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How I Beat Humberto this page last updated: 02/01/2015 10:39:08 PM I was talking to some people about my successes (one in particular), and somebody said, "You should write a story and call it, "How I Beat Humberto, by The Metal Man," so here it is. I am the Metal Man, you may have seen me on your computer monitor, because I work as the pacer icon for Computrainers. I can pretty much go as fast as anybody might wish, and I am extremely efficient. My bosses have told me I am not allowed to tell anybody how I decide how hard to go, or I'll get fired, so I'm not going to say much about the process. I'm not even allowed to mention my body weight. In any case, awhile back I had an occasion to race Humberto Cavalheiro. He is a fierce competitor, but I used all the guile and tactic I have learned over the years (just one actually), and I kicked his ass by one second in a 21.4 mile race. As with every other top competitor, a one second win is plenty good enough for me, although I much prefer one hundredth of a second. After the race, Humberto turned his back on me, and I swiped his training log. Here's what he had written in it:
So there you have it. Humberto's results which he never wanted you to see. Ordinarily I wouldn't comment. Like I mentioned I am the Metal Man, and I'm not allowed to talk about the details of how I do what I do. Unfortunately, that motherfucker SlingShot is figuring it out all on his own (and get this) from real world data and the new generation ride meters, so I may as well spill the beans on how I beat Humberto. SlingShot says any idiot who can read should be able to figure it out on their own anyway. Notice that Humberto's average speed is higher than my own, yet I beat him by 1 second. Notice his peak speed is higher than mine, yet I beat him by 1 second. Notice his average watts are lower than mine, but his average speed was higher. (Well, ok. The motherfucker was drafting me. He's not a total idiot.) Notice his peak watts were 534 while mine were only 500. That's peak wattage is where I basted him. I suckered the asshole into overreaching. I made him blow, kiddies, I made him blow! Here's what that jerkhead SlingShot would say about it, because he thinks he knows stuff, but don't you believe it. You just keep riding the way you always have.
See, that's probably how SlingShot would have said it. Given the opportunity (something I never give) he would probably have mentioned you should take a look at the narrow range of watts differential for me above, and how wide Humberto's was. Even though Humberto's average watts were lower than mine (what with the drafting), his watts differential was much higher. Thank you for that one little second, Humberto, I really
enjoyed it. On the other hand, I didn't mean to help you reach your best
performance ever, and I am sorry for that. Next time, I'll try to fuck you
harder. Editor's Note: After we received the above article from The Metal Man, we checked with Humberto to see if it would be ok to publish his Computrainer results, and he very graciously allowed us to do it. For a newbie, or an idiot, or a Cranky (which is both), it might not be obvious how gracious it was for Humberto to allow this, so put it in context: it is just as if you said to the world, "Look over here. I have dropped my drawers, and you can see all my stuff." I myself would never ever do that, because my stuff is so large and attractive it would cause a traffic jam. There is an old story in a local club about two strong competitors riding together when one noticed the other was getting a slight edge by a subtle tactical maneuver. On noticing the tactic the first rider immediately twisted his HR monitor out of view, so his rival couldn't gain the advantage of seeing it (he'd been looking) and knowing how many pulses he was pulling. However, Humberto is retired from racing, so he doesn't care whether you see his stuff or not, so long as you keep your hands off it. It's just like the outline requirements of the Widder's Hump. We don't care if you are in front of our program, behind our program, or oblivious to our program. We just have a goal and are working towards it. Still, it is very nice of Humberto to let us look at his stuff.
this page last updated:
02/01/2015 10:39:08 PM |
A Def Unc T Publication |