aren't here yet. I decided to wait until everybody else gets in shape in order to avoid drawing too much attention to the team by having the jerseys appear at the front of races. Later in the season it will be much easier for these boys to hide in back."

American Road Cycling predicts that Glen Babikian and Andreas Runggatscher will quickly rise above their support positions, because they have names that ring true as International elite cyclists. Their names are hard to spell, and impossible to pronounce. There is no better bench mark for cycling success.

In an unfortunate side note, it appears that Palletman will not be participating as a team rider. When he asked as to the commitment that would be required to be a team member, he was told there are three requisites:

1) No noogies
2) No wedgies
3) And no viewing the American Road Cycling web site

Dan's response was, "You lost me at no noogies."

 

03/04/07

JUST A QUICK THOUGHT: ?

03/03/07


 
 

COMPUTER MONITOR SURVEY: Well, things went pretty much as expected with the computer monitor survey. The Black Widow and SlingShot toured the Tampa Bay area Big Box computer stores and got treated like shit. Plus they were given misleading, or outright wrong, information at almost every opportunity.

One final straw came when a youngster at a Staples, who had only middling computer skills, tried to convince SlingShot that the answer to all his problems was to get a Mac. He looked shocked after he asked SlingShot why he would not even consider wasting his time with a Mac, and was told, "...because they suck!"

When he still would not let go of the subject, but mentioned that Macs are the absolute best thing at whatever it was he thought we were doing, and they were the best because they have much better monitors than PC's, The Black Widow almost clobbered him but only said forcefully, "Forget it. We use both. And the Mac sucks."

The camera we use in the studio scans at 126 mega pixel resolution. Yes, you read correctly, that's 126, not the paltry 12 (just twelve) mega pixel's currently lauded by manufacturers of high end hand held cameras. The pixel count only gives us an accessible comparison, the color provided is just beyond comparison.

Not to mention, the camera was purchased five years ago, so we were far ahead of the curve then, and remain ahead today, and are as shocked as you to find that we are probably going to stay ahead for some time to come. Our camera and system (put together by the same people who put together the same system for the Museum of Modern Art in NYC) cost what a small house and modest property would have cost at the time of purchase, and the monitor we use for studio work is a Barco CRT color proofing monitor which cost over $5,000.

Not that money is itself a determining factor, but sometimes one just has to anti up and pay for shit. We can assure you the Staples' sales guy has never even heard the name Barco.

So we get a little upset when somebody jumps past any conclusions they might derive through asking questions, but try to explain how unfortunately stupid we are. Especially when they follow it up with, "Yeah, I use a PC myself. But I've heard..."

Other smacks against the face came when another sales associate at a CompUSA explained that only the very computer we were standing in front of could be hooked up to their Internet, and their laptops were off-line by technical necessity...  that's just the way they work. This just a day after I was in an Office Depot that had all their laptops online. Plus two years ago this particular CompUSA had every computer in the store hooked up, and that is what had prompted me to put together a comparison test page for the next time we were in FL and had a rainy day off from cycling.

Oh yeah, there was also that person in another Office Depot who told me most of the laptops were hooked up wirelessly to the Internet, but I'd have to check each to see if they were getting a signal. I did, and they didn't.

I will admit that if these numbskulls were working for me, I'd also make damn sure none of them had work time access to the Internet.

And then, right next to that final Office Depot, was the real shocker... which still has me stuttering.

We stopped into a smaller Computer Renaissance store. My thought was, "There isn't going to be anything in this little hippie dippie store (guess I've lived near a Renaissance Fair too long), but here it is, so lets take a look."

When we came in the owner approached us easily and allowed immediately that we could have our way with the laptops lined around a shelf that ran the length of the walls. Yes, they were all online. He cautioned that he was downloading some big files at the moment, so some things might run a little slower till he finished. When I told him I was just doing a monitor survey to make sure my web designs had a slight chance of being seen the way I designed them, he sparked immediately with understanding and said, "Have at 'em."

Then he went back to work and didn't bother us.

Mary was shocked beyond belief. "Wow. He sure was nice. What's up with that?"

I had to think for a moment,  because I too was pretty shocked, but I looked around and realized, "The difference here is that this is a REAL computer store."

And it was.

Best I can tell, Computer Renaissance is a franchise set up to allow people with actual skills to compete with the overpowering promotional advantage and purchasing power afforded to the Big Box stores. They even use the term "Big Box" on their corporate web site as part of their "About Us" explanation.

They sell new, used, refurbished, and store built computers with a focus on service and rational equipment that is suited to purpose. In terms of service, I've never been in a major chain that could compete with the level of expertise provided in this smaller, more focused, slightly out of the way shop.

I looked over an excellent selection of used HP, IBM, Gateway, and Dell computers. You could get a truly useful slightly older Dell laptop (with the emphasis on useful) for only $300. And that includes contact with an actual service person whom other industries might call a wrench. That is to say, you not only buy it, you immediately know somebody who can make sure it works and fix it themselves if it stops working.

I probably don't have to tell any of you people who are accustomed to hanging around the maintenance engineers in the back rooms of bicycle shops just how special this is, but just in case:

I told the owner, Randy Steen, how refreshing it was to be treated like a human, and especially like a human who might know something, and he asked, "The other stores didn't?"

When I briefly mentioned the events above, he remembered that soon after leaving an IT position with a major supplier of networking and computer products, where he worked with Novell, NT, Cisco, etc, he found himself looking for part time work and approached one of the Big Boxes with an offer to come in and help out, but he was told that he didn't have enough experience.

Guess they were looking for somebody who could make a person feel a lot smaller than Randy is capable of doing.

But here's the kicker.

When I asked for a business card and the URL of his web site, he handed me the card but referred me to the corporate franchise web site.

Apparently even top professionals working directly in the computer industry have found true what I have often observed and commented on here. For people who have actual skills or products to sell, the Internet is basically worthless.

In any case, I left the store wanting to run up and down the street and accost random people by screaming, "Do you know what excellence is? Do you know what's in that store, right there? Get in there and learn. " I wanted to start tackling people going into the Office Depot next door and telling them, "Don't even think about it. Get in that little store over there!"

I have been looking for a place like this for some time. There used to be more of them. Now they are rare. For one thing, they can recycle old stuff.

I have given away about two dozen computers that were not anywhere close to being useless, but were just a bit behind my expanding need. The only problem for the people who received them from me was that they came without any support whatsoever.

Here is someone that is almost giving away excellent computers, but who will provide aid and support afterwards. The Black Widow concluded, "Now there's no excuse for anybody to let their kid show up to school without a computer."

When we get back to NY, we are packing up the ton or so of used wires, backup drives, odd connections, SCSI terminators, and such stuff that fills a couple of our closets and shipping it all down to this little shop that might be able to use it. Randy promised that what he can't use, he'll recycle for us.

I may yet live to be rid of all this clutter.

Oh yeah, not that he needs you to know, but here's his contact info:

Computer Renaissance
16008 U.S. 19 North
Clearwater, FL 33764
Phone: 727.532.2005
Fax: 727.538.1640
www.compren.com

And of course Randy is being added to the SPONSORS (NOT) page.

Depending on the weather, SlingShot and The Black Widow are going to San Antonio, FL this morning for the local version of the Hump, complete with hills.

Anybody in NY with a backbone will be hooking up with Toe Clip Guy today for an actual workout. Apparently, Monsieur Clip is getting ready for racing. No, we do not mean dressing up like a racer, but actually racing, so there is likely to be some level of pain involved in riding with him.

DISCLAIMER: Before anybody starts on a rant about what SlingShot has correctly stated about Apple computers, he must admit that there is one aspect of a Mac which is truly over the top excellent and without peer.

They have the best motherfucking television commercials on the planet.
 

03/02/07


 
 

TRAFFIC REPORT UPDATE: Yesterday's statement regarding Tampa area traffic that read in part, "Yellow means floor it. And that is a reality, not a statistic," was once again confirmed later in the morning when SlingShot and The Black Widow went out for their morning constitutional at the dog park.

They saw two vehicles in full draft mode speed up from about 45 to 55 in order to blow across their bow running a red light they'd stopped at. Those two vehicles that bounced and careened through the intersection in front of them were School Buses.

Today the adventure twins are working through a computer monitor survey pursuant to SlingShot's recent big computer melt-down. They will be hitting all the big box computer stores and checking out the Endico.com gamut test (which they put together prior to leaving NY, just for this occasion) to see if a useful summary of the current state of the standard arts can be derived by viewing the test on all computers hooked to the Internet.

This may mean an eventual overhaul of the look and feel of the American Road Cycling site.

Yesterday at an Office Depot only the laptops were connected. Unfortunately, the desktop which had a single computer feeding about two dozen different monitors was disconnected, so their early excitement at "hitting the mother load" was quickly abated. They are hoping for better luck today.

Tests continue and will certainly include a look at the Single Tree Power & Light site.

03/01/07


 
 

PERFECT TIMING: Yesterday, SlingShot had one of the hardest rides of his life. He probably allowed it to happen, because he heard from one of American Road Cycling's spies, who is wintering in Sugar Loaf, that Peetie KaKa has been observed just about every morning riding through town. That means he's still more or less on his routine of last year which netted him 13,000+ miles for the year. This doesn't bode well for SlingShot's aspirations of making it past Ridgebury this year, maybe even to Dog Hill, so he allowed a little more effort than was comfortable.

The extra effort wasn't planned, however, it just sort of worked out that way. The wind was supposed to be coming from the south, which meant the ride would be the 44 mile Gulf Boulevard loop that takes a side trip through Passe Grille, then out around the Fort De Soto Park loop, and back home. That way it'd finish with a tail wind. Work hard out, come back fast.

Unfortunately, although the wind started from the south, it became westerly as soon as the ride turned west, moved around briefly easterly when the ride turned east, and ended with a northerly finale for the long trip home.

Combine those winds of change with SlingShot's only slightly recovered cold, plus 10 days of added weight, and well... it felt exactly like ALL rides used to feel to him. That is to say, unbelievably long, horrible, and grueling, except for the ongoing "I'm takin' your cheese, man!" aspect of fighting through traffic, and holding one's life delicately by the calipers all the while.

The worst part of the ride was when SlingShot realized that whining about it on American Road Cycling would earn him nothing. It was merely another wretchedly humid 80° sun shiny day, with bright blue skies and a gut wrenching 44 mile ride with a  19+ average into the wind, past the big hotels, out and along the beaches of the low treed park, then back through the rush hour traffic. It would only get everybody reading these pages back in snow blown Frigidville, NY all fucking jealous and pissed off.

Who would even care that The Black Widow spent the whole ride remora'd to his wheel napping, and yakking about what a glorious day it was... look out for that car... don't forget to drink... looks like the bridge is up... that's it, I've had it, this is too dangerous... this is fun... look out for that car.

To top it off, The Widow Noire has now become adept at riding in close quarters with automobile traffic. She makes her own jumps and swerves, without the need of SlingShot's prompting. She weaves in and out of big car'd tourists and the dented pickups of the dreaded local Crackers like she owns the road, the universe, and everything in it... and she even enjoys a cheese grater bridge take-over, grabbing the lane, and making traffic wait!

Even when the cars push past and almost rumble the metal mesh of the bridges out from under her tire, she has realized that a car passing at 45 miles an hour, just a foot off your wheel while being squeezed closer to you by oncoming traffic, can be used as a drafting opportunity. Just watch out your pedal doesn't clip the curb an inch to your right.

All this on roads that make 211 in Middletown, or 32 near Woodbury Commons, look like a quiet and quaint country road where traffic clomps along like an Amish octogenarian on Quaaludes. I mean, the rides here start a few blocks from an intersection that hosts 2.5 wrecks per week. And that is a statistic, not a metaphor. Yellow means floor it. And that is a reality, not a statistic.

This place sucks! But there is nobody to complain to (certainly not the cycling misfits back in NY who would probably kill to be here, and maybe be killed if they were here), and nobody to understand how perfectly mistimed the headwinds were yesterday. So SlingShot is just going to remain silent on the subject.

02/28½/07


 
 

NEW WINNER: There has been a bit of an uproar over all the attention that we have given to Turtle Boy. Many are jealous over what they term is, "undeserved attention and undue over promotion." In response we have opened up a new category and already have a winner. Meet:

Birthday cake?! Hand over that couch!
WHALE BOY!
(guess who?)

In a totally unrelated matter: Looks like this year's American Road Cycling contingent at the Farmlands Century will not only be pulled for the entire 100 miles, there is going to be such a draft put up that nobody will even have to pedal. Too bad it's only going to be a 14 mph average.

02/28/07


 
 

RECORD ATTENDANCE: Yesterday, 02/27/07, ATTENDANCE RECORDS show that a record number of viewers browsed the American Road Cycling web site. There were 18 people here (not counting a few IP#'s that have not yet been here the three times required to be assigned a UV#), and this beats the previously recorded "most number of visits in one day" from 02/08/07 which was 16. Generally there are from 12 to 14 luminaries arriving. There has also been some extra activity on the CHATTER BOX recently. I'd bet it's snowing back in NY.

In any case, we are leaving the 02/27/07 installment on the home page one more day, because a certain IP# that we are waiting for has not yet arrived.

