American Road Cycling: Tales from the Hump

Ridgebury Prime Winner Articles
Note: Prime is pronounced "preem"

WINNERS DIRECTORY

Tales from the Hump: 03/26/05

Here is the story about the 2nd ever winner of the American Road Cycling Ridgebury Prime jersey. As with all the Ridgebury competitions, these results stand firm unless successfully overturned by one of the participants or their legal surrogate or estate filing a complaint with American Road Cycling. The statute of limitations on contesting results is 47.5 years from the date of the competition.

Hump and Roll

Hi Bob:

Let me get you up to speed on The Hump. (I only wish
I could get myself up to speed on The Hump.)

The temperature was in the mid 30's at starting time.
A group of approximately 18 riders showed up for
the AA ride. Iron Mike Norton was was among them. Fast
Jimmy was back from California after spending a few
weeks working with the Quark cycling team. Several
racers from the Skylands team showed up. Some other
riders in attendance were Doug, Dangerous Dan, Joe
Straub, Kevin, Donavin, (did I spell that right) [Editor's
note: No!], Mike and Walt, (both excellent Mountain Bikers),
and a few others.

I went out with two other riders a few minutes before
the main group. I figured I'd jump on the back as they
passed somewhere along the way. We didn't get a half
mile before Dangerous Dan went flying past. I guess he
had the same idea. At the speed he was going, I would
calculate, he finished the ride by the time the main
group reached Ridgebury.

The peloton caught us on Pulaski Highway and I jumped on
board. The pace wasn't bad until we made the left. The
intensity increased over the rollers. That's where the
break occurred. What went on up front, from that
point forward, is beyond me. (Screw those guys. Give
the jersey to Doug who pulled our six sorry asses for
the next twenty miles. I swear, that guy must run on
Eveready's.)

Quotes from the ride.

John from Skylands, "There's been some geological activity over the winter. These hills got bigger"

Me, "There's been some chronological activity over the winter. We all got older"

db

So there you have it. The second winner of the 2005 Ridgebury Prime is Doug Allen. He wins for pulling our faithful reporter and his dwindling group of friends in the manner described, plus the brownie points he has accumulated over the years by pulling our esteemed Founder, President, and TEO in the same manner.

In case you do not know The Hump, the left hand turn Dan mentions (after which the break occurred) is only about 4 miles into the 36 mile ride. It is just after the first hill of any consequence. The rollers mentioned afterwards are of little consequence. Dan's whining about the whole affair is of no consequence.

As for Nuclear Dan's calculations regarding Dangerous Dan's probable finish of the ride before anybody got to Ridgebury, well, it is a well known fact that Dangerous wouldn't be likely to finish the ride before anybody got anywhere except in the event he turned back onto Pumpkin Swamp right after passing and dropping our reporter.

Anybody who has specific knowledge of the first wheel over the finish at the top of Ridgebury 03/26/05, may contest the "Doug wins the jersey for pulling our sorry reporter's ass" results by lodging a complaint with American Road Cycling using the QUICK QUERY FORM. As per well published regulations the complaint must be logged within the next 47.5 years.

Be aware that any successful contestation will result only in a second jersey being awarded, because our established policy is that once we fuck something up, it stays fucked up.

It is starting to appear as though one of these weeks we will have to send somebody in a car to the top of Ridgebury in order to confirm who actually gets there first. Unfortunately, if Iron Mike Norton shows up on that day, American Road Cycling won't get there for the finish anyway—unless somebody has a Ferrari to loan us. Then we'll just let our reporter Nuclear Dan drive it. He's been pretty much worthless trying to get there on his bike.

this page last updated: 02/01/2015 10:38:49 PM