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"If you can't say anything
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Currently showing 22 Artie Facts. |
| # | Time | President | Chatter | User'sLink | My Personal SlingShot | Shot'sLink |
| 1678 | 8/26/2007 10:18:00 PM | Arthur, King of the Britains | Slingshot, it seems Frank is on to us about not inviting him. Looks like we're going to have to change locations… again. Also, I've been enjoying your reply to his most recent chatter. At my current rate, I will have read the entire thing by Thursday. | EXTRA LINK... | I'm hoping to have the rough draft completed by then. | EXTRA LINK... |
| 1666 | 8/26/2007 9:51:00 AM | Artie Art Arrr-teee | Well, lookie lookie… the sky is clearing, the roads are drying. I've extracted myself from the corner, and I'm off to play mini golf. I predict I will only say, "This sucks" about fifty times. It could be more, however, depending on how many times I get stuck in the windmill. Pray that I don't win a free game, that ball in the clown's nose always freaks me out. | EXTRA LINK... | Doot doot doodu dudu doot doot doo doo… BTW, Art: Just because you have time to waste, it doesn't make ARC any less a waste of time. | EXTRA LINK... |
| 1659 | 8/25/2007 4:12:00 PM | Artie Art | Mary Beth… that didn't hurt did it? Of course all will be forgiven if you show up at the Big Vee at 8 am tomorrow. It'll be more fun than a round of mini golf… and I'm not just saying that. | EXTRA LINK... | Good. All right has returned to the world, and I may now go out to the fair for a hotdog and funnel cake. I hope nobody finds out about the ride tomorrow, because a lot of people will show up, and I will get my ass kicked… again. | EXTRA LINK... |
| 1654 | 8/24/2007 11:48:00 PM | Art Linkletter | This may not be of any interest to you Bob, but I'm going to mention it to you anyway. Mary Beth left Rich's place last night without saying goodbye to me. I just want you to know that I'm not taking this personally. The trappings of courtesy mean very little to me as you know, for this I reference the fact that I was eating my cake with a salad fork this evening. However, a simple goodbye is probably not too much to ask. I mean it's not the Gettysburg Address for god's sake. I would figure even you, who have reached across three people at the dinner table to get the salt, would at least have the decency to say goodbye. I mean, geez Bob, it's not like she had to climb Everest or sell "The Watchtower" door-to-door. It's just a simple phrase. She could have at least yelled out that I'm a son of a bitch...I understand she's done that for others. The important thing here Bob, is that I'm not troubled by it, and that's all that matters. | EXTRA LINK... | I am glad to see you are untroubled by Mary Beth's ineptitude. On the other hand, we at the PSL do not take such things lightly. You will see in the response to her post #1652 that she has already begun her ostracism. BTW: The band says we owe them for overtime. | EXTRA LINK... |
| 1330 | 7/7/2007 11:35:00 PM | Paul Latrine | Bob, I was randomly typing quotes into Google, and tried "Fuck Kevin Haley". Of the 210,000 results I got, in .12 seconds mind you, the top hit was , you guessed it, the American Road Cycling web site. The second hit was on the web site of his employer. The hit on the second site is more entertaining, because it shows Kevin's boss holding Kevin's head in the toilet with the aforementioned caption below the image. Very clever. | EXTRA LINK... | I guess we will have to re-evaluate our recent "weirdest google search" as we followed the weblogs Referer (which was in fact the stated google criteria), and found it does return 210,000 results, though much more quickly than stated. This person is obviously using dial-up. Guess it shows that you really can't make this shit up, only part of it. What was not stated on the photo of Kevin's organizational meeting with his boss, was Kevin spurting, "I think your money is down there. Just let me have another look." On the other hand, this may merely be a good stab at the identity of the "devil" shown on the most recent home page rant against religion. Good guess, but no banana. | EXTRA LINK... |
| 989 | 4/9/2007 6:10:00 PM | Pink Floyd Landis | No matter how many times I read it, I still get choked up. "Joe Straub is not an asshole…he's just fast." I'll bet if his mother read that, she'd be so proud. It's like one of those back-handed Frank Guarnuccio compliments, you know… like, "Geez, for a fat guy, you don't sweat very much." Or, "I saw your mother on the bus the other day… she's a heck of a good driver." I've been avoiding riding with you guys of late. I'm tired of being ridiculed about having such dated equipment that I'm "stuck in the '80's." Oh, that reminds me, does anyone know how to repair an 8-track player? Mine is busted. | EXTRA LINK... | EXTRA LINK... |