02/27/07


 
 

RANDOM E-MAIL

Hello Mary,

Great hearing from you. I'm sorry to hear that Bob has been sick.

Please tell him to stay off the bike as long as possible. That's my advice to get well. Maybe a few months just to make certain there is no relapse. This is doubtless my only chance to level the playing field, seeing that I haven't so much as looked at my bike in over a month.

I'm pleased that the comics made a hit, and was stunned to see that they were published so swiftly. I wish I had his computer savvy, I'm still trying to figure out how to turn mine on.

Keep up the great work with your training, my jealousy is unparalleled. We are one week away from my talk at the OCBC winter meeting. I have between now and then to get whatever Bob has and cancel my appearence.

In other news I decided once I turned over the calendar page to February to start weight-lifting seriously again. So in the absence of any sort of cycling, I'm banished to the Spartan domain that is my basement. Somehow I think cycling is a lot more fun. Spring is a matter of weeks away, though, so there's hope in the air.

Thanks for writing.

Art
 

PS: Saw Rich Lawrence yesterday. He starts radiation soon. He was very "matter of fact" about the whole thing... imagine that?

Editor's Note: If you are still trying to figure out how to turn on your computer, Art, try stroking the little button near the floppy drive slot. That usually works for us, but remember that SlingShot suggests that anyone who really wants to get the best use out of their computer should leave it turned off anyway. In fact, remove it's power plug and toss it in the back of the very next Waste Management truck that passes by.

As for Rich Lawrence being "matter of fact" about his radiation, we would be totally shocked if we had not already received the following:
 

Hello M&B,

Went to New York this past week for a simulation. Had to be one of the best experiences so far. Just think, having a tube stuck in your rear-end and being told not to move for 45 minutes while two beautiful women grab hold of your (to quote Forest Gump) buttocks and position you on a table. Then, best of all, they give you 3 permanent tattoos, so they know where to locate you on the table while everything is downloaded into a computer.

Geeez, I told my son no piercings or tattoos, since I don't have any—now look at me!

Sorry Mary, I'm not showing you my scar, or my piercing, or my tattoos.

Happy Birthday Bob.

PS: I start radiation on March 5th for 5 weeks, 5 days a week, ahhhh.... Lemon cake every day.
 

Take care,
Bianchi
 

Editor's Note: So you see, Art, it's best to leave that computer turned off.
 

In a related matter:

 If I can't adjust it...well...of course I CAN adjust it.
"We were soldiers once...and young"

02/26/07


 
 

Bob,

After reviewing the American Road Racing website for details on your riding adventures in Florida, I think the next time you need a helping pull down the road, we'll just send Mondega out for you.

OOPs, forgot... Mondega has an electric fence !

Your truist of friends
Doug Allen
 

Editor's Note: Guess it must be snowing real hard up in New York. Look what it has blown up under the eaves and flushed out of the woodwork. Or maybe it's just that people like pictures of puppies. But that doesn't clear up our confusion over the fact that we have no record whatsoever of Doug ever having been on the American Road Cycling web site. Maybe that's why he called it American Road Racing. Just to be safe, we better leave Mondega on the home page for one more day.

02/25/07


 
 

Dear Bob,

Mondega is suffering from a combination of depression and frost bite. She has been waiting for you outside.

Mondega loves to see everyone coming back from the Sunday rides, and she gets very excited when you finally finish your ride 1 or 2 hours later, or Mary comes back with you in the back of that big truck totally passed out like road kill. But that's not important.

The problem is Mondega is missing you, she may not make it till Spring.

Please came back !

Humberto (Turtle Boy)


Soon as he leaves I'm gettin' on the couch and eatin' that birthday cake!
Mondega wrapped and waiting.
 

Editor's Note: SlingShot is currently working hard to make sure that next year nobody finds him so fun and easy to beat that they long for him over the winter and put words in their dog's mouths.

02/24/07


 
 

XTREE, XTREE, XTREE...
READ ALL ABOUT IT

NEW ROAD RASH COMICS

THIS IS A THREE PARTER
(Please read all three, and in order)
there's a little navigation bar above each title that links
#40   #41  #42

02/22/07


 
 

MARY GOES BOTH WAYS

Caught on tape live: The latest adventure of The Black Widow. Unfortunately, American Road Cycling cannot be held responsible for the content, impact, and repercussions of widespread distribution of this video. It is only published here as a public service in hopes of sparing others the misfortune of watching it. Please take it upon yourself reveal the ending to all who may listen and help them avoid viewing this wretched spectacle.

REVIEWS

"Not suitable for general consumption." - Times Hinky Record

"Please leave children at home." - The American Council on Time Wasting

"Two thumbs down." - SlamCrank & CaliperGirl

02/19/07


 
 

TIME OFF FOR BAD BEHAVIOR
(back in a week or so)

Of course, things could be a lot worse.
Man, all that Winter Hump stuff sure wore me out.
 

TOUR DE CALIFORNIA RESULTS: Hope you are all getting to watch the early season races. Wouldn't you have to say that Jason Donald was very much torn between joy and horror to realize that he had just finished the Prolog Time Trial in a lowly second place, after the unbeatable time that he set going out 7th (a course record) was not beaten until the very last person, Levi Leipheimer, who beat him by about a second and a half.

Where's the joy you ask?

Well, Liggett and Roll had already started blaming the time keeper for a major mistake, since it looked like nobody (even the greatest of the greats) was going to come close to beating the time that this unknown rookie had posted. Jason wasn't going to get to enjoy first place anyway.

He probably went straight from, "Jeesus, I'm beat," to "Thank god somebody beat me! I'm in no mood to get Landis'd (Lance'd if you must) so fucking early in the season."

In any case, everybody should keep reading the I Love the Winter Hump results below, over and over until our return at the end of this week. Joe gave us sweeter results, in a more interesting race series (The Hump), and without a 72 hour marathon of commercials, recaps, and head shots for an appetizer.

Right now Joe's putting the finishing touches on the list of who gets T-shirts. We'll publish the list on our return.

Later.

02/18/07


 

COLD AND FLU ALERT: Well... I gotta bit of a cold. So there you have it.

02/17½/07


 

BABIKIAN BULLIES WINTER HUMP FIELD
Submission by: TP Joe Straub

It was all Glen Pretty Boy Babikian, all day, at today’s Final Installment of the I Love the Hump Winter Series. Babikian challenged TP Joe Straub and Dan Palletman McNeilly to a drag race finish, then overpowered them both.

Straub seemed to barely respond when, with ½ mile to go on the modified Hump course finish (down Pumpkin Swamp Rd), Babikian shot by.

Straub cited training fatigue [read: "he cracked") for his lack of response to the daring Babikian move. McNeilly was on Babikian’s wheel immediately and was holding a comfortable position until Babikian called upon “the reserves” to finish off McNeilly and take the resounding victory.

Earlier in the race it was also Babikian who had forced the pace up Ridgebury hill, dropping Andreas Runggatscher while McNeilly, Straub and Mike Donnelly responded by, well... by hanging on.

Later in the race it was Babikian again, driving up Dog Hill and putting the field on notice for the second time.

The winning time of 1:362:20 was strong, considering the wind and ice patch conditions encountered by the 6 brave starters. Brand New Bruce, proving once and for all that he is a true cyclist, was once again a strong competitor among the race field.

Final race results and T-Shirt eligibility are under review of the race director and the dissanctioning body, American Road Cycling. American Road Cycling states, "the check is in the mail," but TP Joe says there's no reason not to wait for it to get to NY. In the meantime, contact Joe if you believe you qualify for a T, but fear that for some reason you might be omitted due to something minor like you never showed up for a single race, be sure to speak up. It would be a shame for you to miss out due to a technicality.

Otherwise, if you missed it, you have 49 weeks to get ready for the 2008 version. Here's how.

Editor's note: Nobody is much surprised by Pretty Boy's performance. After all, he's been hanging around TP Joe Straub. Also, a little birdie told us that these final race results have forced that cheap-ass motherfucker Poor Latrine to finally pony up and lodge a request waiver with CRCA in order to grab Babikian, Runggatscher, and McNeilly, adding a little bit of class to his little Race Team. If Poor Latrine could be reached for comment he would say, "Merely the additional spelling fees for Runggatscher alone had put everybody off this previously. But given the Winter Hump results, we really had no choice but to put them under contract. Dem boys is fast. We'll just make them pay for their own stuff to make up for the spelling fees."
 

02/17/07


 
 

SYNCHRONICITY

What do Anna Nicole Smith and SlingShot have in common?

Mother's name: Virgie.

Why should we care?

It answers most of the questions SlingShot had about Anna Nicole, and all the questions the rest of us have about SlingShot.

 

BTW: Today is the last chance for your FREE T-Shirt at the I Love the Hump Winter Series. Don't forget that Palletman has been doing WH specific training.

02/16/07


 
 

LANCE ARMSTRONG UPDATE

The age old question regarding Lance's performance ("Ok, he does all right in the Alps, but how would he do on Ridgebury?") has been answered.

In rerun yesterday, first run the night before, Lance was on the Colbert Report. By the time Stephen was finished with him, Lance was twitching like a nervous bunny rabbit, and could barely be restrained from bolting after the interview.

Now we finally know how Lance would fare on Ridgebury.  The man would not stand a chance. We would gang up on him, start with low level peppering puns, ratchet up the pressure to out and out double entendre, and finish him off under a hail of non sequitur.

Maybe something like, "No you AIN'T retired...not till we SAY you're retired!"

Ridgebury is about more than just speed, strength, and endurance. Of course, if Lance just took off and left everybody before the hill, he'd miss the point.

If you've never been there, here's a little sample.

There was that moment last summer, soon after the front group had turned off Pulaski, when I felt the lactic overload welling up in my legs, and I spurted loudly, "I FEEL WATTS!"

"What?"

"I FEEL WATTAGE!"

[quietly] "Not many."

I have no idea who was just behind me and mumbled that verbal abuse just quietly enough for everybody else to hear clearly. The reason for that is: it could have been anybody. Everybody that ever hits that hill with the group has already proven themselves a rapier wit. Everybody.

From what was shown on Colbert, I'm afraid Mr. Armstrong would be pummeled on Ridgebury.

Lance did, however, prove himself a true champion by making it through the entire interview without actually puking.
 

Editor's Note: We have taken SlingShot's suggestion to republish his phone call to Lance from last month. Let it provide context while SlingShot takes the time to review the above, and try to remember why he ever thought making it to Ridgebury for his ritual dropping was something to be sought after. Click the audio icon at left, if you missed the phone call to Lance.

02/15/07


 
 

FOR THE RECORD: There has been some misunderstanding regarding this:

A number of people apparently believe the photo above is The Black Widow's ass.

SlingShot is all flattered and shit, for people to assume that he can put together a graphic like this in one of the 15 seconds or so, every other day, that he allows for such stuff.

On the other hand, Mary is upset; because, as she says, "The Black Widow's ass sure looks a lot better than that!"

Turtle Boy is all upset; because, as he says, "That ain't MY ass. Why you lookin' at ME like that!? Why you bringing up MY name!?"

In order to clear up the confusion, American Road Cycling is providing photos of the original document from which the image for our original article came:

   

Immediately above are photos of Bicycling Magazine, the March 2007 issue from which the bare butt came. These photos of the magazine were taken this morning on the floor of the Floriduh Training Camp's sunroom, by the Widow herself.

On the left is the cover, and on the right are pages 102-3, which show the ad as found on page 103. Go find the issue at your local newsstand, or in Dr. Art's office, to confirm it for yourself. Really, people. We cannot make this stuff up, try as we might.

We also tried to find a link to show you this online, but the ISM web site is too pitiful for words, and the Bicycling Magazine site looks ok at first glance, but is totally useless otherwise.

You'd expect an advertiser like ISM would not waste their money on a magazine that did not also include the ad on their web site, or at least they would have the common sense to put it on their own web site—in order to tie the promotional campaign into their other offerings.

SlingShot looked and looked and looked, but finally clicked off the ISM site the moment he noted a reference to some saddle "review" on another nonsense web site.

Why don't we all just make up a bunch of bullshit web sites, mention all of our names on each other's sites, pat ourselves on the back, and call it an industry standard.

Maybe all these pitiful sites are allowed to remain as they are because the parties involved are total idiots, imbeciles, or nincompoops. Except, maybe they have all concluded (as SlingShot has correctly done) that the Internet is basically worthless for any serious content, so why bother.

In any case, American Road Cycling apologizes for raising everybody's expectations with the tempting thought that more photos of "The Widow's" ass would be forthcoming. 

To make amends, here is, for your enjoyment: The Black Widow's ass.
 

02/14/07


 
 

TOP SECRET DOCUMENT UNCOVERED


 
Watch it, Dangerous! Don't tap that wheel!

No wonder Palletman has been riding so strong during the I Love the Hump Winter Series. He was doing reconnaissance training and working with his special equipment way back last summer. Some people will do anything to get a FREE T-Shirt.

Obviously this was before the sans shorts training fad.

02/13½/07


 
 

DON'T CRACK IN YOUR SHORTS


 
You know who you are, and you know what you did.

