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Members Mail Answered

Date:      08/26/2005
Kevin "Godzilla" Hetzel
Subject: Death Match Results Contested

Original Submittal:


I believe that the rules for tie breaker death matches are as follows:

If tie breaker Death Match ride ends up as a draw, a final death match is to be ordered:

Death Match rules:

5 minute transition at sissy boy world HQ: fuel and hyrdrate,

Followed by copious trash talk and a final sprint up heart attack hill. If the heart attack challenge is denied the result is an immediate forfeiture and the win goes to the challenger—in this case ME.

W in the Godzilla column

Are there points for never pulling for an entire afternoon ride?

I propose a motion on the floor to rename the widow:


Looks like the score is: Godzilla 2 widow 1




Of course we all remember Godzilla from the Godzilla on Knucklehead Hill article.

Yes, there are points awarded for never pulling for an entire afternoon ride. I have personally stored away more points in that manner than I have mileage points on my American Express Card which Ottrott purchases have pushed to very high numbers indeed.

The Black Widow, on the other hand, must relinquish claim to all non-pulling points which she would have garnered on Godzilla vs. The Black Widow Death Match Day, because she inadvertently pulled up the longest hill of the day—all the way to the top of Route 6, highest point of the ride. It is assumed Mr. Zirra was too far behind reviewing 30 or 40 data points on his trip computer in an attempt to decide if he might die or not, so he didn't notice. Plus The Wid pulled all the way up Cat Fight hill, but since nobody ever remembers the first hill, no points can be awarded.

Otherwise, American Road Cycling must agree with Mr. Lizard Breath—<<<<, and the full forfeiture is in effect. Remedies are now being rippled back through the system to give Kevin his due, and Barnacle Jane has already been applied to the Black Widow's nom list.

It is assumed that by 2 to 1, Kevin, Godzilla (the leader of Team Hetzel) is referring to his taking 106 via subterfuge, and after that his taking of the day through obstinance. While Mary's 1 win (aside from Cat Fight, Route 6, the climb to Tiorati circle, the turning onto 293, then just before West Point where Mr. Cold Blooded Fire Breath dropped his chain, all the little power climbs Paul has credited to The Bitch, plus Angola  previously, you know, aside from all those), it is assumed the credit of 1 is being given to Mary for her clear and certain domination of the trash talk after the activity in which she always shines.

Ultimately, there is no controversy whatsoever over the fact that the challenge for "one more Heart Attack Hill" went unaddressed. Therefore, Godzilla must now be recognized as the clear "King of the Mountain" in the American Road Cycling 2005 Microcosm Games.

And hence forward, I must live with the consequences of it being me who actually came up with the idea for the Sudden Death Tie Breaker on Heart Attack Hill, spontaneously and for my own literary purposes.

I'd rather be climbing Kain.


When reached for comment The Black Widow wrote back only:

I am sorry Kevin is unhappy with the results of the Death Match. I know he tried his very best, and that is what is most important.



Nuclear Dan  chirps in:

Hi Bob:

Another ballard

There once was a woman named Mary you see,
Who thought she could outride both Jimmy and me,
The talk and the chatter went on day by day,
Her fantasies didn’t quite work out that way.

The excuses spewed forth like the songs of a choir,
Bad cleats, broken pedals, another flat tire,
Poor Mary has bad luck, and so she would say,
I’ll kick those guy’s Asses on some other day.

The next day and next day and the day after that,
We’d pedal and listen to endless chitchat,
How she kicked this guy’s ass, how she puked, how she spat,
How her rides weren’t rides—they were mortal combat.

So day after day we would wait for the time,
When Mary’d be waiting at the top of a climb.
But from way in the back we would hear Mary say,
“Don’t wait for me, I’m going easy today.”

Jimmy and I laugh so hard we crack up,
Words are not threats if you can’t back them up,
She can give it some time, but don’t wait too much longer,
As the fall season comes we will be that much stronger.

Down on the ground the gauntlet’s been thrown,
It’s time to give rest to that flapping jawbone,
We’ll see who is left at the back all alone,
And who will be seated on top of the throne.


Barnacle Jane with her family
Photo submitted by Kevin "Godzilla" Hetzel

Editor's Note: Whew! Sure am glad everybody's forgotten about me. In case you missed the beginning, click here.

BTW: Paul Latrine likes to have his name mentioned.



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