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| 819 | 3/3/2007 11:04:00 AM | Art (my nom this week is Ken Liver Sausage) | Bob, the op-ed piece on computers was informative. It was also endless. If you bring that story in for a shortening, I could have it ready for you by Thursday. | EXTRA LINK... | I'll bring it in right away, soon as it's finished. Glad to see you enjoyed the intro. | EXTRA LINK... |
| 813 | 2/28/2007 7:43:00 PM | Art (My nom however is Martin Van Buren) | A few things I'd like to say here: First, I am troubled to report that my health is still not nearly as poor as I'd hoped. By now I wanted to be close enough to death to be able to call off my talk at the OCBC meeting on Saturday. My plan 'B' is coming closer to fruition, that of course is setting fire to the restaurant on Saturday morning. Plan 'C' is not as exciting, but it has teeth, and that is to let Joe Straub speak first, and at the end of his presentation, simply walk up to the microphone and say "ditto." The photo on 2/27/07 was disturbing, it left my wife with this observation: "If all guys looked like that, I would be a lesbian for sure." When I shared with her the revelation that it was in fact a photo of me, she queried, "Who's that cute girl who just moved in down the street?" In closing, I've reviewed the latest Road Rash comic entries, the common thread in all three? THEY ARE NOT EVEN REMOTELY FUNNY! | EXTRA LINK... | ditto | EXTRA LINK... |
| 687 | 1/22/2007 9:56:00 PM | Art/Artie | Lynn, I'm looking at the drawing of Paul, and I see what you mean. It does look like Paul's eyes are closed...the line under his eye looks as if it could be a closed eye. It is not meant to look that way, I also did not mean for Ben Serotta to appear to be wearing sunglasses, they are actually two eye patches. I've also inadvertently submitted these comics to the American Road Cycling web site. I meant to send them to Field and Stream magazine. I apologize for any confusion I may have caused. I should add that I have been holding Amelia Earhart against her will for some time now. When you factor in all of this, and more, is there any doubt in anyone's mind that I am simply not fit to be the speaker at the winter OCBC meeting? | EXTRA LINK... | Oh, god, here we go again. Everybody, please read carefully the top of ---> | EXTRA LINK... |
| 674 | 1/18/2007 6:52:00 PM | Art (The artist formerly known as Prince) | Thanks for the update on Wendy O. Williams, I was unaware of the fact that she had decided to cancel all of her future appearances. It is unfortunate, the Plasmatics at an OCBC meeting would have been memorable. It would have been the perfect excuse to invite the pastor at my local parish to his first OCBC meeting. Oh well, my memory of Wendy O. Williams will remain her concert arrest in which she was charged with… and I am not making this up… "obscene gyrations with a sledge hammer." The judge later dropped the charges based on his formal request for her to do it again in his chambers. One other note of interest, the Plasmatics once opened a show by sending a Cadillac through a brick wall while in flames. It's hard to imagine Frank Sinatra opening a show in the fashion. | EXTRA LINK... | And all that time, I thought you guys were talking about Wendy Carlos Williams. Couldn't believe my luck at finally getting hooked up with such a hip crowd. Guess I should have known better. | EXTRA LINK... |
| 671 | 1/17/2007 1:44:00 PM | Artie Artie Art Artie | Tell me that this doesn't send you screaming into the night….. I've just found out that I'm the guest speaker at the winter OCBC party/ Amway meeting/ fundraiser/ intervention/ delousing. Don't these people have any recollection at all of the last time they asked me to do this? It was an absolute yawning festival. Hell, George Meyer, the most mild mannered guy on the surface of the earth, came up to me afterwards to say, "Geez Art… that absolutely sucked." Bob and Mary had the right idea… get the hell out of town as soon as they got a whiff of the fact that I was the emcee. Geez, what the hell am I going to talk about? "How to ignore your wife..", that would be a good one. Here's a goody, " Ten reasons to sell all your bike shit and ride the damned bus from now on… " I was also considering a power point demonstration on clubbing seals. Having exhausted all practical ideas… namely those I've already mentioned, including "How to bowl with a cinder block instead of a bowling ball just to see how long it takes before they kick your ass out of the bowling alley.." I've decided to do a talk on collecting stamps. That should have 'em lining up around the block. Irrespective of the topic, asking me to speak is just another glaring example of the hopeless condition of the OCBC. Digging one's shovel so