The ad copy above comes from the Bicycling Magazine, March 2007 issue, p. 103. It is used here without permission under the rational assumption that it is a work for hire and Adamo is quite happy to see it repeated as much as possible.

Otherwise, the specific context slant for American Road Cycling suits our own purposes and is none of your business, except maybe for the person who is the butt of our little joke. However, they know who they are, and they know what they did. We are just laughing our shorts off.

IN A TOTALLY UNRELATED STORY: JackRabbit Sports in Manhattan is revising their cycling services and have handed over all current client cycling athletes to Stinkature Silos. American Road Cycling would like to remind all bicycle manufacturers to take a moment and reflect before wrapping your hands around Poor Latrine's neck. You never know when you might wish he was still your distributor.

 

02/13/07


 
 

OFFICIAL PROTEST: Doug Allen was erroneously left off the contestant list for Race results WH #2, so we've given him a special opportunity to whine about it here.

Hey,

It is a special event when you brave those freezing temps, your water bottle comes back with some slush in it, and you feel like a dead person as you realize that Joe just beat the heck out of you.

Tell SlingShot, he better find a way to slow Joe down or there will be no pulling him around OC this year.

Start bringing the 10 lb weights to tie to Joe's waist.

Doug

We totally understand part of Doug's complaint, but not so much the rest of it.

SlingShot commiserates with the slush problem and understands how aggravating it is. He himself loaded up his water bottle with ice on the way out for his Saturday ride, but it had all melted down to slush by the time he got home. So he understands.

As for TP Joe Straub being too fast, we don't really get that part of the complaint. After all, Palletman finished with him. How fast could that be?

A measly 10 or 20 lbs is probably going to make TP mad, not slower, but if it's weights Doug wants, it's weights he'll get. SlingShot is counting on that draft, and Bianchi has administrative duties.

Editor's Note: Brand New Bruce (who was also left out of the original account) reports that he was very happy to see Hump tradition continue. Bruce says, "I love going out for a friendly little ride with those guys, but I was afraid the Winter Series might change things. It was very heartening to see the group waited not even a moment for stragglers."

Riders, next Saturday is your last chance for the FREE T-Shirt. All you have to do is show up for the I Love the Hump Winter Series. Joe has dropped the bar to Local Club level... one ride and you're in.

You listening Nuclear Dan? Do you really want to see Brand New Bruce show up in Harriman next summer wearing something you can't have? Maybe you can roust BLASTER and drag his sorry ass over to Big V with you.

By the way, where's Toe Clip, The  Gapper, The Dropper, Spin Guy, and Terry Bowden in all this? Any girls?

Speaking of girls, Turtle Boy and Mr. "It's so cold my face hurts when I go out for the mail" Poor Latrine are unlikely candidates, but if Doug can do it, well...

 

02/12/07


 
 

HUMBERTO'S VARIATION ON A THEME: Yesterday we published The Black Widow's special birthday gift photo for SlingShot.

Humberto Turtle Boy Cavalheiro wrote:

Hey,

Your web site seems to have a malfunction. I have been clicking on The Black Widow's picture all day, and nothing happens !!!
 

To save Humberto spending another fruitless day looking at the photo while playing with his pointer, we have fixed it. Hover to your heart's content.

 

Birthday's over bucko. Back to reality!
 

SlingShot himself did not waste the day like Turtle Boy. Instead, he availed himself of The Black Widow's kind offer of, "For your birthday, anything you like!"

"Anything?"

"Absolutely anything."

So they did 34 miles on the Pinellas Trail at 17.3, instead of the customary 40 at faster.

Actually, the ride plan was just for slow, but the ride got cut short when somebody warned the happy couple back from a swarm of kids on bikes. It happened near the spot where they almost had a gun pulled on them day before yesterday.

After turning around Mary exclaimed, "Sunday on the Trail sucks. Pretty sad when you start being afraid of kids."

SlingShot reminded her, "The problem with kids is, with a group of them swarming around, you can always be certain somebody is gettin' their wings pulled off, or being boiled with a magnifying glass. Doesn't change much as they get older. They just swap out their tweezers and magnifying glasses for rifles and skinning knives."

SlingShot always did think kids were scary, even when he was one.

 

02/11½/07


 
 

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, FIXED MY BUMPER...


 
Happy birthday, SlingShot. - The Black Widow

 

Editor's Note: Cycling is good for you. Full body workout. No Pilates required.

02/11/07


 
 

RECORD FIELD AT WINTER HUMP SERIES

[as reported by Joe Straub, and mucked-up by Slingshot]

A record field of 9 started the second installment (02/10/07) of the I Love the Hump Winter Series. More forgiving weather played a role in the larger field.

[Actually, American Road Cycling is taking full credit for the major boost in attendance, taken away from the weather, due to our publishing of this ride in about 100 different ways.]

Among the contestants were: Joe Straub, (Race Director), Dan Palletman McNeilly, Dangerous Dan Sullivan, Kevin ShitHead Haley, Glen Pretty Boy Babikian, Mike Donnelly, Mike Maher, and Andreas Runggatscher.

[One of the above Mikes is Mountain Bike Mike, and the other Tri-athlete Mike, but SlingShot is too consistently slow to keep this straight in his head. Also, we believe Andreas rides a grey Bianchi and wears grey tights, but we aren't allowed to mention Bianchi or tights.

If Nuclear Dan Buckley were not pussying out of this series in such a pussified manner, he'd be able to tell us definitively who was who, but he'd still probably be mute on the tights issue, though he might report on the ninth contestant, who we are betting was Toe Clip Guy, or maybe The Gapper, and certainly not Mary Beth, nor Blaster. Plus Doug said he'd rather spend the morning in a warmer basement. Then again, it might have been Peetie Pete Peetie Kaka.]

McNeilly took no chances this week and rode with heavy duty, deep-snow truck tires sewn up with forged titanium snow chains, in order to avoid another two (2) flat ride. When asked if the heavy tires were a hindrance McNeilly replied, “It pales in comparison to the weight I lost this winter.”

[Purging are we, Dan?]

McNeilly’s fitness will make him a constant contender at this year’s Hump.

[At least until SlingShot and The Black Widow return from Floriduh training camp.]

The race began uneventful, and the field held together throughout Ridgebury Road, even after a forceful climb by Glen Pretty Boy Babikian threatened to break things up.

[It has come to our attention that a certain unnamed Race Team has cheaped out and is going to be very sorry they didn't sign this Babikian guy on.]

It was the series of hills at the Camel Farm that finally separated the field.

Straub, McNeilly and Babikian were joined by Dangerous Dan Sullivan for a breakaway from the field which included Kevin ShitHead Haley, Mike Donnelly, Mike Maher, and Andreas Runggatscher.

The quartet of front riders then hammered the pace into the wind putting significant distance on the aforementioned field, which included Kevin ShitHead Haley et al.

McNeilly turned up the heat and got the race going near the end with a forceful attack on the final hill of Pulaski Highway.

[That is "Hard Core Hill," for all you hard core statistics freaks.]

Unfortunately, Babikian was slow to react when Straub jumped to close the gap.

Straub and McNeilly where further aided by a tractor-trailer backing up in the middle of the road, and they just got by before Babikian and Sullivan were forced to slow down and give the driver “directions.”

[Last time something like this happened, Kevin Shithead Haley was there and, "...peoples mothers were mentioned." Good thing Haley has fallen off the pace of late. There could have been Incarceration Grade discussions.]

The tractor-trailer opened a gap that was enough for McNeilly and Straub to race to the finish.

 Joe Straub, Race Director, took the finish in 1:37:15 [Like that's a surprise] a mere bike length ahead of Dan McNeilly.

[Actually, that is a surprise...surprising McNeilly finished in the same County. And that's not just being pointed out because this situation pisses SlingShot off...especially the 21.96 mph avg.]

Next week’s installment will be the final of the 3 week series.

Weather forecast is for “nice" for the 10 am race time time. The FREE T-Shirt is still available for all entrants and the two-race minimum has been removed. Race entry fee is still zero dollars.

[If the trend of lowering the requirement bar for winning the T-Shirt from three (3), to two (2), and now to one (1) race continues, Joe will end up walking over to Nuclear Dan Buckley's house in snow shoes, turning off Dan's television, wrestling him out of his recliner, and wrapping him in the T-shirt himself.]

Editor's Note: Despite the massive increase in this week's attendance—due to the American Road Cycling media blitz and unfettered pile of publicity stunts, we are still not happy with the number of entrants.

We have decided the problem lies in the naming of the series, and are therefore renaming the entire event retroactively.

Forthwith, the I Love the Hump Winter Series is called: The Iditarod®."

We believe a cute name like that might help get people to take their hands out of their cheese curls bags, heave their fat asses up out of their recliners, and show up for a ride.

OF COURSE SOME CORRECTIONS WERE REQUIRED

02/10½/07

WHAT TO DO
WITH STUFF YOU DON'T USE ANYMORE


Photo submitted by: Turtle Boy
Now American Road Cycling's top
investigative photographic reporter.

Bicycle provided by: Paul Latrine
Albeit, at no cost and unbeknownst to himself.

When contacted for comment the bicycle responded, "Paul? Is that you, Paul?... Paul? Paul..."

02/10/07

ADVENTURE IN PARADISE: This morning we will be awaiting a report on today's episode of the ongoing Love the Hump Winter Series and who has qualified for the FREE T-Shirt.

While we are waiting, here is a brief story from Sling's and the Widow's daily 40, yesterday on the Pinellas Trail.

Slingshot recounts:

It was just a little ways from the place the cops stopped us last week with a flyer about how somebody got the shit kicked out of them on the Trail, with a vague description of the suspect (25 or so, such and such), and a warning to be careful.

So we were on notice that this section of the trail might not be: THE BEST AREA. However, I was mildly shocked when we approached a couple of dapper clad yutes (youths), sort of hunched over a little bridge deeply engaged in whatever they were looking at below. I wasn't so much shocked by their focused intensity, or posture, but by the reflex of the younger one—about 13 or 14 years old—when we approached.

As we passed I looked over to nod at them, and the younger fellow flipped a startled glance back at me and at the same time made a furtive gesture with his hand, which my gaze followed down his lower back to the gun tucked tightly into his waistband—which gun he touched.

I was caught off guard, so I merely finished my nod and passed on, continuing my discussion with The Black Widow regarding all the things she was doing wrong on the ride. However, next time I am hoping to be more receptive to this sort of show of respect and respond with the proper protocol.

I know there is a large range of appropriate response, given the multitude of cultural situations in which one may find oneself, and I do not want to be insensitive to anybody in their own home so to speak. Therefore, I have been practicing my courteous response for the next time this happens.

Since I have been chided in the past for my language, I am hoping to pass this by Big Bianchi, in order to make sure I'm practicing the right thing. Also, I want to make sure the wind doesn't muffle my words and cause an unfortunate miscommunication.

I'm thinking, "HEY MOTHERFUCKER, YOU REACH FOR YOUR PIECE AROUND ME AGAIN, AND YOU'LL BE GETTING AN OTTROTT SUPPOSITORY UP YOUR YOUNG LITTLE ASS."

Everybody think that would be ok?
 

Editor's Note: Below is a photo (titled: To Better Days) of SlingShot resting up before yesterday's ride.

 

02/09½/07

TO BETTER DAYS
 
Wish I was on Ridgebury, gettin' my ass kicked!

The Love the Hump Winter Series is ongoing.
Show up for your FREE T-Shirt.

02/09/07


 

CLEETUS ALREETUS ALRIGHTUS

 

Hi Mary,
Please forward this to Slingshot.

Bobby Bones:
Cleetus wants to let you in on a training tip. Forget the Gu's. Put some of these babies in your jersey pocket. Don't worry, we won't tell
Dr. Gulak.
Twin Lynn

Sorry, Lynn. Your e-mail never arrived. Mary is under strict orders to never let the real world encroach on my little cycling fantasy, so she doesn't forward a thing. Doesn't matter, because I'm publishing it anyway, even though I'm probably not allowed to, given © copyright laws, ® intellectual material ownerships, and ¥ that kind of stuff. But that's just how we do things around here.

By the way Lynn, if you or any of your girlfriends (other than Twin George) would like to prove that you're man enough, don't forget about the Love the Hump Winter Series with the FREE T-Shirt. All you gotta do is show up two more Saturdays... pretty easy to do, that is if you're man enough.

Oh yeah, ask Dr. Gulak to loan you a Snickers bar. See what he has to say about that.

Editor's Note: USCF regulations dictate that every time we run a photo of Travis (such as above), we are mandated to repeat our special audio message to him. That is why you will find an audio icon at left. We are required by law to give Cleetus every possible opportunity to hear it again, despite the fact we are not affiliated with, consigned to, nor auspicized by any known or unknown governing body or organization, neither here, there, nor in between. [Apologies to the Crimson King.]

INTERESTING TIDBIT: Review of the ATTENDANCE RECORDS reveals that Twin Lynn has missed only one day so far this month. Oddly, that is the very day in which American Road Cycling Chatter Box received this post to which SlingShot responded accordingly. We are not insinuating anything, we are just saying...it is interesting.
 

02/08/07


 
 

SPECIAL MESSAGE FOR KEVIN HALEY
Go to hell!
Help me...help meee...
And stay there.
 

