2006 - Old
's
"All the New's Too Old to
Print!"
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WARNING: If
strong language offends, please leave this site NOW. |
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12/31˝/06 |
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HOME AGAIN, HOME AGAIN ZIGGITY ZIG:
After a two day lay-off, Palletman has returned to visiting
American Road Cycling rather frequently. Guess his New Year's
hang is over. Just in time for tomorrow's "YEAR IN REVIEW!" In other
news, both the Black Widow and SlingShot receive DNF's
for this year's Tour d'American Road Cycling, because they
went to the dog beach and then Barnes & Noble for cinnamon scones
instead of riding in the final.
CLICK
HERE FOR LAST YEAR'S RESULTS. |
12/31/06 |
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BASE LAYER ADVISORY: Not needed. |
12/30˝/06 |
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HUMBERTO SAYS: In
lieu of the
Hump,
I'm takin' a dump.
Editors Note: That pretty much takes care of Poor Latrine's
excuse as well. Twin George was supposed to stay on top of this
problem, but he hasn't. |
12/30/06 |
Click
for
Audio |
WHAT THE HELL?
What
the hell is
Kevin Haley
doing on
the cover of Vanity Fair? This episode of American
Road Cycling Radio NOT brought to you by
Peak Performance Chiropractic, where your spinal health is a
snap! -#- Whew, that can't be good. |
12/29/06 |
Click
for
Audio |
UV47 IDENTIFIED:
Due to an indiscretion on his own part,
UV47 has been identified as
Steve Jinks. Better watch what your little friends are having you
click on, Steve. Also a review of recent records has shown new
IP#'s for Toe Clip Guy,
Nuclear Dan Buckley,
and
Dr.
Artie Art, Artie Art Donohue. We also suspicion that we know new ones
for Zirra
and
Rich Cruet. This episode of American
Road Cycling has NOT been brought to you by Guru Bicycles. "Selle
Italia may have you by the balls, but we'll grab you round the
neck!" |
12/28/06 |
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SlingShot leans over his bike for a well deserved puke after
his first trail ride in Florida, soon as he and the Black Widow
Clampett arrived south for Spring Training 2007.
"I am really getting too old for this shit!" -Spatz |
12/24˝/06 |
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SpankTown Ladies, Do Dah, Fah La |
12/24/06 |
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GET ON THE STICK, GET ON THE
HORN: Hey knuckleheads, get your shit together.
This morning, I finished the ride from Paul's
with Toe Clip Guy alone, because everybody else bailed out
from 1/3 to half way out. What a bunch of panty waisted Sheilas.
It was the first time Mr. Clip went over
fifty. I know he's been on other rides that were advertised as
50+, but they never turned out to be. And now I know why.
As the ride went on, The Guy just kept
getting stronger, and stronger, while lesser riders were dropping
out like spilt shipping peanuts. I'll bet leaders of all the other
rides he's done made notice of that fact (for as long as they could
take it), then came up with an "idea" like this: "Maybe we could
go over this way..." and they made the ride shorter to save
their sorry asses. That sure would explain what went on during the
last "Space Farms" ride. In any case, since
the Palletman isn't doing such a great job of posting rides in a
timely fashion, The Clipster had to use his source of last
resort and ask SlingShot where a ride was. Shocking! If
somebody has to use their bottom of the barrel choice to ask
SlingShot where there's a ride (see: Chatter
#635,
636,
637), something has gone way wrong. American
Road Cycling records show that the Clipmeister ok'd
publication of his contact information, so I'll put it here till we
get to Florida. You bozos better put him on your "must call" list of
riders. Also, anybody with any idea of having a race team, better
beg him to help you out...or you're going to have to contend with
him kicking your ass at somebody else's behest.
Here's the info: Rick Sanchez
Padgettnyc@aol.com
Write him, and get his phone number. Put it on your AA list. |
12/22/06 |
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ARC Radio: Episode3
SlingShot manning the media desk
in the ARC Radio studios
FOR THE HEARING COMPARED:
Fuck me… This episode of ARC Radio not brought to you
by Stinkature Psychos. Service is our middle name. Not applicable to
your own expectations, whether or not they are valid, invalid, or
whether we have given them to you or not, whether you have assumed
them on your own, or bought them at auction. Also significant
restrictions apply, in New York, New Jersey, Connecticut,
Pennsylvania, and other places abroad and a field wherever you may
find yourself. In other words good luck to you and best wishes. |
12/21/06 |
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ARC Radio: Episode 2 |
12/20˝/06 |
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-
INCREDIBLE E-BAY FIND - |
12/20/06 |
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VIDEO SUBMITTED BY
LAUREN "LUGIE" WARREN
(aka: The Angel)
Generally, American Road Cycling does not
publish anything that SlingShot himself does not create, or
which we cannot at least track the origins and pay massive moulah
for the privilege of using, but this video appears to have been made
by somebody who would like nothing more than for everybody in the
world to see it, despite lack of credit and payment.
In any case, it is obvious American Road Cycling
can't afford the right to publish this anyway. It is priceless.
|
12/18/06 |
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XTRA SPECIAL STRAUB WATCH UPDATE:
Previously it was
reported here erroneously that
Dr. (Artie) Art, Artie Art Donohue and
Joe Straub were spotted riding together near the County
Center in Goshen. It was then corrected here in furtherance of error
that in fact Artie Art was merely trying to get away from Joe but
could not do it.
Turns out the truth of the matter was that Joe was
actually trying to get away from Artie. Unfortunately, Joe had been
put on a fixed gear track bike by Iron Mike Norton, and when he got
started in the same direction as Artie he couldn't figure out how to
stop.
This is the last time we will try to get this story
straight, no matter what information any of you may feel that you
have.
Joe is currently working on top secret cycling
skills given to him by Iron Mike and consisting of 16 hrs cycling
per week on a fixed gear, keeping his knees in and restricting his
bike sway (totally the opposite of the Poor Latrine nonsense) while
climbing, plus lots and lots of stretching. If we were at liberty to
tell you about this we would.
BTW: Glenn has reportedly done three loops of
Kain at least once in his life, but that is also classified
information.
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12/17/06 |
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SPECIAL Latrine WATCH UPDATE:
Shh! Don't tell anybody. Paul is doing pushups. It's part
of his new secret workout program.
SPECIAL STRAUB WATCH UPDATE:
"Joe" is now officially Mr. Straub's middle name, whose
full name currently reads - "T.P. Joe Straub," or just "T.P." for
short. The "T.P." stands for "That Prick," or so a little birdie has
told us.
SPECIAL ARTIE ART UPDATE:
Recently it was
reported on these pages that
Joe Straub and
Dr. Art were seen riding together. Turns out they
weren't. Dr. Artie Art had run across Joe on the Heritage Trail, and
was merely trying to get away from him...which he could not. This
update is totally unrelated to the story above about how "Joe" is now Mr.
Straub's middle name.
ZIRRA UPDATE:
Zirra finally showed up again yesterday. He must be
gathering information for Team Poor Latrine.
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12/16/06 |
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NEWBIE: Received this morning
from Poor Latrine, "I understand there is
a ride that people do on Saturday mornings. What time does it
happen? [We would tell
him, but we can't stand to hear his excuse.]
RIDGEBURY QUOTE OF THE DAY
SlingShot: "I feel watts!"
Poor Latrine: "What!?"
SlingShot (louder): "I feel WATTAGE!"
Anonymous Asshole (quietly): "Not many." |
12/15/06 |
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ROOTS OF SIGNATURE SERVICE:
Everybody has been wondering about the perfect little MOE-vici that
Poor Latrine, from Stinkature Silos, rides from time to time...very
time to time. We think we've tracked down the
source of inspiration. |
12/14/06 |
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WEIRD SCIENCE REDUX:
AUDIO VERSION OF WEIRD SCIENCE. Written text version is below,
so you can read along with the audio. |
12/12/06 |
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WEIRD SCIENCE:
Just before noon today, SlingShot was on Scotchtown Road in
Goshen, just coming to the light by the County Center when he saw
two cyclists approaching. He rolled down his window, ready to
present the
American Road Cycling salute, but he was unsure if this
might not be pokers who would not understand. He hesitated.
Then he saw the front rider (in large aggressive shimmering glasses)
take one look at the Peloton Subaru, glare menacingly and
thrust his best finger forward and erect. Scary, real scary.
What a weird sport we enjoy, where this greeting shows the utmost in
respect and loving hatred. In fact, it's the only thing that can
make
Chester Pete Cotsis
smile. Like Samurai, we are always on the watch for "worthy
opponents," and these were two of that.
It was
Dr.
(Artie) Art Donohue and that Smiling Jack-ass,
Joe Straub. Joe was momentarily befuddled over what had
gotten Artie Art all jazzed up, but on looking up and seeing
it was just SlingShot, Joe merely smiled briefly and went
back to calculating where best he was going to make Artie Art
Artie wish he had never been born.
SlingShot drove on smiling, and decided to
make his own ride today extra long, while luxuriating in thoughts
about how that little dandy Artie Art Artie, Artie Art would
soon be enjoying the just deserts of his callous greeting at the
hands of Smilin' Jack.
A weird sport, weird sport, weird sport, indeed. |
12/10/06 |
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QUOTE OF THE DAY:
After Sunday's ride, pointing to his trip computer, SlingShot
says , "I now have eight thousand one hundred and twenty five miles
for the year."
Rich
(The Bicycle Doctor) Cruet queries incredulously, "8,000
miles...this year?"
Quips SlingShot, "That's right 8,125!"
"Wow, you really SUCK. I thought you were riding
great, but with that many miles you should be doing a lot better!"
Palletman
would probably have had something to add to that, but he never
showed up for the ride.
12/10˝/06:
As expected. See Chatter Box
#621. Then the follow up
#623. |
12/09/06 |
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FRAME UP: Here's
something that really pisses SlingShot off:
SlingShot is so pissed off because there's not really any good
way to trash talk this frame, and rider. It is all too wonderful. So
we'll just run what Twin Lynn said about it.
This is an old Serotta steel
frame.
George (Tail) Centamore owned it, and sold it to my brother a
few years ago, who never built it up then offered it to Travis,
because he knew Travis had just outgrown a bike and needed a bigger
one.
The bike was originally solid gloss yellow and looked just fine. But
we decided that the bike should be repainted, so that Travis could
make it his own.
Travis wants to be a firefighter,
so it was easy for him to decide on a scheme-- he wanted it to look
like a fire truck. And since
George Centamore is an artist, and we've seen some bikes he
custom painted, we knew who to go to do the job. We gave him a bit
of a challenge. Decals didn't exist, so George had to hand letter
everything. And to make it even tougher on him, we wanted gold leaf
lettering. The head tube has a firefighter's crest. The down tube
says "Rescue 6" because Travis wants to be in a rescue company. And
he just likes the number six.
And the seat tube says FFD for
Florida Fire Department, because he'll be joining them as a
volunteer in January when his school report card comes in and the
rumors that he is doing well gets confirmed.
Lynn
There it is. Not much room for trash talking here.
Except to point out that this "a
kid and his new bike" thing never ends. But it's not the lack of trashing opportunity here
that's really gotten SlingShot going. It's just that
everybody's going to get to see this posting...except Travis. The
American Road Cycling site is not for minors. Travis is not
allowed to read it, or at least he shouldn't be.
However, just in case Travis does wander in here we better put in a
tutorial: "Dear Travis, you can really fuck up your life and
ability to move ahead with your dreams, if you don't figure out
quickly what language offends people, and which people are likely to
be offended. Then never talk like that around them. Basically,
everything on American Road Cycling is a taboo in most reputable
circles, so you should work hard to not ever say or act anything
like anything you see here. Of course the ugly language here is bad
enough, but the real problem with ARC is that it is just plain
stupid and a waste of time. So always do just the opposite of
American Road Cycling, and you'll be very well equipped to be the
best fire fighter there ever was." Hmm, looking
at that paint job, it is obvious that OCC's got nothin' on OCBC,
except Mikey is funnier than SlingShot.
BTW: Somebody tell
George Centamore
to have his web master get rid of that stupid
licensing screen on his web site. I'm a security nut, so just chose
"No" and only looked at the photos. Really
George, do you want people seeing your
work (and commission your services) or not?
