The Spin Bitch Chronicles : Dear Spin Bitch

Here is the only existing installment of Sharon Giannino's ill fated Dear Spin Bitch column. It came on the heels of SlingShot's article showcasing her talents titled Sharon of Nine which was the article leading to the censoring of his Bicycling Heaven article. The censoring was the consequence of an idiotic letter of complaint over his use of the term SPIN BITCH. Most readers were dumbfounded that such an inanely innocuous term could cause such controversy, but it did.

In any case, the basic idea for the Dear Spin Bitch column was for readers to submit questions to The Spin Bitch who would begin each response by trash talking the questioner, then end by giving good, solid training and cycling advice. Sharon (SPIN BITCH) taught spin classes at Straub's Fitness in Chester and Monroe, NY. She also taught many more cyclists, in terms of anaerobic pain on club rides, the wretched consequences of trying to place their wheel in front of her own.

The first question was to come from SlingShot.

Dear Spin Bitch : )

My back pain has subsided somewhat, so The Black Widow and I were going to do some spin-up intervals under the palm trees in a park near St. Petersburg, FL. Except we forgot the timing you used in class. We did remember something about 15, 30, 45, 60, 90 with recoveries of some length in between.
Since we couldn't remember exactly what to do, we went out for milkshakes instead. If you could outline the intervals for us, we will have something to talk about this week at Krsipy Kreme.

SlingShot

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Dear SlingShot :)

Word has it you have GAINED 10lbs....damn, you must at all costs make major dietary changes. Milkshakes and Krispy Kreme have to go. I am reluctant to offer my assistance when you take advantage of my efforts by rewarding yourself with self indulgences. You must rid yourself of the drag associated with carrying excess poundage. Why should I take the time to work up specific intervals for you to acquire strength, force, speed and endurance when you go and throw away the payback and thus reward yourself with lack of self control involving simple carb'd, unsurpassable, supremely delicious, melt in your mouth, roll around the tongue, every ounce a pleasurable sweetness...Krispy Kreme "DO NOTS."
I IMPLORE YOU to not waste my time and yours. Your biggest limiter is your weight. Maybe you could stop shoving food into your face and find another pastime. Perhaps you could take up bacci ball. Surely there are some senior citizens' asses you can kick on the courts in FL. Besides, if you are aiming to kick MY ass, PLEASE lose the weight for my sake in order to save my self esteem and honor.
No one likes to be kicked in the ass by obesity...do it for me. Save my dignity--at least I can say you earned it. Shake it, lose it, GET RID OF IT. Take the first step and surrender yourself completely to the ZONE. In my estimation you would need 19 blocks and since someone like MARY had the foresight to make the smart investment of purchasing two cases of bars, I suggest you have nothing but those bars for sustenance. Eat to survive only. Find comfort in something else besides freekin, frigin, fugett, (sorry) F'in FOOD.
You will be allowed 9.5 bars (that's plenty) a day and THAT's IT. If you would like real food keep it simple. 3 oz lean protein, lots of leafy greens and only mono-unsaturated fat per meal. I would suggest half and half, no not the cream...half bars half "real" food. Your blood sugar will be balanced and you will not produce excess insulin which stores fat and keeps you in a craving cycle. You will soon be a former shadow of yourself.
YOU CAN DO IT. It works.

Now that I've made my self abundantly clear, I will share the intervals.

Pyramid: 15, 30, 45, 60, 90 with equal periods of recovery. THEN, 90, 60,
45, 30, 15 with equal periods of recovery.

Spin ups: start spinning easy gearing until you begin bouncing in the seat. Then take it down, do 6-8 times, recover two minutes in between.
Option 2: spin up to PEAK 30 seconds and hold 30 seconds total of 1 minute.
recover 2-3 minutes to recovery HR.

We have recently been doing force intervals in class:

Force: heavy gearing. Pound hard for 20 revolutions. Recover 3-5 minutes.
Repeat 6-8 times.

Muscle Endurance 1: 6 minutes steady in TEMPO zone. Recovery 2-3 minutes.
Repeat 4-6 times.

Muscle Endurance 2: 8 minutes steady in TEMPO zone. Recovery 2-3 minutes.
Repeat 4-6 times.

I would also suggest that you find a steady 3 mile climb to simulate Ridgebury. One of the BEST workouts, and one that you and Mary will find a lot of fun (I think), is Motor pacing. Take turns. It is a great fun trying to keep pace (and in your case draft) with the car. Plus if you need to be taken to the hospital transportation is readily available. I believe the average up Ridgebury is something in the range of 14-16mph. Try it, you'll like it. GREAT training.

Good Luck.
SPIN BITCH

Oh and about that transitional lumbar. What would YOU do if you had to support 40lbs that were not meant to be there. Thank yourself that it is only transitional and has not compressed and burst a sac yet. And yes, there is NO one like Dr. Art.

By the way, your secret about Mary's plans (you wrote about earlier) is safe with me. I am relieved that the target has moved off my own back and is now on Paul's....

Take care.

SPIN BITCH, a.k.a., Sharon of Nine, a.k.a., a.k.a, Sharon

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Note the not so subtle humor of placing SlingShot on a full candy bar diet, complete with supporting data and calculations. Also note the even less subtle fact that Sharon's time was in fact valuable and, unbeknownst to all of us, truly in short supply.

Although a little editing and tightening up would still have been needed, one would have thought this article deserved at the very least a response from even the Taliban, but it didn't get so much as a, "No thank you."

This first Dear Spin Bitch column was submitted to the newsletter editor near the time of the Bicycling Heaven censoring, but Sharon's e-mail was summarily ignored. No response whatsoever was returned, and of course her column was never published, except that another contributor to the newsletter immediately began a watered down version of the idea without so much as a thank you to Sharon for providing the impetus.

Sharon's nature held a marvelous combination of competitive drive in opposition to her greater capacity for empathy, plus an overriding personal sensitivity. She would often apologize immediately upon trash talking you during a ride, and seemed embarrassed to have been so bold. Even throughout the above tirade, Sharon continued to allow the assumption that SlingShot could actually beat her, despite his growing weight.

After Sharon overcame her tendency toward shyness in order to submit the article above, only to be completely ignored, she did not enjoy one of her happiest moments. The people who treated her that way should be ashamed, but they are not.

Here is what Sharon had to say about the Sharon of Nine (Spin Bitch) article in one of her last e-mails:

Hello Bob,
You are too much. I am quite honored. And your writing is unbelievable.
Roberta has since began using the nom Sharon of Nine. "High Sharon of
Nine", "Bye, Sharon of Nine" in spin class. I was pleased and greatly
RELIEVED upon finally reading your article and am quite honored at being the
subject woven into such gifted writing...."I am not worthy to receive it
only say the word and I shall be "heeled",.... Spin Bitch. (A little spin
on a common Catholic rant..) I refuse to relinquish Spin Bitch (as in
Bastard) to anyone, they're gonna have to really earn it...

It is unlikely anyone will ever earn the nom, Sharon. It is yours forever.

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