02/07/07


 
 

DYNASTY


DUDE!

Editor's Note: Note the subtle right handed homage to Dr. Artie Art.
 


The dynasty continues.
 

Almost enough to make us curb our language.

----------------

T-SHIRT UPDATE:

Mary,

Week 1, and 17 hours of training later are done.

Hope to see more people at the Winter Hump week 2. Here is the update for the FREE T-Shirt.

E-mail me your logo/artwork, and I'll add it to the shirt.

Thanks,
Joe

Joe sounds tired. Must be all that putting off training 'til later.

In any case, SlingShot maintains a strict policy of normalizing all work flows. If that term doesn't mean anything to you, it basically means doing something once and using it many times. So instead of merely preparing artwork for Joe, we posted a page of logos so future requests can be referred to: The American Road Cycling Logos Page.

Hmm...seeing Christian with his new bike (above) got me thinking about how old I've gotten. Most of you probably don't realize just how old I am, and so probably won't believe this, but I am so old I can actually remember when Kevin Shithead Haley was fast.

Oops. Guess this site is not ever going to be family oriented. No matter how many kids with new bike photos we post.
 

02/05/07


 
 

FORMER FORMAL COMPLAINT FORM: There has been such an uproar over the lack of process for the ongoing Love the Hump Winter Series, we went back through old files and found our former Formal Complaint Submittal Form. We are still disallowed from publishing related paperwork (fortunately we were allowed to post the related health alert), but our old interactive form below should cover our current troubles regarding the rash of contestations of results for Race 1 in the Love the Hump Winter Series:
 

Just what is your specific problem?

How would you prefer to go fuck yourself?

In the butt  Up the wazoo  Where the sun don't shine    


Why are you still here?

   No, REALLY -->  

 

Editor's Note: Have you seen the "easy" to win FREE T-shirt?


Here's how to win one for yourself.

Editor's: Note the clever reference on the T-shirt to the HEALTH ALERT scuffle.

02/05/07


 
 

CATCH UP BALL: Initial review of the large CC list that accompanied Joe Straub's last e-mail to one of SlingShot's minions left the impression that everybody on ARC would see it via broadcast mail, so it was not published here. A second look revealed that lots of people (those who have better sense than to allow their names on a broadcast list) would miss it. These are people who are very important to us, and they are people who would really like to see Joe's Hump update, because these are people who are always eager to read something about cycling that is better written than SlingShot's daily schmear—if it is not stuffed willy-nilly into their morning e-mail.

So here's the restatement of something some of you have already seen.

NEWS FLASH!!
Straub Takes...Steals....whatever...Week 1.


Joe Straub won the first installment of the Love the Hump Winter Series after the field flatted out twice.

Under a cloud of suspicion, Straub completed the first installment in a time of 1:52:11. There were no other finishers. Kevin Haley and Dan McNeilly DNF'd after flatting twice midway through the race.

"It was the strangest thing," puzzled McNeilly, "Haley and I were following Straub both times when we flatted out."

Haley refused comment, but was overheard discussing the matter with his attorney.

Straub is the race director of the event and has deferred all questions concerning the matter to American Road Cycling, the official "Dissanctioning" body for this event.

McNeilly has questioned the lack of neutral support in an event of this size. "No course marshals, no sag vehicle, no medical attention," exclaimed McNeilly, "Haley and I could of died out there of hypothermia!"

No official protests have been filed as the paperwork is unobtainable from ARC.

Straub has stated that the series rules have changed:

Registration remains open, and cyclists need only complete two of the three races in order to qualify for the FREE T-Shirt.

Registration Fees remain a nominal Zero Dollars, payable in advance, or you may use your somewhat more expensive ARC membership ID as proof of life for your day license.

See you next week! Bring lots of tubes!

Joe Straub
 

Editor's Note: American Road Cycling is restrained from releasing the current paperwork needed to lodge a formal complaint, because we must follow the Standard Pro Doping Guideline, which requires that no test results are published, no explanation of what we are testing for is given, no specifics on the methods of testing are documented, and nobody is allowed to question our decisions.

Anybody who does question us will be immediately termed "Un-American Road Cycling" and left to fry in their own juices. There is good and copious precedent for this, but we see no need to get into that here.

Otherwise, that should settle it. If Joe says he won, he won. In any case, we've never heard of anybody ever beating him anyway. Maybe you should all beg Nuclear Dan Buckley to show up for the next ride. Several times in Harriman, he flatted all our tires on purpose just so we could practice making a race out of fixing them.

Dan says, "A flat is just another opportunity for a new game!"

Submarines fuck people up that way.

BTW: A time of 1:52:11 is only a 19.04 mph average. At that pace, if Louie (formerly: Prince of Pain) had been there, he'd of fixed all your flats, chatted up Julie, had doughnuts and coffee in Pine Island, and still beat Joe. Back in the day, if Louie flatted on a ride the whole fucking ride just stopped and waited for him. That way nobody had to endure the embarrassment of having him catch them afterwards.

Get some CO2 cartridges.

And Joe, quit treating everybody like they're Toe Clip Guy.

BTW: We don't want to place any undue pressure on people to show up to earn their T-Shirt, but did you know that when this series is all over, and all is said and done, that there will be many more Olympic Gold Medals scattered around the world than these special T-shirts. Just think of showing up to your favorite ride next summer with one of these babies on.
 

02/04/07


 
 

SPECIAL SHOPPING OPPORTUNITY: We are delaying the DELETED LINKS UPDATE just a little while longer in order to once again present this once in a lifetime shopping opportunity. As a rule, commercial content is disallowed on the American Road Cycling web site, but this offer is so extraordinary we felt we had to present it again.

Customer feedback has already been received and is copied below.
 


FREE iPod 80GB
with your immediate purchase of the film
"Race to the Flag"

Only $449.00 + tax & shipping
(act now!)

 

The following discussion was intercepted from the Chatter Box.

Jim Amels: Wait a minute. That price is $100 over retail for the iPod alone!

SlingShot: "The retail iPod does not include "Race to the Flag."

Jim: My wife can download "Race to the Flag" from the ARC site for me!

Shot: "But then you don't get the free iPod."

Jim: Ok. I'll take three!

Shot: "Cash or charge?"

Jim: Cash. And "Race to the Flag" comes preinstalled on the iPod?

Shot: "No...the iPod comes sealed in its factory packaging."

Jim: So how do I get the film?!

Shot: "Download it off the site."

Jim: Maybe I should get four.

Shot: "You should. People have birthdays."

Jim: Make it four then!

Shot: "Let me check stock. Hmm...iPods are backordered. Could I interest you in this photo with a free iPhone?"

 

SPECIAL REQUEST: And since we have a moment...

Hi Mary,

Hope you are enjoying yourself in Floriduh. I hope you got sunburned on the beach today. Up here in NY it got up to 25 degrees, with a nice wind chill. You would be interested to know that three brave souls did ride today, but it became a tale of survival. Remember that Jack London story, "To Build a Fire"? It went something like that. At one point they attempted to slay a deer by bludgeoning it with a tire pump. Their plan was to cut it open and take turns warming themselves up in the carcass.

But I can't reveal the names.

Oh, and tell Slingshot he can't publish this email without my permission. He should note it's copyrighted. I heard thru the grapevine that he has a practice of publishing private emails without express written consent. I am of the age to consent, but I don't consent to him.

Twin Lynn
© 2007

No need to mention names. We pretty much know who wasn't there. Otherwise, sounds like one of our poacher friends, Dan Buckley, was there. Must have been a T-shirt on the line. But I don't think the weather had anything to do with the bambi bashing incident. Dan tried the same thing in Harriman last July, but sweat from his dew rag put out his Sterno can.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot the point. Would it be ok if I publish your e-mail above?

- SlingShot
 

HEALTH ALERT: Make sure you wash your hands and don't touch your face after using equipment over at any number of the locations for Straub's Gym. There has been a massive outbreak of Cabin Fever.

Apparently, the virus was spread when Joe Straub and Dr. (Artie) Art Donohue were forced to kiss and make up after a scuffle over whose logo should be largest and on top of the new Love the Hump T-shirts.

Dr. Artie Art, Artie Art Donohue was grappling with TP Joe and had him in a headlock when forced off by one of Joe's bodyguard's heavy handed swat to his shoulder. Artie merely looked around exasperated and whined, "What illegal headlock? I'm just adjusting Joe's attitude."

Later Artie explained, "Of course Peak Performance should appear at the top. I have a dog. And as for the so called 'headlock', Wallace told me to do it."

In a related story: With the money ARC will be saving on our sponsorship, due to the number of T-shirts not required because of all the lazy ass pansy losers who won't show up for the Winter Series, even though the bar has been significantly lowered (only got to show up for two), we are going to put together our own T-Shirt for the spring.

You will not be able to win them, but they will be available for purchase.

Only $449.00 + tax & shipping
(act now!)

Each purchase comes with a free iPod 80GB. This offer good only to owners of Love the Hump T-shirts, their heirs, and assigns.

Sorry, the manufacturer would only release the film negative.
 

02/03/07


 
 

SPECIAL PERSONAL ANNOUNCEMENTS: The DELETED LINKS UPDATE report is delayed in order to provide the following personal messages.

Mike The Spin Guy: You missed this.

Humberto: The section titled EYES ONLY, which is available from the similarly titled button on the CHATTER BOX page, will never contain anything which is not also found on the CHATTER BOX page itself. It is merely a bogus stunt to illustrate how data can be repurposed—and repurposed in an automated manner at that. Which is to say, things may be posted once and used in many different contexts, even without further human intervention.

Since there are numerous lessons to be learned by seeing this happen, I included a few choices on a drop down list of the CHATTER BOX SUBMITTAL FORM which users may select. Two of the choices are "For SlingShot's Eyes Only" and "Super Duper Top Secret." Both choices merely increase the amount of publication, they do not restrict it.

If a user selects either choice, it merely toggles their post onto the EYES ONLY page in addition to the standard post to the CHATTER BOX page. Therefore, you will not find anything new on EYES ONLY which you have not already seen on the CHATTER BOX page. No need to keep checking it.

Two things illustrated by those selections are that one should never think anything one puts on a computer screen is truly private, and never assume that following any given directive will provide the results promised. For example, a pop-up screen may give a choice for "Yes" or "No" plus provide a little "x" in the upper right hand corner which would normally just close the pop-up. However, it is quite easy to make all those choices do exactly the same thing...such as blow up your computer, or something worse.

Therefore, after you have read what's new on the CHATTER BOX, you may stop going on to check EYES ONLY.

You won't miss a thing. It is all the same stuff.

UV44 (a most consistent morning viewer): What the fuck is with the "/ui/bb-icon2.ico"? If that doesn't ring a bell, how about this. UV44, are you using a program called Blackboard?

Send a note about this via the QUERY FORM. There's no need for us to bother anybody else about it. Also, you might include your actual name, so we can stop bothering people with nonsense e-mail in an attempt to figure out who you are.

TO EVERYONE (especially Poor Latrine): We must apologize for yesterday's screw up. We were supposed to run the very same article as the same day last year in honor of Ground Hog Day. Of course, the fact that we screwed up could be construed as us having in fact done exactly the same thing as last year, for it is unlikely we did anything other than screw up on that day as well. Happily, that means we have kept the spirit of the movie if not the letter. So all is well, and we apologize for the needless apology.
 

02/02½/07


 
 

EMERGENCY UPDATE (with an update of its own): Beginning Saturday, February 3rd, 10:00 AM, Joe Straub is leading a February series of the ultra-famous American Road Cycling Hump rides for Race Training. We are currently checking to see if it is ok to publish details. Otherwise, just show up and kick ALL their asses...it is a public road, and none of those losers are all that fast.

Location Map and Cue sheet available at: RIDE CHOICE.

————

Soon after the above was posted, along with the entry in RIDE CHOICE, we received the following e-mail from Joe, in response to our asking permission to publish his ride:

Mary,

It's been very quiet on my Sugar Loaf rides this Winter. I miss being accosted by Bob on Wisner Rd.!

Yes, please post the Hump Series. In fact, I was hoping to have the series "sanctioned" by American Road Cycling. Having the event certified by ARC would lend lots of credibility! I am considering a commemorative T-Shirt to anyone who participates in all 3.

Miss you guys!

Keep ridin'
Joe
 

DISSANCTIONING AUTHORITY

Well, TP Joe sure didn't get the nom 'TP' (That Prick) for nothin'. As you can see from this e-mail he continues to scuttle our best efforts by making it very hard to trash talk him.

However, we are made of sterner stuff than even TP can guess. American Road Cycling must NEVER sanction his little takeover of the Hump; or, as he called it in his original e-mail, the "Love the Hump" ride.

Unfortunately for TP, one of our minions intercepted his little notification and forwarded it to us. So now we have the fine opportunity of not only refusing to sanction it, but we are in fact dissanctioning it. You may have heard of this process before. It is often simply referred to as "dis'ing" something.

Click here for information about: SANCTIONING.

Requirements for sanctioning are rigorous. Things don't just get sanctioned because somebody kisses up to us in an e-mail.