Well, at least SlingShot got to trash
something. |
12/09/06 |
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LEGAL NOTICE:
Somebody tell Terry Bowden that the cue sheet he downloaded for the
Saturday B Ride is the classic version, and they may be doing a
variation on it now. |
12/07/06 |
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TWIN LYNN IS IN BIG TROUBLE
(but not with SlingShot)
For all the copy/paste impaired, below is the link Twin Lynn
mentions in her posting (#619)
in
the
CHATTER BOX:
LYNN'S MOST RECENT LINK |
12/07/06 |
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UNFORTUNATE OMISSION:
If American Road Cycling ever forgets to put
Kevin Haley's
name on the home page, he himself forgets to check the
CHATTER BOX
until a couple hours later when somebody finally tells him there's
something there that may be mildly interesting.
BTW: Somebody tell Terry Bowden the
RIDE CHOICE pages are
almost totally not never ever being used, far's we know. |
12/05/06 |
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HAMSTER IN THE ATTIC
The Black Widow just settled down for a long
winter's nap.
As usual, some flower or a puppy dog along the road has distracted
the Black Widow from the ride. Hey, Mary! That metal man's
gettin' away from you.
NOTE: As Palletman reminded us with his posting
(#616)
in the
CHATTER BOX
about 37 seconds after this photo was
published, there was
a
Previous American Road Cycling Swimsuit Edition. Of course Twin
George also took
this photo! And while we're at it, there's that one of Mary
getting home from FL
football camp. |
12/03˝/06 |
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TOUGHEST RIDE EVER: Near the top
of the first major climb during today's Space Farms ride was
shouted, "Hey Toe Clip Guy, you're killing us. What the hell
do you think this is, Paris Island? This group is more the Paris
Hilton type."
SlingShot had already told Mr. Clip, about 10 minutes
before, that the big climb was just beginning, and SlingShot
himself would be dropping off the front to let somebody else pace
him up the hill, because he'd never made it to the top without being
dropped, but today he was hopeful. This little tidbit of information
only gleamed a moment in Toe Clip Guy's eye, as he smiled and
started pushing the pace considerable.
FUCKING MARINES!
That means you too, Brand New Bruce! Nuclear Dan is
excused from this tirade, because he only drove nuclear submarines,
and everybody knows the Navy is merely a taxi service for the
Marines anyway, or at least that's what Brand New told me,
not that I want to get anything started.
Still, there's getting to be way too many former military guys, with
a certain need to WIN, going on these rides for my taste. Of course,
it just might be they are the only kind of people who show up for
the cold ass December rides. Everybody on the ride today was that
sort more or less, military service or not. Undeniably, there was
the usual contingent of a few big-rider newbies, but we've all seen
those guys before. In a few months they'll be skinny aggravating
hill climbers like the rest of us, since they've already proven
their status by showing up and completing a Space Farms ride their
status is: winner.
AND I HATE WINNERS.
But it really wasn't Toe Clip Guy and his jarheaded ways that
made this ride the Toughest Ride Ever. At the top of the hill
there was a regrouping to check the cue sheet and confirm the course
with regard to some controversy about a possible missed turn in the
midst of the Toe's shenanigans.
Turns out there were fully 15 different cue sheets on the ride.
Everybody who had one, had a different one. And a few people like
SlingShot didn't even have one.
So it wasn't surprising when The Bianchi attacked full out at
the next turn, went the wrong way, and took all us lemmings with
him. That was pretty much fun for awhile, until we got to the light
and were waiting for [rider's name stricken],
Rich Cruet, The Bicycle Doctor,
and a couple others who fucked up and went the right way. That's
when SlingShot got goin' on a rampage about how he had never been
at this light before without being lost and dropped, and now that he
finally made it there with the group, the whole goddamned group was
lost.
But the confusion over the course wasn't really what made the ride
so hard. This thing about being off course and making it up as we go
along is pretty typical. In fact, some would say mandatory. It is in
accord with that old OCBC saw: The Blind Leading the Blind.
Anyways, today we dutifully tossed the cue sheets like coins at
every turn to see which path we'd avoid next, but with so many
sheets it was really hard to stay off course. We were almost certain
to be correct according to one of the sheets—no matter which way we
went. Staying off course like we love to: that's what was really
hard.
Fuck Me. |
12/03/06 |
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— URGENT REQUEST—
Will somebody who is familiar with the Walkill Time Trial course
(maybe Robb Daly, Crazy Mike, or somebody like that) please get in
touch with Louie (formerly
Prince of Pain, aka Louie Louie, also of Julie and
Louie Fame) immediately, right now, with no delay, because Louie
is designing a training program for Mike The Spin Guy
Finnegan, and he needs to know the course that Mike'll be racing, so
they can do some reconnaissance training. Guess you could get in
touch with Julie or Mike Finnegan also. In any case, somebody get in
touch with somebody and give them some sort of information, won't ya
please?! But be careful how you do it. Louie's got a cold.
— TOP
PRIORITY — |
12/02/06 |
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IN THE SMALL RING:
After today's
Hump,
The Bianchi tendered his cadence sensor, or what was left of
it, to SlingShot. Here's the photo:
Looks like Bianchi has moved back to his small ring for the
winter, because the Polar web-site specs this sensor out to 220 rpm.
Of course, there's always the possibility that Rich yelled, "Fuck
me," yanked off the sensor himself, tossed it across the
road...where
Chester Pete ran over it. No way to tell.
In any case, next Friday Bianchi and the Black Widow
are returning to the Beth Israel Mother Ship, where Bianchi
will get a probe stuck up his ass, the Black Widow will have
her titties pinched, and SlingShot will spend the time in a
waiting room reading his copy of the C++ GUI Programming Guide
while gorging on candy bars, potato chips, and soda pop.
Guess the season is almost over. |
12/01/06 |
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SPRINT TAKEN:
This morning
Palletman was unfortunately just edged out
(1 hr) by UV44 to be the first to to get listed on the American
Road Cycling
DECEMBER 2006 ATTENDANCE RECORDS.
Unless of course UV44 actually is Palletman? We have no way of
knowing, until UV44 puts something in the
CHATTER BOX
for us. Even then... |
11/22/06 |
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JUST IN CASE:
For your viewing pleasure, SlingShot finally waded
through the web logs and updated the
NOVEMBER 2006 ATTENDANCE RECORDS. |
11/21/06 |
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HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL:
This morning SlingShot was working on some other useless
Internet stuff and decided that he should also include a check on
American Road Cycling to see what's up. It has been a couple
months since he has even bothered to take a look at the web logs, so
as a quick check he grabbed a couple IP#'s from his notes; and, low
and behold, the last entry in the ARC web logs is Palletman (7:43
this morning), with regular appearances throughout, apparently
hoping to find a resurgence of the kakapoopoo nonsense ARC was
famous for. Well, that means at least somebody got to see the latest
from The Mother of the Bianchi in the
CHATTER BOX. |
11/08/06 |
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FLASH:
Yesterday Scott "The Man" sold a Moe-vici, pushing Stinkature Silos
over the top for selling the most Serotta's by a single shop in a
single year...ever. In a related story, Altheus closed their doors
in Manhattan. |
11/05/06 |
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YEAH GRANT!
(somebody said Lance was there too) |
10/24/06 |
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NEW RIDGEBURY CONTENDER
Currently Miguel is quite satisfied with kicking Humberto's fat ass
all day, every day;
but his appearance on Ridgebury is sure to arrive sooner than
all of you think. Better stock up on the Butt'r to soothe your
shredded glutes. |
10/08/06 |
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SOME PEOPLE FIND IT
IMPOSSIBLE TO LEARN
FROM
OTHER'S MISTAKES
photo by: Paul Latrine
BTW: Also on today's Fall Foliage Ride, Hernando and The
Gapper broke away (finally caught a very strong unknown rider in a
T-Mobile jersey) and finished significantly faster than all others
in the main group of strong riders on the 50. Really, nobody was
forced to stop at the rest stops, so they made the decision to
keep on pedaling. They thus avoided any chance of being featured in
any photos such as the one shown above. Their victory would have
been that much sweeter had anybody given a shit. |
10/07/06 |
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DANGEROUS DAN SULLIVAN FINALLY WINS HUMP:
Dan Sullivan finally reigned supreme on today's
Hump after a very fast
start, then a hard fought struggle over the 35.6 mile challenging
and hotly contested course. Victory would have been that much
sweeter had anybody given a shit. |
09/30/06 |
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SHHH! Hush, Hush.
From: Daniel Sullivan [mailto:danfs@optonline.net]
Sent: Friday, September 22, 2006 9:30 PM
To: George Meyer
Subject: Secret Cycling Advance
George,
These are top secret so you can't send them to anyone else yet.
See the next big advance in cycling technology: The Humberto
Bars! These bars endorsed by the former pro cyclist who now
dabbles in gardening, Humberto Cavalheiro. He contends that they
have taken 5 minutes off of his time trial times.
Danny
DISCLAIMER: American Road Cycling
supports the concept that the public has the right to know, so
please do not consider this leak of supposedly unpublished
cycling technology from deep inside the bowels of a top secret
research and development lavatory a breach of web etiquette. We just
couldn't keep our mouths shut, once we had the poop on this
excruciating new development. This will certainly scatter the
competition. |
09/16/06 |
|
COUNTRY ROADS RECAP
Girl Gone Wild!
photo by: Rich "Big Bianchi" Lawrence |
09/09/06 |
|
TWO LINKS FROM DR. ART
1) As explanation to the slower riders what the AA rides are really
like, here's a view from the world of "Ok, but how would they do on
Ridgebury?" subtitled, "Yeah, where's your dinky little camera now,
Paul?" or re-titled, "Hmmph, nobody even hit the tractor!" -
CLICK HERE
2) For the best damn photo of Dr. Art that has ever been published -
CLICK HERE.
To Dr. Art, "I'm takin' your cheese, man! I'm takin' your
cheese..." -SlingShot
Quote stolen by SlingShot from someone who, by all accounts,
actually can.
WATCH THE VIDEO AGAIN |
05/01/06 |
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OK...IT'S
NOT ABOUT THE BIKE, BUT IT IS ABOUT THE RIDE |
04/27/06 |
|
ROAD RASH COMICS
#36
(more from the Open House) |
04/20/06 |
|
SLINGSHOT WINS $10 BET: This morning
SlingShot was awakened by a snort and a laugh coming from the Black Widow,
who was on the computer in the living room.
"What!" says SlingShot, and the enthusiastic Mary says, "Bianchi
mentioned it in the OCBC Newsletter." Then she began reading the article.
SlingShot, having no time for such pleasantries, shoots, "Don't read it
to me. Cut to the chase. Is the URL in the article?"
"Umm...hmm, well, no."
"Exactly! Case closed. Give me my $10."
The bet had been this, "That worthless organization and their grammatically
challenged little newsletter (now that Roberta Dakan is gone), will never make a
direct reference to:
www.americanroadcycling.org
Hell! They will continue to ignore the existence of the American Road Cycling
web site, even if we donate $200! Despite the fact a significant portion of
their members read it regularly!"
Now the truth is proven, even to the Black
Widow. They wouldn't let Bianchi make a direct referral, even when he
tried...three months after the donation.
Somebody should tell Seth, he might finally understand. After all, he did do
his time as OCBC Club President, only to have them refuse to even mention his
new ride tour group on their sleazy little OCBC web site.
It wasn't like Seth was asking for a
Lifetime Achievement Award, just a mention of the fact that he and his
cohort Terry Bowden are NOT in fact known serial killers—just in case somebody
happened across
their touring service online and was wondering.
So SlingShot has his 10 bucks in his pocket, never has to show up for
another club ride again (no matter how much the Widow pleads), and can finally
put the American Road Cycling web site to rest.
Congratulations SlingShot! Job well done! And it only took a little over
a year to get the seriousness of that worthless organization's worthlessness
through the Black Widow's thick Pollyannaish skull!
In any case, the same few loudmouths will continue to show up for the OCBC board
meetings, and convince newbies that rules apply. Of course, those rules
are mere hearsay, are not written down anywhere obviously displayed and referred
to, nor maintained by any formal and uniform process. Those rules
would still be ignored when convenient anyway, even if they were.
Since web searches will continue bringing hapless visitors to the American
Road Cycling web site, newcomers should start with:
THE SPIN BITCH CHRONICLES
then take a quick review of:
TALIBAN STEALS LOCAL BICYCLE CLUB
Universal truths never die.
Editor's Note: Later The Bianchi cleared up the
situation regarding the lack of full URL, referred to above, by apologizing and
stating, "That is just the way I always write them. I never use .org's, etc.