deep into the bottom of the barrel that you're seeing the Beijing skyline… this is an accurate depiction of the state of affairs at the OCBC. I weep for the future of this organization. Are you listening Big Bianchi? For gods sake man! Pick up the phone… call Nipsey Russell… Keith Richards… Tom Waits… Wendy O. Williams…. These are marquis names. AND, they're probably all willing to talk at the winter meeting… just make sure to keep that open bar close at hand. I'll do the talk, but I cannot be held responsible for the damage to the restaurant… not this time. | EXTRA LINK... | Well, my dearest Dr. Artie Art, Aritisimus Dorsi, I believe I can help you out here. First off, it is in fact a great honor OCBC has bestowed upon you. Especially in light of the outcome of their last event. So I am sure you are taking this seriously and preparing accordingly. However, just in case you have forgotten, let me remind you. Choosing a topic and trying to stick to it is of course highly important, but do not let your efforts to that end divert you from an even more essential task. While you are preparing your notes, take extra pains to practice holding your breath. At this moment I know you feel the need for this to be way outside the realm of remote consideration, but while you are ensconced on your well deserved throne of public attention, you are certain to make use of whatever breath holding skill you may have acqired. For, likely amidst your most profound dissertation, one of your adoring OCBC fans is going to finally make good on a wild-ass jimmy-armed throw and hit the little red circle. You will be in the water, sir, no doubt. | EXTRA LINK... |
| 638 | 12/23/2006 8:36:00 PM | Artie Art Artie | I don't know where to start guys. I was certain that my atomic bid of one dollar on eBay would have claimed the Polar cadence monitor. I have been walking around the house screaming at the top of my lungs, "Who the F*** was I up against in this bidding war?! Donald Flipping Trump? Did Bill Freaking Gates need a cadence monitor?!" I'm more calm now, ever since I've decided to hurl a roll of 100 pennies through the window of the Endico Gallery… at least that will give me some closure….and quite possibly a torn rotator cuff. The nerve of eBay, to send me an e-mail consoling me with "similar items" currently available. Geez…if you miss out on the Mona Lisa in a bidding war, you don't want somebody telling you a painting of Elvis on black velvet is still available! I'm a very bitter man right now. Hey Bianchi…I don't care how much you say…I'm buying that damned carburator out of your china closet, and I'm going to have it installed in my mini-van! | EXTRA LINK... | EXTRA LINK... |
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| 336 | 1/30/2006 2:33:00 PM | Dr. "Artie" Art Donohue | Well Bob, I've been to the viewing room and I've seen it, the latest episode of "So you want to be a mechanic for Paul." Very clever stuff in this episode. Walt from Cyclesport in Park Ridge, New Jersey is pitted head to head with a janitor from the Port Authority Bus Terminal. The challenge? Build an entire Cours d'Acier bicycle with a Campy Athena grouppo. Paul, seated in a directors chair, fires the starter field artillery cannon, and the fun begins. (Once Walt regains conciousness). Some of the heckles from Paul are legendary, especially those directed at Walt. Whilst Walt attempts to figure out the headset press, Paul remarks, "It's trickier than a Trojan vending machine isn't it Walt?" The fabrication continues as Walt attempts to cut the fork steerer tube to the appropriate length and errs on the short side. Hysterically, Paul offers Walt a hacksaw to cut off the headtube extension and comments, "I know it's not a crowbar Walt, but you'll figure it out." In the end, a frustrated Walt reduces the frameset to small pieces, and is given partial credit for making a Serotta xylophone. The victor? Tyrone, our janitor friend from the Port Authority Bus Terminal. He reports delight at his accomplishment. When asked if bicycle mechanic know-how is a hobby of his, he replies, "Up until today the only thing I've ever done well was clean the urinals in the men's room." Upon hearing this, an enchanted Paul Levine offers him not only a job, but Grant's position. Said Paul, "Grant NEVER does a good job on the urinal here in the shop." | EXTRA LINK... | EXTRA LINK... |