TP's little ride is hereby dissanctioned. That means we don't like it. We don't want it to happen, and we ask that everybody who can possibly show up for it, get over there and make it a miserable, grinding spin grunt for everybody else, especially TP, who deserves it. Kick all their asses. Take every hill for your own. Leave everybody scratching their dew rags in the sprint.

Thank all of you for helping us out here. The ride starts at Big V, 10:00 AM.

Don't you dare miss it. American Road Cycling is counting on you. Remember this event is dissanctioned, thus mandatory.

Make sure you check in with Joe, so he'll have to buy you a T-Shirt at the end of this three part series. Here's the design to date.

E-mail: straubsfitness@optonline.net
 

Location Map and Cue sheet available at: RIDE CHOICE.

Editor's Note: Screw you Joe. Did you really think you could call off SlingSot's attack so easily?

02/02/07


 
 

SPIN GUY BUSTED FOR CHEATING: Mike The Spin Guy Finnegan was recently caught cheating. He logged on (showed up at) American Road Cycling at 43 seconds before midnight 01/30/07, then placed his next hit on the site at 3 minutes and 33 seconds after midnight, on 01/31/07. Doing that upped his score on the ATTENDANCE RECORDS illegitimately—two days for the price of one.

We consider such action as worse than EPO doping. Therefore, Spin Guy is immediately banned from American Road Cycling and can just go on and get out of here. Let him go play with Cranky Mary Beth Henderson for all we care. Or even Kevin Shithead Haley whom nobody likes.

As further punishment, a link to his little OCBC ride photos site has been placed on the RIDE CHOICE pages.

Fuck you, Mike. And take that. Try to live that shit down!

IN A RELATED STORY: FG has been observed coming into the American Road Cycling lobby with a few extra IP# friends. When interrogated he owned up to using an antivirus program which itself acts...well, sort of like a virus. We are currently up to 8 separate IP#'s related to FG. Other less sophisticated tracking techniques, that is to say all others ever seen, would be reporting each of these IP#'s as a unique visitor. That makes FG sort of the opposite of Mike The Spin Guy, because he is not tricking us into giving his own ATTENDANCE RECORDS a boost, but leading us to believe more people are showing up here than actually are. We guess that must be a good thing, because it opens the door for SlingShot to aggrandize the amount of attention being paid to this site. Especially since every time FG starts hanging around, all kinds of weird IP# activity arises. Lots of odd stuff from Canada, etc.

Right now we are experiencing a robot run on hidden folders. Still...we could just say that it's a lot of new viewers, instead of reminding you back to this article.

 

SUBMITTED BY NUCLEAR DAN BUCKLEY


Here, Dan. Let ME help you with that Photoshop layer.
 

Editor's Note: What? Submitted by Nuclear Dan? More likely it is everybody else who will be submitting. We'd better add this to the inciting article.

 

02/01/07


 
 

THE BEST WEB SITE IN THE WORLD: Why is the Single Tree Power & Light web site the BEST WEB SITE IN THE WORLD?

SlingShot explains.

DISCLAIMER: SlingShot does not know who designed the Single Tree site, nor does he have any financial interest whatsoever in seeing it flourish or not. No really...he is not interested in the least. He is only making reference to the site here, and giving it free publicity, because he really, really, really likes it.

First lets get the basics. Click on the screenshot below, and confirm the Single Tree site looks very similar in your own browser.

If the web site you just visited does not look like the screenshot above, stop reading now. None of the rest of this will make any sense at all. Well...you might read the next couple paragraphs.

Big Trouble in River City

An irresolvable problem currently exists for web designers, which is: there is absolutely no fucking way to know what any given web page is going to look like on a visitor's computer. Because of that, the following discussion will make perfect sense to some, sound like gobbledygook mysticism to others, and not even be seen by many others. That is why (above) I provided the Joint Photographic Experts Group (jpg) image of the Single Tree Power & Light web site as it exists at the time of this writing.

If your visit to the site did not reveal a site that looks like the image above, then there are two possible explanations. Either your browser displays it differently, or the site has changed. Actually, I am only guessing how the image above is itself going to appear on your computer. But sometimes, we have to take chances.

In any case, if your browser doesn't show you a similar site to the one above, stop reading now.

A Perfect Solution

The problem regarding screen display is just one of the unbelievably large number of aspects of all web sites that make them totally useless, and a total waste of time for most people who have an actual service, and/or product, and who are successfully engaged in providing it to the public for mere money.

The better news is that the web site linked above shows a perfect example of a web site that, except for the irresolvable issue about screen compatibilities, has elegantly resolved all the inherent problems of web sites, best as I can tell.

The design was constructed using an easy to access basic function of Word for Windows, a rather ubiquitous and widely understood program. That takes care of four problems. It was fast and easy for the web designer to construct (read: cheap), it serves very fast over the Internet, it is easy to change if need be, and a human being (owner of the site) can learn how to make those changes themselves pretty easily.

Don't Confuse Simplicity with Stupidity

Even though this site may look extremely simple, it is very rich and deep indeed. The site provides:

1)   clear representation of the business portrayed
2)   required visitor access to information
3)   a symbol of the success of the Single Tree business
4)   superlative attraction for the proper attention

Here we need some inside information to truly understand the four points made above.

I was first made aware of the site through Ray Mino's submittal of an American Road Cycling membership form. He did not include the web site address, but his e-mail address implied its existence. I abstracted the appropriate address and found his site, and fell in love with it.

Especially after we figured out who Ray is, and Mary said, "Oh, yeah. That makes sense. That's Humberto's father-in-law. He is an electrician...a very expensive electrician."

So there you have it, all you need to know. Specific information regarding the four points made above is easily derived from the "simple" web site. For this site:

1)   is shiny and new, so it represents that the underlying business has itself achieved excellence and can therefore afford a web presence.

2)  allows for the fact that visitor access and information would just be a waste of time for both the business owner and the public. For certain, this business does not need to be dealing with worthless e-mail, and online chatter (they have actual work to do), and they are booked up so far in advance that it would be pointless to give out details about their business online. This obviously further represents the fact that this is an electrician who will actually show up for the job and complete it. Rare indeed. And as for the public who may be interested in prices, etc, "If you need to ask, you can't afford it."

3)   provides a symbolic gesture by a minimal web presence which furthers public understanding that this is somebody who will show up (helped in that by their policy of not wasting time online), and in addition illustrates to the remainder of web presence sales people, who may be trying to sucker Single Tree into extended web design and hosting contracts, that, "No thanks, we already have a web site. Please, let us get back to our work."

4)   superlative attraction for the proper attention is confirmed valid through the mere fact that SlingShot has spoken of the site. Proper attention will always be given.

Summary Suggestion

So there you have it. Perfection in performance. However, I might suggest only a slight change, which will also illustrate how easily changes can be made.

The home page title aligns to the left. I found it just slightly jarring. I believe it would view better, in a large number of the different browsers that are likely to come across it, if it were centered.

See if you agree. I have tweaked the language somewhat for this sample.

SLINGSHOT'S SLIGHTLY IMPROVED VERSION

 

01/31/07


 
 

THE MAKING OF: "RACE TO THE FLAG"
(a documentary)

We have brought back Frank Kwestons to handle this interview. Frank speaks with SlingShot who is the Director, and the Editing Intern, of the by now cult classic "Race to the Flag."

Frank's incisive, no holds barred reporting style (which he used to great effect earlier getting the gritty truth about Miguel Cavalheiro's training magic) is here brought to bear on one of this epoch's most controversial films. When you need to get to the bottom of things, it is best to ask Frank Kwestons.

Frank Kwestons: There has been a lot of debate over the length of "Race to the Flag." Would you like to comment?

SlingShot: "Yes. In many respects it can be said that the final product ran too long, and I have heard the talk. But a considerable amount of incredible footage was cut. However, there was a lot of territory to cover in order to do justice to the topic. Since I knew Flag was going to be a masterwork, I felt the fans of my work would allow me the stretch. Some of them have not complained yet.

[Later this year, or next, SlingShot hopes to release a Director's Cut that will include all the deleted scenes.]

Frank: What was the original premise of the film?

SlingShot: "Mary wanted to take a day off from cycling and work on her other love...driving around in a diesel truck, petting her dog, and talking on the phone. Also, there was a massive cold front coming in over the rain showers, and it was being carried in by a strong north wind. So those are conditions that make it unlikely you'll ever find Mary out on her bike anyway.

I, on the other hand, had no choice. I ride, or I eat.

Since we always try to finish our rides with a tail wind, Mary volunteered to drop me off up at Clearwater, and I was to meet her at the flag in Fort DeSoto Park. It is 28.5 miles, and my goal was to hold a 23+ (maybe a 24) average."

Frank: How did that work out for you?

SlingShot: "Well, not as good as I hoped. The lights and traffic were not kind. Also, there is one extended stretch that is a lot like skiing moguls because of the road buckling. Sand is a lot like black dirt. Plus, there was a lot of blow-back off the big condo's. Lots of turbulence. A couple times I almost got blown over, but I kept going. I just kept thinking how lucky everybody in NY was.

Toward the end of the ride, it almost dipped below 60°, but the sun was out, so I was still fucking hot. I kept thinking how everybody up north must be enjoying their Sunday ride, you know up where it was somewhat cooler."

Frank: But why a race?

SlingShot: "It didn't start out being a race. I was just going out to do pace work. Go easy. A 23+ rest day. But...well, it was Mary...and it was me. I guess things just got out of hand."

Frank: But she was in a truck!

SlingShot: "That is true. However, I try not to dwell on that sort of thing. Of course, my distinct performance advantage, due to my superior talent, is always there, but I try not to let it dictate a ride. I didn't want her to worry about my innate superiority, just do her best, truck or not ."

Frank: There was something very unique in the cinematography. Where did that come from?

SlingShot: "Most of it was a variation on a technique perfected by Poor Latrine. He will ride in front of a group and shoot over his shoulder without looking. During the last year or so he has shot thousands of photos that way. Three (3) of them came out sort of nice; so we decided, in pre-production meetings, that it would be worth a shot to try his technique.

However, Mary took the technique up a notch. Paul only shoots from a bicycle, and only still photos, but Mary risked it all by taking it live to digital. What probably can't be seen from the release version of the movie, is that while she was filming she was also petting her dog, eating a Triple Chocolate Super Duper Big Size deli ice-cream cone, and talking on her cell phone with Latrine who (from San Juan) was stepping her through the shooting process.

I think she was steering the truck with her knees. At least that's what I gathered from all the automobile horns, then sort of confirmed with a glance into the cab. I think my reaction may have made the cut.

Frank: I especially liked the dog, but how did it fit into the conceptual theme?

SlingShot: "Well, first off, it is not a dog. It is a puppy. The dog really had no bearing at all on the film's modus. It is merely a way of cleansing the pallet after enduring the sight of that cyclist.

You see, the thing is, I am a creative genius, so I can grab stuff out of nowhere and it will ring true. Other than that, I am sure there is no context whatsoever for the dog. There really is no rational connection to fit it in with the rest of the film. It is just pure genius."

Frank: Why the sui generis reference to Dr. Art?

SlingShot: "Huh? I have never heard of a Dr. Art. What reference?"

Frank: It seems toward the end of the film, The Black Widow was well on her way to reaching the flag first.

SlingShot: "Oh, no. Not at all. That shot was taken early in the ride and considerably time shifted. She was just enjoying some early ride euphoria. There were many more miles to go. I beat her to the flag by about a minute and a half."

Frank: How did she take that?

SlingShot: "More or less like usual. She had a lot to say about a supposed ten minute head start, then a stopover for diesel fuel with a pee break...plus a draw bridge was up. I told her those things were just the luck of the draw, and I apologized for being stronger, tougher, and prettier than her. But still..."

Frank: Any final thoughts?

SlingShot: "She didn't even want to hear about my flat tire, nor about how I was holding a 23.3 average when I flatted—with just 4 miles to go. She didn't even commiserate when I described the stares of hatred I was getting from all the local "fast" cyclists going the opposite direction. Bunch of jealous whining crybabies."

Frank: What is that odor?

 

01/30/07


 
 

RACE TO THE FLAG

It has been called "SlingShot: the movie." It has been called other things.

SEE THE HORROR!
HEAR THE MADNESS!
BE SHOCKED BY THE TRUTH REVEALED!

Never before has such drama played out on the screen. This newest American Road Cycling production (in conjunction with You Heard It Here First Enterprises, a wholly owned subsidiary of Over the Top Videos, in partnership with Flagrant Promotions) brings you the excitement and unadorned truth of an athlete's insatiable quest for glory, and a place in history, like nothing else ever has.

The very bravest will wish to put their viewer in loop mode.

So, turn ON your computer's sound. Put out the cat. Send the kids to bed. Take the phone off the hook. Cook up some popcorn. Settle in for the greatest thrill ride of your life. This is one big-ass video file, but every frame is worth the download. Sit back with your favorite movie comfort food and enjoy the World Premiere of:


RACE TO THE FLAG

based on a screenplay by Nuclear Dan Buckley
(whose birthday it is today)

Flag photo by Mary Endico, Fort DeSoto Park, FL, 01/28/07


PLEASE
Do not reveal the unexpected ending of this woeful tale to anyone...
especially Kevin ShitHead Haley.