No harm was intended. I'll make a correction in the newsletter."
To which SlingShot replied, "No need to correct it. I sort of guessed
that might be the actual situation, but I make it a policy to never allow facts
to get in the way of a story's flow. Really, don't waste another moment
worrying about it, or divert attention away from more pressing matters in the
newsletter. I would just find some other excuse for not showing up for group
rides anyway."
|
04/19/06 |
|
HARRIMAN RIDE CLOSES EARLY: Nuclear Dan's
Harriman had a surprise ending yesterday, as the ride broke apart early and
never reorganized. The ride has therefore gone into hiatus while each of the
riders go on their separate way to work on their own particular needs.
Usually this doesn't happen until much later in the season but may have been
prompted early this year due to SlingShot's consternating inability to
get
dropped.
When reached for comment SlingShot said, "Well, I have learned all that I need
to this year from group rides. Plus I must turn my attention to a more
formalized study of sandbagging and the use of Race Day Periodization among
Elite Duathlon competitors." |
04/18ľ/06 |
|
NEW ZIRRA IP# CONFIRMED: It has just been
confirmed that UV35 is actually Zirra,
due to a recent Chatter Box submittal matching Zirra-like garbled
nonsense, plus the dates previously ascribed to UV35
exactly match days that Zirra had been missing in action. Boy, are we ever
clever.
It was also noted today that Grant Salter from Signature Psychos (NYC) came onto
ARC and ushered around another user in a different location, showing them how to
post rides using the
PUBLIC RIDES function. No, I'm tellin' you. We are
ever so clever. |
04/18˝/06 |
|
SLINGSHOT PISSES OFF EVERYBODY AGAIN |
04/18/06 |
|
NUCLEAR DAN BUCKLEY UPDATED HIS HARRIMAN RIDE ALL ON HIS OWN THIS MORNING! |
04/17/06 |
|
MISSING CHILD |
04/15˝/06 |
|
HUMP
REPORT: It was an exciting Hump today.
A full contingent of
Skylands race team showed up, with lots of Cat1, 2, & 3 racers. The
sheer weight of all that blue makes U.S. Postal (now Discovery) look like they
just ain't trying. Apparently they weren't racing this week...except for The
Hump.
Early on,
Kevin Haley
accomplished some brilliant blocking to keep SlingShot in the ride.
Unfortunately, soon after that
Joe Straub allowed a gap to open, and although
SlingShot did make up the difference (after asking Joe if he couldn't kindly
get the fuck out of his way), the bridging effort ended SlingShot's
attack and dreams of glory. He then went off and did the
Rump
with the
Merry
Rumpsters.
Of course, all this happened before the "S" turn on the way out, so it is
not likely to be reported in the main stream press. It is only being reported here
so SlingShot can see his name in the same paragraph with
Skylands Cycling, which is as close as he is ever likely to get to being
associated with real cycling.
Much later the
Merry
Rumpsters saw
Kevin Haley
on the front and pulling all of
Skylands much deeper in the ride, way past the Camel Farm in fact. But
nobody likes
Kevin, so we are not going to report it here, except to note that our
friend Doug Allen was on his wheel with an immense "I'm sucking your wheel
for all it's worth" big ass grin. Besides, there's much bigger news.
MASSIVE TRAINING SUCCESS: Jim "The Assasin"
Amels reports that his winter training regime was rigorous and is about to bear
fruit. All his work is about to pay off in a big way.
In the next week or so Jim plans to cash in all his beer cans for their deposit
value and use the significant funds accrued to purchase upgrades to his bike. If
you thought he was fast before...well, just you wait and see.
Not since
Kevin Haley
taught Bodie Miller everything Bodie knows about the training table has there
been such a shake up within the world of athletics. |
04/15/06 |
|
ANOTHER 2 NEW ROAD RASH COMICS
#34
#35
As often noted, SlingShot has not a scintilla of self-control nor
patience, most recently exhibited by his jumping on Humberto's wheel with the
distinct thought, "Oh, goodie. It's me an Humberto all the way home!"
So it comes as no surprise that he cannot wait to post the two most recent
Dr. Art's Road Rash Comics separately, but has thrown them both up
immediately upon receiving them. Of course everybody is glad he did, but to
assuage his guilt, he has added a new subnavigation bar, so the entire
OPEN HOUSE SERIES can be easily read sequentially.
#32,
#33,
#34,
#35. |
04/14/06 |
|
HEARD ON YESTERDAY'S RIDE: During an
installment of
Silence of
the Lambs yesterday, on the big hill coming out of Washingtonville, Mary
made note of Paul watching for her to come up on on his right, so she passed on
the left, and dropped her right hand as if she wasn't working—just like she did
with Palletman in the article
TEASER.
Of course, Paul merely mimicked her by dropping his own arm casually and saying,
"Who do you think I am? Palletman?"
Mary, "No, of course not...Palletman's fast."
Ah, Spring is in the air! Which was later confirmed again when Hal (with new
Ottrott), Jason, Paul, Mary, and SlingShot came across Doug, Twin
George, Humberto, and Dangerous Dan going the opposite direction after
they crossed 94 on the return home.
Both groups hooted catcalls, and went on their respective ways.
By the top of the longish climb in Mountainville, just when SlingShot was
relaxing into I'm-going-to-finish-with-the-ride mode, he heard Twin
George breathing hard to his left. The other group had apparently had a few
minutes discussion, then decided to turn back, catch, and blow apart Paul's
ride...which they did.
Even so, SlingShot was still with the ride at the top of Bob's Hill,
and soon after, when Humberto took off, it only made sense for him to excitedly
grab a fast wheel.
During their drive home after the ride, SlingShot could only comment to
Mary, "What was I thinking?" |
04/13/06 |
|
ANYBODY GOT A CLUE: Does anybody have any
idea why, with all this recently renewed talk about Flight 93, nobody ever
mentions how one of the jet's engines was found 12 miles away from the crash
site? Are we all just supposed to understand the truth of the matter, without a
word, in the way we allow the childlike among us to maintain their belief in
Santa Claus?
Or is this closer to the way Google allows the Chinese government
to censor content, such as taking out
Tank Man in searches for Tianenman, making it so that when the search
comes from within China,
it looks like this?
Has everybody but me already forgotten the particulars given in
the first few weeks after the events of 9/11, or am I just being totally
politically incorrect and insensitive to mention how that jet was most likely
taken out by the U.S. Air Force? |
04/12/06 |
|
A GRAY HAIR'S BREADTH AWAY:
Joe Straub within whiffing distance of the Bethel Masters Class Title. |
04/10/06 |
|
FINALLY: Finally somebody has caught on to
what American Road Cycling has known all along. The Hudson Valley is
currently the best place in the WORLD for cycling. Not only have they caught on,
but they have decided to do something about it and now offer a cycling tour
service.
It's about time, and here's the link:
HUDSON VALLEY BIKING
...which is now also included on the
SPONSORS (NOT) page.
Although their web site is a little spotty, and has no solid information about
who these people are, we aren't that worried about it. First off, they ain't
supposed to be web mavens, just ride mavens. So it makes sense. Who cares
whether or not the web site is great, if the service is great. Anybody ever browse the
Internet while totally transported by a ride?
Secondly, a little birdie has given American Road Cycling some extra
insight.
Apparently a main character in all this (and maybe the only, but we are not sure
at this point) is former OCBC President, Seth (The Biker) Piker...whom
you will recall has been fully lambasted here in the past (with good reason) for
harassing SlingShot. But that is an aside, and of no consequence.
The main thing, or so we have heard, is that Seth petitioned the local club to
post a link on their OCBC web site to this
new and laudable venture.
Of course the OCBC Board of Directors, etc, being what they are, were aghast at
the mere thought of posting commercial content related to
cycling—notwithstanding it being for a former President with numerous hours, yes
even DAYS of work poured into that worthless Club. They merely refused outright
to show any support whatsoever, and you have already heard their standard
excuses before: 1) insurance, 2) would look like we are endorsing, 3) what if
something happened, 4) our world might come tumbling down around us, 5) the sky
might fall, 6) Al Qaeda might slip across the Canadian border on bicycles, etc.
Pretty sad, really.
The Board probably stumbled around for hours, bumping off furniture and into
each other, tripping over their own egos and humming tunes of heavenly glory
while they conjured how best to do nothing at all.
In any case, into this vacuum steps the wonder and majesty of the Internet.
American Road Cycling is not hobbled by such shoddy, small minded fears. We
can post what we want, when we want, not beholdin' to nobody. So the link is
given above, plus it is posted permanently on the
SPONSORS (NOT) page.
We can also offer this endorsement. We know Seth. We know that he has in
fact ridden basically every rideable road in this area and far around, knows
where great and attractive tourist sites are, knows where great food is, knows
where...well, knows where you will have a great time on your bike.
We also know he will ride the speed you like, and make sure you are comfortable.
He will put together a custom ride to suit your level and taste. And he will make it as
safe as he can.
We know for certain that he was a ride leader and constant participant in more
local club rides than we can count, for at least the last 10 years, plus tours
to other parts of the world, as stated on the web site.
We also know that this is the perfect moment to explain why American Road
Cycling has never accepted any money or sponsorships from anybody, begging
at our door or not.
By refusing such indebtedness we can thus post such endorsements as the one
above for Seth, while to any other business, cycling or not, posted or merely
referred to, on the American Road Cycling web site, we can state with
absolute clarity and impunity,
"If you are unhappy that we have endorsed this cycling related business (HUDSON
VALLEY BIKING) and/or in the way that we have done so, or you take issue with
any perceived possible conflict of interest springing from your own overactive
imagination... please, and we say this with all sincerity, GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Truly, GO FUCK YOURSELF!"
Seth can lead a ride that will be thoroughly enjoyed, and the Hudson Valley is the
best place in the world for him to do it. |
04/10/06 |
|
2 NEW ROAD RASH COMICS
Dr. Art is providing a retrospective of
Stinkature Silos' Grand Opening in the heart of Manhattan's bicycle
district.
Below are the first two in a multipart series detailing
the events surrounding Paul Latrine, Grant Salter, and Jason Foster's gala
opening of
the new custom
bicycle fitting studio in NYC. It also heralds the resumption of
American Road Cycling's most beloved feature:
Dr. Art's Road Rash Comics
Many of you have already seen the first episode, but a review will help provide
impact for the second, so...last time on Road Rash Comics:
GRAND OPENING EPISODE
1
Now, this week on Road Rash Comics, Stinkature Silos Grand Opening:
GRAND OPENING EPISODE
2 |
04/09˝/06 |
|
CONFIRMATION HEARING: The Bianchi has been
confirmed UV27. Therefore, a special
pre-mid-month update of the
ATTENDANCE RECORDS
has been decreed to correct and accurately credit his arrivals on the
American Road Cycling web site. |
04/09/06 |
|
NEW FEATURE: The
following link is now included on all
RIDE CHOICE listing pages:
"ALSO SEE:
PALLETMAN'S
OCBC RIDES LIST"
This link points to Palletman's compiled ride listings over on the OCBC
web site. Palletman has spared no expense and effort assembling the most
comprehensive list that his little OCD fingers can cobble, and this link will
make things easier on everyone. American Road Cycling discourages the
P'man from posting the same rides here thus incurring double entry duty.
Additionally, this new link will stop SlingShot himself from being
tempted to repeat P'man's work.
Actually, American Road Cycling should encourage P'man's double
effort, because the sooner those OCBC losers wear him down, the quicker
American Road Cycling will benefit by receiving his undivided attention.
Let's hope those Club yuks don't realize what they've got till it's too late.
They've done it before. Can you say, "Paul Latrine"?
Somebody who cares about ARC should advise Palletman to step
carefully away from that little Genie's jar The Bianchi is about to pop the
cork on. On second thought, let's encourage The Bianchi to pop that cork.
That way we can grab hold of The
Bianchi right away. The P'man will surely follow along later. |
04/08/06 |
|
ROAD RASH COMICS
Geeze Lynn, why didn't you ask before? [see:
CHATTER BOX,
#462]
Below is a link to glimpse the new Dr. Art retrospective of
Stinkature Silos' Grand Opening in the heart of Manhattan's bicycle
district.