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| 300 | 1/16/2006 1:40:00 PM | Art "Artie" Johnson | Bob, I've just gotten a "sneak preview" of episode one of the "So you want to be a mechanic for Paul." It has exceeded my expectations. Middletown's own Rich "Bicycle Doctor" Cruet puts his reputation on the line in front of a national TV audience building up a Serotta Ottrot. He is heckled unmercifully by Paul when he says that the job is impossible because the bike has no shifter braze-ons and "Where the f*** am I supposed to put the down tube shifters." When Paul informs him that STI is the order of the day… and that Eisenhower is no longer president, Rich hurls a pedal wrench and leaves. The panel which had included Grant, Nipsey Russell and the Long Island guy who's trying to get Paul "fired" is modified in the show. Grant is now teamed with Ben Serotta and Paula Abdul. The swiftest complete bike fabrication on the show is performed by a guy from a Chinese laundry in Monroe. Paul is overheard saying to Ben, "What did I tell you about these Chinese?" He is awarded the chance to come back next week, build up a Legend Ti, and do all of Paul's dress shirts. Art | EXTRA LINK... | EXTRA LINK... |
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| 298 | 1/13/2006 11:32:00 PM | Artie "Art" Donohue | Bob I'm very pleased and of course filled with anticipation about the new "reality" show slated for NBC this spring, have you read about it on MSN? It's called, "So you want to be a mechanic for Paul?" A great premise, and already they've got mobs lined up to show their talent. I understand the panel includes Grant (who inexplicably has an "afro" hairstyle on the show), there's also some Long Island bike shop owner (I can't remember his name, but he says the only reason he's doing the show is to try and get Paul "fired") and of course, Nipsey Russell (without an "afro"). From what I've read contestants will engage in challenges like vacuuming the house, finding the solitary weed on his lawn, and my favorite… be the first to actually prepare a meal in his kitchen. Potential "wrenches" for Paul will be put to task building up a complete bike from just a frameset whilst they are peppered with heckles from Paul himself, including: "You call that working? You look like a monkey trying to screw a football." There's also the popular, "Remind me why I hired you? I should outsource all this shit to China like Trek does." And the allegorical, "The bike came out OK… but I don't see a shine on my shoes yet!" So tune in this Spring Bob. It's sure to delight. | EXTRA LINK... | EXTRA LINK... |
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| 297 | 1/13/2006 11:10:00 PM | Art "Artie" Donohue | Bob, do you know a good dry cleaner by you? I got a stain on my tie earlier today and… well… you're busy with other stuff. I'll phone Paul's maid, she'll know somebody. Thanks anyway. | EXTRA LINK... | EXTRA LINK... |
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| 293 | 1/12/2006 9:22:00 PM | Art "Artie" Donohue | Frank has taken the time to read my chatter? I find this troubling. Who in their right mind would read any of the drivel that I put on this web site? C'mon Frank! Go outside and mow your lawn... do something productive for god's sake. On to other topics of greater significance, my wife and I had a meeting this week with our attorney, drafting a last will and testament. I thought it was time we get that squared away, and trust me I'm sleeping like a baby since we did it. At least one thing is finally on a legal document that gives me some closure, on my headstone I've directed that it will simply say "Kevin Haley." | EXTRA LINK... | EXTRA LINK... |
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| 290 | 1/11/2006 10:51:00 PM | Art "Artie" Donohue | Permit me to say first of all how delighted I am to see that you're keeping the home fires burning, even whilst being 1000 miles south of here. It is very refreshing to me that you're working the web site, and NOT, as others have intimated, spent your every waking moment frequenting hot dog umbrellas operated exclusively by women wearing G-string bikinis. I never believed this for a second, but you know how these rumors get started. (Next time you're there Bob, if you could get me one with mustard and sauerkraut, I'd be indebted). I hope your training is going better than mine. I rode on Sunday with Joe Straub and Glenn (or is it Glen?... or maybe its Glennn). Anyway, I rode like a musk ox on roller skates, and trust me, it's not as pretty a sight as you are envisioning. I've spent some of the colder days in the recent past answering ALL of the e-mails I get, including all of the spam. I don't discriminate, I prepare thoughtful replys to any mail, including ones that have a tag line that says stuff like, "grow your cock to the size of an elephant's..guaranteed." I replied to that particular one, first off, that I was very pleased that the person had taken the time to write me (very thoughtful), but that if things worked out as they claim, and why wouldn't they, I'd never fit into my Descente shorts. Heck, they're tight enough as it is. To put this experiment to the test I got a rough idea about the size of an elephant's.... ommm, you know.... by going to the Bronx zoo. I postulated