 

See also: THE MAKING OF: "RACE TO THE FLAG"
 

01/29½/07


 
 

BANNED FOR LIFE: Cranky Mary Beth Henderson is forthwith and hereby banned from the American Road Cycling site for life, in perpetuity, and forever for the insurmountable infraction of using "LOL" in an e-mail to The Black Widow.

Sorry, all judgments of the Oversight Committee are final and irreversible, so if any of you find her hanging out around here, treat her just like Kevin Shithead Haley. You have our blessings.

RELATED CHAT

01/29/07


 
 

 Photo by Mary Endico, near Clearwater, FL, 01/28/07
idempotent


Axiom 6:   R | R = R

 

Editor's Note: "|" means "or"

1.     Daum, Berthold. "Modeling Business Objects with Xml Schema". Heidelberg, Germany: Morgan Kaufmann Publishers, 2003. ISBN: 1-55860-816-8, p. 32
 

01/28/07


 
 

MARY v. WORLD



How Twin George sees Mary.
 


How most of the rest of the world sees Mary.
 


How SlingShot sees Mary.


 
Get that fuckin' pointer off me!!!
THE BLACK WIDOW
Do NOT hover your pointer over
this photo and let go of your mouse.

 

LATER (02/01/07)
THE FOLLOWING PHOTO WAS
SUBMITTED BY NUCLEAR DAN BUCKLEY


Here, Dan. Let ME help you with that Photoshop layer.
 

Editor's Note: What? Submitted by Nuclear Dan? More likely it is everybody else who will be submitting. We'd better add this to the inciting article.

Ok, Palletman?

01/27/07


 
 

FROM OUR LEGAL STAFF  

Whee...that tickles!
 
Do NOT hover mouse pointer over the photo above!

Our legal staff has required that we publish the photo above along with heartfelt apologies to Humberto Cavalheiro who was recently referred to on this web site as Turtle Boy and was displayed as the entire whole home page on 01/25/07.

We have also been asked to place a directive that under no circumstances are visitors to the American Road Cycling web site allowed to hover their mouse pointer over Humberto's belly in the photo above.

Thank you for your compliance.

Additionally, in the spirit of true thoroughness and contrition, we are taking it on our own to suggest that nobody ever, never, ever click on: THE ORIGINAL ARTICLE, which is the one that caused all the threats of litigation. We wish to remind people that if they do inadvertently click on: THE ORIGINAL ARTICLE, they should immediately shut their eyes, close down their browsers, and certainly not even begin reading, nor following the associated threads of, the text in: THE ORIGINAL ARTICLE.

Thank you for helping us out of this bind.

SlingShot has left the building. He is out on his bike doing wind sprints in hopes of saving one or two of his nuts.
 


 

Editor's Note: Somebody can tell Humberto that we received his contact form submittal with the address update and corrected zip code, so we will stop sending letter bombs and hate mail (meant for him) to his neighbor by mistake. Good thing they never opened any of it.

Plus, we generally do not accept self-nommed noms, but the one Humberto submitted was perfect enough to be added to his nom list. "Greasy Turtle" is an extension of his current "Turtle Boy" tribulations, and derives from the fact that due to his appearance and status as "gardener" to the rich and famous (Tuxedo), it is customary for local Crackers (not his clients in Tuxedo) to assume he is a "greasy Mexican."

If Humberto ever visits Stinkature Silos in the city, the NYC gumbas assume he is a Puerto Rican. In Miami he is considered Cuban, in the Southwest he is Mexican again, and in Ohio he is that "fuckin' east coast motherfucker in that motherfuckin' rice burner," if not an outright terrorist. In Canada he is considered a baby seal and clubbed accordingly.

We have another friend, an actual Puerto Rican, who reports he is considered a "Spic" when home in NYC, and a "New Yor-Rican" when visiting his family in Puerto Rico, but he was very excited on a visit to London, England to finally be considered an American...a Yank actually, same thing.

In any case, Humberto would probably have to go to Mars to be considered Portuguese, and outside the solar system to be considered human.

But that's not our fault. No need to sue, no need to remove anybody's testicles.
 

01/26/07


 
 


TURTLE BOY ELECTED HOME PAGE

01/25/07


 
 

HORNY?


photo by: Mary Endico Copyright © 2007

You say you got humpy camels? Big deal. Photo above taken Jan. 22, 2007, just outside San Antonio, FL, along the course of one of the hardest rides in the country. Yes, there are hills...hard hills.

"...then one day six riders showed up and were pulling the group along at 33/36 mph. Pretty soon I said, 'That's enough. That's more than enough.' We found out later they were from the Austrian Pro Team..."

     - Glenn Webber, San Antonio Cyclery to SlingShot 2003

Read about this 50 year old Wednesday morning ride written by somebody other than SlingShot:

SlingShot's favorite ever cycling article
"CONFESSIONS OF A HAIRY LEGGED WHEELSUCKER"

(written by an actual writer, not SlingShot)

Associated Local Bike Shop
San Antonio Cyclery

Cue Sheets: | 40 mile | 62 mile |

 

01/24½/07


 
 

SPECIAL FINANCIAL REPORT: American Road Cycling recently cornered a sector of the commodities market by buying up every egg on the planet. SlingShot commented, "You don't need to know why. You'll just be glad we did it." Kevin Shithead Haley could not be reached for comment. Apparently he is sequestered away wading through rooms full of idiotic e-mail. And The Black Widow is busy preparing a eulogy for...well, we can't really say out loud, because there are pulls involved.

[This started here.]

01/24/07


 
 

NOTHIN' NEW: Nothing really new today. Yesterday we did a slow 40 on the Pinellas Trail and were just about to shoot ourselves out of pure boredom when my ass started ringing, and it was Nuclear Dan Buckley calling my cell phone.

Dan was just getting ready to go to Harriman with Franky Panky, who is very serious about racing this year. They leave work early Tuesday's, so they can get out before dark.

We trash talked for awhile, and it was just like being in Harriman, what with both of us trying our best to get information out the other without giving out any of our own. Except it was about 73° and sunny here, and 29° and who knows in Harriman.

The Black Widow decided that she didn't need to get on the phone due to her long history of crashing.

Soon as we hung up with Dan, we immediately phoned Jim The Assassin Amels, another Harriman regular who works with Dan. We told him a bunch of stuff we knew would get immediately back to Dan. Later Jim confirmed he phoned Dan right away.

Last night there was an incredible amount of activity on the web site, and some Unknown Viewer hit the CONTACT FORM, but didn't submit anything, which led me to find out the form was all fucked up and unusable. So I spent a couple hours fixing it.

I almost kept quiet about the fixed CONTACT FORM, because it does not publish submittals in the CHATTER BOX, or ARTIE FACTS, or EYES ONLY. The CONTACT FORM just sends to me, so I figured I'd better not say anything, but then I remembered we've got Kevin Shithead Haley workin' round here.

If anybody takes advantage of the CONTACT FORM's privacy stance in order to send me even the tiniest little bit more of the usual nonsense, I'll just sick Kevin Shithead Haley on them.

Kevin has already threatened to KILL somebody over a text messaging impropriety...

...and we believe him.

01/23½/07


 
 

KEVIN HALEY DEEMED HERO IN THE WAR ON TERROR: Today Kevin Haley received the American Road Cycling Medal of Commendation for his work in the war on terror bull e-mail. Details cannot be elucidated in order to protect the guilty, but take it from us, what Kevin did was above and beyond the call of duty.

Editor's Note: This award is not meant to contravene standard policy which is to look on Kevin Shithead Haley with total dismay and disgust, nor is the Medal of Commendation a mere bauble to be worn at public functions, or to be fingered during private displays. This award is purposed solely to the end of giving credit where due. The medal itself does not even exist in any real sense. That being said, thank you Kevin. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You know what you did.

[Then there was this.]

01/23/07


 
 

SINGLE TREE POWER & LIGHT
DEAR WEBMASTER

(Craig Newell?)

Here is why so many hits on Ray Mino's
site are coming from American Road Cycling

01/22½/07


 
 

ROAD RASH COMICS
(brandie new three (3) part series)
SMELLS LIKE TEAM SPIRIT

01/22/07


 
 

HEY, PALLETMAN: CLICK HERE!

MYSTERY SOLVED: Yesterday (01/21/07),  American Road Cycling ran a POLICY CHANGE which in part mentioned a mysterious new viewer along with a request for information leading to the apprehension of the person who sent them here.

It referred to our newest President, Raymond Mino, who is in fact Humberto Cavalheiro's father-in-law, or as we like to say, "Jen's dad."

Humberto himself did not own up to this referral. However, SlingShot and The Black Widow had a suspicion and went through copies of Humberto's recent e-mails with their vast CC lists. Sure enough, they found Ray then pieced together the rest.

SlingShot himself did a very little detective work, coupled with his own brand of CSI type creative analysis, and came up with the following summary.

The unfortunate roping-in of Mr. Mino was the result of my own inept blunder when I unthinkingly published the following photo of Humberto with associated links. [Most of my original blunder is repeated below, but you may click here for the original.]

Giant American Leatherback Sea Turtle
washed up on Portuguese shores


I like birthday cake too!
(good to see both gloves still at hand)

Photo submitted by: Kevin Shithead Haley
Birthday cake quote by: The Black Widow

The photo above should have provided a wrenching pain in the gut for Humberto, maybe even enough for him to take off his gloves, but it turns out The Giant American Leatherback Sea Turtle is (unbelievably) the National Bird of Portugal.

While those of us in the U.S. admire our American Eagle, the Portuguese look up to The Giant American Leatherback Sea Turtle as the absolute symbol of strength and steadfastness. It represents the penultimate example of physical grace, natural beauty, and athletic performance. It is even maybe found on their penny, or whatever they call it, or not.

Humberto was of course so flattered by the comparison to a sea turtle, he immediately referred the American Road Cycling web site to his father-in-law, who has otherwise never had a single good word to say about Humberto. However, it must be pointed out that Ray did once, and quite rightly, refer to The Black Widow as one of two men he saw cycling near Sugar Loaf, so he is far from an idiot, unless standing beside Humberto.

In light of our new understanding, I take full responsibility for publication of the photo. Kevin Shithead Haley did not submit the photo, and he knew nothing whatsoever about it. If later we find out my detective work is flawed, we will return to our posture of blaming Kevin, as in all other cases.

Happily, all my research did allow me to see Ray Mino's web site which is my absolute favorite web site ever, because it embodies everything that I have been saying about the Internet.

Congratulations, Ray!

- SlingShot

01/20½/07


 
 

HELD OVER TO MAKE SURE EVERYBODY SEES

POLICY CHANGE: The Members list now shows only people who have actually submitted the MEMBERSHIP FORM.

This week two people submitted forms who are relatively unknown to SlingShot, and who may or may not have understood the small cadre of actual respondents whom they were "joining." Since this appears to be a growing trend, it is probably best that we allow the strident language of the MEMBERSHIP FORM to be represented by a closer truth, just in case somebody actually screws up and acts on reliance of the promises presented.

Whomever is close to either Parveen Sangha or Raymond Mino, please turn yourself in by admitting you convinced them that it would be a good idea to fill out a MEMBERSHIP FORM.

Then SlingShot can breathe a little easier, knowing they didn't fill out a form under mistaken expectations. Not that any one of you actually gives a shit.

Otherwise, if your name previously appeared on the list, and is now removed, but you wish it restored, merely mention it in the CHATTER BOX from an IP# known to SlingShot.

Also, the person who submitted the Gore reference to the CHATTER BOX, may have it restored by convincing SlingShot of your actual name associated with the IP# from which you submitted.

So, we've gone from 739 down to 15 members, but that's a stop. Sort of follows the Hit Counter running backwards, don't it?
 

01/20/07


 
 

IMPORTANT ENVIRONMENTAL ALERT: Publication of Mary v. World is being postponed once more in order to bring you the following important environmental alert:

Giant American Leatherback Sea Turtle
washed up on Portuguese shores


I like birthday cake too!
(good to see both gloves still at hand)

Photo submitted by: Kevin Shithead Haley
Birthday cake quote by: The Black Widow

Editor's Note: SlingShot is emphatic about not being involved in this matter in any way what so ever. Next summer, on Heart Attack Hill or similar, he hopes that Humberto will have long forgotten this incident, or at minimum will remember SlingShot was not involved in the least. Plus, SlingShot never ever never said that Humberto was washed up. Blame it on Kevin, just like everything else. This vitriolic attack probably stems from last summer when it was rumored that Kevin was carrying The Black Widow's two headed love child, but it turned out he had merely been around the birthday cake again and wasn't even pregnant. Once again, blame Kevin, not SlingShot. Especially if Kevin says he's never heard of this. SlingShot is in-o-cent...and feeling rather slim.

[Follow-up above.]

01/19/07


 
 

CAFU: Publication of Mary v. World cannot but be delayed due to a technical glitch which caught Palletman first, then snared several others before SlingShot got back from the RV Show and fixed it, sort of. Read SlingShot's comments regarding Palletman's Chatter Box entry linked below:

COMPUTERS ARE FUCKED UP
(be aware that what Palletman tried was done correctly)

TOE CLIP GUY: Toe Clip Guy should take another look at the link above, because SlingShot was still editing it when he saw it last night.