This is the first in a multipart series detailing
the events surrounding Paul Latrine, Grant Salter, and Jason Foster's gala
opening of
the new custom
bicycle fitting studio in NYC. It also heralds the resumption of
American Road Cycling's most beloved feature:
Dr. Art's Road Rash Comics
GRAND OPENING EPISODE
1 |
04/07˝/06 |
|
DAN BUCKLEY EDGES OUT PALLETMAN: For the
first time ever, Nuclear Dan just edged out Palletman to be the
first person to arrive at the American Road Cycling web site for the day. They then traded
licks with Dan Palletman's last page hit coming a mere 4 seconds after
Nuclear Dan's last. The Black Widow has requested that
American Road Cycling be renamed The Pitiful Insomniacs Lonely Hearts Club. |
04/07/06 |
|
DETAILS AT 11:
Word on the street has it that
Kevin Haley
gets major points for blocking and thus allowing
Joe Straub a win at Bethel. More at 11. Well...actually, that's
all we got, so get your training sleep in, there'll be no more at 11.
Also,
Nuclear Dan Buckley
stopped by yesterday and showed us
PROOF that he won his age group in the Do Wop. Really, it looks like the
photographer knew that nobody was going to believe Dan did it. Just click on the
thumbnails. Every one of the enlarged images states plainly:
PROOF. Don't forget to notice Dan's American Road Cycling Ridgebury Prime
Jersey. Too bad he doesn't look as good as
Patrick, but
here's a good cycling photo anyway.
Finally, Dan gets even more points for good work than Kevin, because Dan got
SlingShot so pumped up about riding that he went out despite the cold.
Getting SlingShot's fat ass on a bike in this kind of weather has to be a
lot harder than merely handing a win over to Joe Straub. |
04/06/06 |
|
PRO CHOICE: Nothin' new here. Yesterday I had the choice of writing
something, or going out for a ride. Not until I could barely hold 12mph going
past Hernando's building (Stark's
crash site) through the prison, then was almost blown off my bike coming
down Pines Hill Road, did I realize I probably should have chosen to stay home.
I had an easy go of it up Demarest, but that just allowed me to think about how
the wind was pretty much just like Florida, except 30 degrees colder.
I did get to see
Charlie Brown with a chainsaw at the top of Demarest. Rather striking site,
even though he forgot to put on his hockey mask.
Probably should have chosen to stay home and write, even better, I should have
chosen to stay in Florida. |
04/04˝/06 |
|
BLACK WIDOW FOLLOW UP: From the world of the wild and wacky, Mary
just noticed part of one of her paintings is now being used on the home page of
the American Watercolor Society's web site.
Check it out, it is the left hand panel. Mary saw it when she went
to the site to get dates for this year's show, so we can go down and photograph
her painting finally hanging in the oldest and most difficult watercolor art
show to get into in the U.S. [This is a follow-up to
the discussion about Liz Latrine taking the painting down for her in
February. Here's a
photo of one of her paintings at Stinkature Silos NYC. Guess Paul, Grant and
Jason are pretty proud of themselves for grabbing this painting before the damn
burst.] |
04/04/06 |
|
+
=
|
04/03/06 |
|
RACE RESULTS, NUCLEAR DAN |
04/01/06 |
|
PAUL Latrine: Paul Latrine has
requested that American Road Cycling mention that today is the Grand
Opening of his new cycle fitting studio in Manhattan with prizes and shit,
but we are not going to do it. |
03/30/06 |
|
SLINGSHOT TO LEAD THE RUMP! |
03/29/06 |
|
TEASER |
03/28/06 |
|
OFF
ROAD/RACE RESULTS:
American Road Cycling has returned to NY, and the first order of business
is to make amends for Nuclear Dan failing to update the Harriman Ride on
the
Ride Choice Daily list due to American Road Cycling having assigned
him a user name and password that could not be remembered, nor even jotted down.
In any case, although our apology must be made, it is unlikely that anybody
traveled so far as Bob and Mary to be disappointed in finding an empty parking
lot. They came from Florida State, taking two days to get there. So how bad did
this lack of notification fuck up your own day? In any case,
here's Dan's explanation along with the most recent race results:
Hi Bob:
I just went on the ARC site. I wanted to update the ride info for today's
Harriman Ride but forgot my name and password. I don't think I have Alzheimer's
but I do have a problem with these things if I don't write them down, or if I
lose the paper I wrote them down on. Anyway, I'm still
recovering from the race and don't think I will make it today, that is unless
Jimmy, Frank or Bruce are willing to go. It's 6AM, and I'm not going to see
those guys for a while, if at all today. I finished 37th
overall, 2nd in my age group [Odd
Man Duathlon].
Frank had the distinction of procuring the DFL trophy, (a
turtle shell) for finishing Dead Fucking Last. He is very happy with himself for
sticking with it and finishing such a grueling event. Several competitors
dropped out.
Alrightythan
db
Ok...so any motherfucking loser, who has never even shown up for
one of these races, let alone finished one, and who has the unmitigated gall and
unbridled temerity to feel they have even the slightest right to make the
smallest of one single goddamn snide comment to Frank about his Turtle Shell
trophy, they will have their horn rimmed nerdy ass glasses ripped off their pin
head in order to better enjoy SlingShot's fist slammed hard upside their
snotty ass nose. Got that assholes? Otherwise, anybody who would
like to say anything at all derogatory to Dan about getting his ass creamed by a
total geezer, should feel free to do so. This wasn't his first race.
Also, anybody who has actually in fact finished a few of these races, and
who knows what it take to do so, may trash-talk Frank in the customary manner.
He will be sure to return the favor after your own next race.
American Road Cycling is pretty sure Frank was already
quick to treat those people who QUIT the race in the roughest manner that suits
him. In addition, Nuclear Dan has been known to mention
American Road Cycling as his race team when signing up for races. We should
mention here, that if Frank ever did the same for himself, American Road
Cycling would be more than proud to benefit from association with him.
As for you dear reader, what race did YOU finish this week? |
03/27/06 |
|
ON THE ROAD AGAIN:
American Road Cycling is proud to announce that yesterday SlingShot and the
Black Widow did some work updating rides on the
SELECT BY DAY lists, then this morning they headed out for the return trip to
NY. However, since they are getting along in age, they will be taking their time getting
back. First stop on the way is to see Sammy, the Black Widow's
retired Dressage
horse. Sometimes SlingShot wishes she'd remount Sammy's
back and get off his own. In case American Road Cycling is still on the road when
the month rolls over, the
ATTENDANCE RECORDS have been updated to the 26th of March.
That way those who are anxious to see the latest browsing
results will not have to wait. In summary, it appears American Road Cycling
has become much more of a big deal than SlingShot would have suspected.
THIS JUST IN: As we were packing to leave, we
noticed the Jhonson was trying out his Ride Choice Edit Forms and provided
a new map link for Nuclear Dan's Harriman Ride. It is beautiful.
About the
RIDE CHOICE SOFTWARE the
Jhonson states, "I tried everything I could think of to break the form,
couldn't do it...:) People should actually be using the damn thing, it is great.
haven't seen a thing out there that could touch this! The whole thing works and
it is cool. -j" American Road Cycling couldn't agree more.
Explanation about why this way of listing rides is absolutely superior to
anything else likely to be found online will be provided when SlingShot
returns to NY and extends the search and selection options. Of course a lot of
you already understand why it blows the doors off anything else.
BTW: If all goes well, this could be the year
we finally finish
the first Spring Century (or maybe
the second one) in under 5 hrs. After all, it is flat, and Zirra will be
there. Stay tuned for results...or better yet, show up and help. |
03/25/06 |
|
WELCOME ANOTHER NEW VIEWER:
American Road Cycling is pleased to welcome the second new viewer in two
days:
UV28, with confirmed visits 21, 22, and 25. Also
former American Road Cycling Ridgebury Prime Winner
Patrick Saunders was here yesterday, then again today. That means Spring
must be moving in pretty quickly on NY, because Patrick appeared to be looking
around for rides. Guess it's about time for SlingShot and the Black
Widow to be heading back to NY. BTW: Patrick got to be the
first person to see the newest version of the
Ride Choice
Calendar on the Public Edit Form. The Calendar thingy on that
page is now functioning in full self-aware mode. Should be self
explanatory. Try it...you'll like it. |
03/24˝/06 |
|
NUCLEAR DAN
AND FRANK DIPASQUALE RACE TOMORROW |
03/24/06 |
|
WELCOME NEW VIEWER:
American Road Cycling is pleased to welcome new viewer
UV27, with confirmed arrivals March 21, 22, and
23. All the rest of you
LOOK AT THIS!, and
THEN
THIS!, and
FINALLY ONE OF THESE!, plus
MAYBE THIS ONE!, and
HERE'S ONE WITH A CUE!
Of course, all this is now automated using
SUCH AS THIS! So full circle, and a
big American Road Cycling welcome to new arrival
UV27. Rides
may be toggled On/Off using the "Publish" check box. Easy one time set
up, and even easier to keep current, or merely toggled Off, then toggled
back On when appropriate.
Ride Masters have access to their own specialized
SUCH AS THIS! If you want your own, just ask.
The results show up on the
Select by Day radio buttons page. It works for any State, County, or
Country. Other Planets will be added on an as needed basis. |
03/23/06 |
|
APOLOGY:
SlingShot apologizes to
Palletman, for any trouble he may have caused him by updating the
RIDE CHOICE SOFTWARE for the third or fourth time yesterday. Apparently, this was done at the very moment Palletman was entering a new ride. SlingShot
has been off-planet in a programming trance for the last couple days, but
believes the new improvements to the
RIDE CHOICE SOFTWARE will be to
everyone's liking. Of course,
everyone will have to take a look. |
03/20/06 |
|
NOTE TO TWIN LYNN: Per your
comment in the
CHATTER BOX
stating SlingShot had left a grammatical error in the
SLINGSHOT CENSORED AGAIN article
(which you pointed out was out of character for him, and probably due to his
being so nasty mad) - SlingShot has himself checked the copy again, at great emotional
cost to himself, and now reports he found at least three of the shorter
sentences which did NOT contain grammatical errors. The rest were fraught with
errors, now fixed... somewhat, but SlingShot is still nasty mad. |
03/19/06 |
|
NOTE TO PALLETMAN: Last night
UV18 went to the
Rides Radio Button page and found their way to your
Unionville 44 ride info. Maybe you won't have to go it alone. |
03/17/06 |
|
Check out
SEARCH MSN,
then read
SLINGSHOT CENSORED AGAIN! This notice will
remain on the American Road Cycling home page for the next week in order to give everybody a fair chance at being
horrified by the article. |
03/16/06 |
|
BIANCHI'S VERSAGE SALVAGED |
03/15/06 |
|
REMINDER: Somebody tell
Bianchi that the online version of the
Attendance Records is only being updated once a month. Plus American Road
Cycling did in fact confirm that his last entry in
CHATTER BOX
came from him, not a Faux Bianchi. We'll assign somebody the task of
breaking out the original poem and posting it as Mail so his verse breaks can be
reinstated.
Somebody tell
Palletman he can stop looking, because there ain't gonna be no
new rides listed to view until somebody puts some in.
Nobody needs to tell Nuclear Dan that he isn't even checking his
e-mail anymore due to the only mail he ever gets is spam. He already knows that. Somebody tell
Twin Lynn she really is 29, and nobody's questioning it. |
03/14/06 |
|
CHUCKIE UPDATE |
03/13/06 |
|
THEFT OF RIDE AND HIDE MANEUVER!
|
03/11/06 |
|
SLINGSHOT
ARRESTED!
|
03/10/06 |
|
SLINGSHOT SAYS: If I was not currently in Florida State, but in NY,
my ass would be at the
Chester Train Station, 1:00 pm today, you can count on that!
|
03/09˝/06 |
|
ZIRRA POSTS A NEW JERSEY RIDE
|
03/09/06 |
|
PALLETMAN POSTS
A SPRING OPENER: And don't miss
Palletman's Collected Works at OCBC.
|
03/08˝/06 |
|
PALLETMAN POSTS SPECIAL
LONG SLOW DISTANCE RIDE
FOR THIS FRIDAY
|
03/08/06 |
|
URGENT PRIVATE LETTER
TO NUCLEAR DAN BUCKLEY
|
03/07Ľ/06 |
|
NUCLEAR DAN BUCKLEY REPORTS SPRING OPENER IN HARRIMAN FOR TODAY:
Once again, Nuclear scoops the cycling world by posting the first Spring Opener.
|
03/07/06 |
|
DANGEROUS DAN SULLIVAN COMMENTS REGARDING THE FAT BOY CONTEST PHOTO: As a
convenience, we have posted Dan's letter below the original photo.
|
03/06/06 |
|
GODZILLA VOWS AN ATTACK:
Zirra promises his presence on the
05/06/06 Farmland Flat Tour Century. Nuclear, Brand New,
The Assassin, Franky Panky, and Slingshot are bound to get
burned. Screeeeech....the Spring is heating up! |
03/05/06 |
|
FAT BOY CONTEST
Find the fat boy! Can you spot the fat boy in this photo?
|
03/03˝/06 |
|
PUBLIC ENTRY FORMS FULLY FUNCTIONAL: Five (5) ride for anybody to
edit. No password required. Also all ARC ride leaders have all been given five
of their own rides to mix, match and edit. While we are waiting for computers
and Internet access to become more common,
Palletman has been granted control of all OCBC ride listings, except Lynn's
Hump, Walk, and Majorca.
|
02/18˝/06 |
|
BULLSHIT OR BULLERSHIT:
SlingShot ran into this guy John, on the Pinellas Trail, between
Clearwater and St. Petersburg, FL this afternoon. The guy had just gotten a
new Trek from
Chainwheel, so the
Shot was telling him that he might like to get fit on the
Serotta Fit Cycle at the bike shop when, at that very moment,
Paul Latrine
calls Bob's cell phone just before a bridge, what passes for a hill in Florida.