it to be about the size of a loaf of Italian bread, the family size, you know? Then I purchased one and try as I might, I couldn't even come CLOSE to getting it into my shorts. How embarassing would that be at the hump? Am I right? So there you go. I've also taken an interest in throwing away none of my so-called "junk" mail. In a new years resolution, I have vowed to take advantage of every single offer I get in the mail. So far, in 2006 I am pleased to report I have now applied for some 49 different credit cards, and have already gotten about 17 of them in the mail. My total line of credit will impress you. It's up to 635,000 dollars. If you'd like a new bike or house or something, let me know. It would be a pleasure. My minimum payments are only 15 bucks a month. Other than that, well there's not much to report. I'm off to Mallorca in May for a five day trip. Cool? With the travel time, customs, hotel check-in, getting lost on the way to (and from) the hotel, I've estimated that my actual vacation time will be about 45 mintes, taking into account of course that I'm losing time in the air on the way over there. Should be some nice cycling, provide I get my bike out of the box before it's time to pack up and leave. I'm also told I need a passport. The standard wait time on these things is about 6-8 months, for the first time traveller (yours truly). You can put a rush on it if you go to like Portland and stand in line for 9 hours. Then they give you a "rush" passport that is so flippin' oversized that the passport photo looks like one of the chairman Mao portaits in Beijing on the side of a warehouse. And to think I've got to flash this thing all over god's creation when I'm touring around. Other than that, I'm looking forward to the trip. In closing Bob, do you mind if I call you Bob?... Please stay in touch, I've let some of my migrant friends stay in your place in your absentia , hope that's OK. Also, I've not fed your cat in the last few weeks, I'll stop in tomorrow to freshen up the water dish. Art | EXTRA LINK... | Hey Bob, It's good to see you back in men's clothing. | EXTRA LINK... |
| 229 | 10/23/2005 10:06:00 AM | Bob, I am very interested in the most recent news on your web site. The Coors Light Serotta patio lounger has awakened my hopes to the possibility that I can get a Serotta HUFFY recliner, and/or love seat for my living room. Can you please contact Paul, and ask him if they're out there? I would volunteer my own Seotta for this purpose, but as you know, I've already converted it into a wind chime. You should have heard it when the remnants of Katrina blew through here two weeks ago! Also, please ask him if Ottrot table lamps are available. Artie | EXTRA LINK... | EXTRA LINK... |
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| 227 | 10/20/2005 8:11:00 AM | Although it is true I said, "I wish it was still raining" ... this quote came later. Actually, as Joe turned the screw a little tighter on Pumpkin Swamp, up to say 30 miles per hour, I took a breath and in my best non-suffering voice stated, "I see the elms are starting to change their colors." Next, when Joe got up to 32.5 I said, to mask my lactate threshhold, "I wish there was a way to check my e-mails right now, I haven't heard from Kevin Haley recently." (it's actually been a couple of years). Then Joe got up to 35 mph, and in a last desperate attempt to mask my now cramping hamstrings I said, "Is our average speed up to 17 yet?" It was at the now documented speed of 38 that I went to ask Joe for a "light of my smoke" (with a perfunctory chuckle)that I dropped off the pace and vomited on the side of the road. Just wanted to clarify, Artie | EXTRA LINK... | EXTRA LINK... |
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| 214 | 9/15/2005 11:39:00 AM | Bob, You have once again illustrated that you put your heart and soul into your website. Dude, that format for the qusetionnaire was fantastic. Almost every answer you posted made me bust a gut, very funny stuff. You made me laugh more with your 15 responses than Nipsey Russell did in an entire career. Art | EXTRA LINK... | EXTRA LINK... |
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| 180 | 6/1/2005 9:44:00 PM | Dear Webmaster, I have had the occasion to study the photo of Dan's Timber Rattler closely. Although I strongly agree that the photo in no way contains a timber rattler, nor a species of the reptile classification, I am of the strong opinion that the item pictured is of a ham sandwich. Note the coloration of the deli meat, the pinkish uniform hue, not to mention the uniform curvature of the slices. This is clearly not a roast beef sandwich, although the only true test would be to take a bite out of it. Can you please pass the mustard? Art | EXTRA LINK... | EXTRA LINK... |
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