 

The 01/18/07 installment of Today in American Road Cycling has been held over below due to popular demand.

01/18/07


 
 

SLING GETS SCOOPED: Publication of SlingShot's Special Winter Sports Drink was scheduled for just one more delay in order for us to provide SCUBA LESSONS FOR ARTISIMUS DORSI, but somebody broke down the doors and got something passed up through the various committees to land on SlingShot's desk. SlingShot hates shit on his desk so...

 

Hi Mary,

Too bad it wasn't one of those Navy boyz that was looking at you funny on the trail today. I'll take one of those looks any day.

Hey, could you please pass this on to your worser half?

Thanks
Lynn

Sling Gets Scooped

SlingSnot, you took too long to publish your story on your sports drink. Here's the real story on the biggest breakthrough in sports nutrition.

Purina One: Large Breed Formula.

Yup, that's right. Purely by coincidence, Cleetus has discovered that the best way to fuel his tank before a long winter ride is a big heaping bowl of Purina One: Large Breed Formula, topped off with organic whole milk. It's got the perfect balance of carb, protein, fat, and crude fiber. Plus, he doesn't have to bother brushing his teeth before taking off on his bike.

Here's some pics of Cleetus chowing down at breakfast. And if the dog looks pissed-off in these photos, it's because he is.



 

Editor's Note: The cute puppy doesn't look pissed-off so much as disappointed that Lynn did the cookin' again.

Editor's 2nd Note: Oh yeah...smarty pants Lynn. Think you got the real scoop? Here's SlingShot's entry:

 

SLINGSHOT'S SPECIAL
WINTER SPORTS DRINK

 
Don't try this at home!

The Black Widow caught site of these two bottles sitting next to each other as SlingShot was leaving for his daily ride just before their December departure to Florida 2006. We especially like the close up detail of the water bottle slogan.

Shot's ass has not froze up all winter.
 

01/17/07


 
 

YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE THERE: Publication of SlingShot's Special Winter Sports Drink is once again being delayed until tomorrow (now listen, if we get one more e-mail complaining about the delays, we won't even publish it at all, so just quit whining), because the following public service announcements are clearly more important.

New member: Somebody else fucked up and sent in a MEMBERSHIP FORM.

So everybody welcome new President, Parveen Sangha.

Parveen states she heard about American Road Cycling through OCBC, so whomever over at OCBC has been screwing up peoples' lives by referring them to this web site just better quit it. If we had time to hack Yahoo mail in order to find out who sent her the link, we'd fill up their own Inbox with worthless crap.

SlingShot believes he recalls speaking with Parveen at the OCBC Wednesday Night Time Trials maybe five years ago. He says she certainly deserves better than this. At the time of their meeting, Parveen appeared to have a life, working in the health care industry. Therefore, somebody better apologize to her for getting her involved in this nonsense. Run, Parveen, run now. Don't make eye contact and just back away slowly at first. Then don't get on your bike, or we'll chase you down.

Link  Omission:  Upon copy/pasting Parveen's info into the local database, SlingShot realized he had previously forgotten to paste the submittal from Mike (The Spin Guy) Finnegan. While doing so he noted Mike had provided a web link, so the omitted link is back there with his name. It takes you to a bunch of ride photos of OCBC, along with examples of the worst looking, and most unreadable computer fonts on the planet. Well, probably they look ok on Mike's computer, because SlingShot is fully aware that American Road Cycling looks pretty good on his own computer, but looks like total dog crap on Big Bianchi's home computer. That is just the Internet. Go look at the photos.

You didn't want to be there (ARC PSA):  In the continuing saga of Florida (State) trailside tragedy and horrors, yesterday along the Fort De Soto Park trail a cyclist looked at The Black Widow funny.

You didn't want to be there...and neither did Parveen.

Oh, yeah: Kevin Shithead Haley
 

01/16/07


 
 

PERSONAL BEST BREAKING NEWS: Slingshot's Special Winter Sports Drink article is being postponed for the second day in a row (still no whining) in order to offer the following helpful advice.

Yesterday afternoon, SlingShot was in the midst of pulling for another personal best (on a different course, and not the most recently reported HUMPUS INTERRUPTUS) when PB tragedy struck once more.

No specific details regarding typical speeds will be reported, because Kevin Shithead Haley will certainly make use of the information to fuck with SlingShot this summer. However, at the turn around, SlingShot looked down at his trip computer and thought, "Great! 20.5 average so far, and now we start the tail wind." He did not think, "I am freakin' peakin'," because he is an idiot, incapable of realizing danger and taking steps to avoid overtraining. Instead, he immediately had a flat and started spewing words that The Black Widow obviously found highly offensive...even though not a single soul was remotely within ear shot.

So there you have it.

Three weeks in Florida, and three flats. How lovely is that?

Sitting on the park bench just out of the soupy warm 82° sun, while juggling tire irons and inner tubes, SlingShot thought how sad it was that Toe Clip Guy wasn't around with his newly acquired flat-changing skills. He could have nodded and passed on by, just like SlingShot did to him last year on the hill by Soon's Orchard.

A little while after the flat, Bob and Mary were passing a group sprawled all over a short little flat bridge which was entranced by several of those orange striped white barrier posts (like the one Mary hit last year), and The Black Widow shouts, "On your left. Stay right. Don't move. Stay right there."

The lady in charge retorted passive aggressively, "Thank you. We were staying right."

To which Mary comments to SlingShot, "Yeah, and the moment before, that little bitch was doing spins around the barrier post."

Here's a hint. If you are ever preparing a picture dictionary, be sure to place beside your entry for "little bitch" a photo of a golden locked six-year-old spinning roller skate pirouettes in a sundress.

So there you have it.

Once again, American Road Cycling is happy to have been of service.

01/15/07


 
 

EARLY BREAKING NEWS: Slingshot's Special Winter Sports Drink article is being postponed till tomorrow (no whining) in order for us to deal with the following matter.

Yesterday evening, American Road Cycling received information implicating UV45 as being Mike the Spin Guy.

What happened was that somebody claimed on being him in the CHATTER BOX, and at the same time submitted a  MEMBERSHIP FORM, thus joining (irremediably) American Road Cycling in the capacity of an Official Member thus President.

Six other people have previously made this same mistake as did whomever. For readers who may not know, Official Membership is a slightly lower designation than that afforded to the vast majority of persons who are members unbeknownst to themselves.

For the time being, despite the possibility (probability) of subterfuge, American Road Cycling is allowing to stand our belief that this is in fact the authentic Mike the Spin Guy, because we had already decided the IP# used for this submittal probably belonged to Mary Beth. All those girls look alike to us.

Unfortunately, if Mike the Spin Guy (whomever), thinks that by joining American Road Cycling, he will be able to save himself from the horrific reputation as a Poker that he currently enjoys over on the OCBC web site (earned through his unending stream of dreary after dismal posts), he should be advised that writing something in the CHATTER BOX only reinforces the impression that he has not a life, nor an inclination to acquire one.

Everybody please help us figure out who this is, by showing up for Mike's spin classes, and then laughing at him for breathing so hard. Do it every week please.

In a related matter, SlingShot has now retired, because whomever it was that posted that last little morsel in the BOX also wrote their own My Personal SlingShot entry.

The smack resounded so forcefully that it out shat the Shot. Not only could SlingShot never do better himself, he would not even know where to start trying. He quits.
 

Editors Note: SlingShot is spending his new found free time conducting a careful review of the video footage from the HUMPUS INTERRUPTUS episode, hoping to confirm if in fact the recumbent mentioned might not have actually been a wheelchair. It only makes sense that it was.
 

01/14½/07


 
 

HOLY SHIT: We think we just saw "The Cardinal" Robb Daly (former OCBC President) on Orange County Choppers. Can anybody confirm this? Even if you can, we are still going to say you heard it here first.

01/14/07


 
 

HUMPUS INTERRUPTUS

"Well, fuck you...just, FUCK YOUUU!"

It was the last thing I said to the asshole on a recumbent who was climbing slow in front of us. What a brutal bridge, and when we had signaled, "On your left," and then, "Move right," he just shouted back, "I AM on the right!"

Of course...it was impossible for him to move over any further, because he was butt up against an impenetrable barrier. Right there, on the bridge, pretty as you please, plain as day, and right where you could see it, somebody had painted a WHITE LINE.

What did I expect him to do?

I expected him to move over another foot, so we wouldn't get creamed by the cyclist hammering the downhill coming the opposite direction. He chose to educate me instead, "That's the walking lane." To which I responded, "Oh, good for you. You know ALL  the rules." At which point he added, "Besides, it's single file."

It reminded me of last summer when I threw a body block into a car that was pulling into the Saturday morning group as they were turning onto Cross Road, but the driver couldn't wait the 7 or eleven seconds it would take for the group to pass. I yelled at the driver to just stop and wait. Somebody on the ride excused the drivers actions by taking the opportunity to instruct me on the proper use of yellow lines. Really, rules are one thing, but extant real world irreversible danger is another.

So I was forced to explain it once more, this time to a recumbent chucklehead, in the only way he wouldn't understand, "Well, fuck you...just, FUCK YOUU!"

Of course, by then, we were past him and off to finish the remainder of our personal best. That recumbent jerk had no idea we were being absolutely as nice as we possibly could.

Just moments before, we had come to a screeching slow down at the crossing of a four lane Florida raceway (the locals call them streets), where two other cyclists were standing in hopes of a break in the traffic, so they could hurry over into the little oasis of dead squirrels and car crash debris that breaks the four lanes into two iterations of two. There's just enough room in that crossing area to stick a bike at a slight angle while you wait for a break in the next two commuter crazed car lanes.

We had stuttered to an almost stop, but the black widow dashed past the standing cyclists, through a brief opening in the "this side" traffic, and did a track stand in the oasis, while I jumped toward the middle and meandered against traffic till the last drunken red-necked cracker asshole finished gunning his pick-up truck past us.

Yes, that's right. They hate cyclists (and health-nut rail trails), so you often hear their engines rev faster as they try to clip you into another life. After all, they have to get to the beer joint before Noon, or they might turn into a human.

Sounds like the Hump that you know, don't it.

Back on the move The Black Widow said (of the two waiting cyclists), "Guess they just got a little glimpse of NYC Bike Messenger style racing."

In case you need a review at this point, here is a link to the race video you've already seen, but would really like to see again.

We were on a personal best 40 mile loop: 19.2 mph avg.

That doesn't sound like much, especially since we don't do the whole 40 miles at pace, just our race loop portion which is Hump length.

We call it The Humpus Interruptus—a term stolen from Dangerous Dan's description of The Black Widow's habit of bailing out of the Hump after Tetz.

Our little Humpus Interruptus runs the Pinellas Trail beginning near Walsingham Park, goes up to Clearwater, flips around, then down to Saint Petersburg and back.

It includes 57 cross roads (as described) and 16 sprint bridges. Now, think about that 19.2 average again.

It is a Hump where you have to stop every half mile or so, sprint back up to pace, all the while fighting through trail traffic—like this recumbent nincompoop, or better yet legions of three year olds looking over their opposite shoulder at the sound of your voice and drifting contra their direction of view, directly into your line of approach.

But please be aware that, by my mentioning the standard actions of these baby cyclists, I in no way wish to deny props to the multitude of teenage skateboarders who take turns using the bridges to blast and teeter their only chance of a downhill, or are constantly on a swerve all over the trail everywhere else, then freak out and spew their skateboards every which way in front of us whenever we mention our presence.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot: BARKING DOGS ON LONG LEASHES.

I won't even tell you what pace we are required to hold in-between obstacles, because Kevin Shithead Haley would just use it against me next summer ("Hmm... SlingShot can hold ??.? mph. If I just push the pace here another tenth mph, he'll blow, and I'm home free."), but I will in fact point out 40 miles, 57 death defying cross roads, 16 bridge sprints, oodles and oodles of oblivious trail-tourist traffic, constant repeats of down to zero and back up to pace, constant gusting wind, then yesterday: a 19.2 personal best.

What did that recumbent retrograde expect?

I AM FREAKIN' PEAKIN'!

01/13/07


 
 

MIGUEL'S TRAINING CORNER
(based on the screen play by Dangerous Dan Sullivan)

Renowned American Road Cycling phenom, Miguel Cavalheiro was recently interviewed by our competition reporter, Frank Kwestons. Frank sat down with Miguel over some performance jelly beans to get his thoughts on training methods, nutrition, performance doping, and life in general. It is one of the most articulate and coherent accounts of cycling performance we have heard from an Elite cyclist.

Frank Kwestons: Technically, do you alter your riding style when attempting personal bests?

Miguel Cavalheiro: "I like to push the pedals."

Frank: What changes in your training meals do you make just before race day. Do you like to carb up, use sport drink supplements... that sort of thing?

Miguel: "I like birthday cake."

Frank: Is today your birthday?

Miguel: "No. I like birthday cake. Where is the puppy?"

Frank: What do you most remember about racing.

Miguel: "I fall down, go boom. Where is the puppy?"

Frank: Can you offer any advice on securing sponsorships?