It remains unclear who was more certain that SlingShot's story was nothing
more than a load of crap: 1) Paul, when SlingShot picked up his phone
breathing hard and said, "I'm climbing a hill, and I was just talking about
you," or 2) John after SlingShot hung-up and said, "That was
Serotta's master fitter,
Paul Latrine, he's teaching the seminar that Hank from
Chainwheel will be taking."
After John hammered SlingShot close to death for the next 20 miles, they
parted with a mention to look up American Road Cycling online. Maybe John
will find us here and leave something in the
CHATTER BOX, so we can get a better handle on just who was more
certain they were being totally bullshat upon, him or Paul.
|
02/13/06 -
03/03/06 |
|
PROGRESS REPORTS FOR "THE RIDE CHOICE" SOFTWARE: No need to have
all those daily updates clogging up the archives file. They've been moved over
to their own page.
|
02/12/06 |
|
Lynn Meyer © 2006
02/12/06: Twin Lynn's Sunday ride canceled due to wet conditions.
("Bunch o' NY pussies! Uh, Lynn...turn around quick
for a picture of the snowplow coming back." - SlingShot) [The
response to this posting was the development of
The Ride Choice software network application.]
|
02/11/06 |
|
WEIRD SCIENCE:
Today, just one day after the final shut down of American Road Cycling due to
somebody spamming SlingShot, the supreme slap shot was applied to the face of
the
Black Widow.
She just found out that
one of her lesser works was accepted to show in the
American Watercolor Society, 139th Annual
International Exhibition. On one hand this is the final feather in the
Endico cap, on the other hand it is just another ho-hum day in the life of an
artist.
She has
been submitting works to this show for over 30 years, and always been
rejected...even though she has otherwise exhibited in every National Juried
Watercolor Art show in the U.S. (often) plus numerous shows elsewhere.
For all her artist friends, the AWS show is known to be one of the hardest
exhibitions
in the world to get into. Doing so is like being nominated for an Oscar, Grammy,
and Emmy, all at the same time. On the other hand it is well known that the
judging process is all out of whack, which is another story altogether. In any
case, getting in the show as an outsider is pretty much akin to winning a mega
lottery.
So she sent in a slide before we left New York for Florida this year. Then she
left the painting at
Paul's, so he could hand deliver it (mandatory) just in
case she, "...happened to get accepted."
Then, today she found four messages from AWS on her machine, asking if she was
on the way bringing her painting to NYC. Of course the message was placed on her
voicemail yesterday. Turns out her notice of acceptance had not reached her by
snail mail yet. Since AWS always sends out Rejections a few week's after
the Acceptances, Mary was accustomed to paying little or no attention
when the deadline for bringing paintings to the show arrived.
Besides, the painting submitted had already been rejected from the show
previously. Maybe more than once. Mary doesn't really pay much attention. It was
just a slide she had left over from other show submittals, and her friend
Joan Ross and her husband Jack had twisted her arm to submit to the show
saying, "No, really. They're finally accepting less traditional work!"
Had she been accepted earlier in her career, it might have actually been a help
to her. In this case, it has proven to be very anticlimactic...except
for the little matter of diverting attention away from SlingShot's
birthday and
back onto herself.
At least this gives Liz Latrine an opportunity to be the hero (again) by taking the
painting downtown. Looks like AWS can make a certain allowance for an Endico
watercolor arriving just a little late. Plus the blizzard may cause the awards
judging to be put off till after
the painting gets there...not that they are likely to stray very far from
their standard lack of recognizing Endico as a force to be reckoned with.
Guess it proves that what Mary always thought about this organization is true.
She always figured it was just a bunch of old biddies running their smug little
art show for their own amusement. Now that Mary is herself an old biddy, has
gotten accepted, and will be in the the show, she knows it was true all along.
Too bad American Road Cycling is shut down. This would have made a good
story for it.
|
02/10˝/06 |
|
UNDER THE WIRE:
Hardly a shop closes that someone hasn't slipped their foot in the door just
as it shuts.
The JHonson comments on ARC's final closing.
(For details see: SPAMMERS below.)
|
02/10/06 |
|
SPAMMERS: Earlier today American Road Cycling
received a mass e-mail from somebody who should know better, especially given
the fact that American Road Cycling has, on many more than one occasion,
requested to be omitted from such mailings.
Although clever photos of a self serving nature may have been submitted which
may have otherwise been of interest to everybody reading the American Road
Cycling web site, as soon as American Road Cycling saw that the
mailing was a "broadcast" which carried with it the American Road Cycling
e-mail address in a "send list" of the type that can be harvested by anybody
else on the list, or anybody else that anybody else on the list happens to
forward the offending e-mail to, or anybody else who is anybody else, or anybody
else who is not even anybody else but merely a robot, and not to mention that
the e-mail was followed in by other spam mail from sources that are probably
using the publishing computer as a spamming zombie (assumed because it is
typical to receive such spamming every time an e-mail comes from, or around, or near the offending
address)...American Road Cycling simply deleted it.
Therefore, American Road Cycling cannot comment on the contents. We never
even saw it.
That's how we do stuff around here. Get used to it.
Actually, no need to get used it...that's how we USED to do it. As of this
moment the American Road Cycling web site has fulfilled its mission and
will cease to function forthwith. Trash talk and wiretapping are one thing,
spamming is quite another matter altogether.
Do you remember where you were when Seinfeld, Saint Elsewhere, Taxi, Cheers,
WKRP, Larry Sanders, etc. went off the air? Do you remember the feeling you had when you
turned the last page of the last great novel you read?
So quit whimpering you sniveling idiots.
All novels end, and all things must pass, but there is always something new just
over the horizon.
When reached for comment SlingShot said merely, "What web site?"
|
02/09/06 |
|
DC ATTIC HORROR:
By the time you read this, it will be old news; but, just like the rest of the
mass media, American Road Cycling is experiencing a slow news day, so we
are filling the dead cyber-time with the following:
An alarm was set off for a possible nerve agent in the attic of the Russell
Building in Washington, DC. [For
Grant Salter
we must point out that Washington, DC is our Nation's capital.]
In any case, numerous Senators and staff were evacuated while testing for the
specific nature of the substance was conducted.
Happily, all tests returned negative.
American Road Cycling has but two questions.
First, aside from the exciting news opportunities this event provided, why on
earth would anyone think a terrorist would find it useful to place a nerve agent
in the ATTIC of a government building?
Our second question is simply, "Just exactly what is Rat Poison made of?"
Editor's Note: American Road
Cycling has no question whatsoever as to why Washington Officials would be
afraid of such substances. As to why it is news, however, is anyone's
conjecture.
Editor's Second Note: American
Road Cycling is not in the least surprised that the rest of the mass media
has failed to report on the specific results of the testing, such as, "Ok, it
was not a nerve agent, but it was..."
Maybe we'll find out later tomorrow on Stewart or Colbert,
which is especially likely after they review the American Road Cycling
web site...again. We'll just post this before the day rolls over, in hopes of
finally beating them to our own story. |
02/08˝/06 |
|
FORCED AMENDMENT: There was such an outcry of
objection over the recently published cartoon that American Road
Cycling is forced to make amends.
Therefore, once again, if you are one of those people extremely
sensitive to images of your cherished spiritual figurehead being defamed in a
cartoon purely for the prurient public amusement,
DO NOT CLICK HERE
|
02/08/06 |
|
ODD FIND:
Our American Road Cycling Web Search Diva just ran across
a
New York Times article dated August, 1990 (par. 8-9) mentioning SlingShot and
the Black Widow herself under their pseudonyms, Bob and Mary. One of the best articles ever
written about Sugar Loaf, back in the day.
Mary ran across the article while trying to figure out how to get a T-Shirt made
OUT OF THIS. Guess she got distracted.
|
02/07˝/06 |
|
FRANKLY SPEAKING: Frank, the missing page that Google led you to,
was moved several months ago.
Here's the new location.
|
02/07/06 |
|
HELP WANTED: Anybody happening upon
Kevin Haley:
look away quickly. With your eyes averted, please ask him to stop showing
up on the American Road Cycling web site to click only upon the name
Kevin Haley.
Elsewhere, there has been a slight elaboration added to the
CENSORSHIP
UPDATE.
------------------------------------
Mid-Morning Help Wanted Follow-up: Ok, that worked. Thanks to whomever
got the word to
Kevin Haley,
now somebody else track him down and have him come back so we can demand:
KEVIN HALEY CLICK HERE.
Other News: There has been some talk of changing
Chester Pete's nom to
Angry Pete. We don't think so, because
Chester Pete really, really hates being called
Chester Pete, so a re-nom'ing might backfire, making him somewhat
less Angry...which would defeat the intent of the change no
matter. It is a quandary, but if the new nom catches on, American Road
Cycling will be sure to use it, assuming it pisses Pete off enough.
|
02/06˝/06 |
|
PORNOGRAPHIC WIRETAP THOUGHT
If wiretaps are outlawed,
only outlaws will
tap your wire.
Status quo.
-SlingShot
CENSORSHIP UPDATE:
We all learned about SlingShot's (thus American Road Cycling's)
stance on censorship through the publication of
THE SPIN BITCH CHRONICLES. Recent
world events have brought problems of censorship once again to the fore. Daily
broadcasts are filled with rioting crowds, proving what happens if overly
sensitive groups (religious wankers) are left to their own devices when fighting
over which end of an egg should be cracked.
SlingShot asks, "If making a likeness of an entity is strictly forbidden,
then no true believer will have ever seen that likeness. Therefore, how
can any of the true believers verify that a likeness has even been made?
Let me get this straight. People are in the streets rioting over an image that
they may not look upon, so none of them can verify if it even exists? Are all
religions as idiotic as Christianity?"
American Road Cycling has never shied away from controversy, and feels
that full disclosure is absolutely necessary in this case. Since the mass media
in the U.S. has refused to show the cartoon which sparked the mob lootings, we are publishing
the following image with full knowledge that some may find it an abomination
before god.
So, if you are one of those people extremely sensitive to images of your
cherished spiritual figurehead being defamed in a cartoon purely for the prurient public
amusement,
DO NOT CLICK HERE
|
02/06/06 |
|
STRAP ON YOUR THINKING HELMETS:
Take a look at this
SPECIAL EDITION RESPONSE TO THE WEB LOGS STUDY...
Also, you might like to jump on the back of the line to try and hire this guy.
Put together a five day pack and start walking right now. Better walk real fast,
and eat real slow. BTW: The Bianchi's sentence has been
commuted. He successfully navigated the rigorous multilayered American Road
Cycling security check and is once again allowed access to the American
Road Cycling web site. The Faux Bianchi remains returned to the 5th
dimension from whence it came. BTBTW:
If anybody happens to see
Kevin Haley,
don't look at him. |
02/05/06 |
|
SECRET WEAPON:
She is proud that she has been doing her pushups faithfully in preparation for the Spring rides.