Miguel: "SlingShot's shirt is funny."

Frank: So you like SlingShot.

Miguel: "No." [Shivers and shakes head.]

Frank: Miguel...over here. What are you thinking?

Miguel: "I like birthday cake...jelly bean?"
 

This episode of American Road Cycling not brought to you by:
Entenmann's nor Jelly Bellies

01/12/07


 
 

ON THE PHONE WITH LANCE ARMSTRONG
Kevin Haley is mentioned.

01/11/07


 
 

SLINGSHOT'S TRAINING POINTER


 

01/10½/07

 
 

SPECIAL REQUEST GRANTED: Today we found out Jim Amels is UV59. On hearing this news, Jim became rather upset realizing that, if he'd just held off getting a computer a little longer, he could have been UV69. In order to keep Jim from whining about this for the next upteen bajillion rides, we are awarding him the coveted number of UV69...just as if he'd earned it. He may now hang it on his wall...just as if he'd shot it.
 

01/10/07


 
 

BIG BIANCHI'S FINANCIAL PLANNING GUIDE
(Paul, you are not mentioned. Close your browser, and leave for work.)

From: Big Bianchi
To: The Black Widow

Hello ME and TB (Thin Boob),

I have been suffering from the thought that you and Bob will not be over for at least three months, so I bought the entire supply of Ben and Jerry's Fossil Fuel in hopes you may come back sooner. [Explaining why we can't find any of this ice cream after having it over at Bianchi's near Xmas.]

Even Dr. Art is beside himself. When he comes over, he just takes a chair and sits in front of my china closet and stares at that carburetor. [Dr. Artie Art, Artie Art Donohue would even stand closer to himself if he knew that ARC recently enjoyed a visitor arriving from a Google search with the words: 7-Eleven, Serotta, and Huffy.]

I underwent the 4p's as I call them (Probed, Prodded, Poked and Pierced) on the Friday before Christmas, and again the Tuesday after Christmas. Yesterday, I spoke to Dr. Martz who said all tests showed no signs. I was referred to a radiologist and will discuss radiation and chemo. If I lose my hair I'll be even lighter.

I have been on vacation for two weeks so this is why the morning times on ARC. [Which SlingShot caught him on, and called him on.]

Last week I rode 100 miles outside and started with weights again, along with the spin bike.  [Which gives all interested a little statistical information to help with your own training for kicking Bianchi's ass, plus reminds us that tomorrow SlingShot will post his own most recent training pointer.]

Fossil Fuel $2.46
One slice of lemon cake $2.50
Friends like you..........priceless

          Take care,
          Maybe soon to be bald,
          Bianchi

Editor's Note: Most of the above is totally without merit, though it may provide some questions answered for the few of you who may actually give a shit about Bianchi. However, the real reason Bianchi's note is being published here, is because (in the final paragraph) he has stumbled upon a sure fire way to jet from rags to riches.

The careful reader will notice that an inordinate sum of cash is being saved by Bianchi. He points out that friends like us are "priceless," which obviously gives him the clear advantage of not only avoiding all fees for our own favors, he never has to spend a penny on enemies. Considerable savings indeed.

BTW: Mary is calmer now, but it took some explaining to get her to understand that the "TB (Thin Boob)" in the opening of this e-mail is a reference to my current body weight, not to her left titty.
 

01/09¾/07


 
 

WELL, YOU'VE ALL FINALLY GOT YOUR WAY


"The Widow made me do it!"

01/09½/07


 
 

HUMP REPORT: The following was in this morning's e-mail, but should have been found two days ago. Microsoft Outlook is pretty much useless. I'm going back to AOL direct. Here is last Saturday's Hump report.

Hi Bob:

It rained all night, and there was a chance of showers Saturday morning.

Despite the forecast, I decided to show up for “The Hump.” Hey, how often do you get sixty degree weather here in January. Anyway, there were a few “B” riders there, and a couple of Pokers. Only two “AA” riders showed up—Triathlete Mike, and a Skylands dude named Andréas.

We left the parking lot in one big group. I figured it would be an easy ride because the “B” riders were with us. I was out in front and made the right onto Pumpkin Swamp. Halfway to the next turn I looked back and realized the only people with me were the two “AA” riders.

I was apprehensive about riding with these guys, and I let them know that. They assured me they were going easy today. I knew then and there I was in big trouble. I’ve been around this sport long enough to know what happens when you get a group of more than one competitive cyclist together.

The ride started out easy enough, but at the first decent climb the competition began. I was having no problem staying with these guys, but I knew I wouldn’t last long at this pace. Every climb was a race to the top. When we got to the hill near Soon's Orchard, the luck of the rotation put me in front.

I pulled the entire hill. I knew it was over, though, because the dreaded “Ridge-berry” was just around the next turn.

Needless to say I got dropped. It took me all the way to the next downhill to catch them, and they were soft peddling. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse (what with my legs being fried, and me being stuck with these two guys trying to kill each other), it started raining.

I spent the remainder of the ride sucking wheel and sucking wind.

Hey, there is an advantage to sucking wheel in the rain: you get to drink from the “rooster tail” splashing in your face from the rider's tire in front of you. I told the guys if they dropped me again not to wait, but to my disappointment they said, “Really...it is no trouble at all.”

“Damn,” they weren’t letting me off the hook that easy. The suffering continued to the end of the ride. Back at the parking lot we were all soaked, and I was shot.

“Great ride” I said. It’s funny how quickly the pain and suffering is forgotten. (Or is that why we do this?)

Alrightythan
db

Editor's Note to Self: In the Spring, be sure to kick Dan Buckley's ass. He appears to be in need of it. Plus, he has begun to believe that there is luck involved in the rotation of the pull. Nice job to Tri-Mike and Andréas.

01/09/07


 
 

ATTENDANCE DETAILS (The update promised with yesterday's AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING GOES VIRAL):

American Road Cycling spares no expense to track who is what and where on American Road Cycling. Since nobody is required to "log in," reviews of raw web log files have to be laboriously compiled by an actual human being. Well, SlingShot really, so not so much human as a somewhat reasonable facsimile.

SlingShot uses a carefully constructed process of magic and science.

The science was explained last year in the WEB LOGS STUDY SUMMARY.

The state of the magic today relies heavily on SlingShot's own intuition, such as currently he is mystified by this UV44 who first appeared to be Zirra, but is now considered to be Mike The Spin Guy. The type of logic applied to this problem is best understood by taking a look at another mystery in the Attendance Records for January 2007.

Note how the punch card for Toe Clip Guy (5th row down) shows a 4 day gap (2nd thru 5th), which is very precisely tracked by the appearance and disappearance of the 12th row person (Lugie Angel?) who is therefore called into question.

It is possible that Toe Clip Guy was here under the guise of a different IP# for those days. We would need more data to confirm this, but will never get it. We got lucky with the old Zirra in Hawaii incident which is now copied on every page of the attendance records.  [Editor's Note: sometime after this article was posted, Toe Clip actually did confirm it was in fact him.]

In any case, in addition to more than 60 viewers now being tracked in this way, there are numerous others who have appeared less than the required 3 times, exhibit a clearly human (not robot) browsing style, and come each time from the same IP#.

Additional aggravation comes from dial-up access and AOL, because the two access methods provide viewers with a new IP# on each connection, plus AOL shifts IP#'s throughout a single session. Fuck-em.

To add insult to these injuries, bots are getting ever better at looking like humans in order to avoid having web masters block them from stealing bandwidth and content. Robots probably comprise 99.9% of all of the "unique visitors" that web site owners are typically told are viewing their sites—via the best automated reports.

Hmm...automated reports over stating the number of web site visitors. Looks like the bots are looking out for the bots.

I can state all this right out loud, because I don't get paid for Internet nonsense. And if you think this is all very boring stuff, you should only guess how SlingShot feels about it.

01/08/07


 
 

AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING GOES VIRAL: For the few of you who may not know, "going viral" is the new Internet buzzword for a page, video, or element achieving such mass attention worldwide, therefore appearing on so many different computers, that it has in effect taken on the aspect of a self replicating computer virus. In other words, it is everywhere, and it can't be stopped.

 Attendance is up, and this week American Road Cycling went viral!

This is probably due to all the new audio stuff which allows people to download their copies, put it on their iPods, and go off to the Hump with it.

As for the particulars, it happened like this. Previously American Road Cycling had maybe 3 or 4 regular viewers. However, with the new audio, we now enjoy almost (and I say this without boasting), almost a half dozen viewers. Statistically that is an increase of, well, A LOT!

Take a look at the newest records.

01/07/07


 

The incredible uproar over SlingShot's audio message to Travis, has forced him to provide the following apology and explanation:

RESPONSE TO FALLOUT FROM
YESTERDAY'S AUDIO MESSAGE FOR TRAVIS

 

01/06/07


 

FINALLY!

SPECIAL AUDIO MESSAGE FOR TRAVIS

Just in case you don't know Travis, here he is.

01/05/07


 

The anxiously awaited SPECIAL AUDIO MESSAGE FOR TRAVIS has been delayed until tomorrow in order to repeat yesterday's SPECIAL LATE BREAKING NEWS with a quote from Poor Latrine.

01/04¾/07


 

SPECIAL LATE BREAKING NEWS: For those of you who may have missed these photos (though the CC list read like the Manhattan phone book), here is a picture of Dangerous Dan Sullivan smiling. Obviously, this is before he took out his PDA with scientific calculator and made a spreadsheet comparison of watts vs. weight vs. slope vs. acceleration vs. the Ridgebury problem.

These photos from Humberto Cavalheiro were accompanied only by the following cryptic message:
 

Miguel Cavalheiro 21.00 miles---46:00 minutes
Dan Sullivan 21.00 miles--1:46:00
George DNF



Smile while  you can, boys. Smile while you can.

On being contacted for comment, Poor Latrine said of these photos:

"It was one of the more interesting fittings I have ever done. I already had Humberto's measurements in the database, so I knew I was already in the ballpark. I had to do some tweaking after Miguel was in motion under whatever pressure Dan and George could apply, but at that point it was all rather straight forward. I really was thankful for the fit cycle. And after careful review of the Computrainer data, I am also really thankful that I gave up cycling last year."

MIGUEL FANS CLICK HERE FOR MORE MIGUEL

01/04½/07


 

TO UV52: The broken link to the archived page with Paul's photo has been restored. Sorry for the dead end from (your own?) mail. Here's that broken link, now fixed:

http://www.americanroadcycling.org/indexArchive.htm

01/04/07


 

AS PREDICTED: Yesterday's TOMORROW IN AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING promised that today's American Road Cycling would include a report of SlingShot receiving his comeuppance for beating all The Black Widow's personal bests of last year. We are happy to report our precognizance remains perfectly unsullied. The Shot's cheese was happily snatched.

So fuck th'all o' ya's.

Hmm...but that was yesterday. Ugh. These time shifting cross references are beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Ok, hold on, that sort of scans nice, but it don't make no sense.

01/03/07


 

TRAINING PROGRESS REPORT: As for their current body weights, SlingShot and The Black Widow are mere shadows of their former selves.


Early morning photo 12/27/06 by Mary Endico of SlingShot and The Black Widow's shadows in the parking lot of Walsingham Park.

As for their speed, yesterday, pulling alone for an entire loop in Fort De Soto Park, SlingShot blew away all of last year's Florida Spring Training personal bests...both his and The Black Widow's, even those of late spring, even those where the two had worked together. Not only did he beat their personal best team effort by 0.3 mph, he bested The Black Widow's solo effort by almost a mile an hour.

This does not bode well for SlingShot, because last week he did pretty much the same thing on another course, and The Black Widow came out two days later and beat his time by 0.4 mph.

Nobody likes a smart ass.

Speaking of smart asses, Dangerous Dan Sullivan has been crowned King of the Computrainer by Poor Latrine and Humberto Cavalheiro.

Really, nobody likes a smart ass.

01/02/07


 

RETRACTION OF "KEVIN HALEY" SPECIAL EDITION: A few days ago, American Road Cycling made a most grievous error in reporting right here on these very pages that Kevin Haley was inexplicably found on the cover of Vanity Fair Magazine. Our chagrin stems not so much from the mistaken identity (for in fact it did look like him), but for our cavalier attitude in stating, "What the hell is Kevin Haley doing on the cover of Vanity Fair?"

In all fairness, it should not surprise anybody to find Kevin Haley on the cover of a national magazine, for he is in fact a rather handsome sort. Still, we are quite sorry for the error, because this time it was not Kevin Haley.

Hmph, just some other gay guy I suppose...oh, jesus, is that mic still on..

01/01½/07


 

FIRST PRIME TAKEN: This morning Palletman handily beat out Poor Latrine (by 2 hours and 45 minutes) to be the first to arrive at American Road Cycling for the year 2007. He then repeated his performance 2 hours and 41 minutes later as he bested Poor by 4 minutes thus becoming also the second place arriver. Poor is himself beginning to feel quite comfortable with 3rd place finishes or less.

01/01/07

YEAR IN REVIEW!

BLUNT SCISSORS PROJECT: Cutout SlingShot's jersey and put it back on him...PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!

 

 

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2006: Old 's - American Road Cycling Archives

 


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