But still, please keep
THE BLACK WIDOW'S MOST RECENT "AFTER" PHOTO hidden
from Mary Ellen. We don't want to frighten her with the Black Widow's results to
date. |
02/04˝/06 |
|
BANNED:
The Faux Bianchi has been permanently banned from the American Road
Cycling web site due to aggressive weaving in and out browsing. That, and to protect him from
himself, just in case it is the real Bianchi, not merely a Wanna-Bianchi-be.
02/04ľ
/06: In a related story, UV1
has also been permanently banned from the American Road Cycling web site
for aiding and abetting the Bianch-alike by providing access to the
CHATTER BOX,
or maybe it was the actual Bianchi who merely required a therapeutic follow-up-banning in order to save him from himself.
SlingShot says that he is starting feel
like a Chiropractor, what with all the recent adjustments he was required to
make around here. |
02/04/06 |
|
FROM THE GROUND UP:
Due to recent submittals in the
CHATTER BOX,
American Road Cycling has been shocked to learn that people are actually
reading this nonsense. Along with that being fairly unexpected, it is totally
unacceptable. People should be on their bikes, not on their computers.
[For
context see: Faux Pas' comments on the
CHATTER BOX,
dated 2/3/2006 5:41:00 PM]
SlingShot's
comment: "If I thought people were going to read this shit, I never would have
written it!"
Therefore American Road Cycling will
remain shut down for the foreseeable future in order to allow restructuring. A
full redesign of the web site will be completed hoping to improve on our
previous success of discouraging people from coming here.
So far only one (1) firm decision has been
made. On the new site, there will be absolutely, positively no mention of
Kevin Haley.
We will use that policy as a loss leader to attract a larger audience who may be
assured there's nothing here to see. That way we can do a better job of
directing people to:
NORTH AMERICAN ELITE ROAD CYCLING. |
02/03˝/06 |
|
NOTHING AGAINST DR. ART BUT... |
02/03/06 |
|
FORENSIC FILES:
American Road Cycling forensics division has reported that Bianchi (if
that's who it really is) has toned back his/hers/its browsing intensity, and now
exhibits rational behavior on the site. We don't like that. On the other hand, this person will do what
they are told to do. That alone would seem to indicate a Bianchi-ness to their
character. When OCBC gets done with the poor sap, there will not be much left to
draft behind. Also, this person's
entrance onto the web site evidences a distinct possibility that he has
bookmarked American Road Cycling as one of his Favorites.
In addition, one has to get up PRETTY early in
the morning to get on American Road Cycling before Zirra, and that's just
what Big (if he is who he says he is) Bianchi has done. He already arrived at
4:00 am this morning. Sorry to: Zirra, Palletman, and Paul.
Paul won't notice though, because he's so
overweight, uh, overwrought opening his new place in Manhattan, he won't even read this page.
He'll just pop on for a second so SlingShot will punch his time card for
him.
Weirdest Search Result: Ever get frustrated by
a Google Search? Probably never more than the person who ended up on the Black
Widow's web site using this search for:
How did the United States acquire the Loisiana Purchase?
They probably should not have misspelled
Louisiana.
American Road Cycling did not bother to
go out for a ride yesterday, because it was 78° and Sunny again.
By popular demand
Kevin Haley
will not be mentioned today. |
02/02ľ/06 |
|
MANY THANKS:
Bianchi (if you are who you say you are), extra thanks for browsing the Endico
site. It is the first time we've gotten to watch browsing on that site using the
same
process perfected at American Road Cycling. You helped us identify a
problem with, and correct, the
Black Widow
photo page. Thank you for helping us fix
a problem, and please note that you would have been even more impressed had you
not been led astray and away from the:
VISUAL INTERFACE TO THE
Endico DATABASE
SlingShot's fault, sorry!
Of course,
Kevin Haley
is not mentioned there on purpose. |
02/02˝/06 |
|
Special Ground Hog Photo of the Day!
Kevin Haley
has already clicked on it. Somebody please tell him to kindly stay the fuck off
this site. He will not be mentioned again. |
02/02/06 |
|
YOU MISSED ONE:
Good thing SlingShot already learned everything he needs to know about
traffic patterns on the American Road Cycling web site. He went out for a
ride (78° and Sunny) while the board sparkled up like the 4th of July.
Seems somebody got the word that
the
ATTENDANCE RECORDS have been
cleared, and that people are only being added back in the order they show up the
first time for the month. Massive migration back onto the leader board already
in progress.
One oddity in yesterday's rush was Frank's Friend
Pretending to be Bianchi (UV12)
who hit the site so many times that it appeared somebody must really be catching
up on their reading. Then SlingShot noticed that the numerous repeating
hits had an odd pattern, so he asked
Nuclear Dan Buckley
if the flashing of the log entries didn't look like shutter lights transmitting Morse
code back and forth between subs in the deepest night. [No
Paul, not those kinds of subs, the other kind of subs.]
Turns out the pattern was indeed a
code that when broken read: "Mama Bianchi no lika the SlingShot."
BTW: Faux Bianchi, you
missed
ROAD RASH #23.
Oh right, as for cycling:
Yesterday morning we took the dog for a walk on the beach in Fort De Soto Park (The
Florida Alps), where we saw a very strong rider motor-pacing behind a
Vespa. Somebody in the dog park was talking to Mary when they heard the cyclist
scream, "Yeah, fuck you!" and turned to see him giving an outstretched arm and
finger to a truck pulling a boat behind him.
Black Widow said it was beautiful,
"Like ballet." The guy she was talking to said, "Wow. He's got to be going
40mph!" Of course, he didn't know anything about cycling, so had no clue how
fast the cyclist was going.
We walked out to the road and
cheered the guy as they came back around from North Beach. He was concentrating
and didn't even notice.
Later in the day, Mary, still
recovering from her Yoga accident, was walking the dog again (same spot) when
SlingShot came past on his Ottrott. On finishing his loop he asked, "Did I
look fast?" She said, "Sure did," so Shot said, "Yep, I was just over 23
mph. How'd it look compared the guy behind the Vespa this morning?"
"...guess he WAS doing 40."
IN CLOSING: Would someone please remind
Kevin Haley to
stop coming back to the American Road Cycling web site. We are done with
him, and will not mention his name again.
|
02/01˝/06 |
|
FEBRUARY EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH:
American Road Cycling's February Employee of the Month is
Kevin Hetzel (Zirra)
for being the first one to show up. Honorable mention goes to
Dan (Palletman) McNeilly)
for
coming in second.
|
02/01/06 |
|
CALL IN THE FBI:
A troubling bot showed up at American Road Cycling this morning with an
interesting entry in the field that
usually tells SlingShot such things as: this is a FireFox browser (as
in belonging to
Dan (Palletman) McNeilly),
or this is a Microsoft Browser (as in also belonging to
Dan (Palletman) McNeilly),
or this is a Google bot.
In that field was simply: head-scan.pl/1.0
SlingShot did a Google
search to see if people have been reporting it as a problem. Some Usage Stat
pages were returned which is typical. What was not typical was the number of
returns. There were only (and exactly) 119 returns.
Holy Shit Batman! That's 911
backwards.
SlingShot is not a
conspiratist...well, actually he is, but this is so obviously NOT a conspiracy
but most certainly THE conspiracy.
Clearly it is either Google
fucking with the Feds, or the Feds fucking with Google. Everybody duck under
this tangling of the giant dinosaurs, and somebody call the the FBI!
Don't mention
Kevin Haley
when you do.
|
01/31˝/06 |
|
FOR EARLY RISERS AND UV10:
SUMMARY OF THE MONTH LONG STUDY is
continuing to be updated—slightly. Basically the additions are about how American
Road Cycling's
dozen or so readers could just as easily be reported as 23,488 hits on the web site for the month of January.
This notification is relevant only to
Kevin Hetzel (Zirra),
Dan (Palletman) McNeilly,
and
UV10 who is probably from Washington
State where 3:19
A.M.
is just after midnight.
|
01/31/06 |
|
AND THE WINNER IS...
Although I strongly warned against making a contest out of who could show up the
most, it appears the games began and there we went. Review of the
ATTENDANCE RECORDS shows the Grand Winner is:
DANGEROUS DAN SULLIVAN
Dan wins for being the only person
to so effectively cloak his browsing that SlingShot would truly have to
say, "He never showed up hardly ever." Therefore, Dangerous wins hands
down no matter.
Either he showed up unbeknownst to
American Road Cycling (and body even cared enough to turn him in by
providing his IP#), or alternatively he only showed up for class twice this month—which
would be an even more worthy stance (not wasting
his time here) than would have been an aggressive sneaking in unseen.
So the rest of you are LOSERS,
and American Road Cycling means that in the best way possible.
Ok, Dan...the celebration is over. Now,
shut up and get back to pulling.
If anybody has an interest:
HERE'S
THE SUMMARY OF THE MONTH LONG STUDY
|
01/30/06 |
|
NEW UV NOTED:
American Road Cycling has identified another Unknown Viewer (UV11)
in the
ATTENDANCE RECORDS as a
probable human. Their IP# is based in Reston, VA, so they
are being considered as a possible F.B.I lurker, or similar, who have probably
already logged comment about American Road Cycling into a dossier thus,
"Never have so few done so little about nothing."
|
01/29/06 |
|
NOTE TO SELF:
Dear SlingShot, stop feeling guilty about not putting anything on
American Road Cycling today, even though you checked several times and saw
that Lynn, Paul,
Palletman, Frank, Kevin (Hetzel
not
Haley),
and Terry Bowden showed up looking for something new. Go have another snack. You
are a good human being, but not perfect, and that's ok.
Also, take it under skeptical
advisement what the Chiropractor told you—about your knee caps not supposed to
be sitting on the outside of your legs like Wild West gun holsters. You may keep
doing the exercises, but check with
Dr. Art when you get home. He'll know whether or not your knee caps aren't
really supposed to be sticking out like a truck's rear view mirrors. Also, have him
explain why Chuckie
had your knees poppin' like movie corn on Brady Mountain Road all summer.
Remind yourself again that today
hasn't been a total waste.
You did make this
(real input filtered out) to help
Paul keep track of all those
Form Submittals for Easton Wheels.
UV10
on the
ATTENDANCE RECORDS is from
Washington State? Wonder who it is?
Yo, Frank Guarnuccio,
you missed this. |
01/28˝/06 |
|
BIRD BRAIN:
A little birdie has told us Humberto and his crew have been hanging out at his
house grinding a Computrainer down to a pile of smoking pop-metal. Our little
birdie seems to have too much time to himself traveling back and forth from the
City.
Dangerous Dan is known to
be among the Humberto crew, plus he has finally shown up at ARC, but got caught
and was tracked the whole way. Probably the first time he's had someone on his
wheel from 600 miles away. Not a bad ride.
Dan was rambling in and amongst
Terry Bowden's own travels through the site. Just moments ago Dan hit the last
page at 18:17:27 pm. He probably had e-mail about it before he shut down his
browser.
Man, that SlingShot knows
everything.
|
01/28/06 |
|
YESTERDAY:
Yesterday was a red letter day, the first day since
ATTENDANCE RECORDS have been
kept that nobody (apparently human) showed up who could not be accounted for as
either a known member or a returning UV. Therefore, Unknown Viewer did not
receive a check mark for the first time ever.
Happily,
Kevin Haley
also
did not show up, which means we didn't have to endure him crowing over
the words of CaliperGirl in the
CHATTER BOX.
|
01/27ľ/06 |
|
ERRATA:
Earlier today, American Road Cycling once again ascended to the top spot
(from 2nd spot) for search returns at
MSN. A better #1
return would be the site we just edged out, which is
NORTH AMERICAN ELITE ROAD CYCLING.
This seems to be an actual site, with actual information, as apposed to
the little American Road Cycling dog and pony show of SlingShot's.
Until somebody contests it, we are
placing a permanent link to NORTH AMERICAN ELITE ROAD CYCLING at the top of
the home page,
in order to help out anybody who shows up looking for real information. Ok?
|
01/27˝/06 |
|
PICKING UP THE PACE:
Sorry, couldn't be helped.
THE JOHNSON STIFFENS UP AND RESPONDS
|
01/27˝/06 |
|
SLOWING THE PACE:
The pace of additions to the American Road
Cycling web site will be slowed down in the future, due to logs review
showing that
Kevin Haley apparently missed seeing CaliperGirl's comment about him
on the
CHATTER BOX, unless he is showing
up under an IP# different from the one on file.
Which reminds us, we still haven't
been able to track down Dangerous Dan's alternate IP#, or else he's been
unseemly absent.
Plus nobody has offered a useful
answer to that new young girl WDundee's question about women's boxing rounds,
also on the
CHATTER BOX.
American Road Cycling apologizes for any
inconveniences the new slow down may cause, but if we cannot fuck with people
with a greater degree of efficiency, action musts be taken now.
The above should in no way be confused with a
change in policy toward a tacit approval of any mentioning of
Kevin Haley .
While waiting for the latest news, American
Road Cycling has provided
CYCLING WORDS OF THE DAY below,
plus this note to Hamas:
If you must continue your insistence on
hitting soft targets, there are none softer than an electorate. Votes, not
bombs. Do you get it now?
You could bomb malls till the cows come
home, and still never shake up the world nearly so well.
- SlingShot
|
01/27/06 |
|
CYCLING WORDS OF THE DAY
(please read slowly)
Palms up supplicant begs the Master.
Master pronouncement palms down the
table.
Upon your hands be gazing and meditate a fact.
Accomplished each position rotates one direction only.
Relax the mind a crisper meditation.
Add surely brings together. One plus one
another derives but merely two.
Lose not this thought as the level ever
deepens.
Abstraction steals away. From artist's
hand the face lacks much, still facely object shines. Stolen yes, not to
detract, but lack lost most devine.
Be humbled.
Gaze fast upon the feet, yet squarely in
between. Repeat these chants and gestures triply, triply lean.
adduction brings supination :
abduction presses pronation
These truths are universal. Take one into your
center, cast out the other at a toss.
- SlingShot
Editor's Note: American Road Cycling
expresses regret the SlingShot inner process has spilt so flagrant
flowing. However, now that you've completed the exercise above
GO HERE.
|
01/26˝/06 |
|
A MOMENT OF
INATTENTION:
Somebody went and lost their focus.
American Road Cycling has not yet
received notice of Dangerous' IP# (though we do have a suspicion), but
some lamer forgot what they are about and sent SlingShot e-mail.
Therefore, John (Johnson) Mitchell is
now included in the
ATTENDANCE RECORDS and
retroactively credited for a prior arrival. See
CHATTER BOX for some Johnson
scat.
Editor's Note: The nom "Johnson"
comes from the blues guitarist, not from John's member ship.
|
01/26/06 |
|
FROM:
Dangerous Dan Sullivan
TO:
Nuclear Dan Buckley, Jim "The Assassin"
Amels (The Orange Crush Poacher Boys), Joyce Amels, Don Stark, Clay Boone,
Dr. John Handago, Bambi, etc.
URGENT (Video) MESSAGE
Urgent Editor's Note:
This link goes off-site.
American Road Cycling assumes you have broad-band, plus your spyware and virus protection is ON.
|
01/25˝/06 |
|
HIR UPDATE:
American Road Cycling Human Intelligence Resources has just confirmed that
Dangerous Dan Sullivan must be browsing the American Road Cycling
web site only while at work. That explains why his
ATTENDANCE RECORD has been
so piss poor. He's flying under the radar.
American Road Cycling HIR (Human Intelligence
Resources) is requesting that anybody who has received e-mail from
Dangerous during daytime working hours should please forward the ugly
headers to American Road Cycling for processing by our IP#
extraction device—SlingShot.
Neither the person forwarding this information, nor American Road Cycling,
nor its affiliates, acquaintances, or distant relatives will
be breaking any privacy, confidentiality, and/or fiduciary trusts in so doing.
We have been advised by our law weasels. Besides it ain't nothin' can't be done
by an 8 year old in Bangladesh for about 30˘ a week, if we choose to outsource
IT.
By ugly headers
we do not mean this. And
most certainly not this |
01/25/06 |
|
UV10
NEW HUMAN CONFIRMED: Plus special
graphic added to Kevin Haley's
ATTENDANCE RECORDS. |
01/24ľ/06 |
|
CHUCKIE UPDATE |
01/24˝/06 |
|
BRIEF REPRIEVE: SlingShot
decides not to shut everything down right away, due to his having finally
figured out how to better format the
CHATTER BOX.
As long as nobody mentions
Kevin Haley everything should be ok. |
01/24/06 |
|
SOME WEIRDER ASS SHIT: Ok, after you
see this, you
are all likely to believe that SlingShot can do anything, but truthfully,
this is no joke. He's not making this up. Take a look at how somebody ended up on the Black Widow's
web site
yesterday morning:
Weirder Ass Search Results
As of 4:33 am this morning the results have already changed, but the return
SlingShot saw (at around 3:33 am)
looked like this. It was probably the final search engine pay-off from
one of the linked terms used describing Dr. Art's Odyssey ride.
If this is how search engines work (and it is),
Shot is seriously considering
shutting down all his web sites as being far too much of a waste of time. |
01/23/06 |
|
SOME WEIRD ASS SHIT: Chalk one up to
the Unknown Viewer. This morning's review of the American Road Cycling
web log file revealed one of the strangest ways anybody has ever arrived at the
site. Somebody got here through an Altavista search for: american+cycling+ass.
Below is the full text of the referrer as reported
in the log file, so you can copy/paste it into your browser's URL field and see
what that person saw before they jumped to American Road Cycling.
Apparently it was the NSA looking for SlingShot's Swiss bank account, but
they got somebody else altogether, not to mention the wrong country.
American Road Cycling must respectfully ask
for
Kevin Haley to stop doing this sort of shit. |
Copy/Paste the string below into your browser's
URL field
http://se.altavista.com/web/results?itag=ody&q=american+cycling+ass&kgs=0&kls=0
BTW:
The Unknown Viewer described above came back to the American Road
Cycling web site again about three hours later, so SlingShot is
beside himself trying to figure out what their story is. By the timing of their
first arrival it must be somebody out of our time zone, because they got here in
the wee
Kevin Hetzel (Zirra)
hours, so:
Dear Altavista Searcher,
If you return again, let us know who you are by
submitting a brief note to
CHATTER BOX using the
CONTACT FORM.
We are pretty sure you already understand this site is not actually a cycling
association, but there are indeed cyclists here, and SlingShot would sure
like to hear if all this makes any sense whatsoever to somebody who has stumbled
upon it.
And excuse us for not being able to speak Danish.
Ok? - SlingShot
|
01/22/06 |
|
IDENTITIES REVEALED: SlingShot
informed the Saint Petersburg Bicycle Club of the videos taken yesterday,
and soon thereafter a large number of downloads of the videos were noted. This
morning another UV# appeared in the logs, looking at lots of pages.
It is assumed the video downloads went something like this, "What the hell is
this shit? Oh, look...is that me in the video? Oh goodie, I'm in front! Let's
see where everybody else is. Hmm, maybe I can learn something about that guy's
ride. Well, let's take a look at me again."
Apparently there's a
Grant Salter
in every crowd. Remember:
"I'm so beautiful! Used to do
Bantam Weight Chippendales, don' cha know?"
American Road Cycling has not yet tracked
down whether or not the the new UV'er is a known commodity or somebody from the
Saint Petersburg Bicycle Club or merely a web bot, but did run across the
fact that UV5 and UV6 are Anthony (Chuckie)
Defeo, and Twin George.
Both have been credited with attendance accordingly. |
01/21/06 |
|
TODAY'S HUMP
CLICK HERE FOR VIDEO
#1
CLICK HERE FOR VIDEO
#2
CLICK HERE FOR THE PLAY BY PLAY
|
01/20˝/06 |
|
FOR GOD SAKES:
For god sakes LYNN,
look at this! [Thank you, FINALLY! 09:04:42 pm]
Or admit to being one of the UV# readers and submit
something to the Chatter Box using the other IP# from which you did
LOOK AT THIS! |
01/20/06 |
|
UNBELIEVABLE:
SlingShot
finally got up early enough this morning to check the web log files and update
American Road Cycling
ATTENDANCE RECORDS before
Kevin Hetzel (Zirra) and
Stinkature Silos came online to take a look. Unbelievable.
CROSSWORD PUZZLE ANSWERS remain a
top link while American Road Cycling awaits the arrival of a certain
luminary who apparently has not yet been made aware of the page. [Well, thank
you to whomever called him in to take a look, but we're still leaving the
Crossword link here for laggards. Otherwise, our luminary arrived at: 1:34:12 pm
today. They landed on the home page, checked out the
SPECIAL COUNTDOWN TIMER and four
ROAD RASH COMICS (of which there
hasn't been a new one since
Dr. Art figured out how to use the
CHATTER BOX. All things
considered, there will now be absolutely no more talk of
Kevin Haley. And that's final.]
Thanks to all those who responded so well to the
Employee Reviews Follow-Up,
even if we had to publish that Lynn Meyer had hit the
DING! bell
before she actually did it. Well, sometimes one has to know just which button to
push in order to get the bell to
ring. |
01/19/06 |
|
CROSSWORD PUZZLE ANSWERS |
01/18/06 |
|
FOLLOW-UP TO AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING MID-MONTH
EMPLOYEE
REVIEWS
American Road Cycling recognizes that one
of the awards was omitted from yesterday's listing. It is granted to several
people, which list may expand accordingly:
Pavlovian Responders: The
American Road Cycling Pavlovian Responders Award goes to Lynn Meyer,
Frank Guarnuccio,
Kevin Hetzel (Zirra),
UV5,
Kevin Haley, and
Dan (Palletman) McNeilly for being the first to check:
EMPLOYEE REVIEW
AWARDS
DING! |
01/17/06 |
|
AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING MID-MONTH EMPLOYEE
REVIEWS
American Road Cycling has reviewed employee
performance; and, at mid-month, the following awards are in order:
Unmitigated Genius Award: The
American Road Cycling Unmitigated Genius Award goes to Lynn Meyer for
figuring out that placing a period (.) in the MyPersonalSlingShot field allowed
the previously malfunctioning
QUERY FORM
(now fixed)
to submit to the
CHATTER BOX as advertised.
Random Ass: The American Road
Cycling Random Ass Browsing Award goes to Frank Guarnuccio for
hitting every page on the web site about a dozen times in a totally haphazard
manner, first each morning, then around noon, then later in the evening.
Most Improved: The American Road
Cycling Most Improved Award goes to
Paul Latrine.
American Road Cycling calculates improvement as a percentage of
change from "where you were" to "where you are now." Of course, Paul did not
improve in the least, but since he started at very close to zero (0) worth, but nobody
bothered to take the time to actually shoot him, it is a considerable improvement over what
we had expected.
Most Wickedest Cover Up: The
American Road Cycling Most Wickedest Cover Up Award goes to
Kevin Hetzel (Zirra)
for trying to drive SlingShot batty by logging on using an IP# from Hawaii.
Longest Streak: The American Road
Cycling Longest Streak Award goes to
Dr.
(Artie) Art Donohue for being off his medication for a personal best long,
long time.
We extrapolated this situation through a careful review of the
Artie Facts.
Nine Lives Curiosity: The American
Road Cycling Nine Lives Curiosity Award goes to
Dan (Palletman) McNeilly
for exhibiting a perfect inability to avoid wandering into every nook and cranny
of the American Road Cycling web site. Palletman WAS in strong contention
for the Random Ass Award in terms of shear volume of browsing, but he
lost out due to a marginal logic that was obviously applied to his movements.
Most Thankful: The American Road
Cycling Most Thankful Award goes to SlingShot for being beside
himself happy over the kind assistance everybody provided in helping him figure out what a
"true human" does on the web site as apposed to the "bots" which constitute most of the traffic logged
as arriving each day.
ALL WINNERS CLICK
HERE FOR YOUR REWARD
|
01/17/06 |
|
THIS IS RICH: American
Road Cycling's SlingShot is SO proud of himself. This is rich indeed!
SlingShot pulled out his tool for
measuring, calculating, prognosticating, and procrastinating again and again,
until he finally go it right. Read carefully the return for American Road
Cycling (currently the 3rd paragraph down) after you search for
American Road Cycling at:
MSN.
Yes, it is true about Chuckie. |
01/16/06 |
|
AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING MEMBER UPDATE:
Near the beginning of this year, Anthony (Chuckie)
Defeo moved to Ithaca, NY in order to conduct stem cell research at Cornell
University. However, soon afterwards he diverted his attentions to an
Independent Study in metastatic squamous cell cancers. Generally, Ant'nee puts a
lot of work into such things and Aces the program, but this time he just hopes
to survive the course.
Click here for the e-mail that Tony sent SlingShot detailing the
study. |
01/14˝/06 |
|
AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING CROSSWORD*
* Find the secret word! (Click
here for answers.)
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A |
B |
C |
D |
E |
F |
G |
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Down
G:3 Not
a clincher. It's a ______________.
E:3 When the West Point Army Team
passes, you won't be beating them,
so you may as well
______________.
D:3
Trying to break away from the
Hump's front group,
is just plain
______________.
C:3
What SlingShot's ride is on Ridgebury. ______________.
B:1
THE SECRET WORD
Across
B:5 The
color of Jimmy Nails' stomach. ______________.
A:4 Satan's first name.
______________.
B:3
Everybody not defined by A:2 ______________.
A:2
The fast riders on the
Hump. ______________.
B:1
The toughest climbs are ________ categorie.
|
01/14/06 |
|
ARTIE FACTS
American Road Cycling's newest Section...the 8th one, we believe.
Feel free to take a look at the new
ARTIE FACTS section.
Paul Latrine
is the most recent target, probably a "while the cat's away" scenario, since
Paul is currently not in the compound while the bombing continues. Plus, the
Kevin Haley pink belly is slightly abated. |
01/13˝/06 |
|
Terry Bowden added to:
ATTENDANCE RECORDS
tracking |
01/13/06 |
|
BETTER THAN BETTER THAN ROAD RASH COMICS:
This morning SlingShot awoke to find his work at American Road Cycling
already complete, that is to say he didn't have to do a fucking thing. Dr.
(Artie) Art had posted another addition to the
CHATTER BOX (1/12/2006 9:22:00 pm) which included
all the best advice SlingShot himself could have offered...even though
"Artie Art" Artie has so flagrantly violated the American Road Cycling
prime directive.
Good thing SlingShot is in Florida, thus
wearing his Depends®.
Jump into your own pair and read
CHATTER BOX (1/12/2006 9:22:00 pm).
We are serious about this. READ the CHATTER BOX (1/12/2006
9:22:00 pm)! No, not later...right
now.
As an aside: On 01/10/06, American Road
Cycling ran a headline using simply the word "Whatever." The day after that,
the word showed up as "The Word" on the Colbert Report. Stephen, for God
sakes, start writing your own material and stop wasting your time lurking around
the American Road Cycling web site.
And Oprah, don't even think about it.
For the rest of you: The plan outlined above (just
under $200 to OCBC) has finally reached maturation. Even though American Road
Cycling is currently drafting in second place on this one of the major search
engines, go do a search for American Road Cycling at
MSN, then read the
return. Hope you've kept on your Depends®.
Now American Road Cycling is going out for
a ride. 78° and Sunny. |
01/12˝/06 |
|
RECONSIDERED:
Earlier today American Road Cycling promised to take the recent
Dr.
(Artie) Art's most recent and special addition to the
CHATTER BOX (1/11/2006 10:51:00 pm) and copy it to
a web page for retrieving the correct paragraph formatting. During review of the
situation, the decision was made to leave it stand and work on more pressing
matters.
Therefore, we reconsidered the current black-out
regarding all things
Kevin Haley. The final rendering of the panel was to allow the prohibition
to stand. Therefore, no mention of
Kevin Haley will ever again be found on these pages. In fact use of the term
Kevin Haley may itself constitute grounds for dismissal.
There is one exception allowed. When passing Kevin
on Ridgebury you may query, "Hi Kevin Haley. That's a nice fork. How do you like
it?" And good luck to you in doing so.
Otherwise the word 'Kevin' may not be used in
conjunction with the equally abominable word 'Haley'. Furthermore, it is
suggested neither the word 'Kevin' nor the word 'Haley' shall never even be used
separately.
So, no more mentioning of
Kevin Haley, Bastard or no.
Now American Road Cycling is going out for
a ride. 78° and Sunny. |
01/12/06 |
|
BETTER THAN ROAD RASH COMICS:
This morning was like Christmas morning for SlingShot. He had a little
run in with somebody's web form issue yesterday, and got so wasted trying to fix
it he didn't even check the American Road Cycling logs before going to
bed. When he woke up this morning there was this big Dr. "Artie" Art present
under the tree. Ok, it's not quite ROAD RASH, but take a look at:
CHATTER BOX, 1/11/2006 10:51:00 PM.
So, another
Unknown Viewer has been accounted for, and we've got a new Dr. "Artie"
Art IP#, which appears to be his home number.
Later today, we'll get the story out onto a page with the
paragraph's restored, but American Road Cycling didn't want the early
birds to miss it, so go check the
CHATTER BOX. |
01/11˝/06 |
|
MIDDAY REPORT:
Things are shaping up pretty good so far today.
Paul arrived first, as always (7:34 am), followed 5 minutes
later by
Palletman, then at 9:00 (ta da)
Kevin Haley steps in.
Kevin didn't look at the
ATTENDANCE RECORDS
so missed seeing his arrivals recorded there. He
did look at the
2006 Old News, so maybe he saw something that he liked there. Just because
he's showing up though, doesn't mean we have to start mentioning him again.
Also, Paul looked only at the home page. He must be busy, finally.
Palletman looked at the
CHATTER BOX plus the
ATTENDANCE RECORDS.
Finally, an Unknown Viewer arrived by way
of a person's name search on Google.
Anybody with information regarding why these
people have no lives should let American Road Cycling in on the secret. |
01/11/06 |
|
CUTTING CLASS:
It's too early (5:30 am) for anybody to have
ATTENDED AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING yet,
but review of last night's finals showed that Frank and Lynn finally showed up.
That gives American Road Cycling a near perfect attendance for the day.
Frank came on around 8ish and clicked on a number
pages at random in order to fuck with SlingShot, but he's forgiven due to
his submitting to the
CHATTER BOX.
It also appears that somebody has hacked into the
Chatter Box's My Personal SlingShot, because a reply appeared which is
clearly too refined to have been provided by Frank himself.
Kevin Haley never did show up and is probably down in the school
yard smoking, as drunk as Bode Miller. That's it. No more mentioning
of Kevin Haley. This time we mean it. |
01/10˝/06 |
|
WHATEVER (continued):
By Dinner time, 3 more Esteemed American Road Cycling Presidents
(Luminaries, what others might call Members) have checked into the web site.
Their arrival has been noted on the
ATTENDANCE RECORDS.
Dangerous Dan Sullivan happened to be one of them. This is
the first time he has shown up for class since records have been kept, so his
name was added to the tracking table.
Also, somebody (an Unknown Viewer) was
observed arriving by way of an MSN search for "The Bicycle Doctor,"
but they only landed on the
events page and never made it to Rich's
complimentary ad page. Changes were made to that page in order to help bring
the next searcher directly onto the info payload.
Kevin Haley, Frank Guarnuccio, and Lynn Meyer still have not shown up
today, but nobody really cares about Kevin. |
01/10/06 |
|
WHATEVER:
This morning somebody showed up at American Road Cycling via their Google
search using the words:
DR HANDAGO GOSHEN NY
That brought them directly to the
events page which mentions Shiftless. This person looked only at the
events page page and was added to the
ATTENDANCE RECORDS as the first Unknown Viewer
of the day.
Maybe it was John himself confirming how famous he
is on the Internet, or maybe it was a cyclist looking for bone repairs. Could
have been anybody. It is a strange Internet out there, and we have know way of
knowing who unless they submit a
Chatter
Box Input Form so's we can grab their IP#.
Otherwise, this early morning's American Road
Cycling traffic consisted only of
Paul working through his little problem with OCD by clicking on
the home page. He probably also washed his hands about two dozen times and
counted his steps to the bathroom for the one billionth time. |
01/09/06 |
|
SLINGSHOT ADDS THE (SOON TO BE INFAMOUS) AL
QAEDA ADDENDUMB TO:
the response to Zirra's Chatter Box entry. |
01/07˝/06 |
|
2:23:22 EST:
Godzirra reads American Road
Cycling's
response to his Chatter Box entry, not that anybody's paying attention to
his browsing habits. |
01/07/06 |
|
ZIRRA FUCKS WITH AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING
|||||
THEN AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING FUCKS WITH ZIRRA |
HEADLINE
NEWS |
01/06/06 |
LUMINARIES ATTENDANCE RECORDS |
HEADLINE
NEWS |
01/05/06 |
HUSH HUSH
Grant has been secretly sneaking onto the
Computrainer when Paul's not looking. Don't tell a soul. |
HEADLINE
NEWS |
01/04/06 |
LUMINARIES NOTED ARRIVED
American Road Cycling noted the following
luminaries arriving at the American Road Cycling web site yesterday:
1) Frank Guarnuccio
2)
Dan
"Palletman" McNeilly
3) "Twin" Lynn Meyer
4) either one or all of: Paul/Grant/kid at
Stinkature Silos
5)
Kevin Hetzel (Zirra)
Most of them looked at the
Special
Countdown Timer (which has now been updated), plus a few took a look at the
Chatter Box.
Several Unknown viewers were also noted.
Probably Mary Ellen, and
Nuclear Dan Buckley
among them.
Kevin Haley did not show up, and will not be
mentioned. |
HEADLINE
NEWS |
01/01/06 |
#1 NAME IN AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING
American Road Cycling
begins the new year as the
#1
name in American Road Cycling, this according to all the top search
engines.
Current results for non-paid returns as of 01/01/06
7:30 am EST are:
Search Engine |
Rank |
Number of Returns |
Google |
#1 |
3,200,000 |
Yahoo |
#1 |
3,950,000 |
MSN |
#1 |
201,017 |
Altavista |
#1 |
4,010,000 |
AskJeeves |
#1 |
636,300 |
So, American Road Cycling and
all its Presidents have officially kicked everybody else's ass.
In case you missed it, this should finally prove to you that the
Internet and everything on it is TOTAL NONSENSE. Otherwise...
Below are bike shops
who were mentioned by THE
#1 NAME IN AMERICAN
ROAD CYCLING in 2005, so now in
2006:
Bicycle Doctor
Dark Horse
Cycles
Joe Fix It's
Oakley Cycles
Stinkature Silos
Below are cycling
related businesses who were mentioned by
THE #1 NAME IN AMERICAN
ROAD CYCLING in 2005, so now in 2006:
Dr. John Handago, Orthopedic
Surgeon
Peak Performance Chiropractic
Straub's
Fitness
Below are
non-cycling businesses who were mentioned by
THE #1
NAME IN AMERICAN ROAD CYCLING in 2005, so now in
2006:
Boone Wood-de-Signs
Endico Watercolor Originals
K&A
Builders
McNeilly Wood Products
Van Natta Mechanical Corp.
Below are cycling
organizations who were mentioned by THE
#1 NAME IN AMERICAN ROAD
CYCLING in 2005, so now in 2006:
Skylands Cycling
Unnamed Local
Bike Club
Oh yeah, the results of the
Tour
d'American Road Cycling are finally in.
The Tour d'American Road
Cycling is a stage race held over the course of one year.
It begins near Tampa in Florida on
the first day of January, moves up the Eastern US seaboard to hold stages in
New York, with major primes in Harriman State Park, and throughout Orange,
Sullivan, Ulster, Dutchess, Putnam, and Rockland Counties (especially Central Valley),
and High Point State Park, NJ during the summer. The Tour engages in e-mail
conversations with people on the West Coast sometime during the
year while mentioning both North and South America including Canada.
Then it ends with a mad dash for the final bridge and parking lot
back in Florida on December 31.
Yesterday, on the last bridge of
the Tour d'American Road Cycling, SlingShot
took the 2005 title (after a full year of lying in wait and
biding his time) by inching out The Black Widow on the last
bridge of the last ride of the year, then touching the Ford F250
Finish Line Truck back in the parking lot—dead FIRST!
Afterwards the Black Widow
commented, "What race?" and looked
just like this.
2005's (non-Computrainer) mileage
for The Black Widow was 6,145 miles, and for SlingShot
it was 6,443 miles. That gives SlingShot an average of:
0.735502283105 mph for the year, which is pretty fast for him. The Black Widow's
average is therefore slightly slower which makes her look
just
like this.
Kevin Haley will not be mentioned
in 2006. |
HEADLINE
NEWS |
2005
Hold Over |
|
12/28/05 |
|
Hold your horses!
It ain't 2006 yet. |
Archives |
|
2005:
Old
's -
American Road Cycling Archives |
this page last updated:
02/01/2015 11:18:24 PM
|